ex's new girlfriend pregnant and we aren't even divorced yet. struggling to cope

[yummytummy]

So, briefly ex was v physically and emotionally abusive had been together nearly 20 years. Relationship ended in oct last year when he moved out. He hooked up with new woman v quickly. We were about to start mediation but I wasnt comfortable as I think its not recommended where there is abuse.

Today he tells me the news and I just feel numb. I mean surely u sort out one divorce and arrangements for that family before creating another.

Am really worried about implications for my kids as he pays bare minimum atm anyway

I think I have to file for divorce stating the violence and adultery

But how can I cope on an emotional level. Its so hard as he was awful to me but potentially great with her and she will get the best side of him I never had.

Plus I worry about always being alone and never finding anyone esp with two little kids.

Why shd he get chance of happiness aftet all the awful things he did to me and I am stuck as a single parent struggling and alone

sorry that your parents aren't supporting you. Mine did, and it was still hard to get through it so you must be so strong.

She's simply the new you, pity her.

The pregnancy is to control her, poor woman.

You, my love, are well rid-he's a knob jockey of the highest order. Enjoy the life you now have without him.

It's not about the other woman.its all about him.the 20 yrs he was horrendous
It's really unedifying women fighting about a man
His DV needs flagged up to police and social services esp as she is pg

i know this sounds like defending him but he wasnt awful the whole 20 years only since kids so started after pregnancy. oh shit she is at risk isnt she. i will pass on the info to relevant people. what a mess

i really hope one day i do get to a point where i am truly detached. i feel like it would help if i had someone but at the same time i recognise i am in no state for a relationship right now. its just hard to be totally alone with no partner or family. i do have few good friends but they are away over summer.

it's very common for abuse to start around the first pregnancy

he is a pretty common or garden abuser...nothing special about him at all

Do inform police of his last dv
Of course it's hard for yiu,yiu were in a unit,you functioned as couple.its v different to be single
My advice is,simply keep a routine,keep yourselves safe,and tiny step daily
You'll need time to process this,and to adjust.dont be hard on yourself

And it is still early days for you since splitting up. I am 3 years in and have found the time alone invaluable. If I had started a new relationship before now I would not have been ready and would have dealt someone new a marked card. Someone new won't be a sticking plaster to fix all this - it is a lovely thought but it wouldn't work. Am sure that is something he will discover at some point too. Not that it is your problem any more. Please look after yourself. You deserve so much more.

And they aren't awful all the time - they have to be nice sometimes or you wouldn't stay. Cycle of abuse.

My recent exp (only 7 months, thank god) was physically and verbally abusive to me. When he wasn't being, he was pretty much begging me to try for a baby with him. Love? No. Control? Completely.

He won't change. Sadly, she is just the replacement for you. Getting her pregnant serves 2 purposes for him: a) that's her in a nicely weakened position and b) that's you told that he could easily replace you.

Just be very, very thankful that you're out. Focus on protecting your own future now. It will hurt but that will fade in time and you will be amazed at how quickly you start to piece things together. As for her, the poor love, you know only too well how her future will pan out...

Hi just bumping myself to see if anyone has any more tips. Not coping v well today just feel like crying all the time

Well then cry away.
It helps with your stress and other things too.
You are having a down day.
Tomorrow should be brighter.

Mine was having an affair.
I found out properly in the August, but November he announced she was PG!

She turned out to be a nightmare and he now doesn't see his DD or his ex.
Karma is a wonderful thing sometimes.
He will get his - you can be sure of that.

And as previously said, lots of abuser start during 1st pregnancy or 1st child.
It will happen to her too.
This is who HE is.
It's NOT you!
Don't ever believe that load of old bollox!

Try to look after yourself.
Keep your sugar levels up.
Sugary tea. Banana, smoothie etc....

It is so hard parenting alone, no wonder you feel stressed. Have you told your GP you are crying all the time? Maybe they can set you up some counselling? Also, have you tried that Freedom Programme available online? It might help work through some of the feelings of pain about your relationship.

The abuse was not because of you, and within a few years he will be telling his new partner that it's all her fault that he abuses her :-( I'm glad you are out of it!

have a good cry,better oot than in
this really isnt about her,or him.and life aint a Country song.so dont get all hung up on story
it is like grieving,an established pattern in your life has changed.it natural to miss,and even romanticise it for a wee while.and then move on

my advice
stick to your routine with kids eg meals,bath,etc
dont get hung up on the narrative of this.pointless to rake over he said,you said
dont demonise her
dont romanticise him
you can adapt your own behaviour and reactions,it doesn't mean forever youll be stuck

He's no prize is he? honestly you are not going to miss out on having him blighting your life. He won't jinx his new relationship by being honest about why you broke up, well what a surprise, he's ashamed of himself even while he looks pleased with himself for impregnating his gf so fast. You don't sound as if you will badmouth him to your children, they will look to you as the dependable loving parent who hasn't abandoned them, his new partner does'nt know what she's in for.

When you say you
really cannot believe anyone would want me or would be nice to me or even take on two kids

That is the little 18 year old who was swept off her feet speaking, not the capable woman writing this thread with two bright youngsters beside her. You say later here, you know you're not ready for a new partner, that sort of wisdom isn't occurring to everyone in your shoes, the instinct is often to look for a new person to fill the ex shaped hole in your life. Actually he wasn't so great as the years wore on, was he, so his absence is a smaller gap than first might appear. One which will fill quickly I promise.

Your parents have made a gesture they think appropriate. His parents must be appalled but will put on a brave face and not cross their son. Gather what support you can elsewhere. You have done nothing to be ashamed of so hold your head high.

it would have to be someone exceptional before they even came anywhere near my kids
See, already you are thinking ahead, safeguarding your precious children, anyone new in your life has to recognise your priorities are different to somebody starting afresh who is child-free.

thankyou donkeys that was a lovely post gosh posting here is helping so much thankyou everyone for your wise and kind words its amazing to get such support from people who dont even know you. but i guess these situations are hardly uncommon and many people have been through it unfortunately