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Original poster

Saw him of Pof....same old story, what to do?

71 replies

oncetwice · 21/07/2014 05:33

Firstly I've had to re register as i couldn't sign in with my old email for some reason.

I've been seeing a guy from pof for a month. I know it's not long. We've seen a lot of each other, every few days, which i know some will say is a red flag in itself but we are/were both keen and happy with this pace. Dtd. Was amazing and fantastic for us both. He said he hadn't been on there since we met, I said i had, once, a few days after we met and he said 'why?' so i assumed he didn't want to keep looking and we'd see how things progressed, which they have been doing, very nicely. Spent the afternoon/evening with him yesterday, we seemed very close, he was very complimentary towards me, he's not the gushy type so I was thinking he's really beginning to like me, made plans for this week, etc.

So tonight, after lots of texting back and forth with him all evening,I had a quick nose on there without signing in to see if my ex was still on there, and lo and behold new man is on there, for over an hour.

He did say today he hadn't checked his email account for 2 weeks, so possibly he was checking out his 'would like to meet' notifications, which I am itching to do too, but was very happy to delete my profile and see how things went with him.

Obviously I don't know what he was doing on there, could be arranging other dates....I split with my ex of a year a number of months ago, and found out afterwards that a few moths before we split he had been on pof and been on dates, there was me thinking our relationship was fine and he was doing that behind my back.

I realise i sound about 16, but I want to ask him about this. I can't actually believe I've resisted the urge to text him so far, but anyway, what is the best approach? Hold fire and watch? Just be upfront and lay my cards on the table?

I am so gutted really, it seemed I'd found a really good guy, ticked ALL the boxes, and now this. It could be sweet shop syndrome, but I haven't succumbed to it, and there are a lot of 'would like to meet you' s in my inbox......shit. What to do?

Sorry it's rambling.......

OP posts:
Offred · 21/07/2014 16:28

So you want to tell him lies about what you were doing now in order to get the truth?

He may have been looking, he may not. You went back on before you were searching for the ex and you are in v early stages of a relationship and haven't had a discussion about exclusivity. I suggest you don't get all carried away about 'men using women as commodities' and instead just tell him what you want from the relationship. Presumably he knows you met on POF and can therefore see when he has been on so he must think it is ok. If he is doing something you aren't ok with you just need to talk to him about it and at the end decide whether you trust him or not. It really is not as big a deal as you are making it IMO.

I'm on POF btw and it is mainly for socialising as I'm an isolated SP. I'm not meeting anyone for 'no strings fun' but I am going to meet someone on weds to see if I can make a new friend. Advantage of living in a relatively small town because you can usually meet interesting people who you already have some connection with and therefore can be more sure of their intentions and more easily assert yours.

People use POF for lots of different reasons. Some for casual sex, some for relationships, others for friendship. You have to trust your partner and if you don't what's the point?

LittleLadyFooFoo · 21/07/2014 16:51

I agree with offered. Before he met me, my partner set up a profile on pof to meet people as he had recently been bereaved. That's where we met. Don't always assume the worst. Talk to him and be honest with him. Let us know how it goes.

LittleLadyFooFoo · 21/07/2014 16:52

Offred not 'offered'

Original poster
oncetwice · 21/07/2014 17:07

Do you both mean tell him I was on there to have a nose at the ex? I don't think that will go down very well?

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 21/07/2014 17:08

The thing is... If he was on there chatting to other women and trying to get other dates or whatever, he's not going to say he was is he?
He will jut say he had gone on to delete his profile and it took him ages to find out how to do it... Or he was just reading his mails.

LittleLadyFooFoo · 21/07/2014 17:15

I think saying you were looking at your ex's profile is ok. It's curiosity. I would do it out of interest. I think I'd prefer that to thinking you were chatting to other guys.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 21/07/2014 17:19

You're looking up your ex and it sounds like he's looking at other women. Are you sure that either of you want a relationship?

Offred · 21/07/2014 17:28

If you expect him to be behaving well towards you and also to be telling you the truth about what he was doing then I think you can't tell him lies whilst expecting him to be honest. I would therefore, either be completely upfront about what you were doing and how you saw he was online or I would not tell him anything at all about seeing him and instead just have a chat about being exclusive and moving the relationship forward, which is the main issue and is what you want. One is more honest than the other but I think it is hypocritical to be hurt by him being on there when you only know because you were on there too.

Offred · 21/07/2014 17:30

If he's been on there looking and chatting to other women and arranging dates then I could see why you might be upset given you felt he was moving the relationship with you forward but you don't know why he was on there, you only know that he was.

Original poster
oncetwice · 21/07/2014 18:01

Well I know i want a relationship with him, I have my doubts about whether he does now but as Foo has pointed it out might be innocent, I could be jumping to conclusions because of crap things that have happened in the past, I hope that's the case.

Thanks for clarifying my thoughts Offred. I would be worried to admit I'd been nosing at the ex, he might think I want ex back which I definitely don't, it is just nosiness. I thought everyone did it?

Ok, I might say I was on there because I was showing a friend his picture and I noticed him. I don't want to risk wrecking things because I was being nosey about ex. It would be like ex had a part in it if we broke up over this and I came clean?

I do get your point though, I know I should be totally honest, and I know he might not be honest anyway...ahhhhhh!!!

