What does everyone make to this uturn?

[crazylady321]

Hi, just wanting to update a situation really and wonder if anyone else finds this odd?

I have posted a couple times in regards to my partners ex not allowing their son to come to my house. It started that she didnt even like him coming through the day let alone to sleep over. It was seeming that she had thought of every excuse to be awkward although a few of you lovely ladies did point out that they too maybe a bit weery about certain things.

So right up until last weekend her and oh were still in debate over him staying, and was going to his grandparents to sleep on OH seeing him there. Now OHs parents are away this weekend and we were unsure about wether or not we would be seeing the boy as OH is working saturday aswell. He contacted the ex on weds and asked if they could arrange something as his parents had arranged a last minute break. First she started complaining it was too last minute and she had plans and said she would ring him back.

Thursday shes called him at work and has agreed he can stay on Saturday night. He then had a phone call a couple of hours ago and it was the exs OH and has asked him if he can sleep Friday night aswell, it was then apparent the ex had not agreed to this and was shouting at her OH down the phone.

We have no idea what is going on but OH has set off upto theirs to get his son whether he comes back with him or not is another matter, im not sure how she will feel about me looking after him on Saturday on my own.

Feel so sad for both my OH and the boy im really fed up I cant imagine how they must be feeling.

Also if inlaws wernt going away she would of still demanded he sleep at theirs so its funny that because they arent available shes agreed for Saturday night!!

I'm a little lost. Is it on or off at the moment? I suspect what's going on is that she's between a rock and a hard place - probably has plans of her own that she's loathe to cancel? - and vacillating through hasty yes/no/yes/no as a result. I think your OH needs to take the opportunity to cut through all the pissing around, however. No more staying at granny's from now on. Ridiculous.

I can see the ex's point of view. Father has contact for the weekend, but he works some Saturdays (so half of the contact time)? Does he do this regularly and the boy stays with the grandparents so they can look after him while he's at work?

What I don't understand is why the father doesn't take a sick day on Saturday if it's a one off, or why he has his child on a day where he's not actually available to spend time with him.

He is on his way back with son just at his parents house getting some bits together for him.

I shall see if i can post a link to my original post might make more sence!! I didnt really want to have to write the whole sorry affair out again as its a long story.

OH is contracted to work 2 weekends per month but often doesnt have to work both days due to over time built up through the week cant really be taking random sickys we need every penny!!

They have an agreement from when OH lived at his parents that he had him Friday and saturday and days he is working his mum would look after him, but since he has lived with me shes not wanted him to be at my place hense the still staying at grandparents, which has made access quite difficult especially as now OH has moved out his dad is putting pressure on his mum to stop looking after him so much.

It would be fine if OH went to stay at his parents for weekend or whatever and he has slept there a few times but we want him to get used to my house and my children as we are expecting and want him to feel part of the family

Was he not expecting to have DS at all this weekend? Why does he have access when he is at work?

If I were the ex I would be pissed off too.

Can you clarify what is going on OP so we can get our Judgypants verdicts right

He has ds every weekend with help of his mum, the ex has always known about work that is not the issue. He would barely see him at all if he had to wait until a weekend off. He is doing his best to see his son he even sees him midweek after school and takes him out for tea etc to make up for when hes working long hours.

Im not sure what else you want to know ive posted the basics in this post. Like I said dont want to have to type the ehole thing out again will find the link

I think I see.

So XW is OK with DP having his son when he is at work so long as it is his granny picking up the slack.

Do you live with DP? If you do then I don't think the ex can do anything about the son coming to yours.

Were you the OW?

I would say your OH should be telling his ex that the grandparents don't wish to continue with the current situation and so from now on the son will be staying at yours.

It sounds like her new partner will be on board with it and maybe a nudge will sway it?

ORIGINAL POST COPIED AND PASTED!!

Wed 25-Jun-14 10:06:06

Hey Ladies, ive just joined. Got a couple of issues I could do with a bit of advice over first of which is my partners ex.

We have been together a year and I am nearly 3 months pregnant, I already have children from previous relationship and he has a 7 year old son with mentioned ex.

We moved in together 2 weeks ago on a bit of a trial basis to make sure things are working before baby comes, everything is going well apart from the ex is kicking up a fuss about their son staying with us. OH has his son either Friday or Saturday night sometimes both depending on work, and also takes him out on a weds after school. OH was previously staying with his parents so son would sleep there.

Since finding out he has moved in with me she is adamant that she doesnt want him sleeping over in a house he doesnt know (even though he has been a number of times, and gets on really well with my children) So so far we have respected her wishes and hes been at his grandparents and OH has seen him there and has brought him to my house to play with kids through the day.

