I have to share this: I can't bring myself to trust DP

[StellaBrillante]

I am sitting at work and this is all I can think about. I don't know whether it's me being insecure, paranoid or...I simply don't know. So apologies if I am just rambling on but writing it down and hearing what others have to say (regardless of whether I agree or like what their opinions!) always seems to help me get some perspective.

DP made himself unemployed a few months ago and has struggled to find a job. Money-wise, he's paying his way so no problems there but I have no idea when his money is going to run out. I only mention this because there's a part of me that's scared that I am being used (which doesn't make sense as he spends as much as I do if not more on groceries, etc and even before, he's always gone out of his way to make sure that we have really good, hearty meals on the table) and because I feel that he's getting up to no good as a result of having so much free time at home.

First there are the random emails to his ex-wife (divorced 8 years ago, sees her every other week when he sees his children) such as "Just sat down with a cake and a coffee...". I can't say that I've come across anything that I would describe as inappropriate but... Then he's been looking up porn and lots of sex pictures of women. And searching exes... I know, I shouldn't have snooped but do you ever get the gut instinct that tells you that something is up?

And again, I wonder how much of it is down to me being terribly insecure! He drops me off and picks me up from work every day, makes my lunch, makes dinner, shops, sends me nice messages and is always thinking of things for us to do. At home, we get on incredibly well and I have his undivided attention. He's always been rather protective of his phone but by the same token, he very rarely checks it but it's always face down and after a couple of incidents, he's obviously changed his settings so that the message no longer displays on the screen.

We went weeks without me feeling unsettled or suspicious but I now feel on full alert, so to speak. I went on a huge snooping mission this morning, trying to get confirmation of my so-called 'gut instinct' is telling me to watch out for. It probably back-fired big time though as I ended up finding a memory stick with lots of sex photos of him with his ex from 3-4 years ago and videos too - not what you want to see, trust me.

I try to put myself in his shoes in terms of being at home. I've done my bit of mindless googling or internet searching, checking out whatever somebody is up to just out of sheer boredom when I've had a bit too much time in my hands. And I am guessing that although he's created this situation himself, and he won't admit it, it can't be doing him any good applying for all these jobs (and he is genuinely doing as shown during snooping sessions) but not getting anywhere.

I talked to him about how one goes about drawing the line as far as contact with exes go. Quite simple: if you are not comfortable with me coming across it or can't tell me that I am being unreasonable then you're drawing the line in the wrong place. I reckon he suspected that I had read something... Oh well... And without boring you all with the details, he HAS given me reason to not trust him so this is not all 'out of the blue' paranoia!!! He hasn't cheated (or not that I know of anyway) but there have been lies and he likes to have his ego stroked - not a good combination.

Phew - sorry, essay over :-)

[StellaBrillante]

finney2 that's it, the lies just seem to keep coming. When I told him that I had seen the email, he explained that he had used the pet name for a laugh as it was what her dad calls her. I really couldn't care less but that is yet another lie - or a major coincidence! It's the other girlfriend who got her nickname off her dad. So why lie? It makes no difference whatsoever to the issue with the emailing so why add to it all by bringing another lie, no matter how inconsequential, into the equation??

[Finney2]

You know what? He sounds like a complete bullshitter. Even if he's not having any type of affair, he's a liar and I don't see how you could ever trust him. Trouble with these type of people is, once you start to find them out, you realise they lie about all types of inconsequential crap. You never know where the truth stops and the lies begin.

I think you are doing the right thing OP. Good luck x

[inlectorecumbit]

I think you have done the right thing.
You don't trust him and he is a liar, it seems to come second nature to him--Red flags !!!

[StellaBrillante]

And the mobile phone is indeed lying around but it's also locked and he changed the setting so that it doesn't display message preview. This was after, on Valentine's Day, a message popped up in the middle of the night asking if was still coming up. It was from the ex-wife as he had arranged to stay with her whilst spending the weekend with the children. The problem is that right at the start of our relationship, he explained to me that he always stayed with one of his closest friends when he is there for the weekend. Interestingly though, when I went up with him once, the friend's lodger didn't seem to have ever met DP. I did ask him afterwards how come he didn't know the guy seeing that DP is up there every other week but he assured me that he did. So there. It's things like this that have got us to where we are today.

And sorry if I sound defensive. I am hoping against hope that somebody will tell me to stop being such a drama queen and get a grip as I do love him. However, I am not going to treated like an idiot.

[StellaBrillante]

Sorry but if you read back to the original post, he has lied before about other things. Bit by bit, as more and more little things happen, you stop trusting.

I can see the boredom and I can even justify it with feeling rather low at the moment, hence the need for attention or for harmless chit-chat but where do you draw the line? I can assure you that he'd have been livid if it had been me doing the same with an ex (and by that I don't mean my ex-husband!).

