i feel very disappointed in my parents.

[misdee]

now, then. even though there is a lot going on in my life and i need support i dont ask my parents to do that much really. my mum is VAd trained but hasnt completed her papaerwork so cant sit with peter, my dad wont be trained as says he'd panic.

so weeks ago, i make arrngments with my parents to pick up dd1+2 from school and nursery (right next door to each other) as dd3 has eye clinic which will run into school run time. last night my mum called and said they were going away overnight but would be back in the morning so pick up not a problem.

but this morning, they called and asked if anyone else can do it as they want to stay on longer. so i end up calling people and no-one can do it. so my parents are having to come back.

this isnt the first time this has happened. dd2 had hearing tests done a couple of months ago, i asked if they would have dd3 for a few hours. they called the night before and said they wree going away, and could sparkly do it.

it keeps happening. i am getting very fed up with it. and i know they are going to moaning about having to come back today.

Great post catsmother. Having read the whole thread and then re-read Misdee's first paragraph of the post, I think you have it in a nutshell with your summing up of these grandparents 'distancing themselves' from a situation they can't quite handle.

I feel for you, Misdee. It would be easier if they just admitted that they find this too much, or whatever it is, rather than promise and let you down. Particularly as this has happened before It is easy to assume that grandparents may be freer to help out because they don't have the responsibilities of children themselves as Sparklygothcat does. I have felt just the same in the past too. My mother told me outright not to expect her to help out when I went back to work after the birth of ds1. She never even asked WHY I had to go back to work (=financial necessity). I was too independent to explain and had never asked for any help to be forthcoming either - I knew better. The result was that I never asked for any childcare help unless I was really between a rock and hard place, and that was rare. The challenges in my life are different from yours, but amounted to a similar situation - somedays it is just SO HARD, isn't it? I live in a rural location and childminders are like hens teeth.

If your mother really wanted to help you, she would have completed that paperwork. Something about the responsibility frightens her, maybe? Her honesty about this would be more helpful to you. There are other people somewhere near who can help, keep looking for them - I think that is going to give you more peace of mind when the next appointement dilemma comes around. All the best for a harmonious solution. Thinking of you.

Catsmother

I take my hat off to you, your post is one of the best I have ever read on the subject of parents and lack of support/help. A subject that is also close to my heart. I have many sympathies with Misdee.

you know catsmother you're right

we often wonder if it is dd's cerebral palsy which my inlaws are uneasy with when we complain they are not helping

to those who said 'they have had their kids, sort out another arrnagment' or however they put this. THIS APPOINTMENT WAS MADE MONTHS AGO AND THE ARRNAGEMENT FOR MY PARENTS TO COLLECT THE OLDER 2 FROM SCHOOL WAS AMDE WEEKS AGO, NOT DAYS AGO. My parents called last night to say they were going away for the day possibly overnight, but WOULD be back to collect the older two so dont worry. THEN they called me this morning to say they wanted to stay on.

As it is, they came back in time to colelct the older 2, and i was at the eye clinic for 3 bloody hours as one of the docs didnt show up for 45 mins, which meant ti missed the 2nd appointment and then had to wait to see the consultant.

I will be talking to the CM over the rd about emergnecy care, obvuiously if she is full, then i dont know what to do. dd2 is a problem with regards to childcare arrangments, due to her speech and behaviour problems.

I do feel resentful that they try and back out at the last minute all the time lately. it has become a bigger problem recently. I cant ask dh parents as they work full time, my other sister is on holidays, and my brother works eccentric hours. My neighbours are elderly and/or disabled.

I dont ask my parents to take my kdis everyu day, every week or even every month. dh parents willingly take the older two some saturdays for days out, and dd1 will stay overnight there.

i did try and change the appointment but appointments have to be in school hours ideally and within peters carers hours. if i had taklen him today we would've have had to leave withoutseeing the consultant as he would've ran out of batteries. , and next week i will just take all 3 girls with me to allergy clinic, we will be the first ones in.

Oh misdee, I think its so sad that your parents have turned into tenagers on you when you really need them to be parents at the moment.

Anyone who said "they've had their children" will presumably be happy to leave their children in the lurch in 20 years time when they most need help then?

Anyway - don't want to stir things up any further, I would be upset if my mum didn't put herself out for me in your position and even more upset if she contributed to the problem (which your are doing by backing out at the last minute).

All that is going to happen is that you will gradually develop a different support structure away from your parents which is sad, both for them and you.

i cant ask them again. i just cant

its not just the one time. its happened a lot recently.

Hmmm.
They have had their children, and misdee is one of them.
Her situation is extreme and help, once offered, should not be withdrawn at the last minute. I can completely understand them not wanting to complete the VAD training. That's a big responsibility. I can understand that they want to get away and have a break. I just know that my mum would drop everything if we were in a similar situation. And has dropped everything to help us out before.

i understand them wanting a break, but i dont udnerstand them calling me the morning after telling me the night before that they would be back and not to worry. they had to comer back today anway as they had left their dog at home, and didnt have long term arrangements to get hinm looked after, plus apparently my dad has an op tomorrow. they didnt tell me this till i got back from clinic.

i am just fed up of it. i hate asking for help,. seems like i shouldnt.

Misdee, it was very unfair of your parents to do this to you today. Your life is obviously full of stress and responsibility already without them adding to it.

I hope you are able to find a Childminder who can be a reliable back up as appointments are a regular feature of your life by the sound of things.

It isn't as though you are expecting unreasonable things of them, but they are just not willing to be committed to even the occasional arrangement, are they?

I understand where you are coming from on this, as I would only ask my mother if there was a massive problem and I couldn't be in two places at once. She even said to me once, before any of the grandchildren were born, that she had had enough of raising the four of us, not to expect her to do any childcare when it came to our kids. Well, at least I knew where I stood with that.

its a good bloody job i turned down the casting for tomorrow anyway.

What would happen if you fronted them about this ? ....... I know you've already said there'd be a row and I understand you don't want that, but would it be worth it just so everything is got out in the open once and for all (as this isn't the 1st time they've let you down).

I'd simply want to know why they've agreed to a few, irregular requests for help ..... then back track at the very last moment, making you feel guilty and messing things up on a practical front.

That simply isn't fair - even if you disregard for a moment the issue of your hurt and disappointment at the lack of understanding from your own parents.

i dont know catsmother, i think they just get so caught up in their own world and forget that sometimes i need them.

right now, it wouldnt be worth the row.

you said your dad has an op tomorrow-what for? is it something serious?
could this be behind their actions? they trying to make hay while the sun shines? if your dad is ill or is going to be laid up then maybe their minds are completely elsewhere?
maybe they didn't tell you because you have enough to worry about?

he had severa hernia ops last year/year before, and they have caused nerve damage, and they are opening him up to investigate whats gone on, and to see if they can stop his pains.

Oh dear. Maybe this isn't the best time to vent on them, then, but I think you really need to tell them how you're feeling once your dad's recovered.

misdee - I'm moving near you next month - i'll be happy to help out if you need an extra pair of hands.