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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God, what will happen with my life?!

33 replies

chestnut100 · 19/07/2014 21:12

I don't know why I'm posting, I just feel sad and lonely. I ended my marriage about a year ago. I was desperately unhappy. My ex was completely emotionally unavailable to me and in many ways, being lonely in my marriage was much worse than being lonely, alone, if that makes sense. I was always desperate for a scrap of attention or love, and when it never came, my heart broke a little more each time.

But now, a year on, all I can think is that I'm never going to have a good life again. I have two small children who are shunted off to nursery a lot (as I'm back at uni trying to build a new career; gave up the first one to support husband in his as we moved around a lot for his work). They go to his alternate weekends. He has the cash to do wonderful activities in the time he has with them and generally doesn't have to be the day to day patent who nags them, tells them off etc. I am terrified they will grow up loving him so much more.

I can't imagine anyone will ever want to settle down with me with my two beautiful, but small and demanding, little ones.

I feel so sad. I can't see where I go from here

OP posts:
eggnut · 19/07/2014 21:21

I am so sorry. I know this must be incredibly hard. I think it is natural to feel horrible after the breakup of any marriage, no matter what good reasons you had for ending it.

Your children will love you. They may complain about the (necessary) nagging, but they will understand deep down what it is for and what you mean to them and how you love them. It is easy to act less loving toward the parent who is the "safest" (most available) for them emotionally.

Have you ever heard of something called MoodGYM? It is an interactive web module designed to help you combat negative thoughts and depression. I'm just starting to plow through it for myself and don't know yet if I think it's really going to help or not, but it's free and has been recommended to me by a GP. moodgym.anu.edu.au and you have to register an account but not pay. It might help just a little bit if you have time to look at it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2014 21:24

Sorry you're having a bad patch. I'm sure it's a headache managing your studies and two young children. Difficult to find a lot of time outside of that to socialise I expect, especially if money is short. Just on that one... do you get a fair financial contribution towards the DCs that he has so much cash and you don't. Also, why does he only look after them at weekends? If they're at nursery, he should be pulling his weight with the weekdays, surely?

That aside, what you need now are real friends rather than worrying too much about finding someone to settle down with. We all need companionship, fun and affection but don't be in too much of a rush to jump back into relationships. Find your feet first and get your new career going. With a solid base you'll come at relationships from a stronger perspective than if you're feeling lonely and needy.

Original poster
chestnut100 · 19/07/2014 21:26

Thanks egg. I will have a look at that. I never ever imagined this would be my life. I did not want this for my kids, but equally I realised that if my daughter in years to come told me she felt the way I did in a marriage, I would be distraught.

I'm doing all the right things; getting back into a stable career, built a beautiful home for the kids. But non of it feels "real". I just want to be happy. But I think it's highly unlikely there are many guys who would want to be with a mother of two toddlers!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2014 21:35

Give it more time to feel real. How long of your adult life have you been properly independent compared with the amount of time you've been in a relationship? Give it more time and you'll be so happy with your life, your beautiful home, your achievements, your career and your lovely DDs that you'll look some potential guy up and down a few times and think... nahh..... I'm not risking any of this for some stupid bloke. :)

Original poster
chestnut100 · 19/07/2014 21:38

Thanks cogito. He pays me the minimum he can get away with. He is able to hide lots of his money, long story. He lives some distance away so weekends are the only option. I do manage financially, can't complain in that respect.

I do have lots of lovely friends, but all married with small children. Very rare we have the opportunity to socialise. Everyone at uni is much younger. I just can't imagine my life ever being back on track. I feel like I'm a disappointment to everyone

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/07/2014 21:38

My mum was the single mother of two small children (5 and 3) when she met and married my beloved step-father. They've been together for over 35 years!

Children don't love the parent who can spend cash but not love. Not when it matters. And in any case, there's nothing you can do about it - you can't suddenly go and earn a load of money, you're doing what you can to earn more in the future.

You're doing the best you can - keep on going. As you finish uni and transition back to work I'll think you'll feel less trapped in a bubble. Maybe you meet someone, maybe you don't. Only you can decide if you're happy, and that doesn't depend on having a man.

ifailatlife · 19/07/2014 21:43

You seem to be a little bit depressed. You also seem to have the thinking that you need to be in a relationship with a man in order to be happy. This is wrong.

First of all, try to build up some self worth. As I mentioned before, you seem a little depressed when in fact, you have a lot to be happy about. Yeah, your marriage didn't go great, but it produced two children who you appear to be a great mum to. You are going to university, which shows that you're smart and also a great mother.

Having two young kids shouldn't be a burden with men looking for a partner, but unfortunately, being depressed is. With happiness comes confidence, which then leads to attractiveness.

You say that your ex has the kids every other weekend. Maybe during that time, you should find a hobby or interest. Doing productive things leads to an increase in self-worth. Even something like a blog can lead to meeting like minded people and striking up some good friendships with people. Joining a gym and exercising regularly can make you feel good about yourself too.

It might seem like a hard situation at the moment, but you've still got many years ahead. And being brought up by a single mum and a rich dad that I saw on weekends - trust me, when kids get to a certain age, they will appreciate everything you've done for them far more - even, and probably even more so, nagging. They'll know you were only doing this kind of thing because you love them and want them to turn out to be good people.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2014 21:48

I'm the parent that stayed'

I'm a lone parent and, whenever I feel I'm a disappointment, I summon up that phrase and remind myself that, even if I get it wrong from time to time, I'm a bloody hero just for staying! You're very welcome to borrow it to get you through your bad patch.

frames · 19/07/2014 21:54

I felt a bit like you do, a year after leaving ex h. Its now been 3 1\2 for me. At some point I turned a corner, and leaving was the best thing, life seemed great. I cant tell you how I got to that point, I guess time lots of time makes it better. Just keeping going, you are being so strong.

