House Purchase - parents trying to get involved, why?!

[CatteLady]

I'm currently buying a house with my husband. Having sold my flat (I was lucky enough to buy 12 years ago after I inherited some money, so we have a good deposit), our offer on another house in a cheaper part of the country has been accepted, much joy (our employment situation is sorted at the new location) as we're sick of spending so much on mortgage repayments.

However, this is slightly marred by my parents, who keep suggesting that they should have a look round to 'check for any problems'. We are appointing a surveyor, my husband grew up in the area, I've spent time there, and know and like it.

I'm pregnant, and we need a bigger place. I think my being pregnant is at the root of this - we'll be near my husbands parents who we both get on well with. I think they worry that they'll be sidelined due to distance. However, it might be something else altogether!

I'd like to have a relationship with them, as we do get on sometimes and I don't think there's any real malice.

To avoid drip feeding I have a history of severe depression. Last time I bought a flat I did ask them to have a look round to ensure it was actually nice, and not a sordid grief hole to drink and be unhappy in. Things have improved greatly since then.

They also have a mild professional interest in that they let out some houses, but these are modern ones, not period ones.

We have agreed that we will register the house to reflect our differing contributions, but assume it's all up for grabs if we divorce anyway.

I'm also slightly put out by my parents' attitude to my getting pregnant - my dad told my mum that he thought it was too soon (I'm 35) and that we should wait until we'd sorted a bigger home. I have literally no idea why mum felt the need to repeat this to me.

I just feel very undermined by them insisting on taking part in something my husband and I should be doing together. Is it normal for parents to get involved? Am I being an over sensitive weirdo?

Do they like your husband? Were you single for a while, before him? Maybe they felt you were more available to them before marriage. It could be why your pregnancy is an issue for your dad. Did they help you through your depression & now think you've moved on, without them? Which is fair enough, as you're a grown woman! If anything, it's great that life's improved so much for you. The new house is obviously raking up feelings they may already have had about you getting on in life, without their input.
Also, you said your mother moved to another part of the country & you think she suffered depression. Do you think she might see something of herself in you? They could be worried about the move / baby & how it might effect you depression-wise. But, like I said, you're happier now. They should look at the positives! Maybe they're just worried...

I think there's an element if that, tbh. I'd have thought they'd be happy that I'd moved on, so they could put their feet up.

I split up with a boyfriend of eight years, and was single (but with various boyfriends/fuck buddies. I don't know whether they like him. After the wedding and pregnancy disasters he's not been keen to spend time with them, understandably. We all went out for my birthday and it was awkward, dad kept belittling the waiter and I was cringing, I go to this place regularly.

I'm not sure whether they like him. I've never asked. I suspect there's a bit of snobbery at work, they're v interested in what his parents do. It's got fuck all to do with them!

Sorry I was single for 2.5 years, but busy with MSc stuff, hanging with other single mates etc...

It's interesting what you said about your birthday, it was in a place that you go to regularly. Whose choice was it to go to that restaurant? If it was you choice I get the impression that your dad was belittling the waiter as a way of punishing you for you choosing that restaurant (I could be wrong, it just reminds a little about the way my mum used to behave and punish me if I took control of something).

Just to echo what a previous poster said, try to keep information on a need to know basis, what they don't know they can't interfere with. Be confident about what you are doing and how you are doing it -give them no room to doubt you.

I'm really unsure. They said they liked it! But this was followed by a text about irresponsible drinking accusing me of downing shitloads booze when pregnant. I'd had a gin, eked out sadly over an hour. I didn't respond to any messages for a week after that.

I was also cross that she'd called it 'our grandchild'. No idea why but it annoyed me!

I don't think there is anything wrong with letting them have a peek around your new home! Is it going to hurt you? Harm you?

When my dd grows up and gets her first home I hope she takes me for a viewing and that by me wanting to go along I am not perceived as something negative!

Life is a two way street.

Tbh that would annoy me as well. My mum did something similar when DS was tiny, and I got really pissed off with her about it (I think I told her to phone Social Services ). Remember this is your baby, parent how you want to - you've got to deal with the consequences.

