Why isn't he getting it? Am I talking a foreign language?

[weedinthepool]

I have told H I'm leaving. I'm just waiting on a house. As predicted his behaviour has been appalling since his mum got her terminal diagnosis and as predicted he's used this as an excuse to emotionally, financially and sexually abuse me. Its escalated to the point that I can't sit in the same room as him so I'm off.

Just had a text exchange with him to say its obviously v.diff between us and if he wants me to go now I will (I'll have to move in with my mum & dad & the 3dcs which isn't ideal) and he replied with 'I don't recall asking you to leave. All your choice'. So I replied with:

You've left me no choice though! I can't live with someone whose main aim seems to be to get as angry as they can with me & make life as awkward as they can. It makes no sense. Husbands are meant to be supportive and loving not angry & persistently aggressive. I've tried to change my reactions & not be bothered by it, change myself to what I thought you wanted me to be but it hasn't been enough. You are still angry. You still hate my family. You still think I talk too much. You still think I'm clueless about everything & you know whats best. Nothing I do will change that.

And he hasn't responded. He won't talk to me when he gets in. He'll just ignore that fundamental summary of our relationship breakdown. Its making me wobble & think I'm doing the wrong thing. That I'm crazy or something? This is NOT normal is it? Tell me to keep on keeping on with my exit plan please!!!

Hope you managed to get some sleep OP. How are you feeling today?

It sounds to me like you're waiting and hoping he'll just admit how wrong he's been. Which he won't. Until you've actually left. Then you will no doubt recieve no end of false promises. You are being emotionally, finacially and sexually abused. He has no regard for you whatsoever, so his opinion should not be of any importance to you. I would go to your parents and make a plan for your new life from there.

I'm glad that the BBC 3 programme has made so many women realise that what they're living with is not acceptable and women deserve better.

Hello, thanks everyone.

I did a major wobble this morning and apologised and said I was in the wrong. I know, I know. I feel broken and tired & confused and I just want all this bad feeling to go away so DS can enjoy his birthday and the dc's get to enjoy summer. However, he wouldn't accept my apology. He said I'll just throw it back in his face and that it's meaningless. So I can't even fix it by backing down. He is so angry with me. Somehow I need to be oblivious to his anger & not seek his approval but I'm finding it so so hard.

So to answer your questions - we both own the house, he has access to our savings, I don't. All my salary goes into the joint account to pay mortgage, bills etc. He has his wage paid into a separate account that I can't access and tops up the joint account as he sees fit. He earns 2 thirds more than me, my wage covers the mortgage, some bills but I need his third of a contribution for food etc . There is no way I could stay in this house & pay the mortgage on my own.

My family know how controlling he is (they figured this out for themselves) their answer is to stick up for myself more. Only my two best friends know about the injuries from physical abuse.

So there we go. This is the mess I have got myself and the dc's in to. This man told me that the sexual abuse I survived as a child was my fault and I ask people (him) to hurt me. I suppose that has had such a powerful affect on me because it validated how I felt at the time as a child.

Sticking up for yourself is not going to change things, sadly. People who say you should do that may mean well, but they have no idea what it is like to be in a controlling relationship.
Can you talk to your mum, or Women's Aid now?
You don't have to resign yourself to the situation, just because you wobbled a bit.

Are your family local enough, and spare-roomed enough, for you to flee there with the DCs while you get legal advice and plan a permanent split? Or were they in some way complicit with the abuse and therefor not a 'safe place'? If you're married, all the financial stuff will be sorted out legally - he will have to part with more of his money to support his family - but there's a lot of hard work to be done in the meantime.You seem to have good insight into how your earlier experiences are shaping your responses, and that's the first step towards changing them.

We are married. I have a fractious relationship with my parents. They are v.supportive practically with the dc's and I could go to their house but emotionally they are pretty rubbish. I tried to talk to my mum a bit yesterday & she just cut the conversation dead. She us from the'sweep it under the carpet & forget about it' school of thought. She has told me in the past I am overreacting to pretty serious stuff (miscarriage, suicide attempts etc).

Unfortunately I have a fair amount of insight into how my childhood has shaped my choices but even though I get it, I get how wrong it all is I am useless at managing to change it. I suppose its a case of better the devil you know.

