I have to share this: I can't bring myself to trust DP

[StellaBrillante]

I am sitting at work and this is all I can think about. I don't know whether it's me being insecure, paranoid or...I simply don't know. So apologies if I am just rambling on but writing it down and hearing what others have to say (regardless of whether I agree or like what their opinions!) always seems to help me get some perspective.

DP made himself unemployed a few months ago and has struggled to find a job. Money-wise, he's paying his way so no problems there but I have no idea when his money is going to run out. I only mention this because there's a part of me that's scared that I am being used (which doesn't make sense as he spends as much as I do if not more on groceries, etc and even before, he's always gone out of his way to make sure that we have really good, hearty meals on the table) and because I feel that he's getting up to no good as a result of having so much free time at home.

First there are the random emails to his ex-wife (divorced 8 years ago, sees her every other week when he sees his children) such as "Just sat down with a cake and a coffee...". I can't say that I've come across anything that I would describe as inappropriate but... Then he's been looking up porn and lots of sex pictures of women. And searching exes... I know, I shouldn't have snooped but do you ever get the gut instinct that tells you that something is up?

And again, I wonder how much of it is down to me being terribly insecure! He drops me off and picks me up from work every day, makes my lunch, makes dinner, shops, sends me nice messages and is always thinking of things for us to do. At home, we get on incredibly well and I have his undivided attention. He's always been rather protective of his phone but by the same token, he very rarely checks it but it's always face down and after a couple of incidents, he's obviously changed his settings so that the message no longer displays on the screen.

We went weeks without me feeling unsettled or suspicious but I now feel on full alert, so to speak. I went on a huge snooping mission this morning, trying to get confirmation of my so-called 'gut instinct' is telling me to watch out for. It probably back-fired big time though as I ended up finding a memory stick with lots of sex photos of him with his ex from 3-4 years ago and videos too - not what you want to see, trust me.

I try to put myself in his shoes in terms of being at home. I've done my bit of mindless googling or internet searching, checking out whatever somebody is up to just out of sheer boredom when I've had a bit too much time in my hands. And I am guessing that although he's created this situation himself, and he won't admit it, it can't be doing him any good applying for all these jobs (and he is genuinely doing as shown during snooping sessions) but not getting anywhere.

I talked to him about how one goes about drawing the line as far as contact with exes go. Quite simple: if you are not comfortable with me coming across it or can't tell me that I am being unreasonable then you're drawing the line in the wrong place. I reckon he suspected that I had read something... Oh well... And without boring you all with the details, he HAS given me reason to not trust him so this is not all 'out of the blue' paranoia!!! He hasn't cheated (or not that I know of anyway) but there have been lies and he likes to have his ego stroked - not a good combination.

Phew - sorry, essay over :-)

[StellaBrillante]

I aent the message in the end, also adding that he should go to "ex gilrfriend's pet name" and carry on his conversation face-to-face. He's jsut texted me back saying that he doesn't understand what I am on about and that he's confused!! Avoid & deny for as long as you can???

[Iggly]

Pick up the phone and talk to him. You've got yourself into this mental place but you just don't know if you're right. At least give him a chance to explain.

[TwinkleDust]

You want him gone, right..? So whether he admits stuff now, it is ultimately irrelevant. It hasn't worked out. You could very easily escalate this into huge rows and angst and he may or may not be contrite. But, it sounds like you wouldn't want to resume things ..?

He's certainly done a good job of ticking the boxes for getting dumped: porn, contacting exes, emailing exes (sounds like fishing?), giving you gifts that he had given others and had returned, various lies. It seems that he has crossed more than one of your personal boundaries.

Your text has called him on it, but also invites 'debate' hence the denial and attempt to find out how much you actually know. So he can dig himself out. Chances are, you will never know the complete truth. And if you did, either way, good or bad, the question I'd be asking myself is if it would make any difference to your feelings.

If not, I'd be inclined to keep it simple from now on. Simply text or phone: it's over. Arrange to collect your things.

[StellaBrillante]

Thank you twinkle. That's what I've done. He mentioned how he was supposed to be bringing his boys down and that we need to talk. I told him to do what he does best: make up a story, or take them to one of this exes. Oh, and for him to let me know when he is planning to collect his stuff etc.

You are right about him trying to find out how much I know. I thought as much and deleted the initial text message that I had written, giving away information. One could argue that it's not fair as I am not giving him a chance to explain but what is there to explain? He wrote to the ex talking about the weather and asking about her trip to Hawaii. The picture of the ring, I am now not so sure... It looks almost like mine but it seems that the gem in the picture looks much smaller so it may be a different ring. Maybe he just makes a habit of proposing and getting dumped for lying. However, why lie about the previous relationship, which supposedly ended 2 years ago? What is there to hide? All the secrecy, sneaking around... he's stressed me out and has hurt me but it must be exhausting to be him!

[StellaBrillante]

Oh and now he has really lost it all. No job, no status from his main profession and no fiance. What a guy!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

I don't get it.

