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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i feel very disappointed in my parents.

67 replies

misdee · 13/09/2006 10:30

now, then. even though there is a lot going on in my life and i need support i dont ask my parents to do that much really. my mum is VAd trained but hasnt completed her papaerwork so cant sit with peter, my dad wont be trained as says he'd panic.

so weeks ago, i make arrngments with my parents to pick up dd1+2 from school and nursery (right next door to each other) as dd3 has eye clinic which will run into school run time. last night my mum called and said they were going away overnight but would be back in the morning so pick up not a problem.

but this morning, they called and asked if anyone else can do it as they want to stay on longer. so i end up calling people and no-one can do it. so my parents are having to come back.

this isnt the first time this has happened. dd2 had hearing tests done a couple of months ago, i asked if they would have dd3 for a few hours. they called the night before and said they wree going away, and could sparkly do it.

it keeps happening. i am getting very fed up with it. and i know they are going to moaning about having to come back today.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/09/2006 11:30

Fair enought. When you see the opthalmologist explain anyway though. (work in a hospital reception and patients always get what they want f they speak directly to the consultant).

Original poster

misdee · 13/09/2006 11:34

they are good there and went through loads of appointments to get me the 2 on one day, dd3 will need the eye drops after the optomologist appointment., so we have about 20mins between to give them time to work (they didnt work last time).

OP posts:

SparklyGothKat · 13/09/2006 12:11

I'm really sorry I couldn;t help today Misdee, just not possible. I would have if I could, you know that, don;t you?

Original poster

misdee · 13/09/2006 12:26

YES IO KNOW THAT. oops. ust feel a tad annoyed and disappointed. am hoping they dont meet any roadworks on the way back as they hadnt left at 12 when i called them

OP posts:

KTeepee · 13/09/2006 12:27

Have to say I would be very cross if my parents did this to me....

Are there any parents at the school/nursery who could help out with things like this? My family all live far away and there are quite a few families I know locally in a similar position so we all try to help each other out when we can. You may feel awkward about asking, if you feel you can't reciprocate the favour right now, but I'm sure if other people knew your predicament they would be more than happy to help out

Original poster

misdee · 13/09/2006 12:29

there arem, but its dd2 first full afternoon ast nursery so would rather someone she knows well collects her IYKWIM.

OP posts:

nailpolish · 13/09/2006 12:29

i would stress that, you need to get professional help with childcare. asking people as a favour is neither fair nor reliable. ever. whether they are your parents or not.

contact emergency mums or something, whatever its called in your area

Original poster

misdee · 13/09/2006 12:31

i am going to have a chat with the childminder over the rd. she has said she'd take the kdis in emergencies before. and dd2 likes her ds1.

OP posts:

alexsmum · 13/09/2006 12:47

sparklygothkat-could you have a word with your mum and dad? so misdee doesn't end up having a row?

SparklyGothKat · 13/09/2006 13:26

Alexsmun, I would but they will argue with me and I don't fancy a row either... as it is I am getting it in both ears anyway....

themoon66 · 13/09/2006 13:32

Once in 10 years I asked my mum to look after DD for a couple of hours so me and DH could go to a joint appointment.

My mum said... no, you shouldn't have had kids if you expect other people to take them off your hands!'

That was me told... never asked her again.

nailpolish · 13/09/2006 13:37

ill probably get lashed for this, but, misdee, i think you are being a little unfair on your parents expecting them to be there to help out with you

they are obviously feeling pressured, this will make them back off even more

have more than 'just a chat' with the cm across the road

coderoo · 13/09/2006 14:04

id have chenged the ppointement or paid a cm fo an hour

think they can have holidays cant they
they arent THEIr kdis

Cappuccino · 13/09/2006 14:14

have to disagree with nailpolish and cod

they're your parents, ffs. I have a similar thing (though not so severe) with my in-laws - they don't seem to get that people looking after kids with SN, not to mention having a spouse with health problems, find it a little bit harder to manage so, you know, a bit of help is a bit more necessary and not as easy to shrug off

SparklyGothKat · 13/09/2006 14:15

I did suggest that Misdee change the appointment too.

badkarma · 13/09/2006 14:29

Sorry, I can't see how asking for help every now and again is bad. They are the childrens grandparents!! Fair enough my mum can't drive and we don't live near them, but at a drop of a hat my mum will do anything she can to help us out!

Is there any way you can call the clinic and explain, get it changed to tomorrow am and dd won't need picked up. Tensions will build until there is an awful row, don't let resentment build. SGK have you settled in your new home?

hairymclary · 13/09/2006 14:35

I agree it is out of order. Of course misdee wouldn't/shouldn't expect her parents to help out whenever she wants them to, but this was agreed weeks in advance.
They said they would do it and then made a fuss over it.