It turns out that the ring is indeed the same one. Do the posts above mean that I shouldn't think anything of it? That I shouldn't care that he told me this lovely story about how he chose it etc and that it's turned out to be a lie? And let me clarify that I didn't press for details, I accepted the ring for what I thought it was: a demonstration of love and commitment.

As for the job situation, he didn't take a planned career change. He was on a PIP, sick and tired of it and that was his way of dealing with, instead of trying to secure another position first. We all make mistakes but he seems to be on a self-imploding mission. I haven't given him a hard time over the job situation, if anything I've caught myself feeling sad when I thought that when he does find work, we won't be able to do little things which have become part of our routine.

I do believe that he loves me but also that he finds it hard to tell the truth. The problem is that when you are on the receiving end of it, you start to question every single word the other person says as they make it look so easy to tell lie after lie.

And as for the snooping (legally), I never thought I would sink this low but I just had to see for myself what on earth was going on. Trust me, I am my biggest critic and I am kicking myself as it is for doing so but I am also glad that I did it. Best the devil you know.

[MissYouPuppy]

Sorry, I'm not getting this.

He's secretive of his phone - so secretive he barely uses it, leaves it lying around and at least one other person can access it.

He has suspicious e-mail, which you've seen because you have access to his e-mail, hopefully by legal means. Despite this, there's actually nothing suspicious in this unfettered access, but you're suspicious.

His Facebook is all about his relationship with you.

He sent a suspicious e-mail which contains what sounds like the most banal of chit chat, and you have responded by making a point of showing that you have seen this e-mail in the account that you have access to.

And he's suffocating?

You have invaded every private moment of this man's life - even those moments probably lost down the cushion of the sofa of time. I am amazed he's taken this long to snap back at you.

[southseagal]

Got to say OP, from what you've said you have behaved terribly and this poor man is better off with out you in his life. You have zero proof of him doing anything wrong, only suspicion. Now you even admit the photo of the ring is not the ring he gave you. You have sent email from his private account to people you don't know, sent abusive text messages and in your last post you are actually mocking him. I wanted to break that message down a bit - quitting a job to make a new life is very brave, the status obviously was something he was not that attached to so he is probably ok with that. That's two out of three.. and it sounds to me like he loved you and it utterly confused by your behavior. You don't love this man, it sounds to me like you never loved him - you're basically admitting you have behaved terribly then trying to mock the victim of your loss of self control.

In the long run he sounds better off with out you so he can build his new career - which means you are better off as well.

I would suggest professional help to examine what has made you act in such a nasty & destructive fashion before you sabotage all of the relationships you get into.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

I don't get it.

I mean, you are totally within your rights to dump him whenever you like, of course. But what he seems to have wrong is resign from a job, not be able to get another straight away (probably thought he could), and be very bored and getting in touch with all sorts of people, including his exes. So what? You were planning to marry him, but don't want him to ever speak to his exes again, or to be unemployed - that's something that should probably be spelt out. It doesn't sound like he's being inappropriate with these women, at least one of whom I presume is the mother of his children.

[StellaBrillante]

Oh and now he has really lost it all. No job, no status from his main profession and no fiance. What a guy!

[StellaBrillante]

Thank you twinkle. That's what I've done. He mentioned how he was supposed to be bringing his boys down and that we need to talk. I told him to do what he does best: make up a story, or take them to one of this exes. Oh, and for him to let me know when he is planning to collect his stuff etc.

You are right about him trying to find out how much I know. I thought as much and deleted the initial text message that I had written, giving away information. One could argue that it's not fair as I am not giving him a chance to explain but what is there to explain? He wrote to the ex talking about the weather and asking about her trip to Hawaii. The picture of the ring, I am now not so sure... It looks almost like mine but it seems that the gem in the picture looks much smaller so it may be a different ring. Maybe he just makes a habit of proposing and getting dumped for lying. However, why lie about the previous relationship, which supposedly ended 2 years ago? What is there to hide? All the secrecy, sneaking around... he's stressed me out and has hurt me but it must be exhausting to be him!

[TwinkleDust]

You want him gone, right..? So whether he admits stuff now, it is ultimately irrelevant. It hasn't worked out. You could very easily escalate this into huge rows and angst and he may or may not be contrite. But, it sounds like you wouldn't want to resume things ..?

He's certainly done a good job of ticking the boxes for getting dumped: porn, contacting exes, emailing exes (sounds like fishing?), giving you gifts that he had given others and had returned, various lies. It seems that he has crossed more than one of your personal boundaries.

Your text has called him on it, but also invites 'debate' hence the denial and attempt to find out how much you actually know. So he can dig himself out. Chances are, you will never know the complete truth. And if you did, either way, good or bad, the question I'd be asking myself is if it would make any difference to your feelings.

