have you ever cut out a family member?

[mismylinford]

after many years of pain and hurt i have decided to cut off my dad and dh has decided to cut out his too.
not wanting to have our daughters exposed to our toxic parents.
anyone who has cut out a family member how did it work for you... did u regret it over time when they past away or have you never looked back? views and experiences please?

20+ yrs no contact with my mum. No regrets.

My two DBs and I have gone NC with our oldest brother and his wife back at the end of 2010 after years of using and abusing our parents (goes back to childhood), like SiL's family trying to get one of my DB done for attempted murder back in the 90s, DB acting like a arrogant little shit all through his life (since childhood), SiL and DB looking down at us because we didn't have as much money as them, no thank you's from either of them, despite my parents doing a hell of lot for them. SiL (and her family) acting like a two faced cow, attention seeking, acting up/making a scene at family wedding/funerals. (only married DB for our family's money)

It finally came to ahead when eldest bro brought my youngest brother to court for a minor offence for sticking up for DM, with SiL making up a heap of lies in court. DM and DF supported younger bro all the way and we went nc till mid 2013 when DF got quite sick and eventually died but youngest bro tried to make amends at DF's funeral but he acted like a complete arse. When DM went into a rest home, he made a big deal of us not selling the house right and ranted at DB, and didn't help with clearing out the house and then complains that he didn't get the spade he wanted (!!!)

I was the last family member to him and SiL at my great aunt's funeral back in february, we still keep in touch with their adult sons but we won't be attending nephew's wedding (thank god it's in Indonesia!). They can read about DM's death in the paper or a relative can them as we won't be.

Yes I've been NC with my narcissistic mother and my sister who is her enabler since 2007.

It really has been the best thing I ever did.

Toxic peas in a pod they are.

It's been a huge relief over the years

I've been NC with my parents for a number of years know. Very emotionally abusive and toxic people. Actually they cut me off first by refusing to come to my wedding. Backfired for them as it improved the day immeasurably and I realise how much better off I was without them!! Sporadic contact by them trying to wind me back in that I refused to engage with.

I found out a few months ago that my mother died last year. My father never told me or even wrote me a letter. I wasn't upset she died - I just felt resigned and sad that it was all such a waste, she could've helped herself but was so caught up with her demons.

I'm actually quite relieved she's passed away - it's the end of a very bad era.

No regrets here, none at all.

All 4 of their children have cut them off, I think it speaks volumes.

Mutual nc with sis and her arrogant, narcissistic bully of a husband since Feb. She is self absorbed and totally blind to his behaviour towards myself, dh and other family members. On fact he doesn't even talk to members of his own family for reasons he doesn't share. Sis also has a persecution complex and always had. I finally decided after another bout of their childish behaviour that I'd had enough. The lid blew off and I haven't seen her since, though I have tried to maintain the moral high ground by marking birthdays etc. We both have dc and have had limited contact for their sake. Tomorrow is my niece's birthday so I have to drop my ds over there for her party.

I haven't missed their shit, but I do feel bad that it makes things awkward for my family who all live close by. They know I'm normally the tolerant and forgiving one so they know I really must have had enough. If she knocked on my door to apologise and put things right I'd welcome it (though not bil) but I just don't have the will or desire to instigate it. Things have been far less complicated without them. Occasionally family members try to get me to instigate reconciliation but soon realise it's not on my radar. At all.

Mutual nc with sis and her arrogant, narcissistic bully of a husband since Feb. She is self absorbed and totally blind to his behaviour towards myself, dh and other family members. On fact he doesn't even talk to members of his own family for reasons he doesn't share. Sis also has a persecution complex and always had. I finally decided after another bout of their childish behaviour that I'd had enough. The lid blew off and I haven't seen her since, though I have tried to maintain the moral high ground by marking birthdays etc. We both have dc and have had limited contact for their sake. Tomorrow is my niece's birthday so I have to drop my ds over there for her party.

