House Purchase - parents trying to get involved, why?!

[CatteLady]

I'm currently buying a house with my husband. Having sold my flat (I was lucky enough to buy 12 years ago after I inherited some money, so we have a good deposit), our offer on another house in a cheaper part of the country has been accepted, much joy (our employment situation is sorted at the new location) as we're sick of spending so much on mortgage repayments.

However, this is slightly marred by my parents, who keep suggesting that they should have a look round to 'check for any problems'. We are appointing a surveyor, my husband grew up in the area, I've spent time there, and know and like it.

I'm pregnant, and we need a bigger place. I think my being pregnant is at the root of this - we'll be near my husbands parents who we both get on well with. I think they worry that they'll be sidelined due to distance. However, it might be something else altogether!

I'd like to have a relationship with them, as we do get on sometimes and I don't think there's any real malice.

To avoid drip feeding I have a history of severe depression. Last time I bought a flat I did ask them to have a look round to ensure it was actually nice, and not a sordid grief hole to drink and be unhappy in. Things have improved greatly since then.

They also have a mild professional interest in that they let out some houses, but these are modern ones, not period ones.

We have agreed that we will register the house to reflect our differing contributions, but assume it's all up for grabs if we divorce anyway.

I'm also slightly put out by my parents' attitude to my getting pregnant - my dad told my mum that he thought it was too soon (I'm 35) and that we should wait until we'd sorted a bigger home. I have literally no idea why mum felt the need to repeat this to me.

I just feel very undermined by them insisting on taking part in something my husband and I should be doing together. Is it normal for parents to get involved? Am I being an over sensitive weirdo?

Not it's not normal. Just say no thanks you don't need them to look around.

You might also tell them that your gonna need their support regarding your pregnancy, not criticism. It's not normal for a man not to be happy about his 35 year old married daughter being pregnant, sorry.

they sound very interfering. With a new husband, house and baby, I'd look on this as a new beginning and try to limit their influence in your life.

They've suggested this 4 times. I've said thank you, but no every time.

Yup - I'd hoped being married might make it easier to set limits. Sadly not.

I queried Dad's comments, apparently he thought it was too soon, but after a while he was happy. Which I was thrilled about obvs.

When depressed I had a lecture from my sister about now worrying it was for mum and dad and that I should pull myself together. Same when I had a kidney infection - criticism for my flat being a fucking tip. I was too tired to care, tbh. Their excuse was that 'she's abrupt because of her job'. I tried pointing out there was a line between abruptness and rudeness and that she was over that.

I could be getting paranoid but at times I feel as though they use my mental health issues to make me question my own judgment.

I'd love to sort it out, but the truly galling thing is that they complained about my Dad's mum being interfering.

I'd be quite happy to have my parents look round a house I was buying (and I'm 42). They've bought a lot more houses than me and DH and I are basically hopeless.

BUT - you don't want them to, you've said so, and that should be the end of it. You're 3-bloody-5 for god's sake, it's not up to them.

How were they about your wedding? They seem to have the makings of parents-of-the-bride-zillas (if that's the term).

Ok,ish.

We'd said we wanted a small wedding, no random family members we couldn't identify without prompting, and no sit down meal as I find them awkward. They insisted in inviting family members, as they'd paid for so,e of the wedding. It was easier just to let them, but I was fucking livid when having told our friends that we'd prefer a child free wedding, they told my cousin it was ok to bring a 9 month old baby (I may have been a dick about the child free policy, but it should have applied consistently, and they should not have answered for us). Because of them inviting mystery family, I had to move the ceremony to a different room which cost us money. Lovely. Considering we didn't want them there. We are not a close extended family.

