DP is (unintentionally?) emotionally abusive - advice needed

[LightsInTheAttic]

Morning all. Apologies for length.

DP likes arguing, traditionally I don't (previous abusive relationships, long-term neurological issues). More than happy to have discussions, but once voices get raised, I tend to disengage until there's calm and we can talk it out without DP getting riled up. This is apparently "me getting my way" and I'm made to feel guilty about it.

In recent times, I've been really trying to control this response so DP couldn't make me feel guilty - if I was able to de-escalate the situation or at least try to reason, I figure I can't be seen as "getting my own way".

All this changed the other week when DP had an accident at the gym, and ended up with a broken foot. Cue me making trips to A&E, taking the next day off work to go to the fracture clinic, running round making food, filling the dishwasher, cleaning up after DP's dog, coming home for lunch when I could - anything that DP couldn't easily do that I was asked, I did.

After DP got a bit more mobile, I was able to relax a little. I gladly filled the kettle in the morning and made DP a coffee, but told DP I resented being asked/told to make proper coffee half a dozen times a day when DP was perfectly capable of going 5 metres to the kitchen with the travel mug that fit perfectly on the bar of the crutches, and perfectly happy with the instant. This was not an isolated incident, and just one example.

Cut to yesterday - got home from a hectic day at work and still had work to do later that evening. DP had done some washing, but the dishwasher had been filled poorly, so most of the stuff was still dirty. Asked what DP wanted for dinner, and got a series of noncommittal replies culminating in "OK, I'm going to play this game and take a look", but what I heard was "Are we going to play this game where you make me look?".

Rather than face down an argument, I went in to the kitchen and just found something in the fridge to make. As I'm looking through, I get DP at the door asking why I'm upset. I start trying to say something, at which point DP lets loose with the raised voice. For some reason, I go louder on the raised voice. DP looks shocked, tells me I misheard, then storms off shouting about how dare I speak like that, then comes back less than 5 minutes later to shout at me about shouting. The irony was lost on DP.

It kept up, and I tried standing my ground, but I couldn't. I asked DP to leave me alone. DP kept telling me I'd been the one to raise my voice, I'd misheard, I'd not done XYZ that had never been asked of me, I should be doing more than I am and instinctively know what DP wants.

The time rolls around for me to pop out for work stuff, and I do, leading to a curt phone call from DP about where I've gone to. I get back to more shouting for "leaving DP", and it keeps going. In a desperate bid for something to distract me, I grab a black bag and start filling it. No good. I close the kitchen door over to catch a second's break. No good. I broke, and old habits kicked in - I headed out the back to my car and closed the door. DP followed, tapping crutches on the car window, grabbing the handle, etc.

This morning, I'm really looking forward to work, but not to coming home. I'm trying to find somewhere to go for the afternoon/evening. In the meantime, I need to figure out how to tell DP that what happened was wrong - I'm being gaslighted about the argument and shouted at until I can't fight back, and I have no idea if DP even realises it.

Thanks in advance for any help.

How long have you been together? Strikes me that, if you are aware that you are conflict-averse and don't like raised voices, you're not going to get very far in a relationship with someone who 'likes arguing'. It's a big incompatibility. I'm glad you stood your ground - that sounds like progress. I don't think it was right that - if I'm reading this right - that he chose to raise his voice, keep raising it and then follow you out to the car, trying the door handle and tapping on the window. When he followed you out to the car was he doing so in an apologetic 'come back in and let's talk' sort of way, or was he perpetuating the shouting? If it's the latter then it sounds a lot like bullying.

Horrible. What cogito said about fundamental incompatibility. Do you have children together?

Ltb

You're not happy.

The situation won't change.

Forget him and move on.

Thanks, all. To address some questions:

Been together about a year. No kids.

Generally speaking, everything is great with us, but when something goes wrong, I try to talk it out, DP gets to arguing. I've tried having this conversation before to explain not every disagreement/debate is an argument, but it doesn't take for some reason.

I went to the car crying. Closed the back door, locked the car door. DP came out, kept having a go, trying the handle, said things like "Oh, of course, I'm always the bad guy", then after that didn't work, tried asking me to come in. I opened the car door, got about 5 words in to my first sentence before I was interrupted (another favourite). For a while now, I've decided that if I get interrupted mid-sentence in times like this, I will stop, wait for the interruption to stop, and then begin the whole sentence from the start. This annoys DP like you wouldn't believe, but it does get results - namely that I get to finish a sentence. This time I just closed the car door again. I tuned DP out after that.

I'm really trying to be happy. It's been part of my treatment for my condition for some time that I make a real effort to be happy because it doesn't come easily. I'm still trying, brave face and all, but sometimes it's just too tough.

Horrible man. I cannot bear arguing either.

Also, he is totally taking the piss. I recently had a stress fracture in my foot and travelled 55km to work and back each day. Did all my usual tasks, nobody waiting on me.

If somebody had waited on me, I would have been immensely grateful.

If it's only been a year I say you get the hell out of there. Sounds to me as though any honeymoon period of good behaviour has worn off and you're seeing the real him. Assuming he knows your fears I think he's deliberately playing on them. Makes him a bully, I'm sorry. There's no point you making a real effort to be happy whilst at the same time trying to tolerate someone who is going all out to make you unhappy.

