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Original poster

Feel different about my friend

31 replies

HouseofEliot · 20/07/2014 20:08

I went with my friend last night to a reunion from school. I was driving so wasn't drinking. My choice as I can take it or leave it. I was giving her a lift home. The place is miles from home.

She was drinking wine and was merry but ok. She went to the toilet and apparently was drinking shots. She then disappeared nobody could find her. Then the lads noticed one of the other lads was missing.

I called her mobile and they called his numerous times no response.

I didn't know what to do and was very worried about her.

I left 2 hours after she disappeared. She eventually rang me at 1 in the morning 3 hours after she disappeared. She had been with this lad the whole time.

She is married with 2 kids and so is he. I am disgusted with them both. For what they did and for ruining my night worrying about where she went. The reunion has been planned for a year.

We have been friends for 25 years but I feel different towards her now. She has begged me not to tell anyone. I don't know how to get over this. She has never done anything like this before it is so out of character. Am I wrong to be so upset or is it none of my business?

OP posts:
Opinionated7 · 20/07/2014 20:21

If I was her husband I'd want to know and I'd be making sure she tells him.

Other than that she sounds like an absolutely wonderful person. Bike

MrsWolowitz · 20/07/2014 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HouseofEliot · 20/07/2014 20:26

I have told her she needs to tell him. She said she is so ashamed. They have been together 20 years and as far as I know this has never happened before. She is my best friend and a lovely person usually.

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/07/2014 20:30

Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes they make shitty, shitty decisions.

As her friend it is your job to give her unconditional love and support even when she is doing or has done something you don't agree with.

You can voice your opinion and give advice bur first and foremost you should be there for her as a friend.

VerityWaves · 20/07/2014 20:30

" making sure she tells him"

What the F@&&?

OP she was very thoughtless and out of order to leave you alone. Whatever your gripe is let it be with her. To start judging her or him morally will just cause more problems.

Opinionated7 · 20/07/2014 20:33

Regardless of whether it is out of character or not it's something that needs discussing. Try put yourself in her husbands shoes.

Has she apologised to you?

Original poster
HouseofEliot · 20/07/2014 20:36

Yes she has apologised. She is ashamed and disgusted with herself.
I am not a big drinker. Would shots make her behave like this?

OP posts:
Opinionated7 · 20/07/2014 20:36

What he doesn't know won't hurt him then? Is that what you're saying?

Opinionated7 · 20/07/2014 20:37

No matter how much you've drank your subconscious still knows what's right and wrong.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/07/2014 20:41

Yes, of course the mind knows what it is right and wrong.

But as a friend, you should do nothing but support her.

CanaryYellow · 20/07/2014 20:42

You can offer an opinion and advice. You can tell her you feel differently about her after this.

But if this is really so out of character for her, and she hasn't spoken to you about any issues with her marriage then, if it were me, my most over-riding emotion would be real concern for her and I'd be offering her some support.

Original poster
HouseofEliot · 20/07/2014 20:44

I have text her and we are meeting tomorrow with the children. We can chat while they play.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 20/07/2014 20:45

You are her friend. Have been for 25 years.

You need to support her.

Not stand in high judgement.

Quitelikely · 20/07/2014 20:49

I don't think it's your place to tell her dh. It's nothing to do with you really. Fine if you don't want to be her friend anymore. I bet she would prefer that to having no marriage.

ChangelingToday · 20/07/2014 21:19

How did she get home in the end? Didn't her husband wonder why she didn't come home with you?

Opinionated7 · 20/07/2014 21:23

So every time he sees her husband he has to look him in the eye knowing what his wife has done?

Original poster
HouseofEliot · 20/07/2014 21:24

I wouldn't tell her DH myself.

She got a taxi which dropped her at the end of her road. Her DH wouldn't know if I dropped her off or not as I don't go in I just drop her off outside.

OP posts:
ChangelingToday · 20/07/2014 21:30

So it sounds as though he won't find out unless you or your friend tell him. That is such a shitty position she has put you in. I think if I were in your shoes I would begin to distance myself from her. I realise you have known her a long time but I think if you think you will struggle with keeping this secret it's the only other way.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2014 21:32

I would think less of her too. I wouldn't interfere any further though.

Opinionated7 · 20/07/2014 21:48

Pretty much what ChangelingToday said, but I would make her aware that you won't be friends if she expects you to keep her secret.

newnamesamegame · 20/07/2014 22:38

As someone else said my first concern would be for her welfare: it sounds as if she has some major problems - either with her marriage or with drink (possibly both.)

I don't think drinking shots alone would make someone do this without an underlying inclination: plenty of people go out and get inebriated and manage not to cheat on their partners. It sounds like she may have alcohol issues but that is not of itself an excuse.

I would make it clear that you are worried as well as being disgusted and leave the door open for her to talk if she needs to but also be very clear that you think her behaviour was completely out of line.

On a first offence (so to speak), and assuming the H is not a close personal friend I would not tell him as your first loyalty is to her, but I would be making clear that you want her to face up to what's wrong in her life and will withdraw from her if she ever puts you in a similar position again.

PintOfWine · 20/07/2014 22:45

If you've known her 25 years and your kids play together, then you must know her husband.

It would be none of your business if she had an affair.

But she's specifically involved and implicated you and now expects you to lie to her husband indefinitely?

And, it's not just you that knows. This will get out and she needs to be the first to tell her husband.

Cabrinha · 20/07/2014 22:50

If I were her, I'd be questioning the value of YOUR friendship.
Totally out of character your friend goes missing for two hours and you give up and go home anyway.
Good thing she wasn't in trouble, hey?

What she has done is wrong. But generally people don't behave like that out of the blue. If she's that good a friend, hear her out.

Maybe she's is a godawful marriage and you don't know? Perhaps a straw broke a camel's back.

Original poster
HouseofEliot · 20/07/2014 22:54

I rang her repeatedly. I and a few others searched everywhere round there including in entry's. I was worried sick. I have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 20/07/2014 22:55

FWIW, I came close to going off with a sleaze in a bar one night. I didn't do much as kiss him - but he was totally up for it, and I was tempted.
Because I hadn't had sex for 4 years as I was fairly sure my husband was sleeping with prostitutes. He was - I since have had the proof and divorced him.
I felt awful - trapped, unattractive, etc.
Some sleazy wanker touched my neck (uninvited) and very part of my sexual being that I'd suppressed wanted sex.
From the outside - so many people thought my husband was lovely, my marriage happy.

Yes, it was wrong of your friend to cheat on her husband. And in giving a very personal specific incident. She may just have been a bitch. But... As I said in my last post, if it's out of character and she's a good friend... Listen first.