Sexting, Unfaithfulness and Family Values

[urbansmash]

Hi,

I'm 34 years old and my partner is 23. We've been together for 3 years and have a son together who will soon be 2.

My wife has fallen out of love with me, due to boredom and general annoyance of the mundane day-to-day grind of life. She gets depressed and is not responsive to going out together to have fun.

She has been unfaithful many times, usually via graphic sexting (hardcore pictures and videos) which have left me devastated.

I have found out by cyber-stalking her and bugging her phone, which is a behaviour of mine that I feel terrible about.

However, this constant cycle of discovery, confrontation, talking and making-up is getting worse and worse every time it happens.

The latest instance, disturbed the neighbours, the police were called, I threw my wife out of the house, etc.

All my friends and family have strongly advised that I should leave her, that she is a nasty piece of work.

However, I love her, I'm addicted to her, I'm committed to my vows and I strongly do not wish to break up my family... I want my son to grow up with his mummy and daddy living together.

In order to do this happily, I need to handle, manage and control my jealousy.

I also need to be able to handle a young, hot tempered and unfaithful spouse who I choose to stay with.

I would like to work on the relationship.

It is my hope that she will grow out of it or that in some way, through honourable and admirable action, she may fall back in love with me and respect me.

We have decided to live apart for a while until things cool down. She's in the family home with our son. I'm staying with relatives.

Any ideas please?

Hi,

Following on from my previous post, my relationship with my partner has ended in terms that we have both moved on emotionally (well she clocked out ages ago, but it took my a while to accept it was over).

However, my problem is that she is still in the family home, where I am the sole tenant renting from the council. I am sleeping on my mum's sofa.

She has invited two of her female friends to be lodgers. They invite male friends into the home whenever they wish. Our 2 year old son is in the middle of all this.

I fear for my safety when visiting my own home, because I'm subject to confrontation and verbal abuse. I'm required to humble myself (bite my tongue etc) because last time there was a disturbance of the peace, I got arrested and was seen as the abuser (seemingly the only reason is because I am male and that females are seen as the victim).

I feel powerless, homeless. I do not wish to feel helpless. I want to do something. Assert myself in a positive constructive way. We both have rights to the matrimonial home, but my legally wedded wife would love to claim domestic abuse at the first opportunity she can as this would give her a lot of power under the law: I could be denied access to my property and child, she could get her visa extended or her leave to remain (without having me sign it as her spouse).

I want to avoid all confrontation. I want to protect myself from all false allegations. I want to do something positive and constructive (and stop feeling like a helpless victim).

I pay all the bills (rent, phone, TV, council tax, everything). She works full time and has her girlfriend look after our son. She promises to contribute, but always has an excuse why the bills go unpaid (until I pay them, after all everything's in my name… I don't want to cancel everything, because I want my home and my life back).

If I go home, it will be awkward and she'll be unreasonable, pick a fight and either walk all over me or claim abuse at the first sign of confrontation.

I cannot legally change the locks or throw her out of the family home as, because we're married, she has Home Rights under the Family Law Act 1996.

I have tried speaking to her as civilised person and she tells me that she is staying put until she gets her papers to stay in the UK (which could be up to a year… of me paying the rent but sleeping on my mum's sofa!!)

If I tell the home office the relationship has broken down, they could deport her, but she' likely to get her stay another way: either as the main carer of our child (a British Citizen) or she'll claim abuse (her girlfriends have also advised her to claim that I abuse my son so that she can get even more rights and victim support).

If I start divorce proceedings, she will no longer have Home Rights after the decree absolute, but the court has power to give her my tenancy and custody of our son.

I want my place back (I've been there for 10 years, of which 3 she has been there) and I want my son to grow up around good people and for me to have a relationship with him.

I'm sorry. What an awful situation.

You sound like you have considered your options carefully and seen a solicitor. Other than what you have said already did the solicitor suggest productive next steps?

Have you spoken to the council, got legal advice? Is there a housing charity who could provide support near you? Honestly, you need to move back in or risk losing your home IMO. Do you work?

Your wife is never going to have a light bulb moment. It's not going to happen.

On Monday please contact all the relevant companies and stop paying the bills. She isn't your responsibility anymore. She is taking advantage of you. And will continue to do so until you decide enough is enough.

If the house is rented then it doesn't really belong to either of you. I would think this makes things much more simple when it comes to separation, in opposed to a house owned/mortgaged.

I think you need to either kick her out (Maybe give her say 6 weeks to find somewhere else, if she will be taking the child and find somewhere else for yourself to stay in the meantime before claiming your house back. If you will be having residence of the child, then I would give her a week max to find somewhere else. Or if you don't want to kick her out then you need to find yourself alternative housing, and get this one transferred to her name and definitely stop paying for it once it's not in your name.

Either way - maybe worth getting this down in writing with a witness in case she doesn't actually leave.

I am sorry this has happened, however continuing to live together will only drag out the heartache and make things harder for all of you. And it's no environment for a child. As much as it's nice to have both parents together, if they do not have a good relationship then the effects can be very negative as this is what your showing your child that relationships are like. My parents still live together despite the fact they haven't even liked each other for about 20 years. And I think this had a huge inpact on why myself and my Sister both got into awful marriages that were never right - that's just the way we thought things always were. I got out of mine, but she is still stuck in hers, in a similar sort of rut as you - with the being treated badly but not wanting to leave.

4littleones it's not simple at all. OP had a secure tenancy, a home, then moved his xw in. She may be able to get him removed from his home. Losing a secure council/ha tenancy is a huge loss to people who can't afford to buy a home so it's hardly surprising he isn't keen to do so, especially as it was his home for years and the council would not help him find an alternative.

Sorry I missed the bit about it being a council property I think OP needs to give her notice to leave, and get this in writing.

Sounds like she marred you for her stay in the UK.

See a solicitor. Its complex and I dont think you should be relying on advice from people who are unqualified.

this seems very strange and complicated, however re you being arrested, the police see the abuser as the abuser. gender isn't the deciding factor.

rumred - not necessarily. I myself this week have seen how much somebody can turn things around to look like the victim is the enemy.

4- yes the police are far from perfect, fair point, from my work though I know women are arrested too for domestic abuse. like with anything there will be some who lie of course

Of course there wil be some. some who do, some who get away with it. just like anything really. doesn't necessarily mean the OP is lying