Saw him of Pof....same old story, what to do?

[oncetwice]

Firstly I've had to re register as i couldn't sign in with my old email for some reason.

I've been seeing a guy from pof for a month. I know it's not long. We've seen a lot of each other, every few days, which i know some will say is a red flag in itself but we are/were both keen and happy with this pace. Dtd. Was amazing and fantastic for us both. He said he hadn't been on there since we met, I said i had, once, a few days after we met and he said 'why?' so i assumed he didn't want to keep looking and we'd see how things progressed, which they have been doing, very nicely. Spent the afternoon/evening with him yesterday, we seemed very close, he was very complimentary towards me, he's not the gushy type so I was thinking he's really beginning to like me, made plans for this week, etc.

So tonight, after lots of texting back and forth with him all evening,I had a quick nose on there without signing in to see if my ex was still on there, and lo and behold new man is on there, for over an hour.

He did say today he hadn't checked his email account for 2 weeks, so possibly he was checking out his 'would like to meet' notifications, which I am itching to do too, but was very happy to delete my profile and see how things went with him.

Obviously I don't know what he was doing on there, could be arranging other dates....I split with my ex of a year a number of months ago, and found out afterwards that a few moths before we split he had been on pof and been on dates, there was me thinking our relationship was fine and he was doing that behind my back.

I realise i sound about 16, but I want to ask him about this. I can't actually believe I've resisted the urge to text him so far, but anyway, what is the best approach? Hold fire and watch? Just be upfront and lay my cards on the table?

I am so gutted really, it seemed I'd found a really good guy, ticked ALL the boxes, and now this. It could be sweet shop syndrome, but I haven't succumbed to it, and there are a lot of 'would like to meet you' s in my inbox......shit. What to do?

Sorry it's rambling.......

I really think you should just split up. You are trying to manipulate and control his responses by being less than honest and he's at the very least bending the truth in his responses. What future do you see for a relationship that is like this at one month? Do you not think feeling you have to stalk him online to check up on him is a sign there's no future whether it's because he is dodgy or because you are paranoid?

It all sounds like a lot of effort to me.

I really think you need to back off and let him take the lead for a while and then you will see how he feels. If you sensed he thought you were over the top then you obviously were.

I'd also suggest you keep looking on pof too, it's only been a month.

None of this sounds quite right to me either. You seem too eager to pin him down and he is picking this up.
It's a bit early to have the exclusivity talk....imo. Best to let things slowly develop and be cool, not even mention the future.
But it's already been done. You will soon know if you're both going to make it I think. He'll either get off POF or back off now.

I was on PoF and when i met my BF i had to google how to remove my profile as they really don’t make it easy for you. So he may be telling the truth in that he doesn’t know how to.

However, if he continues to go on there what are you going to do? You have now started a chain of lies as you have told him yours is hidden so if he you do catch him on there again how are you going to bring it up?
Be honest and tell him you saw him before this conversation and have been keeping an eye on it (not great – feels sneaky)? Tell him you just went on for a browse and happened to see him on there (really not great)?

He may have felt you were pushing for a 5 year plan which is why he felt you were coming on strong rather than a bit of exclusivity. If i were you, i’d see how things are over the next few days and if all fine i would pull up my big girl pants and say ‘ok confession time, my weird conversation the other day was because i’d seen you online on PoF, i was hoping we’d both come off it as i was really happy when you called me your other half that time but i didn’t know how to bring it up without sounding stalkery’.

Its ok to have a wobble but just confront the issue thats bothering you, you’re going to cause yourself a load of angst by keeping tabs and it will affect your relationship.

After about 6 weeks of seeing my DP, a friend messaged me to say she'd gotten an email that he had "rated her" on OkC.
I messaged my DP about it and said that while we hadn't discussed exclusivity, this had hurt me a bit. He apologized immediately for upsetting me and he said that he would delete his profile, and that was that. We saw each other later that week and decided to be exclusive and we've been together ever since.

If he'd been shady about it, I would have assumed he wasn't that bothered and I probably wouldn't have carried on seeing him. Dating profiles aren't that difficult to delete, admittedly it's long winded but it's not that difficult.

But the op was being shady herself! How can she hold him to that standard?! I would completely do what mimi suggested at this stage tbh. This really isn't such a big deal.

He may have been on trying to find the way of hiding his profile and simply eventually said he wasn't on it because he was feeling under pressure from the op's conversation. No-one knows, but things go wrong when people tie themselves all up in knots and try to manipulate conversations.

