who does what re NRP access?

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

I have another thread on here at the moment, but I'm wondering what most people do when split up from partner and that partner get access ie at weekends.

If you are the resident parent, do you drop DC with the NRP and vice versa? or does the NRP take responsibility for that if they wish to have contact with DC?

my exp has bullied me into believing I must take responsibility for the travel costs etc but would like a general consensus on here, so if you're in a similar situation please come talk to me!

My BF is a NRP - he does all pick ups and drop offs, has them most weekends and between 3 and 5 after school / evenings a week.

My ex does the pickups and dropoffs, unless I happen to be out with access to a car then I'll offer to do it. I imagine when I start driving in a few months I'll be chipping in to do my share from the past 5 years

We only live a couple of miles apart though.

My ex lives two hours away. We do drop offs and pick ups at a location mid way between our homes meaning we both drive an hour to get there.

My DH does all the PU & DO, I think it should be 50:50.

ok so for those who are the nrp and do all the do and pu, why is that? is the nrp happy with that? or do they grudge it?

I don't know whether I'm being completely unreasonable to say no to drop offs and pick ups, but as my exp is now refusing to pay cm I definitely won't be for the time being

We meet at a neutral location half-way - ds dad, that is. With DD's dad, I do most of the pick-ups and drop offs, because it is logistically easier. Sometimes he also picks up dd at the neutral location but then I need to stagger the timings a bit.

I drop DS at his Dads house and then his Dad brings him back.

It is a complete mix here, sometimes dp will do pick up and drop off, sometimes the ex will, sometimes one each per w/e.
Ex is often in the area for work.

It should be 50/50 if everyone is being fair.

My ex lives miles away so when my son was smaller he used to come to Euston and Id take son there, then he'd get back on train and take him to his. The other way round for journey back.

The statement saying he's "bullying you" says it all.

and does anyone downright refuse to drop off or collect? and for what reasons?

I'm really gutted its come to this but this weekend I am downright refusing to meet half way, drop off or collect or even entertain a conversation with exp as he is playing a nasty game re child maintenance, it needs to be nipped in the bud

Don't use your child as a pawn though OP. Before "reasonable" set in with ex (he got a new woman) I used to do all the running, not for ex but for my son. I used to drive to wales as I knew the man would loose contact with his child and I wanted that to my sons choice to make at an age he could make it. Son is 16 now and I feel I did the right thing.

Oh and I got crumbs as maintenance too.

I don't think the OP is the one using the children as pawns. She's not the one playing silly buggers with child maintenance and won't pay his own travel costs (or can't be arsed to travel to see his own children). He's the one financially abusing them.

As he is not paying maintenance then definitely don't pay travel costs. Leave the ball firmly in his court as to whether he makes the effort to see his children. After all why wouldn't he?

I made the decision to not get embroiled in whether my ex would play ball or not, there was a child in the middle of this. I did what I had to do for my son, he was the important one here, I chose to have a baby with him whether he was going to be an arse or not. When a child is involved (unless there is abuse) then someone has to take the higher ground, no matter how the other person is.

When cases like this go to court judges often decide it should be 50:50

Yes it should be in an ideal world but it very rarely is and who's in the middle? I don't understand anyone that has a child unless there is abuse who wouldn't do what was best for that child regardless of the other adult being unreasonable, two wrongs never make a right and I would implore the OP to do what she has to do until her child/children can make that decision for themselves. Its called taking responsibility for who you made a baby with regardless.

I agree with tinks, I used to drive an hour so that DD's dad could see her and wait up to an hour with her in a cafe when he was late. I didn't know he had a whole other family. He didn't pay maintenance for five years and now pays the total of £30 a month. In short, I went for nine years doing the pick ups and drop offs because it ensured that dd saw her dad. When she was a baby, he would have walked away if I had not taken DD across to where he stayed, for what was often an hour or two of contact. Now she goes for EOW weekends and knows her two half-sisters. Believe me, there have been times when I wondered why I did it, I am certainly not taking the moral high ground here.

My xH2 could never understand why I did this, as he said it was xh1's responsibility. I think that is true, but equally, none of it was DD's fault.

With xH2, there are reasons for my own emotional safety and that of DD, I don't want him in the house.

I don't think I ever felt bullied with xH1, though, he was just irresponsible, though over time, I have come to think it was a bit more calculated. With xH2, I have felt bullied over issues, and I have actually taken a clear line of, this is what I am prepared to do. In your case, I would not drop dc at his door, but offer a neutral location convenient to him. This means that he needs to make some effort, but it also keeps you right as regards maintaining his contact with dc (and yes, I know this should be his responsibility, but no-one is going to benefit from a stand off).

"Its called taking responsibility for who you made a baby with regardless." Why on earth should you take responsibility for another fully functioning adult? You aren't responsible for how they choose to behave or their actions. They are.

Funny as well how it is mainly women this is leveled at. The man's behavior can be atrocious, uncaring and manipulative and women are supposed to enable it? What kind of messages is that sending to your children?

XH does all the pick ups and drop offs and has done since the split.

There are NRP all over this country who are genuinely prevented from seeing their DC and who would happily crawl over broken glass to see them.

If he can't be arsed to come and pick them up then fuck him.

I think its quite common that the expectation is that the person who moves away is the person that bears the cost......in an idea world there would be flexibility and probably a balance of both parents paying. Not always possible though

We split it 50/50. I drop him off he brings him back. It's a 4 hour return journey driving or train! I'm embarrassed to say that my ex doesn't pay maintenance; however, it would be fuck all anyway, he's a twat/cunt, plus various other reasons why I'm not now going to chase him for a measly £20 per month (he's self-employed and would hide his true income). I made the decision to facilitate contact in spite of this because he has different qualities to me and their relationship is valuable. It has paid of so far as they have a v good relationship and my DS has step siblings and step mum too he gets on well with, hopefully for life!
I kind of agree with separating the money and contact issue. I've seen so many kids become pawns in this kind of battle, even though I'm sure their parents would deny that's the case. Ex (or his wife) spends money on DS when he''s there, takes him on holiday etc, and I get every weekend and some weeks in the hols off... which is important as it's pretty relentless being a single parent at times.

My ex does all the pick ups and stop offs for my kids. DH does all the pick ups and drop offs for his kids.

The resident parents - myself and DH's exw - do the running around during the week etc, it does seem fair.

As much as possible we try to do them via school - one parent drops dd off, the other collects her. We used to do the same with nursery before she started school. The big advantage is we don't have to see each other. And nobody is making a special journey - I'd have to bring dd to school in any case. Obviously this only works if the NRP has overnights.

And yes, seperate money and contact. They're not pay per view. The only question to be asked from contact is "Will the child benefit?" and not "Is this fair to the RP?"

My dp is nrp to his dd and does all drop offs and pick ups one afternoon/evening a week and weekends.
It's a 20-30 min drive and he and dsd have a good chat in the car on the journey.
I have sometimes picked up or dropped off depending on circumstances as has dsd grandparents.
Dsd mum has dropped her off a few times as they have been out or near our house. We find the arrangements work well for us and we have never questioned picking up or dropping off dsd as her mum does all the school runs and clubs for during the week so I think it's fair that dp drives to collect his dd.