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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sensitive subject..........................MN wisdom needed

36 replies

JustaName · 13/09/2006 20:55

A appologise for the length of this in advance.

As a child I was abused by my father for a number of years. When it was brought out in the open by a third party I only admitted to a single 'minor' event taking place.

My father died earlier this year. My mum has indicated to me "we need to have a talk, because if you hate him for the reasons I think you do, I hate him too".

So far since his death I have managed to avoid being alone with her, but an occasion is approaching where I am likely to end up alone & therefore be forced to answer her questions. I feel there are 3 options:
a) tell her I don't want to talk about it & hope she drops the subject
b) tell her some stuff and let her believe it is the whole truth
c) tell her the whole truth.

I feel that c) is not really an option that I am comfortable with & I don't really feel much better about b). But I feel that if I go with a)she will think the worst which is worse than things actually were IYSWIM.

I already feel betrayed by the fact she has indicated by her original statement that she knows that more than was made 'official' happened. I could just leave the subject alone & carry on getting on with my life, which is what I have been doing for the last 15 or more years.

So to tap into the wisdom of MN - what would you?

OP posts:

Sunnysideup · 13/09/2006 21:05

my feeling is that it's all or nothing tbh, for your sake. If you tell her some stuff, this may open a can of worms for you; you may not like what she has to say about it and may end up feeling worse than if you had got it ALL out there because you may be left with uncertainty and confusion about what she did/didn't know or would have said about the other stuff, etc.

I am purely offering my humble opinion here!! Only you know how comfortable you are with talking about it and whether any positive outcome could A) result from it and B) be worth the possible upset/betrayal you MAY feel....

it is all a bit of a can of worms, isn't it.

I am so very very sorry that your dad abused you. It is the ultimate betrayal by a parent isn't it. All good wishes x

Pages · 13/09/2006 21:15

Hi Justaname

Sorry you have this dilemma and for what you have been through. I don't know why your mum has brought this up after all this time but clearly it is bringing up some uncomfortable feelings for you. I suppose it depends exactly why your mum wants to know as to how I would personally react but it seems from what you have said that she wants to support you, and if that is the case then I envy you that and the acknowledgement of how real it all was.

Me and my older brother were emotionally and physically (not sexually) abused by my stepdad and my mum is still in denial about the extent of it and still trivialises and diminishes what happened both to us and other family members. This is a common reaction and much more usual I would imagine than your mum's desire to be open and support you. I personally dream of my mum behaving like yours but know it will never happen. Obviously you have had to cope on your own, and have buried your feelings about the abuse but do you think talking openly and honestly might help you have a deeper and more meaningful relationship with your mum? Are there any ways in which the effect of the abuse is still affecting your life which could improve with sharing the burden?

Original poster

JustaName · 13/09/2006 21:17

Thanks - don't worry about it being 'your humble opinion'. Thats exactly what I am looking for.

I agonised for a long time over whether to post this sort of thing on a discussion board. In the end I decided that there was no way I can talk to other people in RL about this (I have told DP a little in the past) - but I wanted some other points of view before I decide what to do.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 13/09/2006 21:20

can you bring yourself to write it all down and send it to her

I think I'd tell her

its not your 'dirty secret' or shame .. its his

NotQuiteCockney · 13/09/2006 21:23

Were your parents still together when your dad died? Were you on ok terms with them?

I think I would probably want to tell the whole truth, but I've not really been in your situation, so it's hard for me to judge. Why don't you want to tell her all of it?

I like Twiglett's option, of a letter ...

Original poster

JustaName · 13/09/2006 21:24

I have never been overly close with my mum -but for primarily other reasons. It didn't come across as wanting to support me, - more to know whether or not she was justified in hating him IYSWIM.

I have genuinely moved on. At 16yrs old I didn't think that I would ever be able to have a sex life as a result of this - but I do & even have 3 children. The hardest thing for me was to take my girls to visit him (which I was obliged to do so as not to cause upset for my mother). That is obviously no longer an issue.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/09/2006 21:28

TEll her it all. NO holds barred. YOu have done nothing wrong.

Original poster

JustaName · 13/09/2006 21:30

I don't want to tell her all of it because
a) I don't want to feel uncomfortable around her because she 'knows' &
b) I don't want her to feel guilty for not being aware at teh time & protecting me.

There is probably a third 'just don't want to talk about it' which is hard to explain. I have never talked to anyone about it in any detail. I have told DP what he needs to know so he understands why I don't do certain things in the bedroom.

I certainly don't think it is a 'dirty secret' or anything like that. I wouldn't be comfortable talking about my sex life with DP with her, the same principals apply here in my eyes.

And no they weren't together when he died. She only stayed with him for as long as she did for the benefit of my brother who was living at home.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustaName · 13/09/2006 21:32

I was on OK terms with my mother (but not especially close). I didn't talk to my father out of choice since leaving home. I saw him once a year as I had an obligation to take DC to see him

OP posts:

CrocodileKate · 13/09/2006 21:38

If it was my mother i would refuse to discuss it. Not because i felt that i had anything remotely shameful to hide but to protect myself IYSWIM.
There are things I would not be comfortable with her knowing the details of. This is a completely personal viewpoint regarding something that happened in my own life.

Original poster

JustaName · 13/09/2006 21:43

That sums up how I am feeling very well CK. I just don't want her to (incorrectly) think the worst by my refusal to discuss it.