I haven't missed their shit, but I do feel bad that it makes things awkward for my family who all live close by. They know I'm normally the tolerant and forgiving one so they know I really must have had enough. If she knocked on my door to apologise and put things right I'd welcome it (though not bil) but I just don't have the will or desire to instigate it. Things have been far less complicated without them. Occasionally family members try to get me to instigate reconciliation but soon realise it's not on my radar. At all.

I gradually cut off my entire birth family.

I have never felt better. I cannot describe the relief of not having to deal with their crap any more.

It has been hard, and sad, and challenging, but 100% worth it.

Some sad stories on here.

I have been thinking for some time about going NC with my mother. I can't see any positives in the relationship. However I'm reluctant to do it as she's in her 80s, alone except for me and I worry about who would care for her.

I'm so fed up with her complaints, insults, emotional blackmail and passive aggressive nonsense. She now involves my dds - telling them she is going away and they won't see her again.

Dancergirl have you always felt this way or is this a bit of a personality change in your mum?

I ask because older people often feel very scared (especially of being left alone) and are frustrated by the limitations and humiliations of age. They fear being a burden. Its very common for them to become difficult, take it out on those around them, and to not understand the impact that nasty comments have on those around them. It can be very hard to spend time with someone who is apparently trying to press your buttons when all you want is some nice time with your mum.

However, it is ok to set boundaries - you can say you won't bring your daughters if she upsets them, and you can limit visits to something you can manage.

it's a funny thing that, how older people change. Someone who was very kind when I was in my teens and 20's is now sliding gently into dementia and can say very hurtful things intended to wound.

But somehow while they do hurt, letting them go is never a problem and there's certainly not the urge to not see her again. Becuase she was so consistently kind at a very bad time there isn't the faintest wish to cut her off and as far as I can, being ex pat, I'll keep in touch

imbueglio she has always been like this. We only see her at out house (or in the past have met her out) as she won't have any visitors at all. Her house is in a terrible state but won't let anyone in to help.

Her recent visits to us involve her turning up unannounced, refusing anything to eat even if it's a mealtime, then ranting for ages about how awful and selfish I am, how the dds don't want to talk to her, going in about things that happened 30 years ago, how people have wronged her etc. The atmosphere when she comes is awful and leaves my dds feeling anxious and upset.

She complains that when we moved house we didn't buy something with a granny annexe for her and that we don't invite her on holiday with us.

She's been doing the emotional blackmail thing for YEARS, both with me and my much older sister, 'I'm dying', 'you're killing me' 'I'll be dead soon', 'you don't care about me' etc etc.

BIL has not spoken to us for years. My DH learnt the hard way that it is simply not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

dancergirl,

re your comment:-
"However I'm reluctant to do it as she's in her 80s, alone except for me and I worry about who would care for her".

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are three of many damaging legacies left by such inadequate people to their now adult children.

BTW does your sister have any sort of a relationship with mother now?.

Its hard to be the last one left but none of what you cite are actually good enough reasons to actually maintain any form of contact with your mother now. She is alone now because of what she has done in life to other people; she made a choice to do all that. She can deal with Social Services. She has chosen not to love or be loved and you cannot afford to allow her back to further abuse you and your hospitality in your own home.

Your mother uses you and does not give a fig that you and by turn your children are becoming upset with her behaviour. Her behaviour gives her power and control over you; disengage totally and free yourself from her tyranny. You ultimately need to grieve the relationship that you should have had but by no fault of your own did not. You did not make her this way; her own birth family did that, what if anything do you know about her own childhood. Her own parents were likely emotionally abusive themselves.

The Stately Homes thread would be ideal for you to read and/or post on.

Her own parents were likely emotionally abusive themselves

I never knew my maternal grandparents, they died when I was a baby. But from what I hear, they treated her badly emotionally. She was completely under their thumb, what they said, went.

My biggest fear is repeating the patten with my own children. My main aim in life is to be the best possible mother I can be and maintain a close, loving relationship with my own dc.

Been NC with brother & SIL for 6 months now. After she accused me of being a bad mother because I work full time and also calling my own mum a bad mother (raised us as a single parent and did absolutely everything for us, was still regularly lending brother money when this happened that she never got back) been much happier since, they were very toxic. One downside is I don't see my nephew anymore and they've since had a daughter who no one on our side of the family have met. Found out shed be born on Facebook.