I wouldn't rely on them if they have a track record of it tbh. I would find out if there are any other mums who could have the kids after school for you, or investigate that childminder

Cappuccino · 13/09/2006 14:37

can you get any help from social services

I mean I know when I tried to get help lifting dd1 in case I had to have a c-secion for dd2's birth they were about as useful as a hanky

but just wondering

NannyStar · 13/09/2006 14:38

I think this is unacceptable behaviour from misdee's parents. She has had so much on her plate and aren't family supposed to help out at this time? They knew in advance and it is so unfair of them to pull out at the very last minute.

bundle · 13/09/2006 14:40

the timing is pretty bad. they shouldn't agree if they aren't 100% about doing it, I can sort of relate to both sides.

SparklyGothKat · 13/09/2006 14:49

yes all settled in
I don;t rely on my parents because of their track record with Misdee, and I have been lucky that if I do need them (going up to GOS etc) they do help. I think its because I only need them once every 6 months, and its for a major appointment, where as they see this as not as inportant IYSWIM

sunchowder · 13/09/2006 14:50

I probably shouldn't even add this, both of my parents have passed away and my DH's Dad lives in the UK. We have no family here that can support us. It would be wonderful Misdee if your parents wanted to help and were more "in tune" with your life and what happens when they make a commitment and then change their minds when they are in the moment itself. It makes sense to be as independent as you can, it sounds like you have a good option to use the lady across the street. Try not to be hurt about it if you can. Your parents have raised their children and it is icing on the cake if they want to be involved, supportive and sensitive to your circumstance. I know that most won't agree with me and I am sorry to be in the minority. When your parents give selflessly it is a beautiful thing--when there is resistance, it hurts. If you know the pattern, take care to be independent and try to appreciate whatever level of support they can give to you. I know it is tough.

nailpolish · 13/09/2006 14:53

you put it so much better than me sunchowder

sunchowder · 13/09/2006 15:04

Thanks NP, I just don't want to upset Misdee and hope that I haven't.

catsmother · 13/09/2006 15:20

I also think this sounds very selfish and thoughtless. I certainly don't get the impression that Misdee expects her parents to help out, but, having asked them, what she's upset about is the guilt trip they then lay on her and/or their attempts to wriggle out of a pre-agreed arrangement by asking if someone else can help etc.

Quite possibly, it sounds like they don't want to help at all, but don't know how to say "no". They then backtrack - via the end of a phone by the sounds of it, which, to my mind, is far worse than dcelining to help in the 1st place. It's that behaviour which is unfair and places extra pressure on Misdee.

Whether or not parents should help is another matter. In an ideal world, it'd be great if families were always there for each other but some people just aren't like that and have a "you made your bed (even if you didn't) you lie in it" attitude. I have been desperate for help as a single mum in the past (juggling work, illness, lack of childcare, needing to be several places at once), yet my mum would never ever offer any - even though, the maximum no. of times I would have been desperate enough to try and approach her probably amounted to around a dozen in sixteen years. In the end, I gave up telling her about my life and that of her grandchild, as the hurt I felt when she failed to sympathise or (very occasionally) help made me so upset.

But that was within an average single family situation ....... I didn't have the worry of children with SN, or the huge ongoing worry and practicalities of also looking after a seriously ill partner. I must admit, that in those circumstances, I am rather agog that it seems beyond your parents (plural what's more, so they can share the effort) to look after two of their grandchildren for what, a few hours ?

I honestly think that with my mum, she simply didn't (and doesn't) know how to deal with anything which isn't quite "right". Me being a single mum, having an abusive relationship, losing my home at one stage (by effectively being conned by my then husband) - and all the resultant effects of all of that, wasn't what my mum was used to. She doesn't do emotion, and therefore, I believe she failed to help me when she could have done (the very odd day of childcare, or collection from school) because me asking for help, was, in her eyes, symptomatic of all the trouble I'd "got myself into" in her eyes and she didn't want to be involved.

Misdee, I know your situation is different, but you still need help. I just wondered if somehow your parents, like I think my mum did/does, are actively trying to distance themselves from a situation they find frightening, or outside their experience. By not helping, they can pretend it doesn't exist. On the other hand, I suppose they could just literally be selfish and feel resentful at their retirement being "spoilt" by the demands of their family.

I don't know if that makes sense, and I apologise if I've offended you in my thoughts about your parents ...... I'm simply trying to make sense of this very hurtful attitude they appear to have. I certainly don't want to try and excuse them though ........ after all, from what you've written, it doesn't sound like you expect a lot from them, and most people would want to help out their nearest and dearest if they were as pressured as you are. It's not even as if you're asking them to help so you can go out on the town.

Practically though, like the others have said, I think for your own peace of mind you will have to try and leave them out of any help needed. A) It always seems to come with the cost of you being made to feel "guilty" and B) You can't trust them to keep their word. Accepting their "help" if it is grudging and unreliable will only create more problems in the long run.

I really feel for you - bloody parents.

Listen, I hope you don't think this is "odd" or anything but I live in North Herts and am a SAHM at the moment with an almost 3 year old. Whether or not you think I could ever be of any help, whether you'd want to trust me (obviously we can meet up, call whatever), can I just say that if there is anything I could help with, I wouldn't mind you asking (even if it's practical stuff for example, like picking things up). Can't guarantee I could always help but you'll get a straight answer. Anyway, the offer's there.

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