How would/did you handle this betrayal?

[avrilinca]

Has anyone had a D day where their H has sat them down and confessed to an affair (in the past) but neither apologised nor said they want to leave? He says he can't apologise or ask for forgiveness because he doesn't regret it. He also says he doesn't want to be with the OW now but he does want to be in touch with her. I can't find anything anywhere on the internet that has a similar precedent - seems to be either apologetic (cathartic or pre-emptive) confessions or unplanned discoveries. It seems just unbelievably cruel and crazy-making to me.

Forget about married man, forget about his wife, delete their details, and start again. Stay single for a while, enjoy your own company, see some friends and maybe embark on another relaitionship if you feel like it.

He will probably have other women or men in the loop too that he can call on. Maybe you enjoy the attension and the fallout, but if you're sensible you'll say "Im out" and move on from this sorry mess.

AF, in fairness to the OP, I managed to work out what the name was from the oh-so-cunning version that Lying posted - and I hadn't seen her threads before.

That is fair enough, Thumb, am just asking the question. I think it's a fair one.

If I weren't that poster, I'd be coming back to say so, not that I hadn't had anal sex. Whether it's the same poster or not, AF's advice to read the thread is good advice.

MNHQ would certainly know if it's the same poster.

Oh yes, I agree AF - but not diagnostic, was what I was trying to say :)

Lying - she's already said she wasn't that poster.

I am always bemused when I read of dilemmas that are the result of stuff said by fundamentally dishonest people.

All you have to do is study their actions. Stop listening to spoken bullshit and form your judgements from what they do.

Your scenario- he has stayed with his wife. That is all you need to know.

Move on with your life and stop revelling in unnecessary drama.

Yes, she did, Thumbwitch. But, you would, wouldn't you?

There is little similarity in the story but very much in the method and delivery and that is 'diagnostic' as much as anything can be. I've asked MNHQ to look at the thread(s).

Any lurkers/OP please don't think we are attempting to bully OP into anything or catch her out in any way. HQ will agree that people are well within their rights to namechange and post anything they want within talk guidelines.

What isn't fair is to do so repeatedly and use the good will of respondents who share very personal feelings to explore and keep alive their own unhealthy obsession.

Read the other thread, OP, and recognise your own behaviour there. This meant kindly, I promise you

You can cut contact with this man. You can do this as a sentient and autonomous human being. To pretend naivety (you didn't think he could be keeping you on the back burner while he lies to his wife ? really ?) and the way you asked cheated-upon wives to share their own painful stories, knowing what you know, is actually a pretty low thing to do. Yes, you quickly came clean, and yes you later said sorry for that. The fact is though, you thought it was ok to hoodwink respondents in that way to get what you wanted out of this thread.

control/manipulation issues?
much?

I see that. I'm sorry. Lying it totally struck a chord when you said I can't bear not to know - yes, clearly control issues. OP - clearly manipulation issues. I accept this and will work on it. I'm glad you reported the thread, you will now find out I am indeed a different person (I was shocked by the thread, and yes I worked it out without a PM, although it rang a bell so I had obviously seen the OP before but the horrible symbolism/non-consensual heartlessness of it set it apart from my own experience; like I said, I will read with interest for parallels. Again, I'm really sorry for not being clear about my status in the OP, and particularly the thread title which directly appeals to a BS.

Good for you, avrilinca. I won't post back on this thread but I wish you well.

Thank you. I've learned a hell of a lot over the last 24 hours and have a lot to help keep me strong. My HALT technique is going to be reading this thread (hungry/angry/lonely/tired - traditional weak moments). I am very grateful to all those of you who managed to find some compassion for a person who knows what she ought to do but not how to do it.

Apologies, Im very new on this thread, but have read all the posts.

So you have done a lot of self-flagellation and you have declared all the things that you do wrong, but Im still not clear what exactly you want to do next. Where do you want to go from here?

Wouldn't it be best to set yourself some near term goals or just something, Anything other than rehashing all the crap again and again.

