have you ever cut out a family member?

[mismylinford]

after many years of pain and hurt i have decided to cut off my dad and dh has decided to cut out his too.
not wanting to have our daughters exposed to our toxic parents.
anyone who has cut out a family member how did it work for you... did u regret it over time when they past away or have you never looked back? views and experiences please?

Yes, my dad for nearly 18 months now. I was NC with him for 2 years in my twenties but got back in touch just before my brother's death.

He's shortly going to be tried for historical sex abuse (he never abused me in that way). I cut him out more for his lack of willingness to take responsibility for what he's done and his tendency to see himself as a victim than the abuse, although I know that might sound mad. He's manipulative and abusive in ways I hadn't recognised before the skeletons came crashing out of his closet.

I don't know if I'll ever be in touch again and he'll be going to prison (he's already plead guilty to a number of offences that will be sentenced post trial). I don't regret it at all and accept that he may die without us ever being in touch again.

It has saddened me though, but more for my daughter's loss (hard to explain it to her). And for the loss of what I thought I had with him. Otherwise, no regrets. Life is simpler and the roller coaster that is the court case feels more distant, for which I'm grateful ( although that may changed if I'm called as a witness!).

Yes, my birth father from about the time I was 15. Im now 56.

And my half sister because I just can't cope with her Alcoholism but Ive only known her about 3 years so it wasn't that hard in some ways, but in other ways it was. I feel we missed out on a future, because we hadn't really had a past.

Have I ever regretted cutting out my dad? No. And not just because I have a wonder father in my stepfather who's all the dad a girl would ever want or need.

And my sister? No. I have enough to cope with on a day to day basis as it is and there was just not way I was going to put up with her shenanigans. She didn't enhance my life when she came into it and I made the decision I did.

Our birth father has a lot to answer for but someone else can get him to do that - I just can't be bothered with it all.

Not yet, but I will be doing. I will finally be escaping my mother's abuse and my SiL's collusion with it.

I will not miss them.

Yes my sister for about four years now, it was certainly the right decision in every sense.

Yes. Similar to Mystic Pizza on here previously. We cut out DJ's entire family ( bar one brother who he is fond of) for colluding and attempted cover up of a twice arrested family member for peodophilia and indecent exposure to my DC. Yes. They all though me as mad and accused me of being brought up bad by my mum for refusing to collude and cover up.

Dh not DJ previous. Sorry for typo!!

I have, but it appears to be a mutual cutting out: on their part, a lot of lies, gossip and arrogance and on my part, just not willing to take another fucking slap-down.

Then cutting out involved me and my DM against our extended family. Years and years of toxicity overspilled over the birth of my dd2 and a significant event in my cousin's life. It appears they were allowed to ignore us, but absolutely not the other way around.

I was called all sorts of horrible names behind my back, which always came back around to me (so was DM). A lot of lies surfaced. When I called to confront them, I was met with silence. They then sent extravagant gifts for dd1's birthday a couple of weeks later, which promptly got sent back.

That was at the beginning of 2014, so almost 6m. I miss the extended family; the large family gatherings, parties, etc. But I don't miss them and I don't miss them enough to make amends. I don't miss the pretence. The bullshit. The fake smiles.

It's been weird. Despite all the hateful things that were said, I still think about them.

But I'll never ever go back.

My Dad. Been NC for over a year when after my suicide attempt, he texted my Mum (they are divorced, he remarried with the woman he got engaged to whilst he and my Mum were still together) asking whether it was another "cry for help" and that he was "fed up of my bullshit"

I decided right there and then that I was no longer going to pretend that he loved me, that he wanted a relationship with me or that he was ever going to apologise for the systematic emotional abuse he threw out to us all as a family. I told him to get out of my life, but that if he ever grew a pair of balls and recognised the severity of what happened (he's ever so keen to pretend it was just a end of marriage situation, rather than him being a callous adulterer who cruised internet sites) then providing it was was a reciprocal, healthy conversation that didn't include him blaming his problems on everyone else (mainly me) then I was welcome to hearing from him. I also said I would under no circumstances ever see him with his absolutely vile wife, who throughout all of this has goaded me over the fact he left my Mum for her - without explicitly saying so.