Mum kept trying to buy things we didn't want, like matching button hole flowers for Dad, my husband and all immediate family men. I said no, she bought them anyway. They got cross about us not having a full open bar, in case it 'reflected badly on the family', who I hadn't wanted to invite, as due to being fucking skint we could afford £1000 only, which we thought was ok between 50-60 people - most of whom we're friend who know we're not exactly well off. My parents are well off, so paid for an open bar. I'd warned them that this would be expensive due to my pisshead mates. It was :-)

Ha ha - that is so not 'OK,ish', that is atrocious.

Child-free wedding - you don't have to apologise for that (even on MN!). That was your choice and they blew right past it. Same with virtually every aspect of the wedding they had an opinion on by the sound of it.

Definitely do not let them visit the house before you buy it - it'll be bad enough after you have.

Yeah, my husband was fucking livid. We exerted alcoholic revenge by rinsing the free bar and encouraging our friends to do likewise. We wanted a small ceremony in a register office, followed by the pub and a bit of a buffet, a few low,key speeches. Instead I got flapped at about who was MCing it, I'm not sure what that even means a outside of rap and criticised for having a 'weird' photographer (I couldn't face the cringe of family wedding poses, luckily it was pissimg it down so we would have escaped that anyway!), who everyone else loved.

I think they're good people, I just don't welcome intervention where I've asked people to back off, and where it involves a third person (husband). I want to get things on a normal footing before the baby comes. I'll be fucking knackered and more likely to snap.

We communicate mainly via text, I've just sent one saying thanks, I've already said no, we're happy with the house, and trust the surveyor who is professionally qualified to this to ascertain whether there are any faults. I feel undermined by you insisting on a viewing, and by the implication that I am less competent than the average 35 year on their 4th property, and would like you to respect mine and my husbands choices. Have a lovely holiday, catch up when you get back!

Nothing back yet...

The wedding fiasco says it all Hopefully a bit more of a distance will improve things

We both hope so too. She even tries to get involved with my cats :-(

Just had text back saying 'Ok'. Hmm.

I hope you haven't told them the address yet, they might go round there and butt in regardless!

Wondering whether your depression will improve once you move nearer to the supporting in-laws than the pushy parents...

They are massively over involved and need to back off and treat you and your husband with respect, as they would other adults. It's not you, it's them.

They wanted a key to our current place, I (politely) told them to ram it. They know where it is, sadly.

I just don't get it - if they want to be 'involved grandparents' (their phrase, meaning a visit every 2 weeks) they're going the wrong way about it.

Depression is easing a bit, thank you. I'm doing far better off anti depressants than I thought I would.

Supportive in-laws, that should read, obviously.

Pleased to hear it, hope the move and most especially the pregnancy all go smoothly :)

My dh's parents have just been here for 3 days and massively overstepped the mark (imo) in terms of what they have done in the house and comments they make to dh and I. We are in our 50s! Some parents can never stop treating their children like children. I find it infuriating.

Your parents see you as a vulnerable person who needs help. A history of severe depression means they perceive you as 'weak'. The way to tackle it therefore is with strength and assertion. You'll have to be persistent and consistent because they will always see you as someone who struggles.

I think you're right, and I think that's at the root of my resentment of the situation. This is the happiest I've been in years, possibly ever and I feel as though they're trying to draw me back in.

However, they probably see me as ungrateful and remote.

If you're happy, confident and fully able to tackle life red in tooth and claw than that's what you tell them.... and keep telling them. 'Thanks for the offer of help but I don't currently need it'. You can't stop them from worrying about you if they've had genuine reasons to worry in the past, but it's not ungrateful or remote to turn down offers of help.

My mil would be like this if we let her (minus the paying for stuff). She was a sahm and her whole identity is tied up with being a mum but as her kids are 32 and 27 this means she has nothing to do with her time.