I mean, you are totally within your rights to dump him whenever you like, of course. But what he seems to have wrong is resign from a job, not be able to get another straight away (probably thought he could), and be very bored and getting in touch with all sorts of people, including his exes. So what? You were planning to marry him, but don't want him to ever speak to his exes again, or to be unemployed - that's something that should probably be spelt out. It doesn't sound like he's being inappropriate with these women, at least one of whom I presume is the mother of his children.

[southseagal]

Got to say OP, from what you've said you have behaved terribly and this poor man is better off with out you in his life. You have zero proof of him doing anything wrong, only suspicion. Now you even admit the photo of the ring is not the ring he gave you. You have sent email from his private account to people you don't know, sent abusive text messages and in your last post you are actually mocking him. I wanted to break that message down a bit - quitting a job to make a new life is very brave, the status obviously was something he was not that attached to so he is probably ok with that. That's two out of three.. and it sounds to me like he loved you and it utterly confused by your behavior. You don't love this man, it sounds to me like you never loved him - you're basically admitting you have behaved terribly then trying to mock the victim of your loss of self control.

In the long run he sounds better off with out you so he can build his new career - which means you are better off as well.

I would suggest professional help to examine what has made you act in such a nasty & destructive fashion before you sabotage all of the relationships you get into.

[MissYouPuppy]

Sorry, I'm not getting this.

He's secretive of his phone - so secretive he barely uses it, leaves it lying around and at least one other person can access it.

He has suspicious e-mail, which you've seen because you have access to his e-mail, hopefully by legal means. Despite this, there's actually nothing suspicious in this unfettered access, but you're suspicious.

His Facebook is all about his relationship with you.

He sent a suspicious e-mail which contains what sounds like the most banal of chit chat, and you have responded by making a point of showing that you have seen this e-mail in the account that you have access to.

And he's suffocating?

You have invaded every private moment of this man's life - even those moments probably lost down the cushion of the sofa of time. I am amazed he's taken this long to snap back at you.

[StellaBrillante]

Sorry but if you read back to the original post, he has lied before about other things. Bit by bit, as more and more little things happen, you stop trusting.

I can see the boredom and I can even justify it with feeling rather low at the moment, hence the need for attention or for harmless chit-chat but where do you draw the line? I can assure you that he'd have been livid if it had been me doing the same with an ex (and by that I don't mean my ex-husband!).

It turns out that the ring is indeed the same one. Do the posts above mean that I shouldn't think anything of it? That I shouldn't care that he told me this lovely story about how he chose it etc and that it's turned out to be a lie? And let me clarify that I didn't press for details, I accepted the ring for what I thought it was: a demonstration of love and commitment.

As for the job situation, he didn't take a planned career change. He was on a PIP, sick and tired of it and that was his way of dealing with, instead of trying to secure another position first. We all make mistakes but he seems to be on a self-imploding mission. I haven't given him a hard time over the job situation, if anything I've caught myself feeling sad when I thought that when he does find work, we won't be able to do little things which have become part of our routine.

I do believe that he loves me but also that he finds it hard to tell the truth. The problem is that when you are on the receiving end of it, you start to question every single word the other person says as they make it look so easy to tell lie after lie.

And as for the snooping (legally), I never thought I would sink this low but I just had to see for myself what on earth was going on. Trust me, I am my biggest critic and I am kicking myself as it is for doing so but I am also glad that I did it. Best the devil you know.

[StellaBrillante]

And the mobile phone is indeed lying around but it's also locked and he changed the setting so that it doesn't display message preview. This was after, on Valentine's Day, a message popped up in the middle of the night asking if was still coming up. It was from the ex-wife as he had arranged to stay with her whilst spending the weekend with the children. The problem is that right at the start of our relationship, he explained to me that he always stayed with one of his closest friends when he is there for the weekend. Interestingly though, when I went up with him once, the friend's lodger didn't seem to have ever met DP. I did ask him afterwards how come he didn't know the guy seeing that DP is up there every other week but he assured me that he did. So there. It's things like this that have got us to where we are today.

And sorry if I sound defensive. I am hoping against hope that somebody will tell me to stop being such a drama queen and get a grip as I do love him. However, I am not going to treated like an idiot.

[inlectorecumbit]

I think you have done the right thing.
You don't trust him and he is a liar, it seems to come second nature to him--Red flags !!!

[Finney2]

You know what? He sounds like a complete bullshitter. Even if he's not having any type of affair, he's a liar and I don't see how you could ever trust him. Trouble with these type of people is, once you start to find them out, you realise they lie about all types of inconsequential crap. You never know where the truth stops and the lies begin.

I think you are doing the right thing OP. Good luck x

[StellaBrillante]

finney2 that's it, the lies just seem to keep coming. When I told him that I had seen the email, he explained that he had used the pet name for a laugh as it was what her dad calls her. I really couldn't care less but that is yet another lie - or a major coincidence! It's the other girlfriend who got her nickname off her dad. So why lie? It makes no difference whatsoever to the issue with the emailing so why add to it all by bringing another lie, no matter how inconsequential, into the equation??