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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone offer some advice please

34 replies

Headgirl1999 · 24/07/2014 00:24

Hello
I'm really in a state at the moment , my partner of 20 years is making feel like I'm going mad and I'm in the wrong about everything .
We have lived together for 19 years and have one son who's 16 , my partner has cheated on me for most of this time I think with the same person ( i have in the past found emails , texts etc ) he's told me this was nothing and she was just a friend , I've stupidly gone along with this for fear of leaving having nowhere to go , all the house money etc is in his name I'm in such a mess , I've also had to put up with his over bearing mother who rules just about anything and now the final straw that's tippped me over the edge is his mum , brother and him and my son are going on a 2 week holididay that I've not been invited to , I'm not bothered about the holiday , but my son doesn't want to go as he's not got a good relationship with his dad and he gave him no choice
My parents have offered to help me to leave by offering me the money for a flat
I know I'm very lucky to have this escape route , I'm so scared though to make the move , what should I do

Thanks for reading xx

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 24/07/2014 00:31

Leave. This is no way for you or your ds to live. I'm glad you have your parents for support. I know it is hard, but just the idea of my husband taking my son away on holiday and not inviting. For 2 weeks no less. That's crazy!!

Uou deserve better than to be with someone who treats you like this and cheats on you. It may be difficult for things to change. But I imagine it won't take very long at all for you to feel better. And your ds will be in a happier healthier environment.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm intrigued what your husband said though. Did he say you're not allowed to go on holiday with them?

whattodoforthebest2 · 24/07/2014 00:32

I'm sorry you're going thru this, what an awful situation you've had to put up with for such a long time.

I honestly feel that if you have a chance to get away from this nasty man and his family, then you should grab it with both hands. Start making plans now for yourself and your son and let your parents help you to find a better life elsewhere.

ilovelamp82 · 24/07/2014 00:33

I would get some legal advice. It doesn't matter if things are in his name if you are married. Also, just read that your son is 16. Surely if he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to.

Bogeyface · 24/07/2014 00:34

Leave.

LEAVE.

LEAVE.

Take your son with you, and his passport (just in case), I know he is 16 but you can never be too careful.

Forget the house and the money, you can deal with that later (with a good lawyer).

I'm really in a state at the moment , my partner of 20 years is making feel like I'm going mad and I'm in the wrong about everything Classic abusive behaviour.

You wouldnt be posting here if you were determined to stay in the relationship, you just need someone to tell you its ok to leave, so here it is....

He treats you like shit, he allows others to treat you like shit, he is abusive to you, he is abusive to his own son, he has cheated on your for almost 20 years. Not only is it ok for you to leave, it is imperative that you for your own mental health and for your sons happiness ok?

Can you and your DS stay with your parents until you find a place of your own? It can take time and frankly the sooner you get away from him the better, you certainly need to be gone before the "holiday" ("" because it isnt any holiday for your DS). Do you work? Where are your wages paid? If it is a joint account that he controls, open yourself a new account and get them paid into that, so at least you control your finances.

Everybodyleaves · 24/07/2014 00:35

OMG, that is appalling behaviour from all of them! Shock

Partner clearly has NO respect for you from his actions. Sorry, but I have no idea if you would be entitled to half of the assets???

In your shoes, I would take the escape route and go with your son to a flat where no one will be able to make you feel mad or worthless.
Take care x

bunchoffives · 24/07/2014 00:39

Why are you scared?

WildBillfemale · 24/07/2014 05:52

You have a lifeline provided by your parents in the form of money for a flat - please use it and LEAVE.

The holiday plans without you are unbelievable. The rest is unacceptable.
After 19 years of this there is going to be upheaval but it shouldn't be frightening. Embrace the changes and start enjoying life again away from this toxic relationship.

lavenderhoney · 24/07/2014 06:37

Your ds is 16 - he can leave home if he wants to and certainly doesn't have to go on holiday with anyone, even if they booked it. He has a choice. The choice is to break free of his controlling father and you must help him.

Your dh and his family have treated you very badly indeed. Your parents much be horrified you have been so unhappy.

I suggest you get together all the financial stuff, take copies or make notes of it, remove anything if sentimental value and take it to your parents house. You will need their support before you move in anywhere on your own. So will your ds, he cannot support you and deal with the coming drama. He has his own demons to deal with staying up to his father.

Go and see a solicitor once you're home. Free 30 mins. Don't let your parents give you money or buy a flat as its part if assets until you divorce.

When is this holiday? Get all the above done ASAP and there is nothing to loose and everything to gain. If you are scared, what are you scared of?

call women's aid ASAP too, and perhaps for your ds at 16, there is a young adult number support for him? Someone may be along soon who knows these things.

hamptoncourt · 24/07/2014 07:35

Leave and take your DS.

If you leave him behind they will all turn the abuse onto him.

I feel so sorry for you, you probably don't realise how shocking your post is, but I have to tell you it brought tears to my eyes. You sound so beaten and scared.

Please don't let the fact that this has gone on for 20 years be an excuse for it to carry on another 20 years.

Today is the day you start taking steps away from this life and embrace another where you are allowed to put your needs and DS needs first.