She has quite happily allowed my struggle to have a relationship with my Dad turn into true apathy on his part - he's always been emotionally detached but she really brought the A game. She must have something worth hanging onto - she doesn't work and lives off my Dad's pay, was married twice before with hefty divorce settlements to fund her luxury lifestyle deliberately by having children (she's more or less admitted to this and her daughter, my 'step sister' has confirmed it). She is certainly poison - as much as it sounds as if I'm the bitter daughter of divorced parents, my paternal Grandmother hates her too; she's pretty much washed her hands of her own son for his narcissistic, manipulative behaviour. She still sends my Mum birthday/christmas cards - it must wind up my Dad's wife something chronic

My Dad walked out on my Mum when me and my brother were just into our teens, without saying anything for four months. My Mum had to contend with bailiffs, funds emptied out of the joint account and having our phone bill cut off. My Dad used the excuse that he was "having a breakdown" whilst simultaneously shacking up with wife no 2. He also rung debts up in joint names, and when the house was finally sold all the money left over went into clearing his 80k (exlcuding the mortgage) debts that my Mum knew nothing about (god love her, it was the man's job to deal with finances).

It fucking hurts, truth be told. I've been told numerous times that my destructive childhood/adolescent was because my Dad either ignored or blamed me for everything - it's something that as an adult, I assume of everyone. He utterly clouds my judgement of nearly everyone I meet. I have always wanted him to be sorry and apologise and mean it - he won't, and I can't keep running to him hoping to be loved. The hardest decision is knowing he won't walk me up the aisle not because he can't (through death or illness) but because he wouldn't care enough to do so. To know there are so many out there that either have lost one parent or both and would dearly love them back, yet I am choosing to have NC with my Dad makes me sad too. I just wish I had a Dad.

I have been cut out by my brother. He's not spoken to me for over four years. It absolutely saddens me beyond words. Horrific.

In March I blocked my DF partner on facebook. It wasn't personal really she was just incredibly irritating (I made several threads about it at the time). Since then my DF has not really contacted me. I have recently had a DD and if I text him something about any of the DC he won't reply. I asked if he wanted to come and visit his grand daughter (only live 45 mins away) still no reply and that was a month ago. I occasionally text to see how he is and he replies then but if I try and continue the conversation as soon as it stops being about him he doesn't reply anymore. It's a sad situation really but I know I've tried my best so as from yesterday I've gone no contact with him. If he suddenly becomes a sensible human being and wants to contact me and the DC again that will be fine, until then it is his loss.

Yes, my Mum and her husband. After I had children she gradually became more and more toxic and abusive, possibly 'enabled' by her husband who always disliked me. In the end she's went completely off the rails and accused my husband of being a paedophile. That obviously completely broke whatever was left of the relationship.

I don't have regrets for myself- in a way it was sad for my teenage DDs to lose their grandparents but frankly not a great loss. They favoured one child over the other and demonised the less favoured one.

My sister who lives overseas sees my Mum once a year either in her Far East country or Dsis comes to the UK so I know she is still alive etc. I did consider breaking contact with Dsis after she decided to share my photos with my Mum after I expressly asked her not to but in the end I just defriended her on FB so she has no more access to them.

I regret not having a loving supportive mother but no regrets about not seeing the monster she is now. I would say to go with your decision and don't look back.

I've been cut off by my evil sister in law and my brother. They have gone NC with all her sisters and their families and with my other brother and wife. They have remained in contact with my parents because my parents subsidise them
It makes me very sad, I can't think of an incident where I have done anything to deserve it. It might feel better had we had a massive row or falling out. It makes me so sad that I don't know their kids.
It's awful for my parents too.

I would love to know the other side of some of these decisions to go no contact. My sister decided to stop communicating with me (again) refused to answer any emails/ texts/ skype messages a few days after our granddad died, because she decided she wanted the family ring I'd been told to have (I didn't want it/ask for it) so all my polite 'what do you want to do about flowers?' Messages were ignored.
My mum was also cut off until dsis realised she needed her cash cow and is allowed to talk to her as long as I'm not mentioned.
Her version would be completely different.

My parents.

I cut off manipulative, jealous, emotionally abusive "mother". I loved her, but she left me no choice.

My much loved father then called me up out of the blue (at work) to tell me "never to contact him again". 8 years ago, and I haven't.

It has split the extended family. Heartbreaking. My father didn't give me away and has never met his only grandchild. But ultimately life is simpler and happier without them.

DH cut off his family last year after many years of emotional abuse. His mother especially is toxic.

