would you rather be the cheater or the cheatee?

[GreatAuntDinah]

Another thread has got me mildly speculating. My ex ran off with an OW eight years ago in spectacularly shitty circumstances, kept the house, and had a couple of kids within a couple of years. It took me three or four years to rebuild my life and I nearly missed the boat on kids (had my DS recently with fertility treatment and getting married this summer ). In the long term, which of us is better off? Eight years on, would I choose the burden of long-term residual guilt or the shitstorm followed by the moral high ground? What do you think?

Good question, great. I think there's no doubt that in the moment and short-term the pain is worst for the cheatee, but as you say, things tend to balance out in the long-terms somewhat. It's not really a situation where anyone wins. Even when a couple get through a betrayal like that, it can leave permanent scars, which is why, however they turn out, affairs are often such spectacularly bad ideas.

Congratulations on the wedding.

Cheatee - my dignity and self respect is all I have left anyway! They'd be gone if I cheated.

IMO as always. YMMV.

Cheaters re-write history so they feel fine about it I think. Well done for moving on and getting a better life for yourself though. I'm glad I got shot of mine too now.

I don't think it ultimately matters as long as you learn something from the experience. People make mistakes, act foolishly, trust unwisely and hurt others or get hurt themselves in the process.... we can either choose to be defined by the past or resolve to make a better future

I like to be in control of my own destiny and make my own choices. Being the cheater retains that, being the cheatee you have no power and just have to deal with what life has thrown at you. I've been cheated on in a previous relationship, raped too. I'd never cheap on my DH because if the marriage wasn't working I'd have enough standards to dissolve it before moving on.

Neither! You can't help it if you are the cheatee- I would never be a cheater, too stressful.

Actually knowing my ex, I don't think he has any residual guilt. He came out of it with a pretty nice life. Maybe if I were in his shoes I'd have convinced myself it was the right thing to do too.

I agree - neither. Would never cheat, and having been cheated on, and the ex has re-written history, I would never want to be the cheatee again either.

Well obviously neither goes without saying in an ideal world...

You are moving on and and getting better. He is an arse and pond scum not worthy of further consideration. Eventually what goes around will com around and he will drown in his own shite. Arranging this is not your problem.

I would rather be the cheatee, the initial hell would eventually pass and I could dust myself off and move on knowing I did nothing wrong.

even if your ex has no guilt, and seemingly stepped into a perfect life, they might have a terrible relationship underneath it all, I mean if I was the OW I would always have this niggling worry that there will one day be a new OW...

It sounds like you're doing well, congrats on your DS and upcomibg wedding

Eventually what goes around will come around

I wish I believed that, but there are no signs of karma so far.

He's got a wife and kids, I've got a DP and kid. He did better than me getting the house, but DP and I aren't too badly off either. While I'd like to think the moral high ground is the better choice, I suspect he has no problem at all sleeping at night. So if you have good history rewriting skills and enough of a sense of entitlement, maybe being the cheater is the better bet. A few people will think you're a shit; the majority will shrug and move on.

Meh, it's all just philosophical musings to take my mind off work

I learned an enormous amount about myself by being the cheatee and never having been in the position of being a cheater, I can only speak from experience. Therefore I am relieved I was the cheatee (that word sounds more bizarre each time I say it to myself )

Can't speak from my ex husbands experience (cheater) but he seems very happy and, so far, he hasn't been run over by the karma bus!

I'd rather be the cheater than cheatee but would prefer neither. I don't think the vast majority of those who cheat feel any compunction at all, they may feel guilty for a moment but possibly only because they're causing themselves distress not because they've caused someone else distress.

Neither, but if I had to be one then the cheater. I've got too many issues as it is to deal with being cheated on by someone I really loved.

Cheater. I simply don't think I would survive another time like I went through 2 years go. It nearly broke me

My ex has started messaging me things like "Do you remember when we did x" and "I'm listening to y and it always makes me smile and think of you" type messages. Does that mean he regrets it? I fucking well hope so with all my fucking heart.

Gosh sorry. That all just came...spilling out!

Been both. Neither really works for me. .

BTB bitout (block the bastard!)

I have Dinah. And then he finds another way. Block texts so he whatsapps. Block that and he emails...YOu get the picture. Wanker (him not you!)

No Bit - it means he wants to tug your chain. What a cock

Yep Freudian. You are right. To do what that man did to me means he cannnot have one gram of remorse in his body

Just to add, as a postcrpt, that I am very very happy and content with a wonderful man who has restored my faith in mankind and makes me feel very safe and loved.

So even if he came back on bended knee I would just laugh in his face

Neither option is my style tbh.

Well obviously not. This is a philosophical debate!

As a cheatee I would choose that again despite the pain. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror if I had an affair but that's because I'm loyal and have integrity by the bucketful unlike my XH who I think sleeps just fine at night with his latest wife. I used to get comfort from the notion of karma but I think he's very happy in his new life.