As far as I am concerned it is history. She can't do anything about it now - just upset herself by asking & putting facts to what I guess she already knows.

OP posts:

stretchmarks · 13/09/2006 21:43

HI,

Sorry to hear of your situation. You need to do what is best for YOU. If you don't want to talk to her about all of this at the moment then that is fine.Don't feel obliged to tell her if you are not comfortable with that. Likewise if you are happy to talk to her then you should tell her the whole truth there is no need for you to hide any of the facts from her if she is asking to know the truth.

lemonaid · 13/09/2006 21:44

I think it has to be (a) or (c). My instinct is (c), but it sounds as though you'd feel better with (a) -- which I think is the main consideration. Option (b), in my opinion, will just make both of you feel worse. Stick to "Mum, I appreciate your concern, but I have genuinely moved on from that phase of my life and don't want to go back over it now." and use the broken record technique.

Not sure what she said other than what you quoted, but based on that alone it doesn't necessarily mean that she knew anything more than the 'official' incident happened. It could just be that she's been brooding over it and has realised that some things don't add up. But you probably have other reasons for your suspicions.

Original poster

JustaName · 13/09/2006 21:51

She didn't really say anything else. We were in the middle of talking about funeral arrangements at the time.

I do suspect that she new more at the time of disclosure. I am ashamed to say that the officical line was merely for the police/SS so they wouldn't take my mums husband away (or me - I was only about 8 or 9). In private I think it was obvious that there was more than I let on

OP posts:

Original poster

JustaName · 13/09/2006 21:54

A lot of people are saying I should tell the whole truth. Why is this so much better than telling my mum enough so that she thinks she knows the whole truth (but allowing me to preserve some of the deeper truths). I think that if I had talk about it I would find it easier if I knew I could omit the information I wanted to. Why is that so bad?

OP posts:

lemonaid · 13/09/2006 21:59

I think it's that your mother is asking you to be honest with her. So be honest with her and say you don't want to discuss it, or be honest with her and tell her the whole truth. Just don't be dishonest and lie to her (which you would end up doing at some point, with option (b)).

This is entirely my own opinion, though. You're the one who's in this situation and you should be the one making the decision. I don't think anyone would blame you whichever option you went for -- I know I wouldn't.

fattiemumma · 13/09/2006 21:59

I think that your mum deserves to know the truth.
if you feel you can't speak to her about what happened face to face would you consider writting it all down?
i think it woulc be quite theraputic for you as well as you could allow all those emotions that are too p[ainfull to express normally to flow through to the paper.

CrocodileKate · 13/09/2006 22:01

If something happened to me as a child then it happened to me and it is me that has to deal with it. Why, if my mother finally decided to acknowledge this when i am an adult, does she deserve to know the truth?
As I said, these are just my feelings.

Tommy · 13/09/2006 22:15

something similar has happened in our family and I thought I had told my Mum the truth (pretty sure - I think she has blanked it out).

The fall out of her thinking she knew the truth and actually not has been horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Tell her the truth. As someone said (it was Jesus actually) "The truth will set you free..."

aitch71 · 13/09/2006 22:17

i am fortunate in that i have no personal experience to bring to this subject, so i am talking off the top of my head, but if Justaname's mum knew more at the time and did not do anything, why does she deserve to know the truth now? If Justaname has moved beyond it, why does she have to talk with her mother about it now?

Justaname, i think that if you don't wish to tell anyone such personal details, you shouldn't have to. you were the victim of an abuser and you are the one dealing with that so whatever you say goes, as far as i'm concerned. if your mother considers herself also a victim of this abuser then she has the right to deal with her feelings only insofar as they do not impinge on anyone else's recovery.

Personally I would go with the broken record option, but you might have to prepare yourself for the fact that your mother feels she has something to unburden herself of, so she might be difficult to stop if she gets going on the subject.

i'm very sorry to hear that your father betrayed you like this, and greatly admire that you have built honest and solid relationships of your own since then.

NotQuiteCockney · 13/09/2006 22:19

I'm more than a little disturbed that you think what happened with your father is private in the same way that your sex life with your DH is private.

I've not been in your position, I don't know how it feels. But you seem to be treating this as if it was normal sex, and not the mistreatment of a child .

Tommy · 13/09/2006 22:24

should add after what others have said - don't tell her because you think she deserves the truth, only tell her if it's more helpful for you.

Original poster

JustaName · 13/09/2006 22:39

NQC - I certainly don't view it in the same way as my sex life with DP. I am just a private person and the thought of talking about 'sexual experiences' of any kind, consented or otherwise, with my mother makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:

privatematter · 13/09/2006 22:40

You said "As far as I am concerned it is history. She can't do anything about it now - just upset herself by asking & putting facts to what I guess she already knows." You also said there is a large element of 'not wanting to talk about it'. This is about you not her. Can you try to explain this to her?

I'm not in the exact same position, but I can totally relate to not wanting to dredge it all up. You've been in a good place for a long time, why bring it all up again and have to deal with the fall out again? Be good to yourself.

NotQuiteCockney · 13/09/2006 22:41

Hmm, I can see how that would be ... in a letter, you could be as vague about it all as you wanted ... but then you're afraid she would assume it was even worse than it was ...

Do you think your father maybe discussed it with her on his deathbed?

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