Hi, some of you may remember my post last year: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1782820-My-DH-has-had-an-emotional-affair (it was a physical affair it turned out btw).
It's over a year on from discovery, and I just wanted to post an update, about how I'm feeling about things really. Maybe those of you who have experienced similar can relate your experiences & if you felt the way I do.
It probably doesn't help that I'm tapering off antidepressant medication currently. That's probably affecting my thoughts on things.
On the plus side, H has been a lot more attentive, and has taken on board a lot of things that I was unhappy with, in our relationship, prior to discovery. (and I likewise).
On the downside, I still can't trust him (which I suppose is to be expected). I realise that some marriages can recover from affairs, and I suppose I felt that really, I had to try at it, so that if we end up going our separate ways, at least I'll know I tried my hardest.
I'm now paranoid that he's got an eye on our neighbour, who lives directly opposite us. He seems overly keen to say hello & have her attention (more so than any other neighbour). If I happen to speak to her about anything, he suddenly appears by my side, as though he's desperate to get in on the conversation. Whenever we're outside, I have noticed that his eyes keep flickering over to her house. The other day, I got out of the shower, to find him sitting in the spare room (at the front of the house, where he can see her house) and as I came out of the bathroom door, I saw him quickly pull the curtain back into place (as if he had been looking out of the window & stopped suddenly when I appeared). He claimed he was in there feeding the fish. I keep catching him in there though, apparently gazing at the fish.
I'm also aware that when he was in the midst of his affair, he was talking people that are our friends & basically painting my name black & saying how unhappy he was with me (this was despite telling me he loved me & was having lots of weekends away with me etc etc).
I spoke to a (male) friend of mine just this week for the first time in ages, and when I described what had happened with H, he replied with - "Well, you know Bullinthesea, you were going through depression, and if things weren't right, then��not wanting to make excuses for your H or anything". It felt like he already knew, and had heard H's 'version' (he hasn't told any of his friends the actual truth, too busy trying to look like the good guy). It feels like even my friend blames me for H's affair.
What really bugs me, is that at the time of the affair, I sensed that something wasn't right, and in response, I was reading books about how to make marriage work, and looking up tips on the Internet for how to improve things. I was looking into different counselling services available as I thought it would help us to improve our relationship. I was trying.
I was also doing all the cooking (trying to make his favourite meals)/cleaning (he has OCD & I wanted him to be happy in his environment)/ironing/ childcare/all his errands to help him out & save him time. He really didn't appreciate any of it and constantly found fault with everything (yes, I know, the script). I realise now that I was probably being a bit of a doormat, and have since got a job, refuse to do any of his ironing and insist that he does his share of the housework!
I guess to sum it all up, I'm still not over it, but not hurting as much as before. The experience has left me feeling insecure - I wasn't before, I even used to be fine about him going out for the evening with a group of girls that he's known for years without me (I stayed home with our son) but not anymore. I feel uneasy whenever he's out/at work.
I don't know if I'll ever feel at peace with my situation, I'm trying to put it behind me, but there are so many reminders everywhere.
He has applied for lots of jobs, but only had one interview which was unsuccessful, which means he still works for the same school as OW, teaching her child(ren).
I chatted to a female friend about this whilst abroad. She told me that her & her husband both thought my H is a player. (her H used to work with my H, I also wonder how much her H knew).
So, I just wanted to talk really, don't want to bore my friends rigid, by keep bringing it up, but I do feel the need to talk and hear others experiences - positive or negative.