'D' H and his mini mid life crisis

[Justnotimaginitive]

'D' H seems to have mini midlife crisis every 6 months to a yr, he says be doesn't want to live like this for the rest of his life.
This basically means 'life' what we all do every day, working etc all the mundane stuff. He wants to live and do exciting things, climb mountains, safari, travel that sort of thing.

I am trying to be supportive and encouraging but I'm not sure how much more I can take tbh. Yesterday I did the race for life and jogged most of it when I don't do exercise ever . This morning I said how much I ache only to
Be met with 'it was only 5k' no support no 'you did brilliant well done '.

I just don't know what to do anymore i am seriously considering wether this is working for us, I don't think he wants to be here, I always feel like he is looking for something more (previous issues with internet miss use )

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has this and if so how do you cope with it and not give up.

Oooh I apologise for my swearing on that post! Didn't realise. My Ex did this me to me. He was abusive, so things like this get my goat.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

You guys have a well established pattern and its good that you're beginning to see it doesn't work.

This time, change the tune. I wouldn't even bother reseaerching courses for him - he's clearly able to use the Internet!!

What I would do is only half-listen to his whinging - make yourself busy, find something urgent that needs to be doing (doesn't sound like you have much time anyway), and if you need to respond, say "Do it then". If he whinges "BUT HOWWWWWW???!!" (like a big child) just say "You're a grown man, I'm not your mother, you figure it out".

Basically REFUSE to get sucked in to debating how he would achieve dreams he's NEVER gonna follow. Its a futile energy drain and just turns you into "the boring rational one".

You know what else is a futile energy drain? Pointing out endlessly the good aspects to your lives and the responsibilities every family faces. He knows all that already! The conversation only serves to paint you in the boring camp, and him in the cool camp. Then he can sulk and sulk and sulk whilst Mummy sighs.

So retreat. Put the responsibility back on him. And the next time he says something in a contemptuous tone? Call him on it. "Well I'm proud of myself, even if you're clearly not"

OP you sound like my sister about 2 yrs ago. Her H moaned constantly, and he did go out and do 'wild' things (tried to sail across the Atlantic 3 times) and then he met the OW. Triggered by his mother's death and recognising his mortality! No recognition of all the love and hard work my DSis had made to home/family life. Try the website The Herosspouse - it has a lot of help on Midlife crisis - it's a real thing. There may be nothing you can do to stop it, but it will help YOU. Good luck.

People like this really are the barrel scrapings, unfortunately.

Normal people have their ups and downs and yes, find life boring sometimes... but most people are mature and well-adjusted enough to realise that they have blessings to count, and if they find themselves in a real rut - well, let's do something new, a challenge - let's take charge! Just like you - while getting on with the mundane stuff, you are also making sure you grasp the nettle and do new things - running, weight loss. And guess what - it makes you feel good!

And then... you have the people like your H. The ones that no matter how lucky they are, how much they have, or how many opportunities they have to get up off their arses and CHANGE things if they are that unhappy - they do nothing. Nothing but sit there with their sulky, dissatisfied little faces pushed into yours, whining as loudly as they can, expecting YOU to do something to distract them from the miserable, miserable business of being a complete vaccuum of hope or happiness. The people who can't pull themsevles up... so they pull those closest to them down instead.

I'd find it very hard being married to one of these... but do you know what, if I was, and the loser had the audacity to be such a complete wanker and expect me to swallow his infidelity too - he'd be out of the door so fast his sulky little feet wouldn't touch the floor.

Honestly, my response to "I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life" would be "no, neither do I - see ya!"

For god sake, so nothing is good enough for him, including yourself when he's going behind your back looking to cheat - get rid OP, he's a drain on you, not the other way around, bloody cheek.

Well done on both your achievements btw.

And if you feel he is constantly looking for more or something else it's because he is, don't let this man strip you of your self respect, you know you deserve better than him, leg half in and out, just don't bother.

Thank you for all your input everything you all say resonates with me.

We really need to have a frank discussion and he needs to change drastically if we are ever going to work or have a chance at working out .

I always feel like I am waiting for the next episode of my life isn't good enough.

It all sounds so terrible put down in writing but it's not that bad ifkwim I am happy mostly on a day to day basis and carry on regardless of his mood, the thing is I see the good in our lives, the fact we have 3 beautiful children and a house and food on the table. It's a lot more then some people have and he should be grateful for that.
Also he should and doesn't appreciate what I do which is everything including finances, present buying, organising days out, food shopping, meal planning and cooking, I may as willbe on my own really.

Again thank you you've all given me
Loads to think about

While you're in earshot he can blame you for feeling stuck in a rut and miserable. He's unhappy with himself, which spills over into the relationship.

Does he need a new career goal? What about taking up a fitness programme or sport to get his energy back. No, that's addressing the problem, far easier to moan at you.

His SIL is in remission, if that hasn't made him realise how lucky he is - he has his health, a DW who has stood by and listened to him grumble and keeps picking him up, three wonderful kids - what makes him think he's so special the rest of the planet has to work round him?

on completing Race for Life 5K btw.

Be on your own then, he's bringing naff all to the table apart from giving you anxiety.

