Anyone with husband/partner for sake of children?

[ILajU]

Just wanted to know how many people are with their husband/partner for the sake of their children.

I don't love my husband, nor do I like him that much. Having said that I am still with him for the sake of our children and also for cultural reasons ( easier to stay with him than deal with the fallout)

There is nothing about his personality that I find attractive. He is immature, selfish and very unemotional. He comes from a family where no one supports one another and show very little love and affection. However, he adores the children and they adore him back.

He irritates me and I rarely like to converse with him if I can help it, he seems to either be ignorant or in denial of my feelings towards him.
Anyway, after an argument this evening I wondered just how many women are in this situation? Only remaining married for reasons other than love?

I honestly don't think if he wasn't around I would miss him, nor do I worry about growing old alone (when children leave the nest) I actually look forward to a time where I can be on my own again as I have tried to love and be loved in the past but it's not for me and I have come to accept that.

Hope this makes sense.

I am not in this situation. It must be very lonely though. It sounds awful. I am sp, love my freedom.

I'm not anymore but I was and afterwards found that it's not as uncommon as one might be led to believe.

Why Why Why would you sacrifice years of being happy in the hope that your kids will be happy, being raised by 'mum and dad'.

I raised my dd1 (18) by myself s her df was a idiot. She is amazing, I look at her sometimes and think 'wow! how the balls did I do that'!

My cousin is in a hideous relationship with her dp (19 years) they despise each other, but neither will leave the house, and there kids have massively suffered watching them hate each other.

My bil and sil are just divorcing after 18 years, 18 years of him cheating on her, every single year. she finally got the balls to ask for the divorce. he is more than happy, managed to have robbed her out of thousands out the deal, but she just wants rid now.

I do wonder how the kids will see 'normal' relationships and what effect it will have on them later.

You are a woman. That does not mean you have to forsake years of misery being in a shit relationship.

One day you will look in the mirror and think 'shit, how did I get that old'. You only live once as the saying goes

lots of typos but I've qwaffed

Yes, I feel like this much of the time. My DH suffers with depression and life is really shit at times (have just started a thread about this). DC's are 16 and 14 and I stay partly for them but if I'm brutally honest I also stay as I don't have the balls to leave .

Funny thing is people think I'm a strong person - if nobody they knew.

Probably haven't helped you at all but I do understand where you are coming from. One thing I do know is I really couldn't be arsed having another relationship if/when this one ends.

Only not nobody

Me too.

We spend most evenings in separate rooms. Weekends are also spent doing our own thing if the DC have no sports events on.

Neither of us will admit to the world it's failed; so we stay, ignoring each other...

It is very lonely. Even more so , because to the world, our marriage is fine and happy and therefore I have not been able to express my feelings to anyone in real life. I too come across as strong and the last person who would put up with a shitty relationship- little do people really know..

I do most of the child rearing myself as I am a stay at home mum, he comes home from work and does what he can if and when he can be bothered (but that's another thread) I do my utmost to keep upbeat around the children and keep up this facade around them as I do not want them to witness my unhappiness.

I do not have the courage to leave but do admire those that do. Maybe one day I will be strong enough to walk away but for the time being I remain in this situation.

I really hope that I can raise my children to understand love and respect, how to show it, how to appreciate it. That my situation does not have a detrimental affect on their own future relationship.

I had a colleague who was in a similar relationship, sadly, her husband passed away and she was widowed well before the age of 40, so still very young. I questioned her about her future hopes about finding love etc and she was adamant that this was it for her. I remember being sad for her but at the same time shocked, questioning how could anyone want to grow old on their own, that they will be missing out etc etc. Now that I am in a similar situation I can see exactly where she was coming from.

OP, my experience mirrors yours exactly but with MH issues for DH thrown in for good measure.

I too out on a brave face both to the world and infront of the children, who seem happy with their lives. Like you though I do worry that our relationship my effect their future relationships. I would hate either of them to end up like me.

Like you I do not have the courage to leave but I console myself with the thought that once the DC's have gone to uni I may well pluck up the courage to make my own life. Will only be early 50's when younger one leaves and I have no great plans for my future beyond having a quiet, calm existence.

Precious, how did FIL come out of the situation?

