Can someone offer some advice please

[Headgirl1999]

Hello
I'm really in a state at the moment , my partner of 20 years is making feel like I'm going mad and I'm in the wrong about everything .
We have lived together for 19 years and have one son who's 16 , my partner has cheated on me for most of this time I think with the same person ( i have in the past found emails , texts etc ) he's told me this was nothing and she was just a friend , I've stupidly gone along with this for fear of leaving having nowhere to go , all the house money etc is in his name I'm in such a mess , I've also had to put up with his over bearing mother who rules just about anything and now the final straw that's tippped me over the edge is his mum , brother and him and my son are going on a 2 week holididay that I've not been invited to , I'm not bothered about the holiday , but my son doesn't want to go as he's not got a good relationship with his dad and he gave him no choice
My parents have offered to help me to leave by offering me the money for a flat
I know I'm very lucky to have this escape route , I'm so scared though to make the move , what should I do

Thanks for reading xx

[Headgirl1999]

Thank you ilovelamp82 xxx

[ilovelamp82]

That sounds like a good plan headgirl. As long as your son is ok with it. Be good to yourself and let your parents help you. Be brutally honest with them. Sometimes telling people in real life what has happened and seeing their response and what they have to say about it makes you realise the extent of what has happened to you and can help you stay away from him.

It may not seem like it but it really won't take very long at all for life to be a whole lot better. And remember thatwwhen you feel like you're missing him. It's the man you hoped and wished he would be, not the man that yoi actually know. That may sound simple but it's a hard thing to get your head around.

You deserve so much better and I'm glad you're makingthese first steps. I Imagine your son will be happy too. You are showing him that these things within a relationship are not ok, so hopefully he will not follow the same patterns and will go on to have healthy relationships hinself.

Well done OP x

[Headgirl1999]

Thank you all for taking the time to write such honest , good advice , I do really appreciate it . I am going to let the holiday go ahead and when they're away I will start the ball rolling on with what I should have done years ago
Thanks
Xxxxx

[ilovelamp82]

I paid for myself Pinkfrocks. I know it's not the norm but I didn't think it was that rare.

OP, you are not a coward. This is a major life decision that you didn't anticipate having to make. You've been living a life with someone treating you so bad that you've accepted things as normal that people on the outside would never imagine accepting. That's not to say that any one of us couldn't have ended up in your position. It's been 20 years of chipping away at your self esteem, that has made you believe that to not be with him would be harder than to not be with him.

It's not the case. I know how hard it feels but you deserve so much better. The person that is supposed to love you treats you worse than anyone else. That can't be right.

You have your parents and your son for support. Anything would be better than what you're having to endure. You really are worth so much more than you feel you are. But I fear that you won't realise that until you get away from him.

Nobody deserves to be openly cheated on. How unbelievably disrespectful. And the fact that your son knows as well is heartbreaking.

I would keep talking to people in real life. If you're honest with them they'll support you, with your best interests ay heart unlike your "dh"

[captainmummy]

Fgs -he cheated on you! For years, by the looks. Honestly, you deserve better.

If your ds wants to go, all well and good, but your marriage is still over...

[Headgirl1999]

My son is coming a bit around now to the idea of the holiday( teenagers !) , which I feel better about, if he's happy that's a weight of my mind !He knows a lot of whats gone on , as there was a time when he was 11 when the other woman phoned my home and he heard a lot of stuff I wish he hadn't . The poor relationship with his dad stems from this .

[Headgirl1999]

I've spoke to a few friends today and they've all been dumbstruck at what I've told them ( no one knew anything and thought we were a happy family ) , my partner seems deeply upset when I've told him that I want to leave and he's trying to get me to feel sorry for him ! He won't admit the cheating and simply says I have done nothing except talk to her (the other woman ) which I find insulting as I've seen a message with him saying he loves her , ( his excuse for this is that he felt sorry for her ) I know I being a coward I am terrified of the future and think am I making a mistake if I leave ? I've not told my parents the full story yet , we have never had anything like this in our family and I suppose I feel embarrassed

[lavenderhoney]

At 16 you can walk out the door and not come back. Your parents do not have legal rights over you. I left at 16, got a live in job and did my qualifications after work at evening school. No one paid and no one helped.

Now- your ds needs to be told he can just leave if he wants. He can go now to his gps and no matter what your dh does he doesn't have to leave. Even call the police- they will side with your ds. In fact- call the police yourself!

I strongly suggest you get your stuff and go with him. Don't go on holiday! Keep your job, stop worrying about getting nothing when you leave, it doesn't matter. it sounds as though your parents will help, but I do suggest you contact women's aid as a matter of urgency, because you do need help and advice and you will need it after you leave as well.