I don't think it's that unusual to stalk an ex, I don't think it's that unusual to be on POF one month into a relationship. In fact I'd probably be most put off by someone I'd been dating for one month calling me their other half. Especially without even had a "are we actually bf/gf?" chat.

I have been seeing bf nearly a year and struggle not to call him 'guy I've been seeing' as we are just dating really, don't live together, don't share a life and don't spend that much time together. I'm probably at the other end of the spectrum tbh but I think it is important to keep things in proportion.

Here I think the angst is way out of proportion for such a young relationship.

So I'm going to play it cooler, much as it goes against the grain, and I suppose watch to see if he is going on pof regularly. Not much else I can do really?

Oh dear, it's one month in, this doesn't bode well. Please re-read your posts and the advice given. While checking up on your ex (in a hidden way), you catch your DP on POF and then lie to him about your reasons for questioning a one month relationship. It's not good and none of it is healthy for you.

This is dating, unless you agree on exclusivity, this will drive you insane.

I meant shady as in he told her he didn't know how to delete his profile and then said he always left it up during LTR.
If my DP had referred to me as his 'other half' but had then given me excuses as to why he couldn't delete his profile that he used to get in contact with me in the first place, then I'd call that shady!

However, I do think that this is all too much for a month in. I personally think, although it's worked out amazingly well for me, that 6 weeks into my own relationship was a bit hasty but that's just how it happened.

wickedwitch - I agree with you, sometimes time doesn't matter and you just know. This situation has too many doubts this early on though.

handful Oh definitely. Mine was definitely a case of that. Not
But I also think that you can have a gut feeling that something isn't right straight away, which you shouldn't ignore.
This situation is something that would make me take a step back and reassess the situation.

Don't know why that random 'Not' is there

Thought you were being sarcastic with me

OP, get some standards and impose them on any wanna be before you fuck them. If they don't agree, tell them to fuck off. Have some self respect otherwise they will all take you for granted. Just like this one does: sex on a plate and no strings. Blimey - he is living the dream... And you are stressing.

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Tell the fucker what you want and end the stress - one way or another. And no, you are not too demanding, you are not rushing etc. You just have high standards and don't let jerks piss on them. You tell him!

By the way, stress can make you very ill you know? Avoid it ;-).

Oh no handful!!! Not at all. I whole heartedly agree with you

I guessed that after, don't worry

oncetwice - how are you doing?

You're one month in and bending yourself to try to fill what you see his needs to be.

You need to be able to be you. You just don't need to change. He has kept his profile up through all of his long term relationships.

Not really into commitment this one.

I did find the paid for sites had fewer people just out for casual relationships. I met DH through Match (we got engaged after three months and married within nine, having sold both our houses and purchased one together).

I agree that you should just be honest. Say you saw him on there. I've deleted my profile and guy I'm seeing has hidden his. The urge to check was there so I just thought I've got to trust him. If he goes on it he wasn't the man for me.

We had the exclusivity chat after about 4 dates and that sat right with me. I don't want to be sleeping with someone without having had that conversation. I don't think a month in is too early at all for that. I guess in part in might depend on how much you see each other. I know I want a future with the guy I'm seeing. I know if it doesn't work out I can't go straight back on line so that's another reason I've deleted my profile

Be honest with him op. If a relationship is going to work you need that.

I'm with redunantandbitter on this one. One dude at a time. Don't know about you guys, but I keep getting these men from So. friggin' Africa! You know what I find discomfiting is that I feel like I'm back in college stressing out over the will he won't he stuff. Anyone else?

ZOMBIE THREAD

ZOMBIE THREAD

Like everyone else, may as well spit it out and know now rather than down the road when if the answer isn't pleasant, you hurt more and you hurt longer. On the other hand, what a relief if it's some minor misunderstanding

This is a really hard one and I was in a similar boat. Basically before I slept with him (date 7) I told him that I had hidden my POF profile because it was annoying with spam invites etc but also I wasn't intending to date anyone else while I dated him if sex was involved. He said he wasn't interested in dating anyone else and had deleted the app (but I don't think profile)
I think in some ways this leaves this open to interpretation - neither of us have entirely deleted profile and said that's it, exclusive but we both put the cards about how we didn't intend to date others. I now have to trust he won't look if he gets an email and I suppose so does he have to trust me. I can only take him on his word. And i don't know hkm well enough to trust yet so it's about risk

I think all you can do is lay the cards out - it's not about marriage and kids it's just about honesty. I want to know if I am sharing man parts with someone else and hope they respect me enough to let me make the choice