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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me understand MIL's comments and behaviour. Please

26 replies

ThePeoplePleaser · 19/07/2014 20:08

I'm not going to beat around the bush. I've name changed for this.

Mil makes comments whilst in front of family around our dc...it'll be like oh dc is so fat just like mummy. This happens every so often. Comments about my weight. I'm size 10/12 she's about a 14/16.

She was overheard by a friend making comments saying I should just get on with it basically and not expect help from dh after our dc was born. I had a terrible damaging birth and found it hard to walk afterwards as well as look after our other dc's. Dh chipped in as much as he could. She said nowt to my face but said to this other friend that she personally had no help with her dc's growing up, so why should I really.

She makes lots of comments about sil's makeup or clothes or how she is as a person. She seems to dislike people who make 'too' much of an effort with themselves as she sees it.

She said to me a minute after I told her about my pregnancy "no more tight jeans for you". And over the years quite a few other digs then afterwards says she's joking. Is she?? Dh does this too so I don't know if it's a dry sense of humour. I cannot read her at all.

Sorry it's so long I just needed to get that out. I love her and she's a wonderful gm but I cannot understand her.

OP posts:

eggnut · 19/07/2014 20:14

I don't care if she does think she's joking, those are mean-spirited and unfunny jokes if the person on the receiving end isn't already laughing about the same things. And mocking a child's weight is especially horrible. I don't think you're being oversensitive to think she's saying awful things, if that's what you're asking.

FryOneFatManic · 19/07/2014 20:17

I don't think she's joking. She's just being mean and nasty.

Bullies and nasty people often pretend they were joking to avoid being pulled up on it.

123upthere · 19/07/2014 20:21

Avoid her as much as possible. You are worth so much more than the words she carelessly throws your way. You have come through a lot from what you say about the damaging birth etc. Be strong and each day become stronger and more assertive.

Can you slowly reduce contact with her, or is she local to you? The minimum distance for me from my parents is 200-300 miles. I feel safer that way.

123upthere · 19/07/2014 20:23

It's really hard to deal with someone like that.

Best thing you can do is take a back seat on it all. Someone else will soon pull her up on it. Otherwise you can confront her either in front of a room full of relatives/friends who will support you, or take her aside and let her know, in no uncertain terms that you are onto her. Not sure which would work, but you do have options available to you as an adult. You don't have to be spoken to like this.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/07/2014 20:26

Your DH does this too? Doesn't that have more of an impact on your life than your MIL's bitchiness?

And it is bitchiness.

twizzleship · 19/07/2014 20:27

she's projecting all her hang ups and disappointments/regrets on to you - 'i didn't have x/y/z so why should she?' my older sis used to do this to me a lot. i found the direct approach didn't work with her as she would fob me off with 'you can't take a joke' 'you're too sensitive' and 'i'm sorry you feel that way'

every dig she has at you says a lot about how she feels about herself so use that to your advantage.

you could always try the direct approach with a MN favourite 'did you mean to be so rude?'

or you could try being passive aggressive in return (but without resorting to name calling), eg, if she mentions weight again, talk to her via your dc along the lines of 'no dc you are not fat, you are perfectly normal for your age/height/calling people names is not grown-up behaviour' etc

the only reason i can think of why some people behave like this is because they are feeling jealous/resentful/bitter about their own life choices and the way their life has panned out. they see you as 'having' things or 'being' something they wanted but don't feel they've had so take it out on you. it's silly immature behaviour i know but these feelings run strong in some people.

CinnamonPlums · 19/07/2014 20:39

Oh god it's just nastiness. I've had this from my own mother and the only way out if the is to completely ignore or to call it. With my mum I called it. "why are you projecting your insecurities on to me?" "do you actually want me or dd to become anorexic? " etc etc

Harder with Mil though

PedlarsSpanner · 19/07/2014 20:39

Try saying "I find it hurtful and upsetting when you make unkind comments about my appearance/about DCs. Please stop"

Especially effective in front of others

If she repeats, even at intervals, hold up your hand and say "I have asked you to stop making comments" and walk away

PedlarsSpanner · 19/07/2014 20:40

Omg your HUSBAND makes similar comments? Fucking hell.

Same stock phrase but jeez why would he be undermining his DW?

Original poster

ThePeoplePleaser · 19/07/2014 20:41

Yes I suppose it is bitching. She finds it hard to pay compliments as well. I remember her seeing my hair all newly straightened and it looked nice but she just said 'it needs a good trim'. I thought it was a bit off at the time.

Dh jokes about a lot and I know he's joking and has a dry sense of humour which is why he doesn't upset me. Mil had the dry sense of humour but I feel there's an agenda behind what she says. I guess it is what it is

OP posts:

Lucked · 19/07/2014 20:41

For the most part, particularly the stuff she says to other people I would ignore, she is only showing herself up.

I would interject a little about the fat comments directly by simply stating dc isn't fat and shrugging at the 'only a joke' return or reply with I can joke too and say "don't mind DGM, she has always had issues with her weight and is projecting them on you darling"

I think a lot of this is deniable so confrontation may be difficult. I am also unsure things are bad enough to distance the dc from her.