He is working this wednesday so he had him Tuesday instead this week, he would usually take him out for tea or cinema maybe visit his sister with him, last 2 weeks hes brought him here, the son has seemed really happy playing with my kids and last week he asked me to make bolognaise for when he comes so I did, and he kept complimenting it.

Now this is where it gets really petty on her part. Last night she txt my chap saying he had broke the arrangement by not taking him out and bringing to my house, and then made the comment that he better not be sick after eating bolognaise and apparently hes stained his tshirt. Sorry I just dont get it? I can only imagine hes gone home talking about how nice it was. I then logged on fb this morning to find a message which said " im sorry nothing against you but OH needs to understand he has to follow my rules, you are a parent so should understand where im coming from" Well of course I do, all my 4 children spend time with their dad his new partner and her children, I have no issue with it I trust my exs judgement and I accept people move on.

I am totally baffled by the exs problems, this is a lady who cheated on my OH with his friend and then moved him in as soon as they split up and has since married and had 2 children with him. My Oh has had to accept all this so why can she not see things from his point of view.

Sorry this is a long post think Ive wrote everything, happy to read any advice. Thanks

SECOND UPDATED POST FROM EARLIER THIS WEEK!!

Sun 20-Jul-14 23:16:44

Hi again, Oh wow a month as passed since I wrote this took me a while to find I just wanted to ask more advice really and bit of an update on the situation and really didnt fancy writing it all out again, Bit reluctant after it kind of got rail roaded before.

Well we still havent had the little boy over to stay she has turned round and said if we get him a bed of his own then she will be happy to, not one of my kids beds when they are at their dads or not a blow up bed or anything like that. We of course will be happy to get him a bed of his own its just having the space just seems like one more petty excuse. I feel really sorry for ds the more ive been spending time with him lately the more I can see how frustrated he is, hes been saying how much he hates his step dad because he favours his own kids more than him and he was saying his step grandma comes with the others gifts and she will just give him a tube of smarties...

My OHs mum has suggested he takes things back to the solicitor shes also noticed change in his behaviour and attitude, I am aware its probilly since his dads moved in with me aswell and we are trying to include him everything but its so hard when shes been so difficult. I mean this saturday he was going to have him as usual but he had been invited to a party OH offered to take him and bring him home but she wouldnt have it and wanted him collecting at 5pm even though party had finished at 3pm so missed out on doing something together. He then took him to his parents and left at 9pm for the night, his mum brought him round at dinner time to see us after OH had finished work and we had sunday dinner together he didnt want to go home and wanted to wait to see my kids come home from their dads but she wanted him back for 3pm.

Just so frustrating seeing how upset OH is getting and more importantly the little boy. Few more months we will have a new baby and we need to sort these adjustments sooner rather than later, so angry about it. Sorry for the long rant AGAIN

Sorry for the long copy and paste above just felt easier than repeating everything. Im going to have to log off now but will reply to any replies when I can.

No I wasnt the other woman, they had been apart around 4 years before we got together, her husband was the other man!!

Hence why this is all so confusing for us all, I have already told OH another trip to solicitors maybe the best way forward. Will see how this weekend pans out hopefully a step in the right direction

OK

Where you/OH went wrong is in accommodating her batshit in the first place.

You have to rectify that now and OH has to stand up to her and tell her that DS will be staying at his home now for access.

She would not stand a chance in court and it sounds as though her new husband doesn't like DS and will be glad to be rid of him for the weekend anyway.

OH needs to step up here OP but you, sorry, need to take a back seat or you might accidentally rile her up even more and reduce your chances of getting what you want.

You sound like a nice step parent by the way .....

So bascially what happened is that she is going out, doesnt want to cancel and that is over riding her hatred of you being involved with her DS?

I would see how it goes, once he has stayed this weekend it isnt such a big thing for him to stay again. Also, if your DPs mum will say to her "I am sorry but I am not having him over anymore" then she will probably be more likely to let him stay again. She wants the weekend babysitter but she doesnt want him to stay with you, so remove the grandparent option and she had no choice!

Thank you, I realise OH does need a kick up the arse sometime, hes just so scared about pissing her off all the time and she knows it.

As I didnt know OH when they split up I kind of get the feeling there is something I dont know, although I trust him completely I just dont get the hatred on both parts I understand his bitterness completely but anyone can see hes a fab dad she has no reason to be concerned

Will be back later

I haven't read your original post, but I disagree with hamptoncourt that the ex is batshit or that she wouldn't stand a chance in court.

I think it's your partner who wouldn't stand a chance. He is contracted to work 2 out of 4 weekends a month*. A court would not allow him to have access to his child if he is not physically able to look after that child.

This has nothing to do with with sleeping over, and everything to do with who is looking after the child during 10-12 hours a day or two, when your husband is contracted to work.

*That he currently doesn't is a temporary arrangement with his current manager and the company has no obligation to continue that arrangement.