[Pinkfrocks]

Who paid for you Ilove?

[Lweji]

You, as the mother, and even more so as not being married, can forbid your son from leaving the country.
Get legal advice on this.

Also on assets. You are probably not entitled, unless you can demonstrate that you have contributed towards the mortgage, work at home, etc. But it probably would need to go through the courts.

[ilovelamp82]

I lived on my own when I was 16.

[Pinkfrocks]

Unfortunately, when you are not married, you have no claim to anything owned by the other person.

If his home is in his name and you are simply living together you are not due anything.

He would have to pay maintenance for his son till he is 18.

I am also not sure about his son being able to leave home at 16- he is still a minor until he is 18. He can get married etc but that is only with his parents' permission, so I am not sure about his rights as a 16 year old to go against what his dad wants- legally. Obviously his dad is not going to get a court order to make him go on holiday and in reality the son can live with who he wants- the courts would rule in his favour- but you do need legal advice on all of this.

[Jan45]

Please just do it, you are in an abusive relationship with a man that thinks nothing of cheating on you, no doubt with god knows who.

Do it for your son if you are too scared, think about him, you have a lot of life to live, why live it under fear of a bully, there is no need.

Your parents will help you financially so really you don't have any reason to stay!

[Lweji]

I can see how your son thinks he has no options, because he sees you as with his dad.

But if you leave he can choose to get away from his dad, following your example.

Mind you, he may feel sorry for the sorry asshole, and decide to stay, but he will have your example that he can turn his back if he is not happy.

[captainmummy]

It doesn;t actually matter that things are in his name - if you have been togather 20 years, you will have a claim. You have probably paid into the house/car/whatever, by paying for any maintenance, or doing DIY, or even paying for food etc (as he will not have these outgoings, so could afford the mortgage IYSWIM)

Is the ds his? As others have said, he is 16 and can vote with his feet; the fact that he is upset at 'having to go' means that he has been controlled and possibly mentally cowed by his father.

See a solicitor, get financial statements, passports and birth certificates, anything else you can think of. Phone WA for advice on what to take, what to do next.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

my son doesn't want to go as he's not got a good relationship with his dad and he gave him no choice


He is 16 he can decide for himself where he lives let alone whether he wants to go on holiday.

[ilovelamp82]

The decision to leave is harder thean the practicalities of it. Especially as you have your parents for support. Once you go, you'll get to decide how your life goes. You've been so beaten down for so long that you might feel like you're not capable but you are. You'll surprise yourself. The fact that you work for yourself shows how capable you are.

Apart from the fact that you've been with him for 20 years, what is there to stay for. I've been to support groups with women that have been in their relationships for the same length of time and I see how hard it is, but no one regrets it.

Do you really think that anything will suddenly change? If not, you ddeserve better. As does your son. If he doesn't want to leave you for 2 weeks. To rhe point of crying! He doesn't have to. End of!

[LittleLadyFooFoo]

I am sorry this is happening to you. I am lad you are not going on the holiday. I would use the time whilst your DP is away to pack up all your things and leave. This happened to me and I'm a year down the line and believe me, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from you.
Regards your son, at age 16 he can say to his father that he doesn't want to go. I realise this might be difficult for him but with your support, it's possible. All the best OP.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I realise you're scared to make the move. It's a big step, you've been downtrodden for a long time and your confidence in your own judgement will be non-existent as a result. When you're not feeling strong, that's the time to get strong people on your side. Your parents sound fantastic with their offer of money. Would they or others be prepared to be with you now and support you? Would they intervene? I think you and your DS desperately need that extra push of someone prepared to help you physically pack the bag and walk out of the door

[mindyourown1]

Leave - and tell your son he can decide not to go on holiday.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Please leave for both your sakes. I wouldn't waste anymore energy on this man.

[Lweji]

How about you see how you feel for those two weeks without him?

And your son can decide to stay. Is he afraid of his dad?

[Doitforme]

I'm sure you will have the assets divided up between you.
You will find it hard to leave but once you are in a lovely little place of your own with your son, you will love it. Really love it.

[Headgirl1999]

Thank you for all your replies , we are not married so dont think I'd get any assets or anything as its all in his name .
I've spoke to him This morning and he's just said "oh are u gonna go on about it again! " he said I could of come if i wanted but I'd have to pay for myself , that's not a problem I could have paid for myself (again my great mum and dad ) my son literally cried last night saying he didn't want to leave me for 2 weeks , I work for myself so getting time off would mean me loosing 2 weeks pay , which at short notice would be hard for me
I am just scared to make that move .

[Lweji]

What everyone else has said.

Leave and offer your son the chance to go with you.
How do you think he'll decide?