You have my sympathies, my mum can be like your parents. She too doesn't live close by so isn't involved in the day to day way I lead my life. It really became an issue after DS was born, she wanted input on what formula I was feeding him, how I was going to wean him, various activities which I took him to - wanting to know WHY I had made those choices. When I explained that I was working with the HV I could almost sense an eye roll on the end of the phone, we had repeated conversations which she would approach a from a different angle but ultimately it would go back to the same subjects. In the end I started to pull her up on it - "we've discussed this x amount of times and I am going to carry on the way I am". I think a lot of it is her being unable to accept I am an adult capable of making my own decisions and being responsible for myself. She did eventually calm down.

My mantra is "advice/help I something that I ask for". I said this to my best friend recently and she was so much in agreement with me about it. Good luck in gaining independence.

We're in the middle of buying a house (our second). My parents have been a nightmare.....and last week they said something which made me realise they'd gone to look round it. Sigh.
You have my sympathies.

but at times I feel as though they use my mental health issues to make me question my own judgment

This stood out to me in your OP, CatteLady

On the whole, I agree with pps who say your parents may be having difficulty in understanding that you are an adult, that you can think for yourself. They fail to acknowledge that you have evolved...which may not be about you, but what it would mean for them (getting old).

But in your circumstances, it is more insidious if they are using your history of mental illness as a foundation to presume you do not have, (in want of a better term) a functioning brain. (I know you have a functioning brain.) As that would give them more justification to hover over you.

It would be even worse if they were using you as a sort of doormat with whom they can regularly turn to as some sort of target for emotional abuse. From you wedding details, it seems they treat/ed you as if you were invisible. Whether or not they do this purposefully to get at you, or just have no awareness of their effect on you, it is still a mentally unhealthy dynamic for you, as you probably already know.

The physical distance will be good, imho. It may be necessary to consider establishing emotional distance as well.

on your recovery and good times.

That's a good, direct text.

If you're able to send texts like that - and many can't, too much in the FOG of guilt and trained to feel obligation - then there is hope.

'Look, if you don't start backing off and realising once and for all that me and DH are a separate adult family who do not appreciate your interference, then you having a close grandparenting relationship with our child is simply not going to be possible.'

in the meantime:

• don't talk to them about anything. Ever. Tell them stuff only after the event. For example, here's how the house conversations could have gone:

• 'Good news, Mum and Dad, we've completed on a lovely house, will hopefully be moving on xxx'

-'What?! Why on earth didn't you tell us you were looking at houses? How long has this been planned for... Etc.'

-'Oh sorry, but no. You would have simply interfered and made the process more difficult. We're simply not up for that.'

End Of Conversation.

• don't tell them your due date, if you have, adjust it slightly later.
• don't let them know any plans
• don't let them know when you are in labour
• be utterly frank that if they turn up unexpectedly or at the hospital, you will go apeshit and they will be asked to leave... and not come back for a long while.

Thanks everyone! At least I know it's not me being strange somehow. I like the idea of the mantra.

Horse, I hope your parents back off too.k

I don't think I want either set of families turning up at the hospital, I'd just find it annoying if I was knackered or in pain. Sadly they know where the house is, I was trying to make them feel involved. They want to buy us a pram and cot, but I don't thunk that's a good idea.

She was a sahm and her whole identity is tied up with being a mum but as her kids are 32 and 27 this means she has nothing to do with her time.

This is so going to be me.

Op you need to stand your ground now. It will be ten times worse when you've had the baby. You will be hormonal, they will be desperate to interfere and you'll all end up falling out.

Some excellent advice here - I was part expecting to be told I was weird and secretive.

I know, or I can see myself getting shitfaced on one glass of wine and accusing her of wrecking our wedding.

She had a good job before I was born, but gave up to be SAHM. I am never doing this. Ever. They also moved across the country for Dad's work so she didn't really have much in the way of friends (it seems easier to stsy in touch these days, and i'm pretty sociable)I think she was depressed. I don't remember her being happy when we were younger. Their parental relationships were different - both boarding school people.

I'd love a normal relationship with them - is it fairly standard for grandparent relationships to be free from conflict? Or is the twitchy fury I'm experiencing at the mere thought of it unusual?