You're not useless at all. You know that the way you're being treated isn't right, and you also know that it's not your fault. You will get out as soon as you're mentally ready. You can use your parents as practical help and get emotional support elsewhere.

And just to reiterate - any abuse you suffered as a child and as an adult is the fault of the abuser, not you. You didn't ask for it, you didn't want it and you weren't given a choice.

If your wage covers the mortgage and bills, then the child support he will need to pay will cover food. Please seek legal advice as you should be entitled to half the savings too. Try and find a bank statement.

I would make your first priority speakinh to womens aid. They will give you all the advice you need. Then speak to a lawyer.

This man sounds awful. Telling you that you deserve to be sexually assaulted as a child. I can't think of a single thing in the world worse than that that anyone could say to their worst enemy, let alone their wife.

You have an exit plan.
Use it and get out.
Why are you hanging around?
Make sure your wages are paid into your own account from now on.
Talk to work today to get that resolved.
Contact CAB and find out what you are entitled to.

He sexually abuses you.
There is NO coming back from that.
Get out and do it now.

Important paperwork, essentials and leave!

I've just spoken to my Dad and told him the basics and he has said I can go there tomorrow if H doesn't / won't leave. I can't do it today as I have to do a Mexican food & cinema night for 5 eleven year old boys late afternoon.

My dad has just told me to ring work & get them to transfer my wage into my own bank account. I don't have one of my own so I'll have to sort that. Can you apply online? I'm starting a new, better paid job with the same employer next month so now is a good time. Does anyone know if asking for a repayment holiday on the mortgage for a month or 2 is still allowed?

I haven't got a cat in hells chance of getting the savings or the car, it is all in his name. He will do anything to keep hold of 'his' cash. Even if it means penalising his children.

DD is being so clingy, she is currently jumping on me, and doing anything to have my full attention. DS2 is oblivious but he's a 6 year old boy so he will be. DS1 is solely focussed on his friends coming. I could happily sink a glass of pinot tonight but if I do that I'll just cry. Got to keep going & keep strong. I can't believe my marriage is ending on such a beautiful day.

A beautiful day for starting a new life though, without an aggressive bully.

I think you can get a holiday or change to interest only, for a period of time, depends who you have your mortgage with.

Good luck and keep posting!

Oh bless your dad.
And yes you can open accounts on line.
Have a look at Martins Money tips for good accounts.
I have a Santander 123 current account and you get cash back on all sorts of things.

You are entitled to the savings and car so don't let him fob you off with 'it's in his name so you aren't entitled'

That's Bollox. All assets are BOTH of yours.
Not just his. Both. Even his pension!
So get yourself booked in with a solicitor to get the details sorted out.
You are married and you will amazed at what you ARE entitled to.

I'm so glad you have now realised this is NOT OK and you deserve so much more as do your DC.

Keep going and keep strong.
Have the wine when you get to your dads tomorrow.

Don't forget, if you can, to get paperwork together.
Passports, marriage certificate, birth certificates, any financial paperwork you can find. Proof of earnings. Bank statements. etc....

A glorious day to start a glorious new life, for you and your glorious kids, without the poison you've endured for so long.
What a beautiful day!
Get hold of whatever paperwork you can find. Get yourself to a solicitor.
Get a fabulous new life!

I don't have much practical advice but other poster's have given you great tips as to what you need to do. You're so close OP - I think you sound very brave and very strong given your circumstances.

I think most solicitors give a free hour consultation to start with so you could get that sorted to start you off.

Good luck OP - keep posting...we're here to give advice, support or just to listen if you want a rant x

Thanks apocalypse. I don't feel brave or strong, I just want to run away and lie on a beach for a week to sort out my thoughts.

The overwhelming feeling is exhausted. I just feel worn down and numb I suppose. I can't feel any feelings because there are too many bubbling away. If I wasn't on a very strong dose of antidepressants I'd be a gibbering wreck.

You do have a cat's hell of getting your hands on the savings - although once you separate, he may spend it all. You are entitled to at least 50% of the matrimonial assets. A solicitor will explain it all. Most likely the advice will be not to move out of the home, but it's understandable why you want to (who wouldn't?).

If there is DV, you must report it. This way you'll get legal aid and him moved out of the home.

