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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A man with love issues

61 replies

ReadingWomen · 20/07/2014 11:31

I need some advice. It would seem that I need a woman's perspective on this. For in the end this is about women or rather my relationship to them.

I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I'm educated. I dress smartly. I shower and shave. I'm in my forties with no children and no major baggage in the past. I'm employed. Friends and family are good. I have no hang ups.

Yet love seems a very remote possibility. I see women. We have dinner. We talk, chat. Some times things develop. Sometimes things don't. Yet in the end we always end up as friends., or even on the other hand she becomes and acquaintance. Just someone I know and then, they just drift away.

In the end I always seem to end up emotionally rejected, pushed away, or even worse just ignored .

Can someone tell me what is going on here?

OP posts:

Pinkfrocks · 21/07/2014 11:14

Running- then the record of your single friends who were divorced with children by 25 is not one to emulate is it? If you are holding that up as some great lifestyle success then I can't see why.

My brother is single at 50. He dates. He doesn't want anyone with children. There are women out there who are mid 30s, 40s and older who are single and child free.

Being a step father is not everyone's cup of tea.

Runningforfun · 21/07/2014 11:48

I am coming from the position of knowing an awful lot of singleton women who are on the dating scene and am just showing what the women who are out there are looking for
I am not saying that the woman your brother is looking for doesn't exist but any woman who is single and child free in their mid 30's and older either wants to get married because they want kids or if they don't and are happy with their lives then it is going to take a very special person for them to give up their lifestyle.
I do get the impression from this thread and the op that people think that a woman with or without kids is desperate for a man and all a man has to do is look presentable be employed and show up on time and they cannot understand why women are turning them down and moving on.

A df says when going on a date you don't know what you want a man to do but when he does "it" you relax and you know this could lead somewhere. It could be just something as simple as a flick of his hair, a joke, or that he is kind to the waitress.

I actually think this section of my friends have their lives sorted. They hit the job market maybe a little later than most but they have caught up and have overtaken those that left it later to have children. It is this section of my dfs that have fantastic careers where as the majority of dfs who did it the more acceptable way and left it till their 30's to get pregnant are now resigning themselves to the fact that they will live the next few years working themselves to the bone to maintain their careers or giving up completely.

pinkfrocks · 21/07/2014 11:58

it's funny how we all read something different into one post , isn't it?

I don't pick that up at all from this guy. I thought he was keen to tell us that he wasn't smelly, unemployed, dim, etc. He wasn't setting himself up as some great catch- he was saying that as far as he could tell, there wasn't anything immediately awful that would be an instant turn off.

I think your judgment -Running- is too much influenced by those friends of yours!

I have friends who are older (I'm a lot older than you) and children aren't part of the equation now as theirs are grown up. They are looking for something special in a new partner because as they say, they are not looking for a father figure or for someone to put a roof over their heads.

I can't see why an educated, solvent guy of 40 isn't completely eligible for any woman in her early -mid 30s, who has yet to have children if she wants them.

ChanelNo19 · 21/07/2014 12:02

pinfrocks, that's how i read it too.

he was saving us the first 100 posts.

pinkfrocks · 21/07/2014 12:05

yeah like- do you shave, use deodorant, have your own teeth, are you solvent, do you have 16 kids and 3 ex wives...blah blah.

Belloc · 21/07/2014 12:05

Does the OP want to have children? Not everyone does.

pinkfrocks · 21/07/2014 12:13

He's gone.

Left us all in the lurch.

Belloc · 21/07/2014 12:16

Was he a one night stand?

EveMarieSaint · 21/07/2014 12:30

I am not surprised he has gone.

Latara · 21/07/2014 12:45

I think the OP just hasn't met the 'right' woman yet - maybe there's not been that 'spark' on any of the dates he's been on.

I do know men in their late 30s / 40s in a similar situation with no kids, and I personally am 37 - want children but no men on the horizon for me sadly!

Everyone is telling me to try OD and that's what I shall do - I have so many friends and acquaintances who met their partner online.

OP, sometimes you have to go through dozens of dates before you find the 'right' person. And it's all practice.

I've not dated many men yet in my 30s because of illness but when it's gone wrong it's been because of: no spark of attraction at all leading to just friendship; the man drinking too much; expecting sex too soon for me to feel comfortable; talking about how wonderful they are and being arrogant; worst of all being snobbish.

Personally I'm a strong intelligent woman but I do have some 'baggage' - MH illness - plus I'm quite shy around men I like despite being able to chat for ages to any man in my job or with no pressure of dating!
Maybe I need to start a thread....

Latara · 21/07/2014 12:57

Going back slightly to the men I know of late 30s / 40s who are single - (some do have kids, some are eternal bachelors it seems) - the reasons I wouldn't consider those particular men are due to:

Drinking too much on nights out and at home;
Putting on weight due to drinking and also becoming quite scruffy;
Being an evangelistic born-again Christian (not for me!);
A bad temper and prone to getting in fights;
Proudly admitting they are Conservative or a UKIP fan (again, just not for me);
Problems with overspending money (ie spending on concerts and festivals then missing mortgage / rent payments);
At the other extreme being a complete tightwad so I end up spending more on them than they do on me;
Being 'players' with women and treating them badly.

But I think if OP is actually having dates and ending up as 'friends' that's a positive thing and it may just be a matter of time before he meets someone nice.

I think relationships are like friendships - you have to 'click' with the person so you have similar interests, can talk for hours and then don't drift apart. Also, like friendships they need working at once they are established - but I'm no expert!

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