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Original poster

Really minor, but DH forgot our anniversary (again). Not upset..

39 replies

BasicFish · 14/07/2014 22:34

I got fed up with reminding him every year, so this time I didn't. And nothing. Well, I did show him the date and said, "hey, look at that!" but he just looked blank and didn't get it.

Not that I wanted a present or even a card, but some kind of acknowledgement would have been cool. We've been married 5 years, so it's not exactly a major anniversary and I'm not really upset, but it's been a tough year for our relationship (as usual) so I just feel a bit empty.

I know it's really minor in the scheme of things.
Is anyone else's DH a serial forgetter, and do you care?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 14/07/2014 22:54

He used to, until he saw how much it upset me.

Now he makes the effort and it's in Outlook. If he can remember work meetings then he can bloody well do the same for our anniversary given it's important to me.

I know how important his late mum's birthday and anniversary of death is so I don't forget those.

It's simply a case of making an effort to value what your OH values.

LuluJakey1 · 14/07/2014 22:56

DH is not allowed to forget. It would upset me if he did so I make sure he doesn't. MIL and SIL are very helpful and he is very pleased with himself when I look so delighted that he has remembered.

He is capable of forgetting- unintentionally as he is not aware of what day it is most days, never mind what date it is.

Original poster
BasicFish · 14/07/2014 23:00

I can't even be bothered to tell him. Is that strange?

OP posts:
Middleagedmotheroftwo · 14/07/2014 23:00

We both almost always forget our anniversary. Its only a date. You can celebrate your marriage any time you want to.

bberry · 14/07/2014 23:05

Your very low expectations seem to be being met.... You don't expect a card or present, good god girl, why not?????

You played a game to see what would happen.... And now you know....

Why would you not be discussing in the weeks leading upto it what presents you would like, where shall we go for dinner, shall we go away fir the weekend etc....

Lweji · 14/07/2014 23:09

You could tell him that it will be a shame that the date you got married is the same date you will break off. And see the blood drain from his face.
I wonder if the shock would help him remember next year.

Does he remember birthdays? When the football is on (or whatever)?

GnomeDePlume · 14/07/2014 23:10

Why the need for it to be a test?

In the lead up to our anniversary DH and I will have various conversations about what we will do to celebrate.

It is a joint thing.

LittleMissRayofHope · 14/07/2014 23:32

Agree that it's a joint thing.

Out of curiosity... What did you do for him?? You say that he forgot and you intentionally didn't remind him. So did you forget aswell? Or did you do something for him? If you did, how bad does he feel now? That's a risky game and if played on purpose is a dirty game!

My DH is useless with dates. He once got stopped at immigration (algerian but has full visas) and they asked him our wedding date.... He knew the month but hadn't the slightest clue which day. He spent 1.5 hours in there while they confirmed everything and phoned me and I had to attend and all sorts of palava! Even after that he is rubbish with it!! Some men just are like that.

Original poster
BasicFish · 14/07/2014 23:48

Poor menz. How they struggle Grin

Gnome and bberry See to me, that would feel like more of a game because it would of course be me bringing it up first (aaaagain), then I'd feel like I'd had to talk him into remembering/enjoying and where's the happiness in that? May be he just doesn't care and has resented having had to celebrate it in the past?

Lweji Grin Pretty crap with birthdays, although he does generally remember his own!

LittleMiss Oh, ok. I've mentioned it first, bought him lovely presents and arranged things every year except this one, but I should have gone ahead and done something for him this year when he can't remember? Sad You're right, it should be joint*, but it never bloody is, that's why it feels a bit sad

  • "joint" does not mean me unilaterally remembering, reminding and planning Wink
OP posts:
Original poster
BasicFish · 14/07/2014 23:54

No wait, I shouldn't have gone ahead and done something when he didn't remember as that would be a "dirty game" WT actual fuck? Grin

OP posts:
Joysmum · 15/07/2014 00:32

Is it strange it doesn't bother you?

Not really if it actually doesn't bother you. If it does bother you and you're not bothered then you're trying not to care as a self defense mechanism.

Did that makes any sense whatsoever! Time for bed I think Blush

maras2 · 15/07/2014 01:03

Neither DH nor I have ever forgotten our anniversary in 39 years.We've never made a big fuss but allways started the day with a kiss and a 'Guess what we were doing *** years ago? Not very exciting but just nice.

EverythingCounts · 15/07/2014 01:06

Hmm. Time to be blunt about how bad this makes you feel. My DH is not a card person by nature but he takes time to choose one I will like because he knows it matters to me and makes me happy.

