He's putting the house on the market

[justgirl]

He no longer feels anything towards me, and doubts he ever will again. I feel crushed, and my heart is breaking not only for me but for our poor poor 2 little DC's. I don't want them to lose their family or their home. I can't bare it and I just want it all to end

Are you married? If so he can't just put the house on the market! Why does he want to split. Did he give you a reason?

Some background would be helpful. Is he entitled to sell the property? Does he have your permission?

If it's any reassurance, what constitutes 'a family' is just a group of people that love each other. They don't have to all live under the same roof to be a family.

Oh I'm so sorry about this.
Basically he has another woman!
Time to get practical.
If you are main/resident carer to your 2 DC you may well be able to stay in the house.
Get to a solicitor quick sharp. Like today.
He can't just put the house on the market.
That is NOT how it works.
This man is now your enemy.
You need to protect yourself and your DC! You need to get what is rightfully yours.
That is a big percentage of the house while you have the kids. Half of all assets including his pension!
Don't listen to anything he says about money. He will not have a real clue about any of it. He will try to fob you off.
Solicitor - TODAY!!!

So sorry you are going through this.
Many of us have been there so please keep posting for support.

Look after yourself. You will feel sick to your stomach. You will cry and cry and cry and the tears will keep coming.

You need some real life support as well.
Get friends and family to rally round and help you with all this.
Do not hide this.

He's having an affair and it's not up to you to hide it. You need support so go get it.
(I am making assumptions but you can almost guarantee there is someone else on the scene)
for you!

Are you married? If so he cannot put the house on the market without your consent.

Hellsbells - he 100% does not have another woman.

We are not married but the house is in both of our names, I am not able to pay it by myself.

We split for a few months approx. a year and a half ago, it was essentially my choice. We had some time apart and we gave it another shot (been together since '05) things were great for a while then we slipped, constant arguing, and I now feel like I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, although of course, he sees it that he does nothing wrong, and I do everything. I want us to get counselling, I don't know why he has changed into such a nasty, angry man. He is prone to violent outbursts (not physically violent towards me or dc, but throwing/smashing/slamming and just generally getting into an angry rage, often completely unjustified) he can't see it, so much so that I start to wonder if it IS me?! Am I the mad one who can't see that it is my fault?

I am exasperated, and he is right, we can't carry on like this, but there are other solutions than just throwing it all away.

I feel like I've been suppressed as a person, and I'm not "allowed" to be me (again, he denies this) and so maybe I don't try anymore? But I feel he wants all the trying to be down to me whilst he can carry on how he likes.

Other than the occasional shouting in front of the kids (which is obviously awful) the only thing I am certain of is that he is a fantastic father, we are very much 50/50 as parents, I would in fact say he is a far better parent than myself.

Sorry, but I would still say with that behaviour he 100% has another woman. And a fantastic dad doesn't treat his kids' mum that way. As someone's said already - he's your enemy now. Don't let him dictate anything. You don't have to afford the home. He still had to pay. Get legal advice and be ruthless. Look after yourself and your Dc. Screw him.

Your relationship is over.

This man does not make a good husband.

Your relationship did not work, you are not right together. Accept this is the first step.

Second step is to protect your self and your children. How do you know you cant afford the house? Do you work? How will you house, cloth and feed you and your children?

You are on your own now and its time to start planing.

If the house is in both names then he cannot sell it without your consent.

Is he stressed at work? money worries or anything that could account for these outbursts?

If he doesn't want counselling and is aiming the blame your direction then I'm afraid you are on an uphill struggle down a one way street.

"He is prone to violent outbursts (not physically violent towards me or dc, but throwing/smashing/slamming and just generally getting into an angry rage, often completely unjustified) he can't see it, so much so that I start to wonder if it IS me?! Am I the mad one who can't see that it is my fault?"

If he does this again, please call the police immediately and have him removed. Smashing things is Domestic Violence. The message he's giving you is that the next thing he might smash is your face. It's intimidating behaviour and it is wrong.

Of course he's not a 'fantastic father'! Fantastic fathers don't smash up the place and verbally abuse the mother of their children. Stop thinking that he's a great father and stop thinking it now. You're the one who doesn't want to live like this, either for yourself or the children. You are clearly a better parent than he is!

FFS stop insisting there must be another woman. My husband stopped loving me. I was devastated. No one else involved. He just went off me. It happens.

This was nearly 20 years ago , and we are both fine !

Everything HopeClearWater says. Get to a solicitor, find out what you can do to protect yourself and your DCs.

You are not the mad one. This is abuse.

In my experience men who stop loving you in this way most certainly do have an OW - but that aside, he is abusive. And he can't sell the house if it is in your name. You need to lawyer up pronto tbh.

