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Original poster

Thinking of leaving DH for another man..... Please don't judge to harshly...

45 replies

Muddledandconfused · 18/07/2014 11:25

DH and I have been married for 8 years and have 3 DC. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. We are more like best friends than husband and wife.

He is moody, has a drink problem (which is under control), we have massively different interests and we haven't slept together for about 2 years. On the flip side he is a brilliant father, will do anything for his family, is a hard worker and makes me laugh.

I haven't been able to see us going the distance for a while now, but would rather just bury my head in the sand and let it carry on.

Then by chance I met a guy, we have fallen in love with each other, it's bizarre, I genuinely didn't think I could feel this way about someone and nor did he.

Nothing has happened, but for me falling for someone else is betrayal enough.

I can't eat, can't sleep, I feel ill and just so confused.

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 18/07/2014 11:28

Would you have left your DH if you hadn't met this other person?

If you're not happy and want to leave, then do.

Don't leave because you're in lust with someone else.

CanaryYellow · 18/07/2014 11:29

Does the OM know you're thinking of leaving your DH for him? Is he married too?

aturtlenamedmack · 18/07/2014 11:31

Exactly what outraged said.
If you're unhappy with your husband and don't feel like you can work through it then leave him.
Take the other man out of the equation.

winkywinkola · 18/07/2014 11:31

Is the om married too?

I would try to make my marriage work or leave and be single.

Huge error to jump out of the frying pan.

Original poster
Muddledandconfused · 18/07/2014 11:31

Honestly, no I wouldn't have left at this point.

I may well have just plodded along in an unhappy marriage until something else happened to make me leave.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/07/2014 11:33

If you want to leave then leave.. but don't do it for another man. Tell your new man that you need to sort splitting up and the logistics of that then go from there. Don't overlap as it just hurts everybody involved and you owe it to your kids to split up their family 'properly'. If he's the love of your life of whatever then he'll understand and give you the space you need.

Dirtybadger · 18/07/2014 11:35

Leave you husband if you want to leave your husband. Don't rush into anything with anyone else. Not if you want it to last. And to be fair on the children. Separated parents will be enough for them to digest (but they can and will come to terms with it) without mum immediately having a new bf. Plus it will create more tension with your dh. Again not brilliant for the children.

Separate. See where's you're at in 12 months (or more). Im assuming you've just fallen for this other man, rather than been physically cheating (emotionally, though). If he's actually a good guy, he will understand.

If the idea of separating without someone to go straight to sounds unappealing then perhaps you need to look again at your marriage. Either it ain't so bad and you and your dh need to start working seriously to resolve some problems (the grass is not always greener!) or if you truly think the problems can't be overcome but you'd rather be in a loveless marriage than alone; evaluate how selfish that is. Your dh deserves a chance to be with someone who loves him, just as you do. And he deserves to be married to someone who is there for more than mere convenience. Basically I'm saying ignore the other man and do what's right for your marriage and self as a single person. He is nothing to do with this.

Think that was quite balanced.

Original poster
Muddledandconfused · 18/07/2014 11:36

Sorry I should have said, I wouldn't run into this other guys arms. I would try to do it all as sensitively as possible.. I wouldn't want him to know there had ever been someone else.

I would need some time to clear my head then if it worked with OM then it does, if it doesn't then it doesn't.

But at the moment I feel wretched.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/07/2014 11:38

It's sounds as though you need to talk to your husband.

mindyourown1 · 18/07/2014 11:38

Leave and be alone for 6-12 months until you make any decisions on a new relationship, which is prob only based on lust.

And you should never stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children.

TheFairiesAreBack · 18/07/2014 11:39

It's awful but you are doing the right thing to leave.

Original poster
Muddledandconfused · 18/07/2014 11:41

I'm scared of what will happen to me and DC financially too, I'm a SAHM. I'm scared I won't be able to afford to live.

OP posts:
Original poster
Muddledandconfused · 18/07/2014 11:42

The thing is I do love my husband, I'm just not 'in love' with him. It that still grounds to separate?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 18/07/2014 11:44

You do know, don't you, that right now you're in the "honeymoon" period with the other guy. So everything he does is amazing. You don't have to put up with all the usual crap that is long term relationships - you have all that with your dh and if you leave your dh for this man 2 years or so later you'll feel like this again if it's just the "in love" stage you crave. You have to work out if there is any real substance to the relationship with the other man. I'm not entirely sure there is if you're saying but for him you wouldn't leave your dh - just yet anyway. That alone should be reason enough to end it with om and try and work on your marriage.

I'm saying this from experience. (3 times married).

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/07/2014 11:45

It depends whether that makes you unhappy? Is there any chance if that changing? Could you reconnect with counselling or similar or is it gone for good?

lunar1 · 18/07/2014 11:47

I think you need to leave the marriage and sort out you life with you children. Let things settle, put you contact arrangements in place and let their life settle down before you make any decisions about the om.

It is fine to leave an unhappy marriage, but you have to do it in a way that isn't too traumatic for your family.

mindyourown1 · 18/07/2014 11:51

moody, drink problem and no shared interests is plenty reasons to leave.

CharlieSierra · 18/07/2014 11:56

moody, drink problem and no shared interests is plenty reasons to leave

and 3 children, best friends, love him just lost the 'in love feeling' are very good reasons not to leave but to work on the marriage!

mindyourown1 · 18/07/2014 12:00

so staying in an unhappy marriage and putting up with him is meant to be enough. Doesn't the OP deserve more than just settling?

gamerchick · 18/07/2014 12:12

Well then you have a starting point to look at and sort out. Look at the practical stuff first.

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/07/2014 12:13

The OP shouldn't stay in a marriage that is terminally unhappy. However, when you get married and have children you have a responsibility to try your best to make things work.

From what the OP says, it isn't all bad and she wouldn't be leaving at all if she wasn't in lust with someone else.

Only the OP knows whether there is any chance of repairing it or not.

Vivacia · 18/07/2014 12:31

Going against the grain but I think you should give your marriage another go, try counselling etc.

CanaryYellow · 18/07/2014 12:35

You've dodged the question of whether the OM is married. If so, I seriously suggest you tell the OM that you're thinking of leaving your DH for him and note his response.

I really don't get the feeling from you that you would leave unless the OM was waiting in the wings.

You say your DH is your best friend, makes you laugh, works hard, would do anything for his family, and you do still love him. It doesn't sound all bad to me. But only you can decide if that's enough to be worth at least trying to save.

In comparison to the thrill and excitement of the relationship with the OM, then yeah, it probably looks second best. But of course, you're only seeing snippets of the OM, you've described nothing of any real substance. It's all very fairytale at the moment, you can't and won't sustain that.

IlikeCowboys · 18/07/2014 12:44

i left, was the best thing i did. If i hadn't had left when i did, i knew i would have further down the line.

There wasn't anything wrong with the relationship as such but there wasn't anything great with it either. It and we just exsited.

You either want to see what you can do to make it better, but BOTH of you have to do it or you don't. I knew i had gone past this point and no matter of what promises would be made, they wouldn't have kept me there and i would have been looking for him to slip back into his old ways (and he would have)

3PacketsOfCrisps · 18/07/2014 12:59

is OM married?