DP becoming very bossy and controlling. Red Flags??

[Curlycurlysue]

I can't quite work out if this is a new thing or something that's always been there that I've just realised but he's becoming so bossy and controlling I'm wondering if this is just the start?

We've been together two years. Just got engaged.

Examples of his behaviour are having a go at me a few days ago because I decided to enjoy a couple of beers in the lovely sunshine in the garden. This was on Thursday evening - baring in mind this was also my first evening of relaxation that week as I'd been working nights so I'd been looking forward to relaxing in the garden and not having to worry about getting ready for work. So he gave me a lecture on how I shouldn't be drinking on a thursday night - forgetting perhaps that the previous week he'd enjoyed a couple of beers in the garden whilst I was at work - on a wednesday night.

Another example was that I bought one of those big bags of walkers sensation crisps. I opened them that night and told him to help himself. He didn't want any so I started eating them. Well half way through the packet he said "right I'm putting these away now." I said "I might want a few more in a bit, I've not eaten much today." and so he gave me a lecture on how I can't just eat a big bag of crisps to myself and that I was being "silly" etc. I told him I'll eat whatever I want. He went in a huff. I'm not fat or unhealthy, I have a healthy BMI, I'm active, I work - why the hell should I be told what I can and can't eat and drink???

Latest example - last night after cutting the grass with the lawnmower I said to him "we need a grass strimmer, here's one I've seen - shall I buy it tomorrow?" - Well he rolled his eyes, laughed at me and said "for fucks sake." ??? I said "what??" and he said "I'LL buy the grass strimmer, you just concentrate on replacing your hairdryer." Patronising twat! I said I'm not that concerned about buying a new hairdryer at the moment (mine broke but I don't tend to use it anyway) and he replied "yes you are."

Telling me I am bothered about something when I say I'm not??!

So anyway I said "why can't I just buy this grass strimmer? it's only £20" (he spends more than that on pointless LED lights etc) and he went off on one saying I was being stupid and no I couldn't buy it and no I don't get a say in it and my priorities should be with the hairdryer, not a garden strimmer.

Like I say it's getting worse all the time - he's telling me I need to cut my toe nails and I can't give my son bus fares to go out with etc etc. He keeps taking money from my purse and my pockets too saying its so he doesn't have to faff going to cash machine but then I'm left with no money (I have my bank card so not being left with no spending power) but I like to have a bit of money on me - what if I can't find a cash machine?

Am I over-reacting and should I just tell him off when he does it or is this a real issue?

You are not over reacting.

Ypu need to split.

This is a real issue and it will get worse not better. He is a twat. Does that help?

He won't let you give your son money?!?!?!!!

and he said "I'LL buy the grass strimmer, you just concentrate on replacing your hairdryer."

Kill him.

I may or may not give a more sensible response later on, but that is my knee-jerk reaction.

Sounds awful :(
So sorry op

Just got engaged so now he thinks you are trapped and cannot escape from his shit.

Either lay in on the line it stops NOW or the enefagment and relationship are over.

He is a complete twat, I'd leave the fucker in a heartbeat. Patronising gobshite!

I'm with annie on this one. Kill him.

Wow, yes kill him...

He's stealing money from you? Telling you off like a child, expecting you to ask his permission for things?

Who does he think he is. Tell him to GET TO FUCK.

I'd end the engagement immediately and put him on notice.

He's not your owner, or father.

Actually I'd make sure finances had some separation quietly first, because things probably will go pear shape.

Definitely get rid!

Get rid before you end up married to this mysoginist twat. He has allowed the mask to slip now that you are engaged and therefore more "tied" to him. It will only get worse if you marry him.

Please tell family/friends IRL and get an exit plan together. I don't mean to sound alarmist but thiis board is full of threads that show these types don't relinquish control easily.

Good luck OP.

Run like the wind.

He sounds awful! Has he always been like this? I couldn't live with someone like that he's treating you like a child or an idiot!

It's most definitely a real issue, yes.

Do you feel like you want to sit him down and talk him through how much of a dick he's being? Do you think there is any point?

How else is he with your son?

He sounds very unpleasant. Tell him it's a dealbreaker, and mean it.

Wow this just got worse and worse as I read down your post.

He sounds like a totally sexist pig.

I would get rid, it sounds like his views are pretty entrenched. Is his mother some kind of surrendered wife?

Do yourself a favour and cut him loose.

Oh yes - tell people and ensure you are financially protected first, just in case.

Buy the strimmer and cut his head off with it. Twattery that will escalate, kick him to the kerb tout bloody suite.

From what you've written - sounds like lots of red flags waving at you

How does he react if you try to tell him something along similar lines? I'm guessing that you probably don't and so don't know - might be worth trying to tell him that he 'can't do something' or 'shouldn't do something' and see how he reacts. What does he say if you challenge him - say if you were to tell him you thought that you were equal partners, he's certainly not your boss?

However, if it was me, and he took my money, said how I couldn't give money to my son (I'm guessing he's not your son's dad), told me off for doing things that he did, and was completely patronising, I'd take it as a sign that now he has got you signed up and engaged, he sees you as 'his' to control, that he sees himself as the one in charge and that you are there to make his life easier. Suspect it won't be long until he is taking your bank card too and handing it over when he thinks you need it - just to get cash out for him to save him the hassle of going to the bank for example...

I'd volunteer to get some money out for him from the bank using his cash card - the reason you have taken money out is because you want it - it's a faff for you to get cash too. Plus how convenient - he gets to spend your money and save his own. What would he do if you asked him for it back so you don't have to spend double (ie give him money and then spend it again on whatever you needed the cash for?) - if he says that you are being petty and turning around into your problem then that's another warning that he sees 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine'.

What would happen if you bought the strimmer? If it's only £20 could be a worthwhile investment to see how he reacts and get an interesting measure of how life could be if you carry on down this road with him.

Sorry, lots of questions in there. But I really do think that if your gut is giving you warning signs that there is something wrong in the way you are being treated - and that they are also massive red flags to strangers who are reading about them with no context or knowledge of the pair of you, then unfortunately it is definitely worth spending some time stepping back and observing the way that you (and your son) are treated and decide if that's the way you want to be treated.

For me - the things that you have said, would be enough for me to call time on the engagement fairly quickly - and probably the relationship too - because even if you tell him, he promises to change and does - he has managed to hide this side of himself from you for a good while, next time he might wait until you're actually married until it comes out again, at which point it would be much more difficult to escape from.

It's horrible to have to un-engage - but so much better than having to experience life with someone who really only cares about themselves and sees them as so much better as you and treats you with so much contempt.

Holy shit! My chin dropped to the floor at the hairdryer comment. What a nasty piece of work! Run like the wind, OP!!

he's telling me I need to cut my toe nails

That's another one, perhaps minor next to swiping your cash or telling you you can't give money to your son to go out with (!!!), but somehow very telling. It gets me personally a bit riled because I had one of these ("don't be silly" was one of his favourite ripostes, notably to perfectly sensible questions to which he either did not know or did not like the answer). He used to tell me to look both ways before I crossed the road, and on one memorable occasion said he had just watched a programme which described the right way to wipe one's bottom and was I aware it should be wiped front to back? I replied that I had somehow managed to keep my own nether regions decently clean for the past 45 years, thank him all the same.

Glad you mentioned crisps btw, I've just remembered there's a bag in the cupboard. As I had the good sense to get divorced, I can eat them all if I jolly well want to. Although I probably won't.

wait, did my chin drop, or was it my jaw?