would you rather be the cheater or the cheatee?

[GreatAuntDinah]

Another thread has got me mildly speculating. My ex ran off with an OW eight years ago in spectacularly shitty circumstances, kept the house, and had a couple of kids within a couple of years. It took me three or four years to rebuild my life and I nearly missed the boat on kids (had my DS recently with fertility treatment and getting married this summer ). In the long term, which of us is better off? Eight years on, would I choose the burden of long-term residual guilt or the shitstorm followed by the moral high ground? What do you think?

Cheater then i would have control. But I really don't understand cheating. If you don't want the relationship get out of it. Then look for the next person - to me they're separate things.

Picking up the pieces being dumped cheatee takes years. I'll never know what happened and Ex very much feels it was mutual and how lucky we are that it was all so straightforward. He trusts me why can't we all just be friends now we're both remarried. He really doesn't understand the difference between being civil to each other for the sake of the children and being friends.

Rant over. Oddly Emotionally stirring this thread.

Having been in both situations: in the short term, I would say being cheated on is horrible, the shock, the jealousy, the rage, the inability to stop thinking about it... but longer term I'd rather be the cheatee.

The guilt from cheating and the sense of having destroyed something precious and sacred is something which I have only done once in my life and will never do again.

neither !
but it's nonsense to say cheaters always rewrite history .
to my shame I was once a cheater. terrible terrible mistake . my DP was however lazy and nasty ( not all the time of course ) and threatened to ruin me if I left him..

lots of people, who cheat have utterly shitty partners ( OP in no way directed at you ) who don't deserve them.
I did Not rewrite history. I wish I could now, to erase the affair . Cheating is never a good idea.

Cheater then i would have control. But I really don't understand cheating. If you don't want the relationship get out of it. Then look for the next person - to me they're separate things

That's my thoughts, but then I've always treated others as I'd wish to be treated myself.

Cheaters are those who consider themselves the most important things on the planet with everything, and everyone else way down the list. They are selfish.

Yes but what if being selfish gets you a nicer life than integrity? Maybe the moral high ground is just a consolation prize we cheatees invent to make ourselves feel better...

My mum cheated on my dad. I would say my dad had the last laugh.

My mum cheated & left him for a man who turned out to be an abusive sack of shit, 30 years on she is still with him & he has just about destroyed her. He also cheated on his wife & his children are NC with him.

My dad met and remarried a delightful woman who loved him completely and cared for until the day he died (sadly, my dad also had a shed load of health problems - he really was dealt a shitty hand).

My mum has rewritten history, but I haven't. I get on well with her, but I don't pretend what she did was OK. I have had to let it go somewhat, as her vile husband is her ultimate punishment for her cruel deception. His lack of contact with his children would be his punishment, if he gave a shit about anyone but himself.

id rather be cheated on.

I couldnt bear to be in a relationship where I was unhappy enough to even be tempted to cheat