Will police inform social services?

[sillymillyb]

Sorry I'm not sure where to put this, any advice welcome.

I've posted before about my mums old foster kids - they are young adults with learning disabilities, no social services involvement any more. She has cared for them for 20 years now, so part of the family sort of.

One of them has what can only be described as toddler tantrums - usually about once a week. They can be over anything like missing a favourite tv programme or not being allowed a biscuit before lunch. When she has these she is told to go upstairs to her room which is her safe space and she can scream / cry do whatever there till she is calmer. This usually is fine and she is happy and relieved with this.

My mum was out yesterday, ds and I are staying with her while I have new kitchen / bathroom put into my place. Old foster sister starts kicking off but refuses to goto her room. she picked up a wooden game and tried to throw it at my head, the tried to hit me twice. The first time she hit ds (aiming for me) and the second time she hit me. I pushed her away to try and get out house and she starts screaming. Ds is screaming and I am a mess as she has never attacked anyone before.

I ended up calling the police, who were pretty crap if I'm honest and said they would normally take assault of a minor seriously but as she has learning difficulties they pretty much just sent her to her room and me and ds back in the house.

My questions are.... Will social services be involved? Ds is 2 and was shaken but not hurt.

Secondly, what the hell do I do? I am horrified ds got hurt. I was abused hy a foster brother and feel sick at though of ds being exposed to same influences. My mum keeps saying it was unintentional as she meant to hit me not ds, and whilst I agree, I then find myself saying - but that's not on either? It's not is it? She told me this is normal and going on in thousands of houses up and down the country where people live with people with learning disabilities.... But that doesn't make it ok, does it?

My house has no bathroom or kitchen in and I have no money to rush it through. I've come to a hotel until Tuesday to give me time to figure this out, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by it.

I don't know if I'm just over reacting because of my past? I want to kill her for hurting ds, even unintentionally. I don't know what to do.

Ds is asleep in the car right now (we are at thomasland so he's very happy and thinks we are having a "lovely holiday" but if I don't reply it's cos he has woke up.

Please be gentle with me (ice got flamed before talking about the foster kids when they stole from me) as I'm feeling incredibly shaken up about this whole thjng.

Everything thenapolean said. You are hoping that your mum will protect your child, in the way she didn't protect you. She won't and that hurts like hell. But you have to put that to one side and focus on protecting your DS (and yourself) now. Put your energies into changing your situation. Move back home, sod the building work, camp in your garden if you have to.

Then you can't honk about your next move. Tbh I thin SS should intervene, it doesn't sound like a long-term sustainable situation. But for now, just get you and DS out of it.

You need to protect your child.

From your mother as much as from her foster 'children'.

If you don't then you are pretty much doing the same thing she did, putting other people's needs and wants before his.

Thank you everyone, I needed to hear this.

Ds and I are going to a b&b and I have spoken to the landlord (at 8am, he was thrilled!) and he will help get the house habitable by Monday and then the rest of the work can carry on with us there.

I was worried about social services for my son, because, well, no one wants social services to have to look at their family do they?

I would love social services help for my mum and the girls, but the just aren't interested. It seems crazy to me after a life time of support that they can just withdraw it, but there you go.

I agree though, that's not my problem. My problem is getting my son out of this situation, and to stop being hung up on fact my mum won't step in.

I'm 33, and out relationship is so warped it makes me feel 15 sometimes.

Thank you again for all the input, i needed this perspective. I have a busy week ahead of me I think.

You have done everything you can to protect DS from a repeat from an attack which you couldn't have anticipated.

SS will be happy with your parenting and close the case. But yes it is stressful to be assessed by them.

You sound like a great mum!

Perhaps this incident happened for a reason. It's been a wake up call that your mother is not the best person to ask for childcare as she has more than enough on her own plate right now and she would be unable to care for young children safely with volatile adults with LD in the house.
The thing that really strikes me is the resentment you feel. I can fully understand this and perhaps others who grew up in homes where their parents fostered feel a similar resentment. For you this resentment is unresolved and probably your mother is in a certain amount of denial as she probably did the best that she could in difficult circumstances.
Hopefully in time you can have a real heart to heart and she can listen to your feelings. Sadly she can't turn back time but in giving unconditional love to very vulnerable children (and now adults) she has inadvertently hurt you and that is deeply sad. She does need that least acknowledge this.
I hope things settle soon for you all.

It's upsetting to read some off the comments from people using the same benchmark for tolerating this as you would another adult. Since childhood I have been around LD and brain injured adults. Their behaviour can seem unpredictable and angry behaviour isn't uncommon. They don't have the same ability to channel their emotions or even understand their own feelings. .

Adults who know them well usually have ways of managing it which work very well.

That's by the by really but I just wanted to confront the misconception that either the foster sister is a dangerous violent animal or not being looked after appropriately. Many LD adults have toddler tantrums and have not progressed past that. Imagine someone watching your toddler tantruming and declaring you as a mother unfit or your child a danger? Tantrums can be violent and scary. In an adult even more so.

What does this mean for you....

I think a sit down with your mum or a letter to her to say how you feel would help you. Word it very carefully with the 'This makes me feel' rather than accusing. It sounds to me as if your mum feels torn between her commitment to you and to your foster siblings. In your head they are trumping your needs. In her head they don't have any options...she can't chuck them onto the street.

A good outcome would be for her to recognise the hurt and rejection you feel, for you to recognise that her care for adults doesn't mean you are loved less and for you to agree a way to live so that you and your child felt safe when at her house.

What frontforward said

It's not abuse from the woman with LDs and they are not some subspecies of other human but just people.

