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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone with husband/partner for sake of children?

47 replies

ILajU · 17/07/2014 22:37

Just wanted to know how many people are with their husband/partner for the sake of their children.

I don't love my husband, nor do I like him that much. Having said that I am still with him for the sake of our children and also for cultural reasons ( easier to stay with him than deal with the fallout)

There is nothing about his personality that I find attractive. He is immature, selfish and very unemotional. He comes from a family where no one supports one another and show very little love and affection. However, he adores the children and they adore him back.

He irritates me and I rarely like to converse with him if I can help it, he seems to either be ignorant or in denial of my feelings towards him.
Anyway, after an argument this evening I wondered just how many women are in this situation? Only remaining married for reasons other than love?

I honestly don't think if he wasn't around I would miss him, nor do I worry about growing old alone (when children leave the nest) I actually look forward to a time where I can be on my own again as I have tried to love and be loved in the past but it's not for me and I have come to accept that.

Hope this makes sense.

OP posts:

Twitterqueen · 18/07/2014 17:51

Children always know OP. So staying for their sake is not a good idea - unless of course they're very young when actually I would suggest putting up with it for a while - at least until they go to school.

I'ts a miserable, horrible, lonely life. I know, I lived it. My ex just got more and more spiteful and horrible. It got to the point where he was not afraid to show how he felt about me in front of the DCs and friends / neighbours - and that's really poisonous. That's when it really was enough.

magpiegin · 18/07/2014 17:52

My parents stayed together for the sake of us children (they divorced in my first year of university). It was horrible, however hard they tried to hide it, it was obvious. It did me no favours and I wish that they'd separated when I was young.

Your children are not being protected by you staying together.

FunLovinBunster · 18/07/2014 19:37

Yes. DD adores him. I don't.

mckenzie · 18/07/2014 19:49

I'm like you OP although I am just starting counselling with DH to sort things out. I want to end the marriage (he doesn't know this yet) but it is the harm that it may do to our DCs that has held me back for this long. I'm hoping the counselling will help to smooth things along.
He and I have such different views on parenting that it scares me what will happen. I have done about 98% of the parenting so far so I am seen as the 'bad guy'. DH comes along and does all the good stuff so they love him to bits.
I know I have to leave though. I only have one life and as another poster has said on here, my happiness is as important and the DCs.
That's for saying that Lottapianos btw, I've never thought of that before.

weatherall · 18/07/2014 20:02

My parents split within a year of me graduating Uni.

They had been unhappy for years.

Children know.

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 18/07/2014 20:41

I am in this boat.

It is very saddening.

He isn't abusive. He isn't violent. He isn't a drunk. He isn't a gambler. He isn't a drug addict. He hasn't cheated on me.

I have no reason to leave.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 18/07/2014 20:51

Children know.

It's a tremendous burden to place on your kids. I stayed miserable for you.

TheHorseDentist · 18/07/2014 21:20

No threat or overseas. However leaving would leave me homeless, unemployed and 100's of miles away from any support. I'd rather suffer a miserable existence than have my child suffer it. Life is good for my child at the moment so things shall stay as they are.

WellWhoKnew · 18/07/2014 21:53

weatherall is right. I left home at 16. They separated the next day.

Told us kids the 'bad' news and we all said 'at last!'.

We knew. You can't hide things in the home. Only to outsiders.

You're kidding yourself if you think any different. As kids we get to spend time in other people's homes too - we can tell that things aren't quite right where we come from.

Kids are more perceptive than adults quite a lot of the time.

superstarheartbreaker · 18/07/2014 22:13

Tbh I don't know anyone who has been ostracised from modern society by getting a divorce as so many are single parents anyway.

Ok so you may be seen a threat as a sexy single mum and you may not be invited to any more nauseating dinner parties but that a small price for being free of a shite relationship tbh.

CookieMonsterIsHot · 18/07/2014 22:14

When my mother told people she stayed with my father for the sake of the children, what I heard was "it is my fault you are so unhappy".

