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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex's new girlfriend pregnant and we aren't even divorced yet. struggling to cope

39 replies

yummytummy · 20/07/2014 21:52

So, briefly ex was v physically and emotionally abusive had been together nearly 20 years. Relationship ended in oct last year when he moved out. He hooked up with new woman v quickly. We were about to start mediation but I wasnt comfortable as I think its not recommended where there is abuse.

Today he tells me the news and I just feel numb. I mean surely u sort out one divorce and arrangements for that family before creating another.

Am really worried about implications for my kids as he pays bare minimum atm anyway

I think I have to file for divorce stating the violence and adultery

But how can I cope on an emotional level. Its so hard as he was awful to me but potentially great with her and she will get the best side of him I never had.

Plus I worry about always being alone and never finding anyone esp with two little kids.

Why shd he get chance of happiness aftet all the awful things he did to me and I am stuck as a single parent struggling and alone

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 20/07/2014 22:01

Love, there isn't a best side of him.
He's an arsehole.
Pity the new woman.
No surprise she's pregnant - wouldn't be impossible that he's pushed for a baby quickly to tie her to him so he can start up again with his physical and emotional abuse.
Nothing to be jealous of there.

I doubt you'll be single forever. But how much better to single than either (a) still with him or (b) his pregnant girlfriend unaware she's on her way to her first beating :(

Can you find a support group? You've been through a lot.

Justrestinginmyaccount · 20/07/2014 23:41

She won't get the best side of him OP...there isn't one.

Pity her if anything. At least you are free of him; she has a (potential) life time of abuse ahead of her.

Do you have friends/family to talk to? It sounds like you are going through far too much to cope with alone.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2014 23:43

I would rather be single forever than be with a bloke like him

It's just a wobble, love, ride it out

AnyFucker · 20/07/2014 23:44

Oh, and don't do mediation with an abuser...straight to divorce for you

ChanelNo19 · 20/07/2014 23:45

at least you're rid of him.

I know you need to look after yourself, but it's this poor pregnant unfortunate I feel most sorry for. Maybe she has twenty years of hard labour ahead of her and you're out now!

Don't worry about being single. Don't get together with some other man that isn't good for you to show that you can get somebody too! Focus on sorting out your life, the practicalities, take up something that you enjoy that he would have sapped the joy out of, and read books about self-esteem and confidence. Please don't worry about being single. Or maybe, schedule in taking action in a few years when you are in a stronger place

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/07/2014 05:54

He will abuse her just as he abused you. That's just who he is.
As to why he's impregnated another woman so quickly - inadequate men who need to control someone in their lives can't live happily on their own, they need a new victim if the old one moves on. This is just about his need to be king of a castle and have a servant to control. It's not about you Flowers

Original poster
yummytummy · 21/07/2014 08:19

Thanks for replies it really helps. I dont have much support in real life. My parents have disowned me for daring to separate and obviously inlaws on his side all the way whatever he does. So no family but I do have a few good friends who help a lot. Its just v hard with little kids alone and dealing with work house etc with no help

I have been to a solicitor but was holding off filing for divorce but I guess now no other option and at least maybe then he will pay properly for his existing kids

It just hurts so so much and I don't want to be with him but cant believe what is happening. There's just a sea of pain to drown in and I cant seem to get out of it

OP posts:
FabULouse · 21/07/2014 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mindyourown1 · 21/07/2014 09:27

He won't treat her better than he did you. He will probably be worse - older and more cross. I agree pity her. And yep file for divorce and get the CMS to sort out child maintenance properly. You will be fine - be kind to yourself. It is still early days - but time and keeping yourself as busy as possible is the best cure for the heartbreak.

gotitright · 21/07/2014 11:24

you know what- yummytummy- at least your abuse is finally over, he has found another victim.

honestly, that's the truth.

my dd was abused.mentally.physically.financially for 20 years.

when she was totally destroyed, he found another victim.

