DP becoming very bossy and controlling. Red Flags??

[Curlycurlysue]

I can't quite work out if this is a new thing or something that's always been there that I've just realised but he's becoming so bossy and controlling I'm wondering if this is just the start?

We've been together two years. Just got engaged.

Examples of his behaviour are having a go at me a few days ago because I decided to enjoy a couple of beers in the lovely sunshine in the garden. This was on Thursday evening - baring in mind this was also my first evening of relaxation that week as I'd been working nights so I'd been looking forward to relaxing in the garden and not having to worry about getting ready for work. So he gave me a lecture on how I shouldn't be drinking on a thursday night - forgetting perhaps that the previous week he'd enjoyed a couple of beers in the garden whilst I was at work - on a wednesday night.

Another example was that I bought one of those big bags of walkers sensation crisps. I opened them that night and told him to help himself. He didn't want any so I started eating them. Well half way through the packet he said "right I'm putting these away now." I said "I might want a few more in a bit, I've not eaten much today." and so he gave me a lecture on how I can't just eat a big bag of crisps to myself and that I was being "silly" etc. I told him I'll eat whatever I want. He went in a huff. I'm not fat or unhealthy, I have a healthy BMI, I'm active, I work - why the hell should I be told what I can and can't eat and drink???

Latest example - last night after cutting the grass with the lawnmower I said to him "we need a grass strimmer, here's one I've seen - shall I buy it tomorrow?" - Well he rolled his eyes, laughed at me and said "for fucks sake." ??? I said "what??" and he said "I'LL buy the grass strimmer, you just concentrate on replacing your hairdryer." Patronising twat! I said I'm not that concerned about buying a new hairdryer at the moment (mine broke but I don't tend to use it anyway) and he replied "yes you are."

Telling me I am bothered about something when I say I'm not??!

So anyway I said "why can't I just buy this grass strimmer? it's only £20" (he spends more than that on pointless LED lights etc) and he went off on one saying I was being stupid and no I couldn't buy it and no I don't get a say in it and my priorities should be with the hairdryer, not a garden strimmer.

Like I say it's getting worse all the time - he's telling me I need to cut my toe nails and I can't give my son bus fares to go out with etc etc. He keeps taking money from my purse and my pockets too saying its so he doesn't have to faff going to cash machine but then I'm left with no money (I have my bank card so not being left with no spending power) but I like to have a bit of money on me - what if I can't find a cash machine?

Am I over-reacting and should I just tell him off when he does it or is this a real issue?

hamptoncourt , sorry if I swiped your killing line, it just had to be said immediately.

He sounds utterly vile. Life would be a whole heap more pleasant without a jebend like that in it!

He seems very controlling and patronising in the examples you give. I'm worried his controlling behaviour will escalate.

Did it start when you got engaged? Could anything else have triggered it? (Has he recently lost his job, etc?) Did you challenge him about the beers and how he had been drinking on a week day, and if so, how did he react? You actually sound quite strong in your responses to him - that's why he calls you 'silly' and 'stupid', because it's the only way he can think of right now to shut you down.

I think it's great that you're posting here and recognising his actions as controlling. You know your relationship better than we do, and you seem very sensible and aware - do you think it will help to sit down and discuss it with him? Or are you feeling more like you want to end the relationship?

Do not marry this man. Bad enough that he is loke he is now. But it WILL get worse. He sounds vile

Do you like gardening? Do you have a patio? Because if my DH ever spoke to me like that - he would be under it.

He sounds awful, was he like this before you got engaged?
How is he with your son?

I'd leave tbh.

Everything about this man sounds foul and if you marry him you'll be attaching yourself to a sexist, arrogant, sarcastic, patronising twat.

And to top it all off, you effectively PAY to be insulted and patronised because he takes, no, steals money from your wallet!!!

Huge red flags.

I expect his behaviour is a new thing that has started now he's got you
trapped betrothed.

Do yourself a favour and get rid. It will only get worse.

I don't think it's a coincidence that this stuff started after you got engaged. It's that notion of 'ownership'. He now feels rather more entitled to take your money, dismiss your ideas, dictate your behaviour etc. When that kind of logic is in place, marriage would be hell on wheels.

Whatever you ultimately decide to do, please take this very seriously.

He's ridiculous. Get rid ASAP.

By the way, a twenty quid strimmer wouldn't be much cop.

I've never heard about a relationship that started badly and ended up great. Only the opposite. Before you entwine your lives so closely please picture what life would be like if you were treated like a child every day. Financial control, emotional control, criticisms and likely control over your social and family life too. You sound smart and strong now, but even the strongest woman can end up manipulated into losing their independence bit by bit. I consider myself to be no pushover but even I had a damaging relationship when I was younger, with a man who would tell stories about me to our mutual friends and then use the phrase 'It's not me, it's you, and everyone else thinks so too. You start to doubt yourself when you naively believe that you're the only one to see things your way.

Nip this in the bud. Consider ending the engagement, or at least make sure there's plenty of months before the wedding for you to continue analysing the situation. It is no way to live your life, and neither should your son have to.

Run, run, run. There are so many lovely men in the world, you really don't need to settle for a controlling, disrespectful and demeaning one like this. You sound lovely, OP, but the fact you are questioning if this is ok or a red flag shows he has already started to erode your self esteem. Kissing frogs is one thing, taking up with toads is a big no - no.

Have you posted about him before? Lots of times? With lots of different names?

Ehric, I was thinking the same?

Annie No problem - and it does seem a sensible and appropriate remedy to the OPs issues in this case.....

Seriously, he tells you you cannot give bus fare to your son? How old is DS by the way and how does he fare in all this?

What a knobber!

Well done for uncovering the 'real' him before the wedding. Cancel anything you've got booked and move on and away from the twat.

No, no, these harridans telling you to leave this man are all wrong.

Try being nicer, more compliant, tell all his friends how much you love him.

Then; marry him, insure him, kill him (strimmer electrocution, choked on crisps?).

Run!

Have I read about this guy before?

Something strikes me as familiar.

Either way, no good will come of staying with him. He's gotten worse since the engagement because he feels like he 'has' you.

If you get married, it will get worse.

Run. Run. Run.

Walk away from him now.

That is all.

LovesPeace Really? I mean really??? With a name like that.

Ignoring the irony in her MN name - what she said.

Lots of red flags as others have said. My DH can get a hint like this at times, telling me how to dress for the weather, how to do something I'm tons better at than he is - to the most minute detail . I get stabby but use extreme sarcasm at volume until he gets it. But he's not as bad as you describe and I couldn't take anymore that I get.

I think you know there is a problem, and that it hasn't just started.

He steals from you, mocks you, stops you parenting the way you want and prevents you buying things you need and can afford.

It sounds pretty clear cut.