My husband is an utter arse, not sure if I want to LTB or just string him up by his bollocks

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

We were apparently TTC only I've clocked onto DH working longer hours during the 'best' week to dtd so that he's too tired to do anything.

He's also been feigning a rib injury this week. No bruising just saying he can't do any heavy lifting or anything active. Anyway he's snoring his head off next to me and I've done the dutiful wife thing and prodded him in the bad ribs (I know I know bad wife!) to get him to turn over. Nothing. No reaction. So I've elbowed him, twice, in said ribs - enough to make you wince if you didn't have a rib injury - and nothing.

I am absolutely livid with him. If he didn't want to TTC why not tell me? Why string me along with hopes of a baby when he's clearly got no intentions of seeing it through. I've tried to broach the subject of our lack of success before and he agrees we need to have more sex at the right times and more sex in general, but how can we when he shirks his side of things?

I am so angry I can't sleep right now I need to sleep I have work tomorrow but I want to elbow him so hard he is left with a sodding rib injury

Sperm donation? Maybe your DH would prefer that?

Are you sure you aren't just making assumptions here. Could it not be that he does want a baby but like you he's feeling stressed about it and is genuinely tired/injured right now?

I usually gently push DH when he snores but I guess a dig in his ribs will have a similar result are you sure you didn't cause the injury?!

Seriously though-have you had the conversation where you express your concern that he may have changed his mind?

To everyone criticising the OP -

Unless you have spent as long as her TTC (2+yrs) you CANNOT even BEGIN to understand the frustration, anger and despair that she is experiencing.

Infertility takes away your sanity, your reason, your sense of perspective. It makes you feel like a total failure. It puts unimaginable pressure on your relationship.

Reproduction is a very primal thing. Failure to reproduce is devastating. It affects everything in your life.

You cannot "relax"
You cannot "take a break" because every month your fucking bastard period comes along to remind you of your failure. Even if you haven't had sex.

Imvho, it sounds like he is playing mind games.
Perhaps you should think about going to relate together?
His actions are not matching what he is saying. A third party/counsellor might help him to be more upfront.
Even the suggestion of involving a third party and his reaction to that, could help give a clearer picture of where he is coming from.

We spent 10 years ttc so I understand your pain and frustration.

I'm wondering if after 2+ years of ttc that it might be time to start getting some tests done (if you haven't gone down that road already).

He might be at the stage, after ttc unsuccessfully for a long time that, even if he does want a baby, he is avoiding DTD so that he doesn't have to face up to the fact that there might be a problem. He might be worried that the problem is with him. Or there could be the fear factor of actually having a baby, even if he thinks he wants one. Or there could be fear of performance failure when DTD because of the pressure.He might actually just be tired or have sore ribs. Or there could be another reason entirely.

You'll have no idea what the actual reason is unless you sit him down and have a proper discussion about it (one that doesn't descend into a shouting match). I know this is easier said than done with an uncommunicative DH but you won't make any progress until this happens.

You also need to have a plan so, if he still maintains that he wants a baby, present him with the options which are acceptable to you - eg try seriously for another 6 months then go for tests, go for tests now - and see what he will agree to. But don't be fobbed off by agreeing to keep trying indefinitely without investigations, as that will be a road to further stress and upset.

Incidentally, you do need to be DTD at the right time but only one of you needs to know when the right time is!

Have you also done some research into nutrition, lifestyle and supplements etc for ttc for both of you? These can make a difference to outcomes and also help frustration by giving you positive action you can take.

Good luck.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. What's this about him starting arguments about shoes ffs?

Could it be that he is anxious about money? (Working long hours etc.) But on the other hand, doesn't feel that is an acceptable reason to stop ttc, more that he is worried he'd be judged for not providing 'enough' for his family.
Or his boss's wife is also ttc and ovulates when you do!

Ask him to take a couple of days off work next month.

Lay your cards on the table. You've said you prefer to be open about things so just tell him what you've said here:
"I feel that you are deliberately working longer to be more tired so you can't have sex while I'm at my most fertile.
I feel that you are faking a rib injury so that you can avoid having sex when I'm at my most fertile.
I feel that although you say you want a baby, you are in fact just stringing me along and don't really but just won't say so.
I am getting very frustrated, sad and angry that I may be left childless because of this and am considering leaving you and finding someone else with whom I can have children, because I believe your heart is not in this and you won't bloody well talk to me about your real feelings."

But you have to do it in a calm environment without any hint of a row.

I do feel for you - ttc is such a soulless form of sex and if you've been going for 2y, then it just gets harder. I presume you've both had tests have you? Just to check there's nothing wrong? If not, do get that done (If you decide to stay with him, that is)

(Twat man) this is your life if he dosent respect what you want then he should really check out the other options

Why did you marry him if you have such differing sex drives and he is a such a closed book?

Thank you for your advice ladies. I'm exhausted this morning.

I caught him before work and asked if he slept ok how are his ribs, general chatter, and he said they're a bit sore and he had a shit nights sleep (he slept with no issues at all and was snoring loudly all night!) so I said he probably kept himself up snoring, apologised that I may have dug him in the ribs a bit too hard to get him to roll over but as he didn't flinch I assumed they were alright.

