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Original poster

A man with love issues

61 replies

ReadingWomen · 20/07/2014 11:31

I need some advice. It would seem that I need a woman's perspective on this. For in the end this is about women or rather my relationship to them.

I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I'm educated. I dress smartly. I shower and shave. I'm in my forties with no children and no major baggage in the past. I'm employed. Friends and family are good. I have no hang ups.

Yet love seems a very remote possibility. I see women. We have dinner. We talk, chat. Some times things develop. Sometimes things don't. Yet in the end we always end up as friends., or even on the other hand she becomes and acquaintance. Just someone I know and then, they just drift away.

In the end I always seem to end up emotionally rejected, pushed away, or even worse just ignored .

Can someone tell me what is going on here?

OP posts:
Runningforfun · 20/07/2014 15:54

Dh and myself went to single sex schools and definitely affected us both that is why I chose co ed for both dc.

The issue about the single sex school bit is that if op did go to one he started off after school by only seeing women as gf material instead of friend material.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2014 15:55

I don't think we can read too much into the 'late twenty-something with kids' remark. Some women in that category would leap on a mature, well-turned-out, employed guy with both hands and never let go :) Others might be wary of a single 40yo on principle

More information needed, I think.

Pinkfrocks · 20/07/2014 16:17

The problem is most intelligent women with strong personalities who are in their 30s probably have little in common with a man who has no kids and had no long term relationships.

How do reach this conclusion?

I can't see the connection.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2014 16:37

@Pinkfrocks... some people are quite cynical, suspicious even, of someone who has reached the milestone of 40 and hadn't experienced a long term relationship. Extrapolate a little, pick up a few stereotypes, and you can easily imagine a guy who is quite set in his ways (I've been single long enough that I'm allowed to say this) and maybe doesn't slot in very well to an existing family.

Nature abhors a vacuum. Speculation flourishes in the absence of information. :)

Pinkfrocks · 20/07/2014 16:41

I think it's really sad when people make assumptions. My brother is 50 and always been single and no LTR- some people might think this odd but quite honestly he hasn't met the right woman and work takes up a huge amount of time.

It always strikes me as odd that people are more forgiving of men ( and women) who have been serial monogamists -yet seem ready to think the worst of someone who has avoided commitment because they haven't found the right person.

lavenderhoney · 20/07/2014 16:43

Drinks and dinner are nice first dates. Then you move to walks, theatre and moving from holding hands slowly ( or v fast!) to sex. Then the relationship changes again from chasing ( for sex) to enjoying time together.

I expect you're very good at the first part but slightly at a loss with a LTR where you don't do smart dinners really and begin to slot into each other's lives.

Runningforfun · 20/07/2014 16:46

I have several friends who are single with kids, my friends are late 20s to late 40s all work full time and bring in enough to get by on. Most want partners who can take up the slack with the kids and just do the DIY. Problem as they put it is if you get a guy who has not had kids or a relationship it is like having another child that needs to be taught what to do and they just don't have the time or energy to spend being a teacher.

I think op you should go on a date considering that the woman opposite you is not all that fussed at taking the dates any further and they probably have several dates per week. Unless you actually make a big impression on her by making her laugh you won't get a look in.
Also don't b***t and try and gloss over why you haven't been able to get a long term gf in 22 years. Also don't burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant and blub about what a mess you have made of your life. (Happened to a friend. Snot stream was definitely a turn off.) Also don't brag about how lucky a catch you would make them, another df got so bored about hearing how lucky she would be to have this guy in her life she made her excuses and ran. Also if you are asthmatic please take your inhaler, one df spent the evening with what she described as a heavy breather. Every week I hear tales of dates dfs have been on so do have some idea of what goes on out there.
You will get there just be funny and strong and helpful and you will meet the one.

Also Cogito no 20 something with kids I know would actually hang on to a guy in his 40s just because he is well turned out and employed especially if they are intelligent and strong women.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2014 16:50

To be fair he said he had 'no major baggage' rather than he hadn't had a LTR. Yes the world would be much simpler if we didn't make assumptions about age and history but where's the fun in that?! As a nearly 50yo with a pile of personal baggage that would give the average Sherpa palpitations, I'm amazed at how many men will still try to wade through it :)

Pinkballoon · 20/07/2014 16:56

ReadingWomen

To be blunt, if you are looking at women in their forties, most will have children. And if they're looking at you, they might, and I say might, be asking why you don't? To some (and I say some) it may suggest someone who has not wanted to commit, or is unable to share their life.

I know that my brother was in this situation for quite a long time.

Where are you meeting these women?

Pinkfrocks · 20/07/2014 16:58

Running- the common theme in your posts is how quick you are to as) assume and b) generalise!

It's not very sensible to do this, or to assume that a 40-something man can't roll up his sleeves and muck in, helping with kids or chores.

The alternative might be a man who hasn't been able to stick at being married and has his own kids and an ex who take up a lot of emotional and physical energy, alongside his 'new' family.

I've known women in their 40s meet men with no kids and maybe 1 short earlier marriage and the men have been bloody great with the kids and chores.

anyway- all off topic really until the OP comes back.