Sending her to her room is obviously not the answer to managing her behaviour so hopefully SS will get involved and help with better strategies.

I'm glad you have resolved your problems and are back in a safe place. One thing that jumped out at me though, what is going to happen as your dm gets older? My dh works in assisted living, he's a big bloke, but he has been bitten kicked and hit by clients many times. Will there come a time when, with the best will in the world, your dm can't manage behaviour like this? I think SS involvement now, rather than then is a good thing. They won't be concerned with your parenting, it's great. But they might look to help your mums situation.

I dont think police are way to go.

Social services are.

I'm just on my way out so will have to be quick.

I never said they were a subspecies! For all that has happened, I have lived along side the girls for 20 off years and am very fond of them too.

The police were called because she had lost control, had already hit me and my son and at one point was blocking the door to let us out (that was when i called them)

Social services aren't interested. My mum has begged them for help, they won't do anything or provide any additional support. The girls were placed out of area with us when the placement first began, when they reached the out of care team they were handed over to the local authority, who say they don't meet their criteria for continued care. They were put on benefits and expected to get on with it.

They are sent to their room (actually just the one who has temper tantrums is) because that is what they want. It is their safe space, and the rules are that If she needs to shout or throw things that's ok, but it can't be near people. She is usually ok with this and welcomes it. Saying you can't send adults to their rooms is true, but she doesn't think like an adult - it would be wrong and damaging to treat her like one and she would be the first one to suffer if you tried to.

Thank you for all your help, I am truly grateful for the outside perspective. It has really been needed because I have too much history and often can't see the woods for the trees. Thank you x

Sillymilly. No you didnt say that :)

If your mum went to the GP she could ask for a referral to the local LD specialist healthcare team, who hopefully have a psychologist/ behaviour support team who can advise on managing aggressive behaviour. I think a lot of families of people with LD live with it, when actually there is support/ strategies available.

Your mother adopted the girls so that means they get equal treatment. She is all they have. They have needs that IMO you don't. You say up thread it would be wrong to treat them like an adult. That's because you know they sadly can't behave and act like one. Tbh I'm confused as to why you are blaming your mother for the fact that one of them hit you. She wasn't there, there was no history of this behaviour, she acknowledges it was wrong, she has offered to block half the house off for you yet you still aren't happy that she has done her best to rectify the situation. But she can't chose between you which I wonder if that is what you really want. She's their mother as much as yours. Short of sending them to live elsewhere I don't know what would please you.

What is that drove your mother to be so determined to be a foster carer for these children, to the detriment of you?

Because there is more to it than being kind hearted.

It's as though just doing what others do isn't enough, she must do more, take on the harder cases. Just being a mother wasn't enough, but being the foster mother to children with additional needs brought with it something extra, whether it is recognition, whether it's a holier than though attitude, whatever. Something is driving her behaviour. And the behaviour was and is to the expensive of your well being.

Unless that something is recognised and worked out of her system then she's never going to change.

Haydayqueen I am glad not everyone has your attitude to the "harder cases"

Just as well some people don't "do what everyone does" and only foster easy kids

Help with their behaviour is the answer for them and everyone else.

Fanjo - not only did she put her own children at risk for these foster children, but she even AFTER her own daughter was abused she didn't consider putting her first.

ALL children deserve to come first at some point in their lives, and it doesn't sound as though sillymilly was EVER put first, but the Foster Children have all been put first.

So I stand by what I said. People should take on the harder cases because they feel they could and they want to do more. It's a very admirable trait. They SHOULDN'T take on the harder cases because it makes them look good or feel better, especially at such an expense to their existing family.

I considered offering short term respite care to families with a child with disabilities. Having grown up with it I wanted to offer support. However I realised I did not have the resources to do so. (Finances as it was unpaid, practical as ex husband was an arse and time...I worked full time). So I didn't do it.

Had I done so I am absolutely sure it would have had an impact on my family but I think it would have meant growth for them as human beings, empathy, tolerance, understanding and many positives. All of those things could only have been positive if I'd taken on only what I could cope with. There is always the risk that something might go wrong of course. Same is true of every situation in life.

I think of all the families coping with disabilities and health issues and frankly wish I could have offered help. It's not because I wish to look good or feel better.

I feel for mildly because she has obviously been affected and that needs tackling. If you were my daughter I'd want to make you feel secure, feel first in my life and sort things out. I am sure I'd also feel really conflicted by responsibility to vulnerable adults.

I think your focus needs to be on your relationship with your mum. It's very possible she is struggling to admit difficulty with the situation because she feels guilty but also has no solutions. A frank heart to heart might help you both

I feel for Milly not mildly!

Her daughter wasnt "abused".

I've also worked as a support worker for people with Ld's and have been attacked before.

But that was treated very seriously and the client was moved to a more suitable and secure place where the staff were trained to react to that sort of behaviour.

I was terrified so cannot imagine what it would have been like with a child there too

You aren't over reacting, but I'm afraid the only course of action you probably have is to keep your son safe ( and yourself of course)

Have you got anywhere to go?

Fanjo did you not read the bit where the OP said she was abused by a foster sibling?!

Fanjo. Any mother who puts other kids above their own is a fool. Did you not read that the OP was abused (back in the day)?
I know that you have an interest in this, but you are wrong to be snarky. As for saying a person wasn't abused when they were, you are bang out of order and should, perhaps reconsider your parenting credentials.
Hurts, doesn't it? Good. Put your thoughts into perspective before you deny anybody that says that they have been abused.

Ah no.sorry. but abuse happens in families. It is unfortunate to say least but blaming the parent or the fostering isn't the way to go.