Cue sheepish smile from DH - the oh shit I've been rumbled kind with no further discussion about how he was this morning. So I suggested after work we go to the pub for a drink and talk it out, which he has agreed to, so I've take that as confirmation my suspicions were right. Hopefully we can work it out because he is generally a lovely man just a closed book emotionally.

I'll keep you all posted. I do sincerely hope we can work this out

As for fertility tests I've suggested them and he said no he doesn't want them. Flat out. Said the issue is we need to have more sex, agrees to it, then bails on the agreement

:(
Hope your talk is productive but I suspect the "stringing you along" thing might be the true situation, in which case you may have some hard decisions coming.
Good luck, let us know (if you want to) how it goes.

Thank you.

I honestly suspect it is the true situation. I'm prepared to have some very frank discussions and have a time frame in my mind of a few more months leaving as is, if he's not willing to take positive action (such as further testing, having sex at the right times etc) then I will tell him I'm going to have to leave as I can't cope in limbo any more

What's his relationship history? Has he TTC with a previous partner unsuccessfully? Maybe he is terrified that it's his "fault" and that makes him "less of a man" somehow?

I would be concerned that he refuses tests. This could be easily fixable.

I hope you get some answers.

So he won't agree to fertility testing and is 'tired' during your fertile period. How many times have you actually had sex during your fertile period? Seriously OP, if he is prepared to stonewall, feign ingury and lie to avoid being honest with you, then TTC'ing is the least of your problems.

Emotionally closed is doable until you need emotional input, then it turns into annoying, which eventually turns into soul destroying. If you think TTC'ing is a pain with this man, raising a child would be an absolute nightmare. Emotional closed book is no excuse for deceit.

If you want children, stop wasting you time waiting for this man to get with the programme. You may be able to accept not having children naturally if the fertility gods aren't in your favour but how accepting will you be if you remain childless because your H just couldn't be arsed.

Unless you have spent as long as her TTC (2+yrs) you CANNOT even BEGIN to understand the frustration, anger and despair that she is experiencing.

Yes I was. Six years in fact with no success and if is me with the fertility issues. It is hard on both partners when TTC and I think at times people forget that.

OP if your arc drives are different it could be that your DH is finding it difficult to DTD on demand.

You need to talk with him calmly and not in a confrontational way.

I'm sorry op, I understand your frustration. It took us multiple mc's and years of ttc to luck out.

BUT dp was up for all of it. If at any point I'd had to 'persuade' him into doing something he didn't want to then it would have been obvious that:

A) there was too much pressure and to just take a break from it, nothing as unsexy as being treated like a sperm bank.

or

B) he didn't really want to ttc at all. In which case a talk is desperately needed. You can't force someone to have a baby if they don't want to, you might need to rethink your plans or choice of dp.

Would just like to add that my friend also refused tests for years. It embarrassed the hell out of him.

It doesn't mean your dp is an emotional stone waller or a horrible person.

Really if you didn't want sex because you felt pressured into it, so your partner responded to that by interrogating and pressuring you more what would you do? I've known a few wives fake migraines etc in that instance.

After 2 years ttc you need to get a fertility referral. If he's refusing to do that and is now working longer hours to avoid sex, you really need to talk to him. He's avoiding ttc and you need to find out why.

It's maddening for you OP hope you can talk tonight.

Refusing to get himself checked over might be at the root of it. Is he embarrassed or fearful? There is no correlation between male fertility and virility. And masturbation wouldn't make him "run out of" sperm.

Or perhaps he really wanted a child but at the same time is scared of the responsibility. The disappointment every month over the past two years may have made him feel wretched for you.

Thanks for your advice I really am taking it all on board.

With regards the 'sperm bank' thing I totally get what you're saying and I am extremely conscious of it however due to the lack of sex in our relationship it was his decision to increase the amount of sex in the fertile week as his 'give' to the issue. But he's not giving even that. It's unbelievably frustrating and I'm trying to be tolerant and understanding about it but my patience is wearing out because nothing is being done. We have the same conversations the same solutions get suggested and then the same habits reoccur.

We have 'caught' a couple of times but sadly miscarried (early miscarriages under 10 weeks with the latest being 9 weeks) and again we've talked it through, he took a long while to process them and again this was taken into consideration, I accepted he won't seek counselling but wanted to 'work through it alone' but then nothing no talking to me just more sulking.

If it is the grieving he's struggling with he needs to tell me - the last miscarriage was nearly a year ago - and then at least I will 'get' the problem

If he wants to stop TTC he needs to tell me

If he has a problem with the solutions we've previously discussed, he needs to tell me

I'm not psychic and have said this to him many many times. I don't do confrontation unless it's instigated by other people and would rather talk out things calmly but his sulking prevents this and it is so incredibly frustrating

morethan
Can you imagine life without him? He's stonewalling you. I'd walk away, not because of the lack of sex, but he's really refusing to engage.

I don't know how you live like this.
Sex once every 2 months at 30+!

He sounds like a man-child.
I can't see him changing any time soon.
I really hope your talk goes well but I think in the next couple of months you are going to have some tough decisions to make.
Good luck.