DP is (unintentionally?) emotionally abusive - advice needed

[LightsInTheAttic]

Morning all. Apologies for length.

DP likes arguing, traditionally I don't (previous abusive relationships, long-term neurological issues). More than happy to have discussions, but once voices get raised, I tend to disengage until there's calm and we can talk it out without DP getting riled up. This is apparently "me getting my way" and I'm made to feel guilty about it.

In recent times, I've been really trying to control this response so DP couldn't make me feel guilty - if I was able to de-escalate the situation or at least try to reason, I figure I can't be seen as "getting my own way".

All this changed the other week when DP had an accident at the gym, and ended up with a broken foot. Cue me making trips to A&E, taking the next day off work to go to the fracture clinic, running round making food, filling the dishwasher, cleaning up after DP's dog, coming home for lunch when I could - anything that DP couldn't easily do that I was asked, I did.

After DP got a bit more mobile, I was able to relax a little. I gladly filled the kettle in the morning and made DP a coffee, but told DP I resented being asked/told to make proper coffee half a dozen times a day when DP was perfectly capable of going 5 metres to the kitchen with the travel mug that fit perfectly on the bar of the crutches, and perfectly happy with the instant. This was not an isolated incident, and just one example.

Cut to yesterday - got home from a hectic day at work and still had work to do later that evening. DP had done some washing, but the dishwasher had been filled poorly, so most of the stuff was still dirty. Asked what DP wanted for dinner, and got a series of noncommittal replies culminating in "OK, I'm going to play this game and take a look", but what I heard was "Are we going to play this game where you make me look?".

Rather than face down an argument, I went in to the kitchen and just found something in the fridge to make. As I'm looking through, I get DP at the door asking why I'm upset. I start trying to say something, at which point DP lets loose with the raised voice. For some reason, I go louder on the raised voice. DP looks shocked, tells me I misheard, then storms off shouting about how dare I speak like that, then comes back less than 5 minutes later to shout at me about shouting. The irony was lost on DP.

It kept up, and I tried standing my ground, but I couldn't. I asked DP to leave me alone. DP kept telling me I'd been the one to raise my voice, I'd misheard, I'd not done XYZ that had never been asked of me, I should be doing more than I am and instinctively know what DP wants.

The time rolls around for me to pop out for work stuff, and I do, leading to a curt phone call from DP about where I've gone to. I get back to more shouting for "leaving DP", and it keeps going. In a desperate bid for something to distract me, I grab a black bag and start filling it. No good. I close the kitchen door over to catch a second's break. No good. I broke, and old habits kicked in - I headed out the back to my car and closed the door. DP followed, tapping crutches on the car window, grabbing the handle, etc.

This morning, I'm really looking forward to work, but not to coming home. I'm trying to find somewhere to go for the afternoon/evening. In the meantime, I need to figure out how to tell DP that what happened was wrong - I'm being gaslighted about the argument and shouted at until I can't fight back, and I have no idea if DP even realises it.

Thanks in advance for any help.

If you've been in previous abusive relationships you are obviously particularly vulnerable to abuse in some way (possibly as a result of experiences in childhood), and abusers sense and home in on that when choosing a partner.

This relationship might look/feel different to your other relationships in some ways, but the abuse is still there.

You need to leave be single for a while and do the Freedom Programme to work out how to detect abusers/how to set appropriate personal boundaries so that you don't end up in another one of these relationships.

"I can't bear the thought if someone else having to go through this in my place" - what?
So you're going to stay with this cunt and martyr yourself as an act of glorious heroism to save the rest of womankind? What a bizarre reason to stay in a relationship.

But putting on a brave face when confronted with DP isn't enough. Trying to concentrate on the positives and determinedly being happy is quite exhausting when you have someone undermining you.

Being with the person closest to you shouldn't involve a daily battle of wits. Would you tolerate this from a house- or flat-mate? I thought you handled the whole raising decibel situation very neatly but it sounds a headache. He has the energy to follow you on crutches to continue the argument but not to make himself coffee.

He seems to relish discord so he won't suffer if you call it a day. He will find somebody else - she will either put up with the same shit you do or have the energy to whip him into shape.

My inclination would be to get going and don't look back.

This sounds intolerable, totally aggravating and negative at its best. I totally agree with what others have said. The relationship really would benefit you most by ending it. Is the housing situation simple or not?

My alarm bells are ringing gently but persistently ...

I've had a broken foot and mobility wise it was crap, could only carry a packet of crisps /Capri sun in my teeth because of the crutches, was stuck in and the housework suffered.
But I didn't expect my dh to do anything for me and I certainly wouldn't be moaning about anything he did do.

A year in and he's behaving like this, he's raising his voice even though you don't like it. He's an arse, get out. This is meant to be the good bit

Ok, he's being a twat.

Have you tried writing him a note to tell him that, to say that you need to talk calmly and he needs to listen or else its the end of the line for you two? He needs to get outside help in conflict-management quick, if he seriously wants you two to work. It's not working if one person is feeling gaslighted and shouted down into silence.