It took him seeing what normal parents are really like (mine) and how they welcomed him into their lives for him to finally take the plunge and he is so much happier for it.

Finally found the courage to cut out Narc father when I was pg with DD.
Didn't go to hospital when he was dying ( he often faked this) and didn't go to the funeral. No regrets whatsoever.
Narc brother when nc with me last year when I finally found the balls to stand up to him after 40 odd years of bullying. I was concerned about seeing his children but SIL makes sure I do so that's all fine by me.
The only one who suffers really is my Mum but there's not a lot I can do about that unfortunately

Should also say that like the poster above I didn't really know what a " normal " family were until I met DH's lot.
I was amazed that they all genuinely seemed to like each other and wouldn't try and screw each other over at every opportunity!!

I am total NC with my Sister AKA Shitstir. I have never got along with her from childhood but her behaviour twoards both our parents when old/ill/dying was something I could not stomach. The second I could stop having her in my life I did and I have never regretted it. I only see her at family funerals (thankfully rare) and she makes the hair raise on my neck. I hate being in the same room as her. The sense of relief was and is unbelievable. I will never ever regret that decision.

CookieDoughKid

Apparently it's very common for those who won't smooth over and collude in a cover up for an abuser to become the 'bad guys'. It has certainly been our experience despite our dc being one of the monster's victims.

Skewed priorities doesn't begin to cover it

I am totally nc with my sister. I know her side was that I didn't show 'appropriate' attention to my DM when she was very ill but what that means is that I didn't jump to her tune and I did what my DPs asked me to do. She felt I should have ignored their wishes and complied with her demands as her way was 'right'. It was an odd event that was the final straw. She had been ramping her vitriol whilst I was pregnant with DC1, then when born would say the nastiest things about DC1 in private and then claim I was lying and she'd never say that. She failed to realise that DH could hear every word she said. Thankfully my poor-stuck-in-the-middle-DPs seem to realise that DH is not lying about it and that because he is fully bought into her not being near our DCs that maybe the version of events she tells may be lacking some facts.

But after decades of her narcissistic, evil, bullying behaviour I am finally free and my DCs won't ever have to put up with it. So no, not easy but not regrettable.

I just try to fade from my brothers' view. Not hard as we all live two hours from each other.

Growing up, it was a house full of hostility and spite. Being the youngest, I quickly learned how to survive that - mostly by being vile myself, I'm sure.

As adults, I know they adore their own children and would never be so unpleasant to them.

Whenever we meet however, it's as if we cannot help but revert back to the sneering and jeering of our childhood. One sil appeared to join in on it. She particularly dislikes me, that is plain.

I just don't contact them. They occasionally contact me. We get together maybe 2 x per year and it's very stiff and unnatural.

Once our parents are dead, I cannot imagine feeling the need to be in touch at all. It will be a relief to never bother with them again.

I really really hope I can avoid the same thing with my dcs.

Cut out my Toxic Sister and 2 of my Caustic Cousins 15 years ago. The Toxic Sister used my absence while I way overseas to lie, betray and stab me in the back, telling to Caustic Cousins that I 'ruined her life' . For a while after I missed the relationships I should have had with these 3 nasty people, but I have realised that the relationship only survived as long as I gave them everything they wanted and acted like a doormat. Sod that for a joke. I also realised that the Toxic Sister ignored me, always sided with others and delighted in saying whatever nasty thing she thought she could get away with. My life has so much less drama and is so much more peaceful without them in it.

More recently, I have cut out my Narc mother and Schizoid father. Unfortunately the rotten apple doesn't fall far from the rotten tree. The turning point in this relationship came just over 2 years ago when the narc mother shouted at me until I cried, and did not apologise for her behaviour. One of the letters they sent me had a very memorable line in it - "you are meant to give us unconditional love and forgive us" - something which I never got from them of course. Cutting them out has given my life and added layer of peace and tranquility that I never knew could be possible!

I've only spoken to my mother once now in approx 9 years after she practically refused to have anything to do with my youngest daughter.
But I wouldn't never say she was a particularly fantastic mum to me anyway so I'm not missing her

i cut all contact with my mother and brother. sf had died.
no regrets. they were bad people. not nice at all. my life is better for it and while sad about the could have beens they were not reality.
reality was they were bad people, (heroin addict, alcoholic, just no good to be around)