I met her, and explained how happy I was that she had taken him from the control of my dd, and explained why.
"he will never do that to me" she proudly replied.

guess what, HE DID.
practically destroyed her.mentally.physically.financially.

so don't waste your precious time on either of them.
be strong for yourself and your dc's.
you have been released at last!!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/07/2014 11:45

Yummy, you were on the ramadan thread last year I think, crescent is starting another gift chain, why don't you head over and say hi? You have supporters here xxxx

Original poster
yummytummy · 21/07/2014 12:36

Hi ehric to be honest I feel ashamed even though its not
My actions but dont want to bring down a positive fasting thread with this rubbish. Its so hard fasting alone through this

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/07/2014 12:38

oh yummy, go get your support where you can!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/07/2014 12:46

Yummy, I'm begging you, please join the thread and the gift chain. I'd love to get you a gift! I've followed your posts for a long time as you may remember (I apologised to you last year for my misguided tough love post) and I'm so proud of you.

AnyFucker · 21/07/2014 12:47

go go go !

tisrainingagain · 21/07/2014 13:13

I am so sorry your parents are not supporting you through this yummy. Much love and hugs to you Thanks.

MillyONaire · 21/07/2014 13:32

By the time she realises the real (because he surely didn't tell her the full - if any-extent of his abuse of you) reason you left him and leaves him herself you will have moved on and won't care about them as much as you do right now. Hopefully you will wonder at how you even felt bad at this stage! Have faith that this time will come.

Original poster
yummytummy · 21/07/2014 20:56

its so hard. i find it hard to believe he will be the same with her as he really believes it was all because of me. i kind of think that too and he knows he has to be careful for a few years at least as he doesnt want to risk being alone.

even though he was horrendous it still kills to think of them together. we were together since 18 so have never known anything else and really cannot believe anyone would want me or would be nice to me or even take on two kids and it would have to be someone exceptional before they even came anywhere near my kids

so messed up cant eat properly just feel sick and have struggled to fast

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/07/2014 21:01

he has to tell himself it was all your fault, love

after all you have been through surely you do not believe that

of course he is on his best behaviour with Little Miss sunshine at the moment

but you knwo it won't last

tbh though, what he does now is not, nor should it be, any of your business

you will not truly detach until you no longer care what he does...aim for that, not for some sort of harebrained, impossible-to-reach "closure" because that pretty much never happens where these headfuckers are concerned

how long until sundown now ? Relax on your sofa and have something tasty to eat in an hour or so. You are doing fine xx

mindyourown1 · 21/07/2014 21:06

I have been in your shoes OP - my ex won't treat his new child any better than he treats ours. Yup, he may be on his best behaviour atm but truth always surfaces. And you know what - I don't flipping care any more. I hated the pregnancy but once his new baby was born I felt nothing but utter relief. I am too busy with my own life, my child he has abandoned and I am happy. I don't want to know what he is doing.

I am sure one day many people would want you as a partner - but I will tell you something else - it is actually pretty fabulous and empowering to be alone too. It doesn't mean you have failed. And yep I agree his behaviour was caused by him - nobody else.

scottishmummy · 21/07/2014 21:10

Your priority is yourself,your children,let him get in with his complicated personal life

However I would say if you think there is risk of DVD to the new pg woman that you inform police

Call the non-Emergency number,stick to facts.his details address and your reporting previous DV and pg woman May be at risk

Hard as it is,the other pg woman isn't the villain in this.don't demonise her
You have no idea whether he gives her accurate account of events

Original poster
yummytummy · 21/07/2014 21:12

Thanks so much for messages they are saving my sanity. Any other wise words will be v much appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
yummytummy · 21/07/2014 21:14

I actually said to him did he tell her what happened and why we split he said no and I tried to say he should tell her but of course he said no as he doesn't want to jinx his new relationship by bringing it up.

Its all detailed in the divorce petition anyway so it will come out. But then again why shd I care what he does he may not even do it this time

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 21/07/2014 21:17

Let's it forget there is a pg woman in all of this,she doesn't know his history
She isn't the villain in this,at all
And I urge you tell police he's with another woman,who is pg,and history of his Dv

Viviennemary · 21/07/2014 21:19

You had 20 years of misery. Can't see this new woman will have a relationship made in heaven. I agree with not wasting time thinking about this pair. Concentrate on yourself and your DC's and the future. Of course he will tell himself it's all your fault. These types always do.