Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

He's putting the house on the market

47 replies

justgirl · 17/07/2014 11:06

He no longer feels anything towards me, and doubts he ever will again. I feel crushed, and my heart is breaking not only for me but for our poor poor 2 little DC's. I don't want them to lose their family or their home. I can't bare it and I just want it all to end

OP posts:

MaliceInWonderland78 · 17/07/2014 17:51

Well I have. And so has my wife. It'd be easy to sit here anonymously and claim that I haven't. But the fact is that I have. I'm not especially proud of it.

I don't need to justify my own behaviour; I'm just seasoned enough to know that there is:

The world as Mumsnetters would wish it to be;
The world as everyone else would wish it to be; and
The world we live in.

OP, I hope you manage to resolve the issues. I'm concerned that you seem to be waling on eggshells. I've been there, done that. I just want you to know that there is a way back.

Cog Yes a very extreme example!

MaliceInWonderland78 · 17/07/2014 17:53

In the interests of full disclosure. I've smashed a plate (a bowl actually), and slammed countless doors!

BitOutOfPractice · 17/07/2014 17:55

Well that's not a world I live in Malice. Nor one that I wish to. Or I wish my DC to. It sounds like a very beak place. And not one that the OP deserves to live in

Original poster

justgirl · 17/07/2014 17:57

I don't get why some posters seem to think the only way someone will "leave a cosy set up" is because of somebody else?! People can just stop loving other people, it is entirely possible!!! It isn't a cosy set up if we argue all the time and he isn't happy, is it? I'm sure you'd have said the same about me when we split before, there was nobody else and there is 100% nobody else now. End of, on that front. It is not possible and I know it.

I can't remember who asked, but his family business involves himself and his parents and it has been constant strain on our entire relationship, from the very beginning.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 18:00

It was me who asked about the business. You mentioned being a cook. Is it a family restaurant that's failing?

mindyourown1 · 17/07/2014 18:02

Normally men will stay in a relationship unless there is someone new, but women will leave to be alone. Sweeping generalisation maybe, but often true. I have never known a man to fall out of love or lose the spark or whatever other shite they pedal, and there not be someone new waiting in the wings.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 18:12

@mindyourown1.... Those are sweeping generalisations & I think the big difference in this case is the wholly erratic behaviour of the DH. People who leave relationships for someone new are often unreasonable or unpleasant with their partner as they seek to rationalise their departure. 'I've not been happy for a long time' and other set pieces. I could be wrong but this man, from the pencil sketch, is acting more like someone having a mental crisis. Doesn't mean that the OP has to tolerate the behaviour, of course.

StrongerSingle · 17/07/2014 18:14

OP, people are mentioning an OW not because he says he has fallen out of love with you, but because of his anger, temper etc.
Far too many here have lived through finding out about an OW, even though they totally, utterly believed it would never happen to them(me included). And when we look back, we realise that the guilty partner was unusually angry, with temper outbursts. This was caused by their guilt.

We are just worried that is what is happening here. But if you are totally sure it isn't the case, then fair enough :)

By the way, if property is in both your names, he cannot sell without your approval.

Truly hope this all works itself out for you x

Original poster

justgirl · 17/07/2014 18:19

Cogito I don't recall mentioning anyone being a cook?? I bake, but that my thing. It is a "seasonal" business that they own, so during the winter months they enter into extreme debt, claw it back during summer, then start the process over.

I can see that affairs are often the reason for that behaviour, but I am 100% that it is not and that is not a doubt in my mind, I obviously know our set up, and it would be nigh on impossible for him to conduct an affair even if he wanted to. This is all pointless anyway I guess. He's made his mind up, he wants out. Nothing I can do.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 17/07/2014 18:22

Cog I thnk that's another OP from this afternoon that you're thinking of...

traviata · 17/07/2014 18:32

op he could be ordered to pay the mortgage for a period of time to keep a roof over DC's head, so the fact you can't afford it alone is not necessarily decisive.