And someone with violent outbursts who is selling their home from under them is not a fantastic father at all.

It doesn't' matter if you can't afford it on your own , that will be sorted out in the financial settlement, he may have to pay part of the mortgage, of course ultimately you may decide to sell , but it certainly isn't just his decision.You need a lawyer , most will do a 30 minute free appointment

Thank you mrsbrown! I am not a deluded, twee little lady who's having the wool pulled over their eyes. There is not an OW. Catagorically.

Yes, he is stressed with a failing family (his) business, we have big money worries - yada yada. This is why I want to go counselling, I want to help him through his issues too. We have had a rough time as a family, I don't think what he says and does is okay, but if we all walked away from these things then there would be no support there surely? I am not excusing him, in no way at all....and I know you don't know us, but he would never "smash my face" he vents in the wrong way, of course he does. I've smashed a few things in my time, it doesn't mean I would hurt a person?

Surely there Are people that HAVE come through things like this for the better? Or at least tried? I don't know.

Equally I am not ignoring anybody's advise that says arm myself etc. I appreciate all of your replies

"Surely there Are people that HAVE come through things like this for the better? Or at least tried? I don't know."

Once a relationship is violent, aggressive and one of the people in it are acting irrationally then the only sane course of action is to either remove them or yourself from the picture. You may not think your safety is at risk but it is very unfair to have little DCs living in such an acrimonious atmosphere Support him by all means but not while you are under the same roof

just I'm sorry you are in this position

But you must wake up, stop thinking about supporting him throughhis troubles (how does he support you btw?) and start thinking about your children. And their future security. Start thinking clearly for them if not for yourself

Go to see a lawyer. That doesn't sutomatically mean you will split. But what harm can it do to have a bit nore information and power?

One thing I do know is that no decent estate agent will put a house on the market without the consent of each and every owner of the property. So he will be on a hiding to nothing there. If he does manage to hoodwink one, then you simply tell them to take it off the market or you will sue them for your half of its value.

He has actually gone to stay elsewhere for now, so on that note, we are not currently under the same roof. Obviously I feel trapped, because I want us to work through things BUT I know I don't deserve the things he says to me or to feel like I'm on eggshells. My head is just all over the place.

If he's gone, that's good. Sometimes support and working through things requires tough love i.e. being uncompromising, setting high standards and having strong boundaries. He can't put the house on the market without your permission, that's been established. So now - to get away from the trapped feeling - you operate as though you are an independent person already. That means securing your home, getting legal advice and making plans in which he doesn't necessarily feature.

Who else is involved in the family business that is failing?

There is a way back. Of course you shouldn't put yourself or your children in any danger.

Most of us, that live here in the real world, will have sometimes ,through frustration, have smashed a plate, slammed a door from its hinges, brandished a shotgun during an argument. It's not healthy, it's not ideal, but it does sometimes happen. I know that I've done all of those things (with the exception of the shotgun obviously) but the idea that it would escalate beyond that is fanciful.

Not many here will stick up for your husband. I don't know him (or you) so won't. But I would say that you shouldn't underestimate the pressure he'll be putting himself under to provide. I know I'm at my worst when things aren't as I'd wish them to be financially. As a father, it's your job to provide, when that's jepordised, you struggle to maintain your sanity. I know this from personal experience.

Of course he shouldn't be able to sell the house from under you, but if you instigated the previous separation, it might not be a bad idea for him to be given the opportunity to have some space .

Good luck

I have never smashed a plate or slammed a door from its hinges in an argument. But this isn't about me or you. The OP described the behaviour as 'violent outbursts'... 'angry rages'... and that it is 'unjustified' ie. out of all proportion. When someone is behaving irrationally and is unstable then of course it can easily escalate to physical violence. It doesn't matter that the perpetrator was under great stress to provide if the result is ... like the tragic Foster family in 2009... that Dad decides to put everyone out of his misery. An extreme example to make a serious point.

My ex and I just sold our family home. He cannot sell it without your agreement.

We both had to sign paperwork stating we were happy to sell it.

They also do identity checks etc so he will struggle to do this without your permission.

I'm sorry but I agree that there is another woman. Men don't just leave a cosy set up unless there is. Even if there isn't the fact that he is an abusive twat should be a massive signal to get the hell out... For you. Sod him. Let him get on with it but try to get what you can.

Malice my eyes nearly rolled out of my head reading your post.

I have also never smashed, slammed or brandished anything in a row.

Of course you're going to stand up for the OP's abusive husband because somehow you think that will help justify your own behaviour. Wgich is NOT acceptable.

Lots of men and women are under pressure to provide. Myself included. That does not give me a carte blanche to become violent or fly into rages with my innocent family.

ow go away and stop trying to make the OP feel like her DH's unacceptable behaviour is OK / her fault.