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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

who does what re NRP access?

39 replies

attheendofmyteatheragain · 15/07/2014 20:50

I have another thread on here at the moment, but I'm wondering what most people do when split up from partner and that partner get access ie at weekends.

If you are the resident parent, do you drop DC with the NRP and vice versa? or does the NRP take responsibility for that if they wish to have contact with DC?

my exp has bullied me into believing I must take responsibility for the travel costs etc but would like a general consensus on here, so if you're in a similar situation please come talk to me!

OP posts:

EarthWindFire · 16/07/2014 15:10

I'm really gutted its come to this but this weekend I am downright refusing to meet half way, drop off or collect or even entertain a conversation with exp as he is playing a nasty game re child maintenance, it needs to be nipped in the bud

These are two different issues in the eyes of the law and you are both using your DS to point score.

He is wrong to withhold CM, so go to to the CSA.

You are wrong to block contact and courts if it went that far do not look kindly on it.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2014 15:20

I don't think OP said she is 'blocking' contact.
She has no money so she can't do the pick up or drop off.
The ex is bullying her no end and she just can't face him right now.
Nothing wrong with that IMHO.

For me, my ex moved to another country. To facilitate contact I had to take her to the airport and collect.
As her GPs live so far away we meet half way when she is visitng them.
When he's been over here then I've often had to drive to drop her off.
But he will come to collect her as well.

hamptoncourt · 16/07/2014 15:21

But she isn't blocking contact earth She is saying he has to collect and drop back. The courts would have nothing to say about that.
I read it as she wasn't willing to entertain a convo about any compromise on this but I could be wrong.

WestEast · 16/07/2014 15:27

My DP is NRP and we have his DD most weekends. He generally picks her up and drops her off, but if the ExW is in the area she will drop off and/or collect. It's amicable and it works, but on the understanding that the weekend is my DP's access time so he is responsible for it overall.

Original poster

attheendofmyteatheragain · 16/07/2014 20:05

thank you for the replies, very interesting. I wouldn't block contact because exp is withholding cm. but I need that money to pay bills, I have been left short this month because he wants certain things to go his way, he wants DS on Christmas day and for me to agree to travel 50/50. we live about 30 minute drive away from each other. I wouldn't agree to that right there and then as we were in a car park and I was in a rush to be somewhere when he turned up 20 minutes late, and told him we could discuss it further the following Sunday and have a proper chat. exp does not take no for an answer, so that was enough for him to withhold cm, and he is refusing to pay anything until we 'chat' ie I agree to what he wants. this is not the first time he has done this. it's financial abuse. (I have another thread but unable to link)

he wants me to meet him halfway to help him out, yet doesn't want to pay cm. he can treat me atrociously but I must meet his demands? no.

I have no money for extra petrol to meet him halfway therefore I simply will not meet him. I am so sick of his behaviour that I now feel I must wash my hands of him. he doesn't want to pay cm? fine, but don't expect me to meet you halfway. he wants contact with DS? fine, he can collect and drop off himself.

he has treated me awfully for far too long, I've had enough of him. of course this will not go down well with him, he will no doubt get lawyers involved to get what he wants and will take nothing standing down. but I'll just need to deal with it when the time comes

I run around for DS all week, I do all the hard work and have done from the day he was born. and on my days off I will no longer help out, when it's exps days to have DS, it's his responsiblity to do the running around, surely to god that is only fair

OP posts:

Passthewineandchocolate · 16/07/2014 20:20

My DH is the NRP and does all the pick ups and drop offs. That's 10 in a two week period. Most if them he can do on the way to or from work but not the weekend ones. He has asked his ex to do one drop off that is difficult for us to do but she refuses.

In fact, you could be my DH's ex. Except DH hasn't stopped paying CM.

I think it should be 50:50.

Passthewineandchocolate · 16/07/2014 20:20

In fact, you could be my DH's ex. Except DH hasn't stopped paying CM.

I think it should be 50:50.

Original poster

attheendofmyteatheragain · 16/07/2014 20:42

but its not 50/50 on any other level, he doesn't contribute fairly to what my outgoings are to keep a roof over DS head, clothes on his back, food in his belly, childcare, taking him to activities, haircuts, toys, keeping him healthy and happy. I do 90% of that. I was the one having my pension fund cut short during maternity leave then whilst working part time. I was the one working two jobs to keep us afloat and barely scraping by, having no money left over for holidays. and I was the one having to constantly take time off work because DS was ill for over 6months. exp had none of that stress or strain, he has been the one who swans about in his brand new bmw, with his 21 year old girlfriend (he is now 37) having on average 5 holidays abroad per year, never taking DS with him. only having DS a fraction of the time, which is quality time as he's not at work. none of that is 'fair'. but I got on with it and did my best. so forgive me for feeling a little hard done by when he now refuses to pay cm and demands I meet him half way.

OP posts:

UterusUterusGhali · 16/07/2014 22:00

Ex does all the leg work ( or gets his parents to) because;
a) he chose to live hours away
b) I can barely afford to put fuel in the car as it is.

Clutterbugsmum · 16/07/2014 22:56

Go to the CSA (or whatever they are called now) then he won't be able to use CM as a stick to beat you with.

skyeskyeskye · 17/07/2014 00:00

XH chose to walk out and leave his DD and move 20 miles away. He has always done all the pickups and drop offs. In mediation he complained that I should do some and I refused on the grounds that it was his choice to live there and it was his responsibility to collect her.

There's a chance now that he will be moving nearly 3 hours away. It will still be his responsibility as he is choosing to go so far away. I don't have the time or money to pay for his life choices.

If he wants to see his DD he will do whatever it takes to see her.

skyeskyeskye · 17/07/2014 00:03

Forgot to say, he has her EOW 10am Sat to 6pm Sun. His choice to not have her any other time.

impatienceisavirtue · 17/07/2014 08:16

Op you are not blocking contact. Your reasons are perfectly understandable.

Romeyroo · 17/07/2014 08:30

Yes, I agree with clutterbugsmum, go to the Child Maintenance people.

For the vast majority of single parents, life is not fair. I could fill a book with how much it is not fair. There are two responses:

Accept he is a twat and life is not fair and facilitate contact for dc sake, i.e go to 50:50 neutral location. (but say no to Christmas day)

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck. Maybe they only get away with it because we try to always put dc first, regardless of how unfair things are. He knows where dc are, he knows when contact is, he has a car.... There should be no issue.

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