Donkey, I think you are right and it is far easier to blame me or our 'life' as it is.
I've just thought I've also given up smoking in Jan 2013 so have quit for over a yr now, lost weight and run the race for life do feel I have achieved something in that time.
Last yr he said he was going to tough mudder, started running for a while and then got a cold so stopped hasn't done anything since then.
He does have hobby btw that takes up a lot of time but hasn't been able to spend so much time doing it this yr so is currently saying he is going to stop and sell it the hobby things, I don't believe him he say that every time too and it never happens.

Jan I am very very tempted to send him to his dads for a few days to have some time apart, the only thing stopping me is I have to work in he evenings and I need him to have the kids whilst I do. It is not good that that's the only reason and that's telling me something

There's your answer OP, and nobody has mid life crisis every 6 months to a year, that's just his character.

You know, maybe he would find a purpose if he actually engaged in the family life to which he has committed himself.

Why can't he look after his own children while you go out to work? Pack him off to his Dads and either get him looking after kids or find a babysitter.

I work in the evenings, I do cleaning it's very hard work as work 4 hr every night and he treats me like I don't work as I'm at home in the day time

So to an extent your evening job depends on DH being willing to do the evening childcare after he has been at work all day. What does he do, handle bed/bath/storytime for the younger ones and cook dinner?

He somehow thinks your work doesn't count because why, it's after a 9-5 arrangement? Not what he considers high status? If you gave up the job which gives you a life outside the home and eases financial pressure, would his life magically become less 'mundane'?

He feels hard done by. Money is so often the only thing that causes arguments or ill feeling, I wonder if behind all this charade about how he'd rather be off living a rich full adventurous life is him feeling dissatisfied with his own career. Plus panicked about you carving yourself some financial independence and refreshing your appearance whereas he is rooted to the spot.

"I may as well be on my own really"

he needs to know and to believe that you really mean this

So far, you have given him the odd pep talk about how great his life really is, brushed his cheating under the carpet, offered yourself up as some sort of proverbial stress ball for him to have a go at, pussy footed about his fragile ego etc etc

But amongst all this doormat behaviour from you, he senses you will never leave

You have to be prepared to leave, or you will still be here 5, 10, 20 years from now

He will have damaged your self esteem even further, shagged a few young birds to make himself think he still has it, and you will still be thinking a relationship like this is better than no relationship at all

Does any of that resonate with you ?

You sound lovely and very hard-working. He sounds utterly daft.

Just stop giving him airtime and just give very bland responses to anything he says.

"I want to climb a mountain"
"Lovely dear, there are mountains in Wales"

"I want to be heroic"
"Lovely dear, the TA is recruiting"

Do this while having a serious think about your future.

If you are on a low income your two year old may be eligible for a free nursery place?

I agree that it sounds like he cares more about fostering resentment and brooding over how you and the children restrict his life than putting in any effort to make change.

He sounds childlike in his perception of things: 'I can't do all the amazing things I want so I won't do anything at all.' Or maybe he just finds complaining easier. Either way, it would fuck me right off to be regarded as the thing holding someone back in someone's 'Oh what could have been' fantasyland.

He obviously has no get up and go, he couldn't even be bothered to find a real life person to cheat with but had to make do with cybersex. Perhaps he could virtually climb a mountain while on his computer.

As others have said, I wouldn't play the game any more. It is not up to you to convince him your life together is worth living, it is up to him to keep you happy and content enough to want to continue. You can give him all the freedom in the world, encourage his hobbies, but he's not taking these chances. When he moans, politely and rationally disagree. Don't engage too much. Point out to him that you are happy for him to climb a mountain and give him a lift to the local climbing centre, just to let you know the time. If he continues to moan and blame you, consider whether you want to live like this for ever.

I find people who talk endlessly about doing exciting stuff rarely do and the others plan and just get on with it.

There is no reason these ideas couldn't be a holiday etc - The mundane day to day stuff often pays for the exciting bits.

Tell him to stop wingeing and get on with it. He's holding himself back not you.

Good for you OP - you've achieved some pretty tough things over the past year or so. Don't let this misery guts destroy your self esteem. You sound awesome.

Ok so I did a long reply and it didn't post how frustrating

Anyfucker - what you say is what Im afraid of tbh I envisage myself 10 yrs from how finding out about affairs and encounters with other women. Or just going through the same thing over and over.
It's already affected my self esteem quite a but I would say as the things I've done over the last yr when I look at them are big things but I don't see them as achievements as I get no recognition for them from him, even a well done would be something.

Can't remember who said it but thank you for saying I sound awesome it's nice to hear.

Anyway he's currently moping around like a fucking teenager and it's doing my head in, am just ignoring for the moment but I am getting to the end of my tether.

I can't send him to his dads really as he lives quite a few miles away and couldn't be here to watch kid a whilst I work . I can't get a babysitter as it wouldn't be worth me working after paying a baby sitter

OP, please reach out for some help, as there is a system in place to support single working parents.

You may be entitled to tax credits or other forms of support that would enable you to continue working if he left.

Have you got a children's centre nearby? Ask to see someone and talk about childcare - it may be that you can begin working in the day once your smallest gets a funded place.

You will have to make a change, love, or this will only get worse. Not much of an example for your children is it ?