Original poster

ThePeoplePleaser · 19/07/2014 20:42

She's the type to turn around and honestly make you look like an idiot for not taking a 'joke'. So I don't feel the direct approach will work. I just want to understand what she gets out of this

OP posts:

Cocolepew · 19/07/2014 20:42

A great GM wouldn't call her GC fat.

Original poster

ThePeoplePleaser · 19/07/2014 20:43

Appreciate all the advice though it's nice to feel I'm not over sensitive

OP posts:

Original poster

ThePeoplePleaser · 19/07/2014 20:44

She calls her grand baby fat as a term of endearment. The baby is young so it's more a case of 'she's so chubby and sweet' etc. just to clarify a bit

OP posts:

Cocolepew · 19/07/2014 20:46

I think with people like this others either laugh or dont say anything because they don't want to be picked on next. So if she says 'oh it was just a joke' nobody will pull her up on it.
My MIL did the ' I'm only being honest' schtick. I told her to fuck up. It worked a treat tbh .

scarletforya · 19/07/2014 20:47

She sounds jealous of you.

JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 19/07/2014 20:54

My step mum is very similar to your MIL. There seems to be a hidden meaning behind everything she says and can never see the good in anything.

She drives me up the wall but i know underneath she is very insecure & doesn't know how to discuss her feelings frankly so it comes out as negativity.

Not trying to make excuses for your MIL as the things she is saying are awful but perhaps there is a reason behind it. Could you try writing her a letter?

EverythingCounts · 19/07/2014 20:54

So basically she's jealous of others who have what she didn't, and spiteful about it. Given that I assume you would pick your kids up on that kind of behaviour, I wouldn't let it pass for normal in your house just because it's her. There are options: 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all', 'Gosh, I normally only hear comments like that in the school playground' or even the simple observation 'That's not a nice thing to say'. She will probably try to argue that it's true. Just repeat your own line again. (And of course it's not true, especially the bit about a size 10-12person being fat!)

Meerka · 19/07/2014 21:03

Some people can laugh them off, but most people can't. And children really can't, it's nasty and potentially long term damaging given how much emphasis society and the media puts on weight. SHe doesn't need it from her GM too.

I think that you do need to confront her and ask her to stop making these comments - and to back it up by leaving if she doesn't respect your request, or else starts arguing. Keep calm and say "this isnt something I can argue about, please stop it now" and then leave. Then wait for her to contact you and if she suggests seeing your child, say "do you remember what we discussed last time?" Hold her to it.

Do you trust her not to make these comments to your daughter if you are not around, btw? If not, then you need to ensure they only meet when you are around

why does she make them, you asked. Imposible to know really without knowing her, but she just sounds like she doesn't keep her bitchy judgemental side under control.

123upthere · 19/07/2014 21:21

how often do you see her OP? This is the part that you CAN control

BrumMummy · 19/07/2014 21:47

As others have said, if she was a "wonderful grandmother" she would not call your baby fat, and she would not undermine her grandchild's mother by effectively calling her fat (and you are not at all "fat" at a 10-12!)

I don't think I could stop myself saying something v passive aggresive like "At least you're not as fat as granny eh?" to my baby tbh, although I'm obviously not advising you should do that (or saying that she is actually fat, I am much "fatter" than her! )

Seriously though I would say something to let her know you don't appreciate comments like that. If you just keep letting her say things like this and silently fuming about it you're going to keep feeling worse and worse. If she cares about your feelings she'll stop, and if she doesn't she's not a good MIL, OR a good grandmother, and I would seriously think about severely limiting my contact with her or at least giving as good as I got rather than just taking her comments.

BrumMummy · 19/07/2014 21:50

(And as others have said I would definitely consider limiting contact as GC get older - comments about weight from close relatives can be so damaging, particularly as she apparently considers a size 10 as "fat" - can you imagine her making similar comments to a size 10 16yo granddaughter?)

How will she make you look like an idiot if you say you don't appreciate the comments? Is it a way you could prepare for in advance by thinking of replies to things she might say?

Quitelikely · 19/07/2014 21:59

Hmmm it's obvious that's where dh got his sense of humour. You know he's joking and she probably is too but I think she's just trying to treat you the same as everyone else in the family. Some folk feel embarrassed about giving compliments and that's how it manifests itself by giving a little dig. I know someone like your mil and tbh she is harmless. It's who she is. You won't change her and the mil/dil relationship is a fragile one.

I wouldn't take it to heart.

What does dh say?

Aussiebean · 20/07/2014 01:24

If your dh is saying something similar to you in her hearing, she probably feels that she can.

It maybe an idea to start having some frank conversations with your dh about these jokes in front of your dc. A lot of children have body issues at a young age and researchers have linked it to how the parents perceive their own body and how they inturn project it to their children.

Then talk to him about telling his mother to cut out these jokes, because even though she might find it hilarious, you are not and it is beginning to affect your relationship with her. It's his mother, and there is nothing wrong with him asking her to respect his wife.

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