I cut out my step father around 5 years ago.
It basically went like this -
My parents split - my dc stayed with my stepF some weekends - I found out his druggie paedophile brother was back on the scene - I was forced to tell stepF why I hated that bastard and why I wanted him kept away from my DC - StepF assured me he'd sever ties with him - he didn't.
I immediately cut all contact and haven't spoken to him since.

BTW does your sister have any sort of a relationship with mother now?

They have only recently been back in touch after many years. Their relationship was rocky to say the least when I was growing up, I often overheard shouting matches between them. Then when I was 12 my sister got cancer and nearly died. She travelled the world to get alternative treatments. During this time she and my mother exchanged abusive letters.

My sister is also a difficult person and is still angry about her illness although thank goodness she recovered. She is prone to violent mood changes. My mum tells me when they speak on the phone (my sister lives in the States), my sister is either verbally abusing my mum or all lovey-dovey. My mum thinks she is after her money.

My biggest fear is repeating the pattern with my own children. My main aim in life is to be the best possible mother I can be and maintain a close, loving relationship with my own dc

I think this is what most of us fear. Personally. I think modelling forgiveness and tolerance is a good thing, provided it doesn't come at too high a price. For me, that would be the point at which my children are at risk of being affected. I hope that my children will respect me for getting through some difficult stuff with my mum and being a good support to her. As for my brother, I really think I can't trust him not to damage my children as he is so selfish and competitive.

NC

With my entire family.

I don't regret it, they are very hateful, dysfunctional people.
My DM is at the centre, as soon as I cut of contact with her, everyone else followed suit.
I've not been invited to family weddings & functions and probably won't be informed of deaths etc.

I am entirely disposable to them, unfortunately most of the anger directed at me appears to come from jealousy on their part.
"Everything is easy" for me apparently

I don't regret it but I'm sad that I don't have "people".
I wish it could have been different, but it's the accident of birth.

Dancergirl

Re your comment:-

"My biggest fear is repeating the patten with my own children".

I doubt that you have or are repeating the same old crap that your mother did to both you and your sibling.

You already know that your mother's treatment of you is wrong and on so many levels. People like your mother simply do not have any awareness at all. It is of no surprise to me at all that her own parents were infact abusive themselves. This kind of stuff does go down the generations but in your case it has and can stop with you.

Your mother is not on her own because your sister maintains contact with her. I would leave these two to it.

Be warned...
My family have targeted my now adult dd & are manipulating her terribly.

As I've sheilded her from them all these years-she has no idea how terrible they are

People like your mother simply do not have any awareness at all

So true. I've read some of the stately homes threads and it sounds all too familiar. I get from her - 'I made you parties', 'I took you to x, y and z', 'I bought you expensive presents' etc. But she's conveniently forgotten her calling me a bitch on many occasions, shouting at me for hours as a young child, hitting me in my bed, coming back in for another go when I thought she'd calmed down, making me get out the car and leaving me in the street when I was 'nagging her'.

I will never do anything like that to my children. I don't shout very often and when I do, it doesn't last long and I always apologise. I am by no means a perfect mother but I think I'm quite a good one and will love my dds unconditionally.

I cut contact with my brother 5 years ago due to his behaviour towards me. 3 years ago worse behaviour came to light and other family members also stopped contact with him.

I don't miss him as our relationship was destroyed long before I stopped having anything to do with him.

Sadly, I now have limited contact with my mother now as a result of the situation with him. But my mental wellbeing has greatly improved because of this, which is also sad as I realised our relationship hasn't been what I thought it was for a long time.

The only thing that I regret is that I let those relationship effect me for as long as I did.

Haven't talked to my mother in ten years - poisonous, vindictive, narc bully. Or my dad in 8 - he believed my ex husband's lies about me, and I just couldn't stomach him not being on my side any more. My sisters haven't bothered with me since then, and appear to have me blocked on facebook.

I don't give a fuck, I'm glad to be free of the whole lot of them.