I bet you a pound to a pinch of snuff the OM isnt doing any of this, I bet he isnt wasting a minute of his life analysing and worrying. It'll be kind of " right now! onwards and upwards, what to do with today? No point dwelling on the past, now is there?"

I carry on with NC, I get on with my life; I work on my control complex and my codependence(/y?). Every time I am tempted to contact him I will read this entire thread and remember that he's a long way from being able to treat a woman with respect or love and I don't need that in my life. I got an awesome new job today (unpaid/volunteer) and I have found a pathway to happiness course that I'm going to take online about understanding that I can break habits and be the master of my emotions. I am going to work on my friendships and make sure they're not secretly predicated on generosity that I won't allow to be reciprocated. And I have you fine people to thank for it (apart from the job; that was my hard work).

Good goals. Just this bit you might want to think through:

Every time I am tempted to contact him I will read this entire thread and remember that he's a long way from being able to treat a woman with respect or love and I don't need that in my life.

don't read this thread. create a new accountability thread for yourself, where you focus on YOURSELF. and your children, your job, etc. don't circle back to this man and think about HIM and HIS choices when you want to contact him. remember what YOU want, and what you're worth.

you need to break the habit of rumination on him, his motivations, his behaviour, whatever.

start ruminating on yourself.

Thank you, good point. I was actually thinking I should stay away from the relationships board entirely, focus on the rest of life. What is an accountability thread, please? I feel so strong today but I know I can't assume it's going to last. You're right, though - I've spent so much of my time and mental energy on this. Time to stop trying to drink out of a sieve.

Was it you who said I would never understand because he'll never give me enough information? (Paraphrase) - that was a huge liberation. I've known that and felt it and fought it but now I can just let it go, because you're right. Why would he?

Rhetorical question. Don't want an answer. No more headspace.

Exactly thestamp it really does need to be time for you to cut ties with the past altogether avril. You can still learn from the past, but don't let it become a broken record in your mind, dominating your thoughts.

You sound like an intelligent woman. You have had some "tough love" thrown at you here, if I were you just pull out the key messages and let the rest of the other detritus float away (the negatives, the OM who isnt worth wasting another second of thought). His DW has to do some soul searching of her own, I'm sure, just remember what he has done to her and think "why would I want any more contact with the likes of him???"

Be brave.

Have read this whole thread and it's been really REALLY helpful, so even though it wasn't aimed at me, thanks to respondents for replies as it's helped me make sense of a few things.

OP I speak from experience when I say that you can break this cycle and you can get him out of your life... and you will become more emotionally available to others. The only reason you're available to him is because he doesn't want to take advantage of it 100%.

Hope you find strength, curious owl. I have found it useful to raise with OW the prospect that they themselves are commitment-phobic controllers rather than desperate victims. It goes against a lot of received gender based wisdom but often it turns out to be true and alters their mend set to be more pro-active and honest with themselves about why they are doing what they are doing, keeping an arms length situation with suits them.

So pleased it helped you too, Owl.

Yes, Bloodonthetracks- exactly that. I used to be an OW (didn't 'look' for it and actually didn't know he wasn't single at first... but didn't end it when I found out) but I did find the strength to end it after a lot of abuse from him. I went NC. Way to go when you manage to get into an EA/DV relationship as the OW!! He contacts me every now and then and I ignore, ignore, ignore. I unwittingly took all the advice above and it worked, but it's only reading this thread that I have worked out WHY it worked. Really interesting.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2054667-Last-straw-Married-Man-TMI

thread referred to upthread, for other readers

An accountability thread is like the Brave Babes Battle Bus thread here, for eg. It's a place where you start out by saying you've gone no contact with a man and you're asking for support and others who also need to go no contact who might want your support/support of a community of others going through something similar. then you basically egg each other on, report in, motivate one another to maintain nc, etc.

If you're interested in good support specific to going no contact, google "baggage reclaim". I think its baggagereclaim.co.uk. Excellent site.

Glad my comment/s helped. All the best.