Please go to a solicitor asap, and look at what tax credits/benefits you'd be entitled to if you become a sole parent, and start to investigate mortgages that will accept tax credit/benefit income. You might have more options than you think.

mindyourown1 · 17/07/2014 18:34

I agree with temper outbursts as a mark of their guilt - plus they have to make the wife out to be a monster to justify their own unfaithfulness.

And unless you are with someone 24 hours a day you can never be 100% sure there is no affair.

Charley50 · 17/07/2014 18:45

Re: the other woman.. My partner left me for computer games! :-( It does happen sometimes that there isn't another woman.

Original poster

justgirl · 17/07/2014 18:58

He is with me majority of the time, and when he's not, it is extremely rare for me to not know where he is or who he is with.....he doesn't even really have "access" to other women per say. His friendship group doesn't involve women, and they aren't "those types of boys" to encourage adultery.

I would like to say now that he is utterly paranoid that I will have/am having an affair, he doesn't trust me one iota despite never doing anything break it (in that sense, obviously I broke some kind of trust when I instigated our split previously, but nothing of the affair kid)....I know that will just cement the "he's having an affair" notion. he isn't, though.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 17/07/2014 19:21

I know you're adament OP but accusing the partner of an affair s classic behaviour of someone who is having an affair.

My exDP, who was totally devoted to me, and who worked in an exclusively male environment, managed it

mindyourown1 · 17/07/2014 19:33

my ex was completely and utterly devoted too - until I found the online profiles on affair websites, the hotel payments, trips away. I would have sworn on our child's life I knew where he was and what he was doing - how wrong was I. Mine worked in an all male environment too - use to joke he would never even meet anyone to have an affair with anyway - hilarious.

Original poster

justgirl · 17/07/2014 20:20

But work wise I do know where he is, he is with his parents, it is detailed exactly where he is at all times when out on jobs etc. He doesn't work away. He doesn't have private cards/money, he is far from the sort to "meet women online" - he genuinely is not having an affair. I'm sure he thinks about other women, and probably how great it would be, but it just isn't happening!

OP posts:

mrsbrownsgirls · 17/07/2014 21:57

how many times do you want the Op to say there is no one else involved? just because you thought the same and someone WAS involved does not mean the same is true for her. give her a break.. She came here seeking help and some of you are determined to add ANOTHER problem to the mix.

OP forgive me if I missed this, but do you love him ? do you crave a loving close relationship with him? or are you more scared about the logistics of breaking up the family ? ( childcare, finances etc )

without wishing to project my experience ( I am critical of those who have done the same re OW) I stayed for years in an unhappy relationship because I feared the solution would be worse then the problem.

we have recently separated. It took me years to get the courage/ fire and I am not suggesting you should do the same.. seems like you are both under a ton of stress and the house sale thing may be a knee jerk reaction on his part.

ask yourself honestly if it is him you want or separation that you fear. and good luck. x

Granville72 · 18/07/2014 11:17

Why does everyone jump on the 'he's having an affair' band wagon?

People fall out of love, grow apart, don't want to be together anymore, doesn't mean they are having an affair, it happens.

If you are arguing, unhappy, work stress etc then it will get on top of you and cause angry outbursts and tension.

The OP has repeatedly said he is not having an affair yet the majority of you ignore her because obviously she is oblivious and he has to be having an affair because he's a bloke and doesn't love her anymore.

If you want to offer advise and support the Op, then start by respecting what she is saying and not ignoring it.

Jan45 · 18/07/2014 13:55

Fact is OP, the relationship doesn't work and hasn't for a while, be honest with yourself, what feels the best thing to do right now, don't listen to your heart, listen to your head.

Jan45 · 18/07/2014 13:56

Granville: probably because 90% of the time it turns out to be true, folk are going to post what they think, whether the OP accepts and agrees is really irrelevant.

NotNewButNameChanged · 18/07/2014 14:00

This relationship is over, has been for a long time and you need to realise it and take the necessary steps.
I wish some people on MN would deal with facts rather than automatically always jumping to certain conclusions. Yes, in some cases you will be right and in others wrong. But you do not know 100% and sweeping generalisations can be unhelpful. I left my ex. I'm a man. There was no one else involved.

Flip

1 2