Thanks
Lweji · 24/07/2014 07:51

What everyone else has said.

Leave and offer your son the chance to go with you.
How do you think he'll decide?

Original poster
Headgirl1999 · 24/07/2014 08:45

Thank you for all your replies , we are not married so dont think I'd get any assets or anything as its all in his name .
I've spoke to him This morning and he's just said "oh are u gonna go on about it again! " he said I could of come if i wanted but I'd have to pay for myself , that's not a problem I could have paid for myself (again my great mum and dad ) my son literally cried last night saying he didn't want to leave me for 2 weeks , I work for myself so getting time off would mean me loosing 2 weeks pay , which at short notice would be hard for me
I am just scared to make that move .

OP posts:
Doitforme · 24/07/2014 09:01

I'm sure you will have the assets divided up between you.
You will find it hard to leave but once you are in a lovely little place of your own with your son, you will love it. Really love it. Smile

Lweji · 24/07/2014 09:36

How about you see how you feel for those two weeks without him?

And your son can decide to stay. Is he afraid of his dad?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 24/07/2014 09:42

Please leave for both your sakes. I wouldn't waste anymore energy on this man.

mindyourown1 · 24/07/2014 09:47

Leave - and tell your son he can decide not to go on holiday.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/07/2014 10:29

I realise you're scared to make the move. It's a big step, you've been downtrodden for a long time and your confidence in your own judgement will be non-existent as a result. When you're not feeling strong, that's the time to get strong people on your side. Your parents sound fantastic with their offer of money. Would they or others be prepared to be with you now and support you? Would they intervene? I think you and your DS desperately need that extra push of someone prepared to help you physically pack the bag and walk out of the door

LittleLadyFooFoo · 24/07/2014 10:46

I am sorry this is happening to you. I am lad you are not going on the holiday. I would use the time whilst your DP is away to pack up all your things and leave. This happened to me and I'm a year down the line and believe me, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from you.
Regards your son, at age 16 he can say to his father that he doesn't want to go. I realise this might be difficult for him but with your support, it's possible. All the best OP.

ilovelamp82 · 24/07/2014 10:47

The decision to leave is harder thean the practicalities of it. Especially as you have your parents for support. Once you go, you'll get to decide how your life goes. You've been so beaten down for so long that you might feel like you're not capable but you are. You'll surprise yourself. The fact that you work for yourself shows how capable you are.

Apart from the fact that you've been with him for 20 years, what is there to stay for. I've been to support groups with women that have been in their relationships for the same length of time and I see how hard it is, but no one regrets it.

Do you really think that anything will suddenly change? If not, you ddeserve better. As does your son. If he doesn't want to leave you for 2 weeks. To rhe point of crying! He doesn't have to. End of!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 24/07/2014 11:47

my son doesn't want to go as he's not got a good relationship with his dad and he gave him no choice

He is 16 he can decide for himself where he lives let alone whether he wants to go on holiday.

captainmummy · 24/07/2014 12:59

It doesn;t actually matter that things are in his name - if you have been togather 20 years, you will have a claim. You have probably paid into the house/car/whatever, by paying for any maintenance, or doing DIY, or even paying for food etc (as he will not have these outgoings, so could afford the mortgage IYSWIM)

Is the ds his? As others have said, he is 16 and can vote with his feet; the fact that he is upset at 'having to go' means that he has been controlled and possibly mentally cowed by his father.

See a solicitor, get financial statements, passports and birth certificates, anything else you can think of. Phone WA for advice on what to take, what to do next.

Lweji · 24/07/2014 13:01

I can see how your son thinks he has no options, because he sees you as with his dad.

But if you leave he can choose to get away from his dad, following your example.

Mind you, he may feel sorry for the sorry asshole, and decide to stay, but he will have your example that he can turn his back if he is not happy.

Jan45 · 24/07/2014 16:20

Please just do it, you are in an abusive relationship with a man that thinks nothing of cheating on you, no doubt with god knows who.

Do it for your son if you are too scared, think about him, you have a lot of life to live, why live it under fear of a bully, there is no need.

Your parents will help you financially so really you don't have any reason to stay!

Pinkfrocks · 24/07/2014 16:30

Unfortunately, when you are not married, you have no claim to anything owned by the other person.

If his home is in his name and you are simply living together you are not due anything.

He would have to pay maintenance for his son till he is 18.

I am also not sure about his son being able to leave home at 16- he is still a minor until he is 18. He can get married etc but that is only with his parents' permission, so I am not sure about his rights as a 16 year old to go against what his dad wants- legally. Obviously his dad is not going to get a court order to make him go on holiday and in reality the son can live with who he wants- the courts would rule in his favour- but you do need legal advice on all of this.

ilovelamp82 · 24/07/2014 16:38

I lived on my own when I was 16.

Lweji · 24/07/2014 16:52

You, as the mother, and even more so as not being married, can forbid your son from leaving the country.
Get legal advice on this.

Also on assets. You are probably not entitled, unless you can demonstrate that you have contributed towards the mortgage, work at home, etc. But it probably would need to go through the courts.