Sensitive subject..........................MN wisdom needed

[JustaName]

A appologise for the length of this in advance.

As a child I was abused by my father for a number of years. When it was brought out in the open by a third party I only admitted to a single 'minor' event taking place.

My father died earlier this year. My mum has indicated to me "we need to have a talk, because if you hate him for the reasons I think you do, I hate him too".

So far since his death I have managed to avoid being alone with her, but an occasion is approaching where I am likely to end up alone & therefore be forced to answer her questions. I feel there are 3 options:
a) tell her I don't want to talk about it & hope she drops the subject
b) tell her some stuff and let her believe it is the whole truth
c) tell her the whole truth.

I feel that c) is not really an option that I am comfortable with & I don't really feel much better about b). But I feel that if I go with a)she will think the worst which is worse than things actually were IYSWIM.

I already feel betrayed by the fact she has indicated by her original statement that she knows that more than was made 'official' happened. I could just leave the subject alone & carry on getting on with my life, which is what I have been doing for the last 15 or more years.

So to tap into the wisdom of MN - what would you?

No he died suddenly & they weren't living together at the time.

Justaname, I can understand your not wanting to talk about sexual experiences of any kind with your mother. Agree totally with Tommy's post about only telling your mother what is helpful FOR YOU.

My suspicion would be that your mother knows a great deal more than she is letting on. She has hinted there is more than was made official. She didn't just wake up that day of making funeral arrangements and think for the first time that there was 'more'. She damn well knew it long ago. Like you I feel betrayed by people that I should have been able to trust implicitly, it hurts, and we and umpteen others like us have to deal with it in whatever way we can.

Do whatever you decide FOR YOU, not her - she let a little girl grow into a woman without putting a stop to it or giving you support. You owe her nothing on this, it has to be totally what feels right to you. It may be a closed door, or opening pandora's box. In your position I am afraid I would probably say a lot of things, probably ones she wouldn't want to hear about the way SHE was through and over this. The details of the dark past wouldn't necessarily come into it. But I am me, and you are you. I am only on here tonight under a namechange because of the other thread about unreported abuse and as a regular poster, I couldn't go under my usual mnname. this name says it all. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Haven't read whole thread but...

If you find yourself alone with her could you let her lead the conversation ie. why does she hate him? She's introduced the idea of talking about it, so you could just let her talk, if you can bear to listen.

I have just quickly looked at these messages and not read them all, but in answer to the OP, I think you do need to talk this through, but not with your mum. You say you have never spokoen about it with anyone before - I think it would be good to talk it out - can you see a counsellor or even just phone the Samaratans and talk it through? See how you feel after talking it over with a stranger, before you decide what to say to your mother.

I have no idea if it is good or not to say the whole truth. It might be a very good thing. But remember, your father cannot now contradict anything you say or reform himself, and what you say to your mother could permanently affect your mother's memories of him (which might be a release for her as well).

I know, the older I have got, the more value I place on keeping quiet about certain aspects of family members who have passed away. But then, I am not talking about abuse. Sorry for the ramble - just take things slowly and consider talking it through with someone else first.

I think I actually quite like your suggestion about talking about it in RL - but with someone anonymous TM. I certainly hadn't thought about doing anything like that.

I have certainly had some interesting reponses & ideas. Thank you . It has raised ideas and ways of thinking that I hadn't considered & I still have time to consider them further before I am forced into the situation with my mum. I shall be giving the whole situation a lot more thought and considering everything you've said.

I appologise to those whom I have touched raw nerves - but it has been truely helpful.

hi justaname, thought i would post on here cause i sort of know what you're going through.

i went through something similar from when i was 10-12, but it wasn't a family member. it was an adult i was supposed to be able to trust. my parents only recently found out, and i don't like to talk about it with them. partly because it was so long ago, and partly because i don't want them to blame themselves for something that ultimately wasn't their fault. slightly different in your case, but i can understand totally your reluctance to talk about it.

however, i think you do need to excorsise your past. i went to a place in my local area which specialises in this type of counselling. they helped me drag it all out. i had nightmares for weeks, but now i'm a lot better. i've stopped taking ad's and am 23 weeks pregnant . my email is metalduck at hotmail dot co dot uk if you feel you'd like to discuss this further.

hope this helps. xxx

I may get shot down in flames for this !!
My own opinion is that if you are getting along just fine, then tell your mother that you really do not want to discuss it as you wish to leave the past in the past
.
I think (this is only my opinion), that if you drag this up again it could do you more harm than good.

I know it sounds like sweeping it under the carpet, but if it works for you then why not?

Sweeping it entirely under the carpet will just cause you more pain and anguish so would not advocate such an approach.

I would recommend counselling for your own self before talking to your Mother espeically as you've never talked about this in real life. This is all far too raw for you to bring up with her as yet. You don't have to answer anything that your Mother asks of you re the abuse you suffered; you're certainly not emotionally ready yet. When you are I would go with the option marked "C". However, you may face a hostile reaction and or denial from her. Counselling may well help you through reactions as well.

There are many web based abuse survivors groups and I would suggest you find a group online initially. The Phoenix Survivors website is being constructed but some of it is up and running. Another possible point of contact apart from the Samaritans would be the NSPCC.

Hi again

Haven't time to read the whole thread (will later) but I think that you should definitely do what's best for you and not what's best for your mum. Sounds like she has her own issues with your dad and is ready to use your issues as a means to justify hating him. If you want the past to remain where it is you don't owe anyone an explanation, just tell her it is something you have moved on from, you don't wish to discuss it but this has no bearing on how you feel about her. She should respect this.

I think the great thing about an anonymous forum like this is that you ask the question and get all sorts of answers but the answers that strike a chord and echo your own inner thoughts help you to come to your own conclusions and you don't seem to want to discuss this with your mum. That is absolutely fine, and there is no reason in the world why you should. If you explain clearly that it is too painful for you and you don't want to revisit it she will understand (anyone would). She will have to deal with her own issues in her own way. It's not your responsibility to make her feel better about what happened to you.

BTW I was once told by someone close to me that they had suffered sexual abuse as a child and I asked for detail only because my mind was racing and working overtime feeling bad for them. The person didn't wish to discuss it but told me that it was bad enough but not that bad which somehow set my mind at rest. If you really feel she will be imagining all sorts of things you don't want her to you could say something along those lines, i'm not sure if this is helpful but I hope you get what I mean. I don;t wish to diminish anything that happened to you but I get the feeling you don't want her to be imagining things about you and that you don't feel you want to take on the "victim" role.

PS I agree with Meerkats that if it is affecting your life then counselling would help, but if it really is not and you are doing ok and enjoying your family then maybe it IS best left in the past. Everyone is unique and deals with things in their own way.

Wishing you all the best with this.

Thanks pages. Your posts sum up particularly well how I feel & where I am coming from. I have not decided yet what I will do, but I think I am leaning towards the idea of telling her that it is private - even if it means me saying "it could have been worse". As many of you have said - I have to think about myself too - and I think I had been overlooking this.

The other big thing that I have realised is that if I don't tell her & change my mind at a later date I can still revisit the subject. If I do tell her I can't turn back the clock - I can't take that knowledge away from her IYSWIM.

I really appreciate all the comments and they have given me lots of POVs. As I said I havn't decided either way. It has eliminated option (b) - which was probably what I would have done without your advice.