I knew she wouldn't really phone SS, but I wouldn't advise doing if you think there is a chance your parents would.

They both looked round my first and second homes.

I think it's a bit odd that they're insisting on looking round our house now - we're married, and do not want them thinking they have a say in our decisions. It's bad enough that our wedding was hijacked, to be honest.

Well, exactly. I didn't exactly grow up to be a happy adult, that took lengthy chunks of psychotherapy! So I'm not v inclined to take her parenting advice....Will try to avoid actually saying that though.

They are so used to being the Alphas in the family that they can't cope with their relegation in status so they are trying to assert themselves. We had this with my PIL. It got so much worse when we had our DS (when we nearly 40). FIL just couldn't cope with the fact he wasn't 'head' of the family anymore so there was lots of chest beating and disapproval. It was awful and relations have suffered as a consequence.
When we bought this house 3 years ago when we were 42 they nearly combusted they hadn't been allowed to see it first to check it out. It's our 4th property.

Your text was brilliant but I bet they blame your DH for turning their 'nice' girl into a difficult person.

Tobias, you're very possibly right. But neither of us want to be heads of any family either...just t

Bugger!

Just to be left in peace to make decisions that affect us. It's all quite hard - they're uber busy with extended family - widowed uncle with health issues, plus a brother with dementia, and numerous cousins who they've found after spending most of our childhood NC with them over an argument about an inheritance. I can't understand why they'd want to get involved with our house, when we've said no thanks on several occasions.

I don't doubt that they're blaming my husband - firstly for the text, but more generally for the move across the country.

OP, from your posts there is a very long history of them ignoring you, minimising what you say, not taking you seriously, feeling that they know better than you do, being critical of you, undermining you and generally riding absolutely roughshod over any boundaries you are trying to put in place. Other familiy members (the 'flying monkeys') got sent in to criticise you even further when you were unwell, because heaven forbid you should be allowed to have any feelings of your own. My parents are very much the same. I'm not remotely surprised to hear you have suffered from depression for some time. Their behaviour around your wedding was absolutely appalling.

I agree with other posters - stand your ground. Their interfering and taking over has the potential to get 1000 times worse when your baby arrives. It's great that you're recognising their behaviour as unhealthy. Trust your gut feeling - believe me I know how hard it is to trust yourself when you have constantly been given the message that you are wrong about everything, but with practice it gets easier. Be very clear about your boundaries - like you were in that text you sent. This stuff takes time, but practice being direct and engaging with them on your terms.

Huge on feeling better and stronger. I'm just coming out of 2 years of utter hell myself and its just wonderful to be able to find joy in simple things again. One more bit of advice - you have a history of depression, that means you have to work harder than most other people to be happy. You need to take care of yourself - again, maybe more than most people do. Take care of your body and mind and start putting yourself first. You do not need a load of drama and hassle in your life.

It sounds like they have had to help you out a lot in the past as you were not capable yourself. This is the role you let them have. They worry about you still even though you now feel you are sorted. Maybe they are just trying to help.Its not easy for them to just let go when you have relied upon them so much in the past. The question around it being too soon for you to be pregnant, maybe that was meant that it is too soon as you have not been in a relationship with your husband very long or too soon since you last had mental health issues.

I do think it was out of order to fleece them over the open bar thing and to encourage your friends to do so. Despite my parents interfering and spoiling my own wedding I could never have done that out of respect but that's me. Weddings are usually difficult occasions and most families fall out over it. I used to plan them years ago.

catte .... don't try to make them feel involved again. You love them but frankly this stress is exactly the sort of thing you don't need. Even less if you have wobbles on the head-front now and then, and if you're preg.

Gotta think of yourself and your husband now. And actually I think just possibly you should let your husband deal with them directly a bit more than he is now. It wasn't reallly fair on him that his wishes (as well as yours) were overriden about the bar. Of a choice of who to please, he comes -or should come- above them.

Other than that brunoBrooks post sums it up perfectly!

How much money did they put into the wedding OP other than the bar?
The trouble with parents paying for weddings is that you feel obliged to let them have their say. When you pay for it all yourself then it is yours to do with as you wish.