The minute you move out, you need to take your name off all the bills and C.Tax etc.

A good starting point is 'The Wealthy Divorcee' which explains everything money-wise, not just investments but what to look for when opening a bank account, how to budget etc - all the things you have been deprived of for years.

Half of splitting up with your spouse is the emotional impact, the other half is the practical. The emotions will heal in time, the finances won't unless you start planning now.

Take care, love - you've made a very brave decision for the benefit of you and your children.

Numb is probably what you need to be right now....it's your mind's way of protecting itself until you're in a place where you can deal with your feelings iyswim. A bit of anger too can help though and motivate you to do the right thing and get yourself and your dc to safe, healthier place.

Are you moving out today or are you considering staying and seeing if you can get him to go?

You said that your parents are supportive practically but not emotionally - that's tough but try and concentrate on the practical stuff for now that they can help you with.

Thinking of you and sending love and strength your way

Hi its OP. Name changes. I didn't get out as the day I posted I got really ill & was admitted to hospita so I lost the house. I had to have operations & have only just got out of hospital. Had to rely in H for help with dcs. So back to square one. Again. I'm so fed up about it. It seems fate intervenes every time I leave.

Gertrude

If you're well enough get to a solicitor ASAP.

You're married, all the things HE has, including property and savings are JOINT marital assets. Get yourself a SHL (like WellWhoKnew on the "Dear STBXH" thread. I strongly suggest you read it.)

I'm so sorry to hear you've been so ill.

to build up your strength!

Hello Op, you poor thing. I hope you're on the mend now. You can still move ahead with your plans when you're feeling better.

I hope your h had nothing to do with you being ill/in hospital.

Where are you at now? Are you safe?

Sorry RL keeps getting in the way! I'm still at home.

Things have been intermittently bad; H's mum is getting more ill with her terminal illness & in a fit of compassion and sorrow I invited mil & fil to stay here if she becomes very poorly. They live in a remote place that requires an air ambulance for acute health emergencies whereas we are a 5 min drive from hospital.

So I now feel more obligation to stay but H is ramping up the emotional abuse as he gets more stressed about his mum. This morning he was angry about exposing the DC's to a 'day out with my chav bitch of a sister, who he hates' (his words) & spending £90 of my wage on a day out with my 'shitty family'. He hasn't contributed anything to the 3 dc's uniforms or school shoes and until I get paid on Monday I'll be stretched to buy DS1's rugby shirt & shoes but I feel like I can't ask him for any money because he will berate me for 'wasting' money on the day out which has been planned for months. I've sent him an email this morning apologising and asking him to sort it out and again he's just ignoring me :-/

I feel so lost & weak & defeated. Just had a call from Doctors bollocking me for not going for a blood test for post op checks (something wrong with an organ now) but he hasn't given me any time away from dc's to go to hospital and won't let me pay for parking charges in hospital and I can't walk the distance with 3 dc's from the village where parking is free. Sorry just getting everything off my chest.

his family may be moving in, but it still doesnt negate your need to get out. They were obviously too far from hospital but living OK on a day to day, so let them be. Your H can do the sympathy.
Forge ahead with your plans, is the offer from your dad still standing?
I would tell your doctor about why you cant get there, maybe they can offer you some councilling once kids back at school (or some places have creches) which might help you get the strength to get out

does your sister know. You need to tell as many RL people, you will be surprised at the support out there for you

Please call Womens Aid.
They can help you a lot in this situation.
You still need to get away.
You are in a FOG right now.
Read up on it and it might help the FOG to clear?
I'm so sad you are still there and still putting up with this awful shit.
You don't OWE him or his family anything at all.
What you do owe is YOURSELF some love and happiness and your DC also deserve to be in a loving stable environment.
I dread to think what they are learning about relationships being where they are now.
Well, actually we all already KNOW what they are learning.
And what they will now accept or dish out in relationships as a consequence.
For that reason alone, please leave.

Don't try to make him understand. I wasted 18 months trying to get my x to understand that his behaviour had left me with no choice. It was the same story, he acted like I'd flounced off on some childish whim, and I wasted so much energy trying to make him see.

You have to walk off just knowing you're free, not seeking his approval or his blessing. Cos screw his blessing. It ain't worth shit girlfriend :-p