If not, I'd be inclined to keep it simple from now on. Simply text or phone: it's over. Arrange to collect your things.

[Iggly]

Pick up the phone and talk to him. You've got yourself into this mental place but you just don't know if you're right. At least give him a chance to explain.

[StellaBrillante]

I aent the message in the end, also adding that he should go to "ex gilrfriend's pet name" and carry on his conversation face-to-face. He's jsut texted me back saying that he doesn't understand what I am on about and that he's confused!! Avoid & deny for as long as you can???

[StellaBrillante]

OMG! And it gets worse: I've found two pictures of my engagement ring from when he was dating the woman that he's been emailing. Not only that, but he told me that they had only dated for 6 months which is also a lie - a good year, at least and they even took his DC and her DS to Mexico. This was in 2011. What is going on here??? I am SOOOOO confused!!!!

We haven't spoken today and I got back from work to find out that he had (very conveniently) gone to get his DC and bring them down tomorrow for a week - this has been in the diary for ages. Either he's very good at pretending that nothing has happened (ref. email) or he really hasn't put two and two together. He tried to call me in the evening but I was on the phone. I've typed up a text message asking him to let me know when he had a minute if he wanted to talk or when he intends to collect this things. I also wrote that he should take all his soul mate crap, his recycled presents (I am dead certain that the expensive watch on the woman's arm is just like the one he gave me for Christmas) and the ring and give them to who they belonged to. And that I am ashamed of the person that I've become but that I blame it entirely on his lies and deceit. I haven't sent it yet. It's hard to believe that we are beyond salvation now.

[StellaBrillante]

I suppose better now than after we got married... This is madness though. Why do this to me and to us? I don't get it. No justification but I can only think that he's trying to sweeten her up to see if she can get him a job - she's a director at the company that he left. As for the money, they paid him off when he resigned.

He's gone from Knight in shining armour to not much of a catch, hasn't he?

I've never gone through something like this before...

[Jan45]

Two things, why was it ok for him to make himself unemployed and where is his money coming from....???

Secondly, why does he need his ego stroked when he has you - OP, sorry but I wouldn't trust him at all, god knows who he is talking to when sat on his laptop all day.

Bloody awful, contacting his exes when he's with you, he has no respect for you OP, no morals either by the sounds of it, oh, and no job, get rid, seriously.

[mum2bof31986]

I couldn't keep it to myself. I would have yo bring it up. If he tried to blame me for snooping i would simply say you had a gut instinct and it was right! I don't think talking to ex's unless its essential should be allowed. Why ask about her holiday unless he is trying to spark a conversation... Why do it?

[StellaBrillante]

I've been tossing & turning, wondering what to do. Last night he blew something very small out of proportion, made some little speech about asking whether he should go away for a few days to give me some space and then went to sleep in the guest room. I would normally interpret the little speech as attention seeking and I've said it before that if he's got somewhere better to go to then by all means.

Up until that point, it had been a perfect day but I am tired, I've been working very long hours and hadn't had a day off in over a week. I snapped because he spends all the time when I am at home demanding my attention and I just wanted to sit quietly with my book for a little bit. I apologised immediately for how I had responded but instead of just letting it go, he decided to get all worked out and talk about giving me space. Today was the first time when I felt suffocated as he's always around and obviously took offence that I wanted to be left alone - I am not here to entertain him, ffs!

Anyway...I can't sleep and in the meantime, I have come across emails from him to another ex-girlfriend, calling her by his pet name for her and asking about the weather, her holiday etc. I couldn't see a reply but where does this end and where do I draw the line??? He makes himself look pathetic as he's got pictures of us both on facebook for the world to see (with nice comments from his mum), his status shows that he's in a relationship, but nevertheless he's obviously not getting enough... attention (???) at home! And he also makes me look like a fool for being with a guy who's seeking out exes for an ego-stroke or whatever it is.

Soooo... I have done something that I may regret: I emailed his message again to her and copied him in, from his mailbox, so it looks like he's re-sent the message to her and himself twice. He can't raise it with me without getting into trouble but he'll know for sure that, quite frankly, 'game is up'. Rather childishly, I've also gone and hidden my status on facebook (we are not friends anyway) and replaced a photo of us two with a photo where I am alone.

Any thoughts?