Oh, I have no problem helping DP out - I love to cook, in particular, and odd bits like putting the kettle on aren't strange to me at all, but I made it clear there'd be no little silver bell.

DP told me that if I was the one off work with the fracture, I'd "have lunch in the fridge every day and my every need seen to", and honestly, I'd absolutely hate that. As soon as I could manage it, I'd be clamouring to get in to the kitchen, grabbing the nearest pack of food (probably bacon for me), whacking the pan on, and falling in to a state of bliss at the first sizzle. Maybe I'm different like that.

Agree with both Cogito's posts above. If you are 'trying to be happy' it sounds like that will always be an uphill battle with this guy. Why not start over and look for someone who will actually be nice to you and make it easy to be happy? There are plenty out there, believe it or not.

I don't think the label you put on his behaviour matters so much as the realisation that it makes a relationship between you unworkable. If you are arguing this much in the first year, which you could expect to be the honeymoon period, it doesn't bode well for your compatibility. Cut your losses.

A fractured foot is not that bad, really. It makes getting around a bit tricky but you don't need your "every need seen to".

I'd think long and hard about carrying on - there's the shouting, which will erode your confidence over time, and also the issue of him expecting you to pander to him. Neither of those expectations is likely to change. I can say as well, if someone has an expectation of being waited on, nothing you do for them will be good enough. Does he look after you? It's slightly more understandable if you have evidence that he is someone who reciprocates and smothers you with help, even if you don't like it.

I suppose I'm looking for a way to help DP see what this behaviour is. I know this won't happen without some sort of confrontation, and I'm bracing myself for it, but I can't bear the thought of someone else having to go through this in my place. In an ideal world, I'd go in guns blazing, with a rant laden with four-letter words, and speak my mind. I'm not very good at that bit.

Trust me, he knows he's doing it. There is no way to "explain" it to him and get him to behave better, because he enjoys behaving in this way to you.

There's no future in this. It's only been a year. You don't owe him a future on the basis of that. Find someone who actually makes you happy and doesn't get a kick out of arguing and making you unhappy.

I think it's very likely that while you are with him you will never make good progress on treating your condition because this will be sapping your happiness and confidence.

Why do you need to help him see it? I think you need to protect yourself from more distress as a priority.

He can see what his behaviour is. When the person you've just been yelling at is so distressed that they've locked themselves in their car, you don't need it spelling out to know that your behaviour has put them there.

He knows the buttons to push and he's pushing them.

It was shit before he hurt himself. It has escalated while he is hurt.

Talking it out calmly is not you getting your way it is talking calmly without one of you shouting the other down.

It won't get better.

He likes arguing. You don't. Why should you modify your behaviour for someone who likes shouting at you? By the way you can argue/debate without shouting that is just his method of over powering your point of view. Deliberately.

You've only been together a year? Wow...he's looking for a mummy not a partner...in your position I'd grab my bacon and get the hell out!

I broke my foot once. I was alone, and looking after 3 kids under 4. Hurt like a motherfucker for the first few days but I managed.

What bone did he break? Is he wearing one of those moon boot thingies? Or plaster?

I'm sorry OP, this man would have chosen you precisely because he knows you are upset by his shouting. This then sets up a dynamic where he can then rail even further when his shouting causes you even more upset. This is an awful situation to be in if you don't like confrontation.

A mature partner would be one who can change his behaviour, take a deep breath and say "OK, lets sit down and discuss this without raised voices". But unfortunately, I don't think he has that sort of maturity, and hence can change. As someone said above, Your styles of conflict management are fundamentally different, and it doesn't work. Been there, done that, but with a sulker, rather than a shouter.

I'm not sure if he's looking for a mummy so much as a punchbag.

If you confront him OP it's one more thing for him to argue about isn't it?
He's going to love it. On and on he will go following you upstairs, downstairs, out to the car, furiously telling you you're the one raised the subject, raised your voice etc.

You've had enough of these kinds of relationships right?

You can't help him see it, you can't make him change, you just have to decide if this is how you want to live.

Why do you think this is unintentional on his part? Because he's a nice guy in between incidents? They all are. (Abusers, I mean)

All the evidence you need that he intends to play dirty was there when he accused you of raising your voice. Unlike all the other times when he did it. Which was apparently fine.

This is not someone you can have a happy relationship with. His intention is to dominate.

You can't mould a person into the partner you want them to be. You get what you're given. If that person isn't right, the answer isn't to "make them see," it's to move on and find someone who is right. It sounds like you're both unhappy and you're both expecting each other to change. He's going about it in a really nasty, bullying way, but in essence you both want things the other person isn't willing/able to give. If you stay together you will drag each other down into a pit of resentment and anger.

Time to move on.

The first time DH was ill when we were living together, he told me off for saying 'do you want' something instead of 'would you like' or 'could you manage'. Basically he was telling me off for not being his mother.

Obviously he got short shrift. I love DH and in other ways he's great, but I must say if I had thought I would end up with two kids under two, never ever being allowed a sick day off and STILL having to deal with a selfish invalid whenever he got a cold - Let's just say I should've taken that first illness as a warning.

If you've been together a year I would sack it off and be freeeeee.

How long have you lived together OP? If you've only been together a year in total it doesn't sound worth trying to save the relationship, sorry, you should still be loved up and in the honeymoon stage.