Sexting, Unfaithfulness and Family Values

[urbansmash]

Hi,

I'm 34 years old and my partner is 23. We've been together for 3 years and have a son together who will soon be 2.

My wife has fallen out of love with me, due to boredom and general annoyance of the mundane day-to-day grind of life. She gets depressed and is not responsive to going out together to have fun.

She has been unfaithful many times, usually via graphic sexting (hardcore pictures and videos) which have left me devastated.

I have found out by cyber-stalking her and bugging her phone, which is a behaviour of mine that I feel terrible about.

However, this constant cycle of discovery, confrontation, talking and making-up is getting worse and worse every time it happens.

The latest instance, disturbed the neighbours, the police were called, I threw my wife out of the house, etc.

All my friends and family have strongly advised that I should leave her, that she is a nasty piece of work.

However, I love her, I'm addicted to her, I'm committed to my vows and I strongly do not wish to break up my family... I want my son to grow up with his mummy and daddy living together.

In order to do this happily, I need to handle, manage and control my jealousy.

I also need to be able to handle a young, hot tempered and unfaithful spouse who I choose to stay with.

I would like to work on the relationship.

It is my hope that she will grow out of it or that in some way, through honourable and admirable action, she may fall back in love with me and respect me.

We have decided to live apart for a while until things cool down. She's in the family home with our son. I'm staying with relatives.

Any ideas please?

How did you bug her phone?

Cyber stalking is illegal, you do know that?

So is bugging her phone.

Your relationship is over. Concentrate on being a great and involved father.

What is cyber stalking and why is it illegal? I ask because I fear my natural curiosity might be leading me into doing it...

Where to start? She is behaving dreadfully, you are behaving dreadfully. There is no future in this relationship. You decided to get involved with a 20 year old when you were in your 30s. She had a child at 21. She obviously wasn't ready to be a wife and mother and at past 30 you should have had an inkling of that.

She probably will 'grow out of it' but not with you. Concentrate on being a good father and co-parent and stop the drama. BTW, I hope that throwing your wife out and the Police being called did not involve physical violence... You already stepped over the line by illegally monitoring her devices.

Malicious Communications Act 1998, plus any of the protection from harassment laws.

Sorry I'm wrong. 1988 - here - www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1988/27

CPS guidelines here : www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/

A good relationship is not about 'handling' people. You can't hope to manage her behaviour - only she can be responsible for her choices - and, if you think you can suppress your natural emotions just because you want to keep to some vows, then you're heading for a fall. If you can't trust the person you're with, end the relationship .... don't stoop to stalking them or turning into the type of people that have the police knocking on the door.

I'm glad you're taking time apart for the sake of your DS. Please get some legal advice now because I don't think any amount of 'honourable and admirable actions' (whatever that might be) are going to help here.

Also here from cyber-rights www.cyber-rights.org/documents/stalking_article.pdf

have you considered an open relationship

Sadly, you may wish that your DS grows up in a family with a mum and a dad but trying to achieve this may end up doing him more harm than good. How much of this do you think he is witnessing?

Wow, you guys are harsh on Mr Urban!

If he were a woman, might we ENCOURAGE him to cyberstalk to get evidence for the divorce? And we'd be saying to chuck the cheater out of the house and keep the house and kid!

Firstly, I am so sorry this happened to you.

Take some time to think about what you REALLY want.

I admire your commitment to your wedding vows. You sound like the kind of guy many of us would like to meet! HOWEVER, you say nothing about HER being committed to being in the relationship. you cannot "work on" a relationship she has checked out of.

Is this all just her way of forcing YOU to end it?

Don't be a doormat. She'll treat you worse and worse. She will lose ALL respect for you.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

PS: your jealousy is entirely natural.
What if she decides to get physical with these guys? Do you want another baby? How could you be sure who the father is?

You are entitled to your boundaries. Either you put up with her putting herself above your needs or you begin to value yourself and your needs as she should be.