It took me years to realise she just didn't want to leave (for many many reasons). I deeply resent all those years of feeling guilty for being born.

Staying in a bad relationship does not help your children. FFS don't make it their "fault" if you haven't got the balls to end it.

Darkesteyes · 18/07/2014 22:22

Sometimes women know they wont get any support from their own parents if they should choose to leave.

Sometimes its not just that though Sometimes its full on emotional abuse to bully their daughters into staying in their marriages...from shouting and temper tantrums and banging things around to full on bouts of crying and crawling on the floor begging you to stay with your spouse to full on bullying and demanding that "you get that wedding ring back on now"

And im willing to bet this happens in a lot of families. Because a lot of people care more about how things look to outsiders and that matters far more than their adult daughters happiness.

knowledgeispower · 18/07/2014 22:30

This may seem melodramatic but I came to conclusion that you only get one life. Grab it with both hands. When my number is up do I want to look back with regret. It took me many years to leave my dd's father and now we work wonderfully together.

We get on so well now. He comes over and does DIY when I ask him and his wife is lovely and adores dd.

cerealqueen · 18/07/2014 22:33

Because they did lived it themselves, like marriage is a sentence to be endured. .

cerealqueen · 18/07/2014 22:34

Sorry, lived like this themselves.

Darkesteyes · 18/07/2014 22:39

YY Cereal its like "I did it so why shouldn't you?"

magpiegin · 18/07/2014 22:42

The other thing is because we knew our parents were unhappy we all put on a brave face but it doesn't take away the heartbreak of knowing your parents don't love each other.

Please don't think for one second that they don't know, it is not something you can hide from them. Do not use them as an excuse not to leave. Horribly unfair on them.

Sicaq · 18/07/2014 22:45

Pobble sums it up, in my opinion. You have the right to make whatever choice you like, but please don't persuade yourself that you are doing it for the children. For the rest of my life I have to carry the knowledge that I was the reason for my parents' misery. Doesn't do a lot for the old self-esteem.

Joysmum · 18/07/2014 22:47

I don't think any child has reached adulthood yet, turned to their perpetually miserable parent and said 'thanks for sticking with that unhappy marriage all those ... for me'. In fact, I think children are quite astute on picking up that their home and their parents' behaviour is not like other people's and that being held hostage in an unhappy marriage can lead to quite a lot of problems when they come to form relationships of their own

That was certainly my experience.

We learn from the example our parents set. My own parents didn't hate each other, but the example wasn't great and my early adult life wasn't great.

As a child who's mum stayed, I firmly believe they should have split.

Having said that, I think many using the excuse of staying for the children simply don't want to leave the marriage. If course I'm not saying all, but fear of the unknown and not wanting less security can be worth staying for in some people's mind.

MexicanSpringtime · 19/07/2014 00:02

Yeap, I think as parents we have to set our children an example of loving others, loving them and loving ourselves.

I anyone of those sacrificing theirselves for their children, want their children to do the same for their children? Where will it end?

I love my dd and have always enjoyed doing things for her, but I never did anything that I would call a sacrifice, apart from the sacrifice of freedom that I consciously accepted when I got pregnant.

Freewheelin · 19/07/2014 10:02

I am speculating but based on my own experience I wonder if staying together could work if there was mutual honesty and agreement about it, followed in time by honesty with the children.
My ex and I discussed separation but had decided neither of us could survive financially. So we carried on as co parents. However we maintained the facade of a normal relationship to most people and to the children. Is it the facade, the deceit that damages?
It became apparent later that he was in fact deluding himself about our situation because as I wanted more autonomy- separate bedrooms, going out on my own, he couldn't cope with that.

Lottapianos · 19/07/2014 11:39

Yes Free, the facade is extremely damaging and confusing for children. My parents would act all happy clappy in front of other people, but reality set in when we got back home. We learned to play a role to keep other people happy but not yo trust our own feelings. It trashes your self esteem. I'm in therapy because of it.

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