A court would not allow him to have access to his child if he is not physically able to look after that child.

What about shared parenting and 50/50 care? Or do none of those parents use childcare?

If he went to court for 50/50 care then he would stand a good chance of getting it.

I think I said last time that OH needs to stand up to her more. He's currently more frightened of upsetting her than he is of disrupting or upsetting you and this seems to be a good opportunity to make some progress all round

Pintofwine my sister and her XH had 50/50 shared care and their DD was in nursery when XH had her. You say " A court would not allow him to have access to his child if he is not physically able to look after that child." but what about all the women who have residency and their children are in childcare whilst they work????!!!! I don't think you have thought this through.

When I said the ex was being batshit I meant that there is no way she can reasonably dictate that the OPs partner cannot have his DS overnight at his home, just because he has moved from his parents house to live with her. This really isn't fair on either the father or the little boy who does seem to be being used as a weapon.

So if the child is in childcare 5 days while the mother works during week, then he's in childcare 6th and 7th day on the weekends while the father works. And you think the courts would see this to be in the child's best interest how?

This isn't 50/50.

If the father works weekends, he must have other days off. Why not have the child those days?

If the father works weekends, he must have other days off. Why not have the child those days?

Because the child is 7 iirc, so will be at school most of the time. The OP doesnt mention what happens in the hols but hopefully he would see him more, on top of his weekends.

I suspect that the "weekend access only" was done when they split because thats what you do, it doesnt sound like it a vicious court battle but something agreed between them. The mother doesnt have a problem with him working so I dont see why you do.

But the mother does have a problem with him working, otherwise he OP wouldn't have posted. That's why the mother agreed to the child being at the grandparents' rather than agree to the child being at father's residence but being left to spend (potentially) all weekend with ex's new partner.

I don't get the point that child is school age. So father does school run, spends time with him after school during his weekday day off versus working all day on weekend only to see him in evening?

At the end of day, it's meant to be what's ebay for the boy. Not what's most convenient for the dad and his new partner.

Best not ebay.

Shame he didn't step up and sort out access to his son before having a new baby on the way.

I know jobs aren't easy to come by necessarily - but what has he done about changing his job?

I can see what might be her point of view. It's all very well accepting that your ex will move on and a stepmother might come into your child's life. But I would not be happy for MY child to stay with you without her father, for 2 reasons:

1. It's access for the father - I miss her enough thank you without letting a non related adult have her
2. At least at first, I'd be dubious about her staying with someone he'd only known 9 months

In context, I've been with my own boyfriend 9 months, he's fab, in super keen. I love and trust him, he's great with my daughter - she thinks he's fab. But I wouldn't have him look after her overnight instead of her own father.

Your partner needs to propose something fair and workable, and politely insist. To me, fair and workable doesn't mean the child doesn't stay at yours... but does mean he doesn't alone without his father, for some time.

But the mother does have a problem with him working, otherwise he OP wouldn't have posted. That's why the mother agreed to the child being at the grandparents' rather than agree to the child being at father's residence but being left to spend (potentially) all weekend with ex's new partner.

No she doesnt have a problem with him working. She was happy when he was working and the grandparents provided the childcare, it is the fact that the OP will be providing the childcare that is the issue. If it was about him working then she wouldnt have had her son at her ex's parents every weekend.

She doesnt give a shit about the amount of time her son spends with his father as long as she gets her weekends off!

Oh and the father was living at his parents so there is no difference in the amount of time he will spend with his son. The difference is that the OP will be the childcare and not the grandparents, thats this issue for the ex, not his working hours.

Thank you bogeyface you hit the nail on the head thanks for actually understanding what im getting at.

Dont want to sound rude but there is a lot of jumping to conclusions and people adding bits to this. Maybe because I have explained alot already on the other threads in replys maybe it would be more clearer reading that thread.

I am not going to justify my partners working hours on an internet forum, at the end of the day hes making a living to be able to afford the csa payments plus all the extra handouts she gets on top and to be able to afford to take him cinema etc etc, perhaps it would be better if he went on the dole? So judgemental.

Me looking after the boy today (for the first time) is not the issue at all hes had full weekends off and shes still not let him here! Ive also not been with him 9 months so not sure where that came from, ok so its still not a long time (15 months) but known him longer. Im not going to appologise for us falling in love, just because we are parents doesnt mean we have to live our lives alone!

Anyway had a fab night last night we all watched a film and he fell asleep on sofa, woke up so happy made him a bacon butty and hes gone out to play on trampoline. Have even persuaded my ex to drop the kids off for a bit so he can play with them. I really hope this is a step in the right direction

I agree think its a good thing grandparents are unavailable this weekend, shows shes not that botherd really about where he is

Unfortunately OH works 6 days on an average working week so cant really have him week days