[heyday]

I think this very insecure time has caused a loss of self confidence in both of you. This is manifesting itself in him having erectile dysfunctional problems.
You snooped, you discovered things you wished you hadn't and it's cast a dark shadow over your relationship. I too have had to do this recently (not going into details) and it has left me shattered. Not that I found anything terrible but I had to face up to the fact that the person whose privacy I invaded, had a whole private life that I knew nothing about and I wish to god I could undo some of the things that I read and saw.
He is in a difficult place right now, what with having no job and his partner questioning his faithfulness to her.
There will be a divide between you both now and you have two choices: either let these doubts continue to wreck your relationship or draw a line under this episode and try to build the bridges. I think you need to tel him that you felt/are feeling very Insecure at the moment and that you need some reassurance. Hopefully he can give you that reassurance so that you can then reassure him in return that you love him, find him attractive and have belief in him to find a new job.
You need to reconnect again, find the romance again, learn to trust again and hopefully this will bring back his self confidence enough to regain his sexual ability to perform.

[StellaBrillante]

Hi all, sorry it's taken me a while to post an update but I've been working really long hours every day.

Right, the ex-girlfriend (not the ex-wife): as I said before, I think the 'trophy' situation may be a very strong explanation for the pictures and videos. Basically, it's a folder in a USB stick which has got loads of old and more recent stuff on it - work stuff, CVs, a few pics of his children, pics of him with another ex-girlfriend but nothing indecent (he obviously didn't lock himself for 7 years after his divorce) etc. The guilty folder looks to have come from her camera and she obviously named it and you know what? I actually feel guilty that I saw them - we all have a past and whatever they did as a couple is none of my business. Back to him keeping them though, the USB wasn't hidden but it was put away with other rather unimportant stuff. And two things here: 1. she is famous (very famous in her field of expertise, as in television appearances / newspaper interviews famous) and she's a whole 17 years younger than him. Sooooo... on that basis, he would save those, wouldn't he?? For a split of a second, I was tempted to post them all on to her twitter account. Joking!!!

It took me a couple of days to put the images aside in my head but I think I am there now. I do think that I invaded somebody else's privacy and I still have pictures with my ex in a box in the guest room although I've never been trusting enough to have racy moments photographed or videod so all pretty generic moments.

The mobile phone: I did question that and DP just said that he's always done that so nothing falls on the screen. He also pointed out that he's always done so but would stop if it bothered me. On that note, he is very careful with stuff and is always telling me off for leaving my watch face down etc. Plus DS knows the password for DP's phone and is often using it to remote control the music system. Basically, the phone can be found pretty much around the clock on the kitchen bench as opposed to hidden somewhere.

I don't think he's controlling as such but rather insecure. Somebody who enjoyed the limelight in his heyday, who likes attention and needs to have his ego stroked. Hence why I suspect that the job situation is having a much bigger impact than he's prepared to admit. He's gone from trying to impress me with his past achievements, a stable job with a very good salary and the attention that he was still getting, to suddenly not having an income, no limelight and most probably worrying that I will decide that this isn't for me.

As it stands at the moment, we've moved on to another problem which is that he's been finding it more and more difficult to have sex or to climax. He wants to but he can't maintain his erection. He is still an extremely attentive lover and he always makes sure that I am satisfied but there's obviously an issue there. The first few times when we had sex, he also seemed to go soft halfway through intercourse and at the time it was clear that he found it disconcerting. That passed and I put it down to nerves; but now it's happening again although he claims that there's nothing wrong...

[LizzieBelle]

He sounds a tad controlling. Is he just cocklodging?? If so, you need to get rid of this lodger before his money runs out and he has an excuse to stay

[SirRaymondClench]

How did you get through the evening with him Op?
I'd be livid about him keeping videos and photos of his ex.
I think you're right to trust your gut instinct with this one.

[Branleuse]

trust your gut feeling here. We have instincts for a reason

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

This is awful. I also am a proponent of 'trust your gut'.
Sorry, but the first thing that came to mind...could he have photos of you as well via hidden camera?

The particular attentions he is giving you may be a strategy of distraction; look at all the things my right hand is doing for you, pay no attention to what the left hand is up to. Such a manipulation! With all the great things he is doing for you, how dare you complain? Even if at 99%, the good can not override the nastiness of the betraying 1%.

[Roseflowers]

Stella, it's really horrible when the trust evaporates in a relationship and I well remember the gut wrenching feeling you get knowing your partner is being shady with their phone etc. Sadly if I was in your shoes I would be suspicious too, I don't think your feelings are unfounded. My last partner was a model boyfriend, caring and lovely, would come pick me up from work, make me dinner, incredibly affectionate, always gave me his full attention...he would behave in all the nice ways your partner does. Sadly he was also chatting to numerous girls on facebook. I had a nagging feeling but no real evidence, and so I held on until I saw something concrete (naked pictures ahoy!) and confronted him. The phone face down thing to me is an incredible screaming read flag, another ex did this all the time and he was up to all sorts. In short, I don't think your mistrust is unfounded.

Its up to you if you want to try and have a calm, adult, reasoned conversation with your partner about how you're feeling . I think his reaction in response to that could potentially speak volumes about what (if anything is going on). Hugs to you x