LIttleMissTickles · 15/07/2014 01:19

BasicFish, of course it's upsetting. You probably feel like he doesn't value you enough to remember. But you have mentioned a few times that things have been tough in your relationship. I am guessing that the anniversary issue would not be a big deal if you felt loved and valued and cherished on other days, in other ways?

LittleMissRayofHope · 15/07/2014 04:32

Gosh, what a stroppy response!

Clearly you played a game with your emotions and then moaned about your outcome and didn't like it!
Clearly I said 'ifplayed on purpose...

My DH doesn't remember dates, I ask him in advance 'what shall we do this year'. I consider this pre planning not game playing.

Game playing is deciding not to mention it at all, waiting knowing full well that he will forget then acting hurt by his own completely natural failure, which you could have taken measured to avoid and them he is made to feel bad about it and slagged off on a message board..... thats a dirty game. And a stupid one.

If you've reminded him in the last and he still can't be bothered to honour it then maybe he doesn't care.... Try talking to him about it

angeltulips · 15/07/2014 04:51

My DH is also crap with dates

This is why I had our wedding date engraved into the inside of our wedding bands at the time we got married and then insisted that he wear the ring

Lweji · 15/07/2014 06:43

So, he's crap with birthdays, but remembers his own.

That suggests that he doesn't particularly care about other people but himself.

The 5th anniversary is not big, but it's close enough to the wedding to remember it.

I have to say that I started forgetting about my anniversary when we were pushing the 10th and marriage was essentially on the rocks.

What do you mean when you say it was a tough year?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2014 07:12

If it's been a tough year for your relationship and this is 'usual', why persist with it? Five years in, most people are still quite enthusiastic. There seems to be no love, no care, no thought.... you've basically given up .... what's the point?

stilllovingmysleep · 15/07/2014 07:20

'Remembering his own birthday and not those of others' does not mean 'he doesn't particularly care about other people'! It just means he's crap with dates. Lots of people are. It's sad & difficult when for you birthdays / anniversaries are important, but it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you. Remembering one's own birthday is kind of a given, as we hear about it loads as we're growing up so it has nothing, I think, to do with caring about it.

And as usual here on MN, people tend to be excessive in terms of 'getting rid of the bad man'. How did we get from 'forgetting the anniversary' to 'there seems to be no love, no care, no thought'. Come on!

Badvoc2 · 15/07/2014 07:22

Agree with cog.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2014 07:26

"How did we get from 'forgetting the anniversary' to 'there seems to be no love, no care, no thought'. Come on!"

Because forgetting the anniversary is the symptom, not the cause. The OP says that they have had a tough year with their relationship 'as usual'.... and the clear implication is that this is an unhappy marriage on a routine basis. They are so resigned to it being miserable that they no longer care about anniversaries. They're 'empty'.

That's the real problem, not a card

Original poster
BasicFish · 15/07/2014 07:44

littlemissray well, perhaps stroppy in the sense that I'm exhausted from micromanaging everything and it would be nice to be thought of. As for you calling this a "dirty and stupid game" Grin I just made a thread to poke about in my feelings and see what was going on. If you're going to be insulting please do leave, that was totally uncalled for.

Spoke to him last night, he realised he'd forgotten and felt really shit, apologised. I told him not to worry as I then felt guilty for him feeling shit. He's glad I didn't do/plan anything as he would have felt worse, and he's going to find a way to remember next time.

maras that's really sweet! That would be enough for me.

littlemisstickles nail on the head there! Smile He does love me but would happily never say I love you, say why he loves me, be physically affectionate. That's not a complaint btw, just who he is and that's fine. I'm more demonstrative so I guess we need to find a middle ground that's comfortable for both of us.

Thanks for the thoughts everyone, it all helps!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2014 07:49

"I told him not to worry as I then felt guilty for him feeling shit."

Is this how you normally interact as a couple? He offends or upsets you.... you point it out.... then you apologise for having pointed it out? That's not finding a middle ground, that's capitulating! No wonder he can't be arsed.

Lweji · 15/07/2014 07:50

I'm not great with dates. I have often kept remembeing dates for a week to forget on the day, but I can be just as bad with my own.
I am very careful with DS's because I'll prepare a party.

So, yes, I think it's basically about not caring and not wanting to do anything about it.
In this case, except his own.

Lweji · 15/07/2014 07:52

People do have different was of showing love.
If he doesn't say it, or demonstrate it physically, what do you think it's his way?
And is that good enough for you?