Belloc · 20/07/2014 17:37

It seems obvious that you are meeting the wrong sort of women. Have you thought about mysinglefriend? Where your friends choose a date for you?

Preciousbane · 20/07/2014 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NormalTea · 20/07/2014 22:16

This is not to the OP, just to various people who've commented already (and maybe the OP could also take note!) although I was in an abusive relationship and I left it with two children under five and a rucksack, now, I would honestly say I have no baggage. I had psychotherapy, I understand what happened and why and I own my own place and I work and I support my family, so I would instantly be hurt and take a step back if I was dating a man who put me in the category of baggage.

I dated one of those lovely men and I think what killed it for me was the silences. Yes he talked if I asked him questions, but there was no chat. He was attractive, generous, educated, but if there was a lot going on in his head he didnt share it. So I had to end it. On paper he was everything I wanted. But I used to think 'my girl friends are better company so why do I lower the bar for men ?'. Men should be good company too.

I'm not suggesting that the OP is not good company btw.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 20/07/2014 22:35

Well put, it's a worry when someone is 40 with no relationship history to show for it.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 20/07/2014 22:36

Where is the OP

ChanelNo19 · 20/07/2014 23:11

maybe he's found love

Belloc · 21/07/2014 00:20

Perhaps he's at the baggage carousse. Wink

NirmalTea- thank you. i've never thought of it before but baggage is a pejorative description. (You sound terrific by the way.)

Belloc · 21/07/2014 00:21

Carousel

Hedgesinthewind · 21/07/2014 08:08

I dated one of those lovely men and I think what killed it for me was the silences. Yes he talked if I asked him questions, but there was no chat. He was attractive, generous, educated, but if there was a lot going on in his head he didnt share it. So I had to end it. On paper he was everything I wanted.
Have we gone out with the same man? Or with the OP who remindded me of someone I still see on&off. Single, Straights(as far asI cantell) nevermarried Ithink, no chuildren. To me that's not a problem actually!

When we 1st met, we txtd 2/3 times a day, emails late at night and all thru the day. Shared a fair bit at a general level & often quite flitrty.But when we meet up (still)he's often silent,whichIve learned to live with, and come to quite like, but won't share beyond a certain level.He's very clever,kind, funny, talldark&handsome. But ...

I got over my heart being bruised, but sometimes it annoys me that men who behave this way are irresponsible.They don't realise what they're doing, getting us incvolved in this way then just dropping back, pulling away

Runningforfun · 21/07/2014 10:16

I am not generalising. This is a definite thing that all of my friends who are single with kids have a view about. All meet guys through on line dating websites or just generally guys they meet going out, going to work etc

When faced with a more mature guy who tells them they have not had time for a LTR because they have been working hard/concentrating on their career etc. The whole thing comes across as being very pompous.
As though they have worked harder than them because they took "a break" to have children get married and generally have a life.

I just think the op needs to realise that being not bad looking, well educated, and employed at 40 will not cut it any more. It is like the job market. Once you hit a certain age if you have never been "employed" before you have to offer something extra than the 22 year olds you are competing against. One friend 41 married guy of 18. They have a child and 14 years later are still blissfully happy

As one friend put it
"I have my money, I have my kids, I have a clean home, I have a social life, I would like to marry again but who ever I pick, they will have to be extra special before I consider letting them into my life, into my children's lives and to take on the job of washing their undies."

Pinkfrocks · 21/07/2014 10:31

Oh come on, Running- surely not?

Nowadays many educated men ( and women) are still trying to get their careers off the ground in their 20s and 30s- and many are still living with their parents until 30 due to the cost of living.

DH and I didn't marry till we were 30, and that was many years back when it was quite easy to leave uni, buy a house and be settled in your 20s.

I think it's shocking tbh that you have such a dim view of men who are single at 40 and who haven't produced a child or been in a series of unsuccessful LTR.

ChelsyHandy · 21/07/2014 10:48

Strangely sentimental title and username. Love is a very special thing and surely the op describes personal and relationship issues, because he doesn't appear to be in love?

If i were single, i would be put off already.

Runningforfun · 21/07/2014 10:58

Pink This is not my opinion but the opinion of all of my single with kids friends. (I have more than 10 of them).
I personally was married at 17 and am still married 30+ years later.
I would say that most of my single friends were married, had children and divorced by the time they were 25 and still managed to forge out some amazing careers.

angeltulips · 21/07/2014 11:06

Why are you all assuming everyone the OP is trying to date has kids? I know loads of single women in their mid-late 30s who don't have children/have not been married - and today's stats say that a third or so of women will NEVER have children so there must be loads around. Especially if he's dating intelligent strong women - many of those types will have careers rather than being single mothers working part time. (See what I did there?!)

V patronising to assume that if you don't have children you are in some way defective.

Anarchy99 · 21/07/2014 11:10

I am child-free and have been celibate for nearly 14 years (when I was 30) but before I became celibate the longest relationships I had only lasted 18 months or so. After the last one broke up, I struggled to find a man who didn't have ex-partner/ex-wife who was a potential issue, or children etc. I don't know if that is the "baggage" that OP is referring to, but I ended up giving up, having a series of ONS, then making the decision to be celibate.

My only regret is that I didn't make the decision 15 years previously.