Original poster
chestnut100 · 19/07/2014 21:58

Thanks everyone, in so touched anyone had bothered to reply. I do have rubbish self esteem and I don't really know why, think probably my bloody marriage. I've achieved highly in all I've ever done and am also achieving very highly on my current degree program. I just feel a bit of a failure, somehow

OP posts:
ifailatlife · 19/07/2014 22:00

Wanna swap usernames? lol

Iflyaway · 19/07/2014 22:01

"I feel I, m a disappointment to everyone".

Sweetheart, the only people who matter are you and DCs in the grand scheme of things.

And it sounds like you are doing brilliantly.

Yes, loneliness is also part of life but better to be alone than in a shit relationship. That must be the loneliest of all...At least you can make your own decisions!

lonely on your own

Iflyaway · 19/07/2014 22:02

need an edit button!

Original poster
chestnut100 · 19/07/2014 22:04

It's so easy to forget the bad stuff that happened on a daily basis and remember the occasional good stuff. I do know that I am far better alone than with someone who made me feel that way.

I am just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for the best.

I'm so touched by everyone's kindness

OP posts:
YolandiFuckinVisser · 19/07/2014 22:06

I remember feeling exactly that way. It gets better, really it does. You are doing the best you can for your dc. Nursery/childminders/etc are great for many children. It might not be what you originally had in mind for them but it's not hurting them. Far better for them to have a strong single mum than an unhappy household with both parents. My xh used to do the fun weekends thing too. 10 years down the line and he doesn't even live on the same continent, never sees his son and contributes nothing (not even financially).

Look after you and your dc, don't worry about future relationships. You sound like you're having a hard time atm, but it will get better, promise! Stay strong.

tribpot · 19/07/2014 22:18

The only thing you've 'failed' at is transforming your husband - and no-one can make another adult into a decent human being. He made his choices, you made yours. Remember the quote "I am not made or unmade by the things which happen to me but by my reaction to them."

Keeping going - onwards and upwards.

Original poster
chestnut100 · 19/07/2014 22:22

God you are an inspiring lot! Tomorrow is a new day! Thank you all.

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 20/07/2014 08:13

You are the inspiration Chesnut. It takes guts to leave a miserable marriage. You are at Uni, bringing up two children virtually on your own, what! You deserve a medal. Yes you sound a little sad but generally you are working through a practical plan and you have a goal. Lots don't! This phase of your life will pass and your children WILL love you. Just be as kind and patient to them as you can. Warmth counts far more than extravagant gifts. Children are not stupid they can feel disinterest. Their emotional well being depends on you. Most of all be kind to yourself. You are valuable and grounded , and deserve to be happy. XX

Original poster
chestnut100 · 20/07/2014 09:48

Thanks to everyone that has taken the time to post. I feel a little better today, although not an inspiration! I sometimes feel that it was very selfish of me not to stay in the relationship in respect of my kids. However awful a husband he was to me, he was a good dad to them and could have provided a life to all of us that was at least financially more stable than now. But, it is done now, and I am grateful each day that I don't have to feel constant hurt and rejection.

So I've taken a few small steps and got in touch with three old friends to suggest a coffee/lunch, with the sim of building up a life for me. I'm going to keep my eye out for a Leeds MN meet up also, and start to look forwards to year 2 at uni!

Thank you all for helping me find a few positives and get focused

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2014 09:57

If he really was a good Dad he'd be contributing the maximum he could towards his DDs' upbringing, not the minimum. Play Happy Families at the weekends but keeping his DCs short doesn't make him a good Dad.

JackAndGills · 20/07/2014 10:00

You sound very down OP and your children will pick upon this. You feel that your time with them is spent nagging and telling them off.

This isn't a criticism, but could you try to be more positive towards them and towards yourself? Take some pleasure in your time with them - do some baking together or whatever floats your boat?

The fact that your XP spends money on them means nothing. You spend time with them - make that time fun and loving.

Original poster
chestnut100 · 20/07/2014 10:33

I do have lots of fun with them and we do things together a the time. But ultimately I'm the one who has to deal with the tantrums and rule making, hurry them up in the mornings, drop them at nursery, make them eat their meals at the table...the day to day boring stuff that he doesn't have to do in the very short chunk of time he has them. I'm worried that time with daddy is all the fun stuff, and with me is the boring every day stuff Hmm

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2014 10:40

You're also the one that's there to comfort them when they're sick or have a nightmare, the one that listens to what they did that day when they get back from nursery or admires their paintings .... I don't want to feed the idea that it's a competition, but a man that you described originally as 'emotionally unavailable' could be quite limited on the types of things that children really connect with.

StealthPolarBear · 20/07/2014 10:42

Chestnut you're the parent. He just plays at being the parent.
And being a parent is a good thing!

rockpink · 20/07/2014 10:45

That MoodGym looks interesting doesn't it?
I'll try it if you will, I'm in the exact same boat as you. It's time to move on and let go of all the crap that weighs you down honey!!
You deserve to be happy xx