Nowahousewife- Sorry to hear about your situation too. My husband whilst won't admit it, I believe suffers from some form of mental illness too borne from his family situation.

His brother is a sociopath and his mother (though no longer with us anymore-passed away) was very toxic and suffered from depression too. Sister is the same too and blames the world for her problems.

My husband is probably the most stable out of them all but I do believe his family situation has had a negative impact on him and how he views things.

I'm sorry you're doing this OP, even if you think you have good reasons. I don't think any child has reached adulthood yet, turned to their perpetually miserable parent and said 'thanks for sticking with that unhappy marriage all those ... for me'. In fact, I think children are quite astute on picking up that their home and their parents' behaviour is not like other people's and that being held hostage in an unhappy marriage can lead to quite a lot of problems when they come to form relationships of their own.

A lot of people in your situation cast around for explanations like 'MH issues'. Mostly it's trying to rationalise bad behaviour and it's not helpful. If you think your husband's dysfunctional family has led to him being the way he is.... why inflict the same dynamic on your own DCs?

I think cultural reasons shouldn't be understated. "Fallout" just doesn't cover it.

So what does cover it? What kind of ramifications might there be? A 'culture' only has power when others condone and reinforce it.

It's the ostracism (Is that a word?!) from the community. The guilt you feel over letting your parents and family down and embarrassing them. There can be such pressure that people choose to stay in abusive relationships - so it must be a very strong pressure - I don't think the couple is necessarily weak - they feel their martyr attitude is commendable - and perhaps is preferable to a God they vaguely believe in as that's what they may have been told by traditional parents. It's the fact that they know that if their family doesn't think that there Is a good enough reason to leave then they won't support you. That means you are divorcing your husband And your family. You don't want that trauma for yourself especially when you may be feeling weak and trapped already. And to have your children suffer too???

op looks like were in the same club really apart from cultural differences i know how you mean about just ignoring each other x

I find these posts so incredibly sad. I'm not shocked by how many people live like this, life is too short to be miserable though isn't it?

Important to remember that there is no such thing as the perfect person/husband/partner, we all have our faults.

" The guilt you feel over letting your parents and family down and embarrassing them. "

I think that is not exclusive to a particular culture but quite a common fear of women more generally after generations of social conditioning that 'women are responsible for keeping families together'. I agree that the prospect of being cut off from wider family is a disincentive but, when the alternative is to be cut off in your own home, which is worse? What price self-respect? I also suspect that the fear of being ostracised is not fully matched by the reality.

My parents only ever stayed together for me and my sisters. They still are because one sister still lives at home (spoiled useless lazybones!) it's had such a negative impact on me.

I hope I never do it because it shows the children a really warped view of what relationships should be like. Since I can remember they've only kissed once. That to me now looking back as an adult seems insane.

I wish they had gone their separate ways.
I think we would of benefitted a lot more from it

I am. I won't go into details as I'm using my regular name here.

I can't leave with my child, so I won't leave.

@TheHorseDentist.... are you under some kind of threat at home or living overseas?

'DC's are 16 and 14 and I stay partly for them but if I'm brutally honest I also stay as I don't have the balls to leave '

That is a very brave thing to admit nowahousewife. I firmly believe this is exactly what is going on for everyone who says they are 'staying for the children'

OP, I do have sympathy for you, especially about the cultural issues you refer to. However, please don't be naive about the effect this will be having on your children. Of course this will impact their own attitudes to relationships - their model of adult relationships is a miserable one. Even if you and your husband don't argue in front of them, they will be much more aware than you realise of how unhappy you are together.

My parents stayed 'for the children'. Growning up in that miserable home has deeply affected me and my siblings - my sister and I have both had violent abusive relationships and all 3 of us have had problems with drugs and alcohol. I am now in a very happy relationship with a lovely man but I'm only able to do this because I've been in therapy for the last 4 years.

Like Cogito said, your children will not thank you for this. They won't. If you're going to stay, please stay with your eyes open and please don't think you are doing your children a favour. And please remember that you deserve better than this life. You are just as important as your children and you deserve to be happy.

My DP stayed with his ex wife for the sake of the children for many years after she had had affairs. In hindsight he now says it was the wrong thing to do as the marriage ended extremely acrimoniously when he had eventually had enough.