If this was a woman there is no way in hell that anyone would be posting links about cyber crimes.
I have read endless threads where women share methods of catching their OH half out. Where are all the usual people saying "collect all the info you can, take screen shots, get copies of all your bank statements, passports for the children, get the evidence and then LTB" etc?

Seriously what is the difference here?!

OP, there seriously is nothing that you can do. You aren't in control of her sexting and you have no control over stopping it. The only control you have is whether you live with it.

She's obviously seeing how far she can push you. She's check out of your relationship. There's a similar age gap between me and DH and he didn't have to wait for me to grow up. He was the one for me so I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise it. Your wife doesn't feel this way unfortunately.

You really need to concentrate on yourself and your child. Your child needs your efforts and understanding much more than your wife does. She sounds like a terrible immoral role model. You need to counter that by being an amazing parent.

Don't put up with this treatment. It's disrespectful and demeaning to all involved. You can't make someone put you first without their will or duress.

I hope you find some strength whilst you are apart. Please make sure you see your child everyday.

I disagree jealousy is not natural, its socially sanctioned.

If you want a marriage with a committed honest equal, forget it, unless; you reach some agreement where she does her thing, or she decides to reign in the sexting/flirting/cheating. There is no compromise to be had. Its either her way, your way or the highway.

Getting evidence of bank statements and finances and passports is incomparable to bugging someone's phone and cyber stalking!!

One is completely legal - making copies of joint assets to protect against potential fraud further down the line, to prevent children being taken abroad where they would not be returned etc. Its preventative.

The other is illegal cyber stalking and BUGGING a phone. Unless the op is exaggerating then this goes far beyond looking at someone's text messages or emails on one occasion and finding something. This would be a consistent long term monitoring of a spouses communications. With everyone! There's nothing preventative in that. Its aggressive and controlling.

To the op - I am sorry that you are in a very bad relationship, but your partner is not a dog that you can train. It sounds like you think if you step back then the silly little girl will come to her senses and grow up and appreciate you, but that isn't going to happen. You are both quite clearly miserable together.this is not a healthy atmosphere for your child to grow up in.

One of you needs to take the step into the unknown and have a trial separation to see whether it would be better to be amicable co parents rather than parents who hate each other.

It seems like each of you is like poisoning to the other. I'm sorry but I honestly think there is no hope here.

Marriage vows are bonds which draw people closer together. They should never be considered shackles that bind you.

Having read your post i cannot think why you would think there was any hope of 'hanging on to her' Hanging on is not love. Loving someone needs to be reciprocated in order to go forward. She has already been horribly unfaithful and you don't trust her and spie on her. I think the only thing to do is to make constructive plans to separate, in a dignified manner. Your baby deserves to be brought up by adults, not in the middle of a war zone. My sympathy goes out to you and this immature woman, but most of all it goes to your dear baby, who is just at the start of its life and is wholly dependant upon you and your wife for its emotional well being. Give it a chance.

You're flogging a dead horse here, this relationship is O.V.E.R.
Bringing your child up within the dynamic that is present between you would be very damaging. You need to separate now and focus on being a good parent, not on your 'addiction' to this duplicitous, cheating unpleasant woman.

I second the idea that, if only for the sake of your child, you have to leave this marriage.

It is all very well being in love, but such scenes must be having a horrendous effect on your poor little son.

And how can you make a life with someone you clearly do not trust?

If he were a woman he would be encouraged to get all the evidence he could by any means.

Fact.

if shes fallen out of love with you within 3 years, youre just prolonging the inevitable. You cant learn to live with a 'hot tempered unfaithful young wife' it sounds like youre already fetishising what she does. You may be happy to be some sort of sad cuckold just to try and hang on a bit longer, but to me it sounds like she despises you and was never ready for marriage and a child, so maybe remember this next time you look for a partner with a big age difference.

if it was a woman in her mid 30s with a baby with an early 20s man, i think people would be thinking ffs, what did you expect

im sorry, ive been harsh.

She's cheated, you've lost trust. The relationship is already over. You need to focus on your son's best interests, not your wish to chase this drama.