Becuase it'll only get worse, not better. For him to behave like this after only 12 months is a bad sign.

You are worth a lot more than this.

Btw what woudl happen if you regularly shouted back at him? is that his idea of a good relationship? is it yours?

Lights, out of interest, are you a female and your dp male? Not that it matters, but intrigued as to why you have remained ambiguous on your posts about this.

Leave. He sounds vile.

Good point Bingbongetc... Regardless of gender, 'DP' still sounds like a nasty old bully.

Get out.

Run for the hills.
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>

Seriously, why are you putting up with this shite?
Kick him to the curb and find someone who is much more likely to make you happy.

Contact Womens Aid and do the Freedom Programme.
He's an abusive bully and you need to see this and get yourself an exit plan!

Generally speaking, everything is great with us, but when something goes wrong, I try to talk it out, DP gets to arguing. I've tried having this conversation before to explain not every disagreement/debate is an argument, but it doesn't take for some reason.

This is where many people go wrong. They judge their relationships by the good times when in reality a relationship is best judged on how it weathers the storms.

Anyone can say their relationship is good when everything is going perfectly. It blinds them to how bad things really are.

Who cares if DP realises what DP is doing?

Get the fuck out of there whilst you still have your wits about you.

If he is otherwise able bodies a fractured bone in the foot is a piece of piss. No way should you be waiting on him for anything.

I also think he is more than simply "argumentative". Following you around when you have withdrawn, haranguing you verbally, tapping on windows, not letting you get away and de escalate etc is abusive

The bottom line here is that this is not a nice person. It doesn't matter if they are golden for other periods of time. They are regularly nasty to you. So much so that a pattern of this has emerged, that you have developed containment strategies for, within the first 12 months of the relationship. There is no point in staying with someone who does this to you regularly. It will not improve, it will only get worse.

The genders of the partners are pretty irrelevant here, I'd say. The DP is clearly not intimidated when OP raises their voice, otherwise they wouldn't yell back and hobble round on crutches to continue the argument. It's all verbal here rather than physical intimidation. It's survival of the angriest. Not the basis for a very healthy relationship, eh?

As for trying to be happy, that's a good thing in general, but trying to make yourself happy in unhappy circumstances is called cognitive dissonance (or in layman's terms, lying to yourself) and it's quite bad for your mental health. The healthy approach is to improve your circumstances; by, for example, seeking out a less confrontational partner.

Bingbongetc, have yourself a cookie. I'm the male, DP is female. Ambiguous language was deliberate.

Update for you all - I got home 20 minutes late, DP started talking about how my phone was off at work, who was she supposed to contact if she fell, she got diverted to the other office when she rang me at work after I called her (to say I'd be a little late - actually late with work, not avoiding her).

And I told her there and then. It was cathartic. I was relieved. There were tears (on both sides, no less). She hated what I said, but seemed to understand why I was saying it. It was refreshing, and not something I've seen in the past.

I'm not immediately declaring victory (because I'm not that impulsive/daft) but this is a positive first step. It might all go wrong next week, but I feel a bit more confident, and I think this post was probably an important step, as I was able to get my words down in a way that let me compose myself.

No doubt I'll see you all on MN again, under my pre-NC username. If nothing else, since I joined here I've laughed till I cried at least once a week (and nearly knocked my penis beaker over once or twice).

Thank you all. I'll be around, and I'll be better for it.

Good luck to you OP. I hope you can work this out but I hope you can gather the courage to walk away rather than settle for a relationship where you feel under pressure in this way.

Whatever sex your partner is, whatever sex you are...your relationship sounds toxic

Never mind though, you've had a little chat, you've had a little rant and all is well, yes ?

On a re-read, you were very very very careful to keep the genders ambiguous, weren't you

Why would you do that ? What are you trying to prove ? That must have taken a lot of concentration. How tiresome of you. Are you one of those dickheads that come on here trying every which way to prove that the wimminz are just as bad as the menz to the mummies of MN ?

Feck off with your "I will be better for it". Patronizing bollocks.

Sorry to hear about this. The situation doesn't sound promising, but I don't feel like telling someone I don't know to leave her partner, so perhaps I'll just suggest that with him stressed and frustrated about being injured and you stressed and frustrated about running around after him, this might not be the best time to make a big decision about your relationship. You could try to discuss things calmly with him once this has all settled down and see if you can impress on him your point of view ... unless this situation has already made up your mind! Good luck.

Worst case of RTFT I've seen for some time...!

Well done, you really had us all fooled. Claim the victory you very clever man.

I don't really get why the genders are relevant. Her behaviour is unacceptable, and I don't think some crocodile tears to try and keep you from just walking is going to change anything.

Given your emotional fragility, this isn't someone with sufficient empathy for you to have a relationship with. You say you have had previous abusive relationships - have you fallen into the trap of thinking 'a bit better' is good enough? Have you done the Freedom Programme?