OP posts:
Offred · 21/07/2014 18:39

If it is normal and innocent for you why leap to the conclusion that what he is doing is not normal or innocent? It may not be, but you can't assume and I think allowing previous relationship experiences to colour your opinion of a totally different man maybe means you aren't quite ready for a serious relationship? If your ex was messing around on POF it is clearly a triggering thing for you but it should colour your opinion of your ex not necessarily this new man, not yet anyway when he hasn't been given an opportunity to explain IMO. Lots of things he could be doing including snooping on an ex or setting up other dates. Reserve judgement until after talking about it and if you can't maybe reconsider your ability to be in a relationship just now would be my advice.

Offred · 21/07/2014 18:40

What we want isn't always what's best for us after all

BitOutOfPractice · 21/07/2014 18:51

Don't "assume" anything. Talk to him.

Original poster
oncetwice · 21/07/2014 19:08

Thanks again for your wise words Offred, and everyone else. I've been giving it a lot of thought since I last posted and it's daft to tie myself up in knots with lies I realise that. Yes he might see it as normal or innocent, just being a bit nosey, lets hope so. i do think it's best to be totally honest and hopefully he will be too. Still not sure how to start the conversataion though, and he will be here in a bit. I don't want to wreck things by the way I ask him. I am useless at this sort of thing.

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 21/07/2014 19:37

BOOP is right, don't assume anything.

It's probably time to have a chat with him about how you move forward with what you do with your online profiles as it's 3 months down the line.

I'm dating someone I met online and we have been totally upfront with the fact that we're still online and that we'll tell each other if we date anyone else but it is early days for us. I think you need honesty in these situations and know where the boundaries are.

I too am more concerned about you checking up on your ex. I'd never do that, even though we were together 11 years, I'm concentrating on my life now and don't give a toss what he's up to. I don't think it's fair on the person you're dating either.

Your DP may have been on there checking up on his ex, how would that make you feel? Or, he may have been on there seeing if you're on there. Either way, some boundaries and expectations need to be set or this won't last.

Good luck with the talk. I'm sure it will clear the air and stop any doubts for either of you.

Original poster
oncetwice · 21/07/2014 23:16

I bottled it. I just couldn't find the words. I'm so annoyed with myself.I just couldn't think how to approach the subject, let alone sustain a conversation.It seemed so accusatory, and like it was none of my business. God, i need to get some backbone. Very disappointed in myself, and now another day of worrying about it.

OP posts:
LittleLadyFooFoo · 21/07/2014 23:23

I did the same...pondered but sent him a text in the end then discussed it face to face. It was relief to be out. Don't leave it too long or it will lead to further problems with trust.

Original poster
oncetwice · 21/07/2014 23:28

Thanks Foo, I know you are right. Meeting tomorrow somewhere neutral so maybe it will be easier. I'd love to send a text, I'd find it so much easier, but not sure it would work in this case. I'm going away at the end of the week so really need to get it off my chest before then.

OP posts:
BeforeAndAfter · 21/07/2014 23:35

Why don't you just have the exclusive chat (assuming you've not had it yet) and say that as you really enjoy his company and want to carry on seeing him so you'd like to agree that you're exclusive and agree that neither of you are dating/chatting to others and that you both take down all dating profiles? That then draws a legitimate line in the sand and it seems reasonable after a month.

Original poster
oncetwice · 21/07/2014 23:42

Yes I was trying to think of a way to say that tonight, as it seems more positive than going on about seeing him on pof yesterday, and possibly leading to an argument. He seems keen and always wants to see me, but he's made a few comments about me wearing my heart on my sleeve and being keen, although I think he is too! So I feel a bit like I'm pushing things too quickly by saying that, but I'm going to have to aren't I? That is a positive way to discuss it, you're right.

OP posts:
BeforeAndAfter · 21/07/2014 23:52

Don't even mention that you've seen him on POF - if you've not had the exclusive chat you can't blame him for checking e-mails after just a month. This way the boundaries are set very clearly (and you must be clear, don't assume that if you say let's take down our POF profiles that it will occur to him to take down any others he has) and then if he doesn't take his profile down you have every right to hit him round the head with the fact.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/07/2014 08:50

Op you need to calm right down!

You've been seeing him a month? Crikey he's perfectly within his rights to still be checking in!

You are going to look 7 shades of crazy if you confront him about it!

handfulofcottonbuds · 22/07/2014 10:22

Oops, I missed the one month bit, not sure where I got 3 months from.

I definitely think it's acceptable for him to still be online if you haven't had the exclusive chat.

....and stop looking up your ex! I mean that in a nice way, it's not healthy for you.

jaynebxl · 23/07/2014 07:01

Did you have the conversation yet OP?

Original poster
oncetwice · 23/07/2014 14:06

Hi, yes had a chat last night. I took all your advice and didn't say I'd seen him on pof. I said I really liked his company, we got on well and had fun, and he seemed a bit taken aback and said good! Nothing reciprocal, maybe he's not good with words, maybe I'm grasping at straws!

Then I said something about how do you see us, are we gf and bf and he said I referred to you as my other half the other day, which he did. I said how do you feel about us taking down our profiles on pof, he said he didn't know how to do it. (lame excuse) He had left it up during his previous couple of long ish term relationships apparently. I told him I had hidden mine and didn't want to talk or meet anyone else. He said he wasn't chatting to anyone or meeting anyone else, then said he wasn't on there. (hmm).

He said things are fine as they are and just carry on as we are, I get the impression he thinks I am too keen, but I have been encouraged by his keenness, texts, always wanting to see me and spend time with me, so it goes both ways really.

So I'm going to play it cooler, much as it goes against the grain, and I suppose watch to see if he is going on pof regularly. Not much else I can do really?

OP posts:
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