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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devasted, needy and insecure, what's wrong with me?!

29 replies

TWINKLETOE · 14/07/2014 19:37

So, I started seeing someone who was going through a divorce. Not an ideal situation but we really get on and I think I've fallen in love with him. It's been about 5 months but the divorce saga still continues so he feels pressure from that.

I have started over the past couple of months to feel really insecure and needy and constantly need reassurance. I know that's a complete turn off but it's just me, I suffer with anxiety really badly.

Anyway, he had his daughter yesterday so I stayed away but sent him a few texts and he didn't reply which is unusual. I knew his ex was coming over to sort some things out so it made me really paranoid and I ended up sending him a lot of texts to which he didn't reply once all day or night. I hardly slept.

I went and saw him this morning (I know, a bad move and a little bunny boiler ish but I hardly slept). He said what am I doing and I said I wanted to know what was going on with us to which he replied 'you do this everyday and I just can't deal with it, I need calm' I said he was being unfair and he said he didn't want to see me this week (we've practically spent every day together so I'm in bits) and when I asked if he still wanted to be with me he didn't really say much.

I'm completely gutted and don't really have anyone to talk too. I wish I wasn't a needy person because I feel like I've pushed him away and it's all my fault, I've had to take the day off work tomorrow because I'm so worked up and I'm even crying whilst typing this.

We were supposed to be going to a wedding on Saturday but I guess that's a no no now. I just don't know where I stand and I hate it, it makes it worse because we work in the same building, luckily I hardly see him at work but I feel so devastated.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 14/07/2014 19:41

You do know where you stand. He doesn't want to see you this week. Do not contact him until he contacts you. Go out, see friends, do whatever you need to keep sane. But do not contact him or you are just confirming the neediness.

CatKisser · 14/07/2014 19:44

Aw, sounds rubbish. You've recognised you're needy and clingy - so what can you do about it? Well, sorry if this comes out wrong, IMO you're not ready to be in a relationship until you've reached the point of self acceptance where you feel a man would be lucky to have you as a partner and blessed that you let him into your life.
Why do you think it is that you're so insecure? Past dickish treatment?

TheWorldAccordingToJC · 14/07/2014 19:46

You probably need counselling to unravel this behaviour.

And you do know where you stand. Please stop harassing him - and harassment is the word for what you are very very close to.

Just leave him alone now

Pinklaydee1302 · 14/07/2014 19:49

I've been there OP and these sort of relationships are wrong. There's a reason you are needy and that's because HE is not giving you what you need!

I'm seeing someone else now and feel much more at peace cos I know where I stand and always have with him. I like myself and the way I act with him and so I'm happier.

Try your best to stay away, I know it's hard but it will work.

fackinell · 14/07/2014 19:59

To be honest, you've likely freaked him out. Keep telling yourself that if you even have a chance of salvaging this then you need to not contact him at all until he messages you. You coped without him before you met so just distract yourself in any way you can.

I have a friend like this and she blows any potential relationship before it has a chance to start. It's like she needs to race to the next level but texting a guy she has only just met that night three times before morning just scares them off. No amount of telling her this works.

Try and get some counselling for your anxiety. I honestly think If you contact him this week then I doubt you'll see him again in the way you want. Men like to feel they have to work for your affections IME, make him work!! Smile

ForTheBants · 14/07/2014 20:06

I agree - you need to leave him alone.

Look at it from his perspective if you can and for God's sake - leave him alone!

Cantbelievethisishappening · 14/07/2014 20:06

Pink. Er..... Really? So it's his fault the OP is displaying this behaviour?

littleSpud · 14/07/2014 20:09

Actually I'd be wondering why he didn't reply

Esp as his ex was there, IMO if he actually cared about the op he should have just sent a quick text to re assure her

Tbh op i would have been really worried too and found it hard not to text....I have been in a similar situation when I was in a pretty intense relationship with a divorcing man, and it used to do my head in when my (then) dp visited his dc as his ex would always insist on being there. Turned out my instincts were right anyway as ex wanted him back.

Maybe it's all too soon for your dp to start a new relationship? Hope your ok though as you sound so sad x

superstarheartbreaker · 14/07/2014 20:24

Op I would take a big step back. Tbh I have normally got clingy and needy when there has been something wrong in the relationship. Trust your gut instinct.

superstarheartbreaker · 14/07/2014 20:25

I would also say that it is not good timing for either of you ATM.

sunbathe · 14/07/2014 20:29

I agree with a pp.

You only become needy and clingy if you're feeling insecure in the relationship, imo.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/07/2014 20:32

Your behaviour is completely unacceptable but I think you know that. The question is how do you deal with it. I think you would benefit from some good counselling to address your anxiety and low self esteem and to be honest I think you should probably go relationship cold turkey while you do that.

LineRunner · 14/07/2014 20:33

Sorry, OP, that does sound a bit shit for you. He could have at least have sent a quick 'Hi, busy now, will text you tomorrow' kind of thing.

But he didn't; and you reacted the way you did; and now you are both pissed off.

So either you are going to be able to talk this out, or you are incompatible.

Bummer, though. Hope you are ok.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/07/2014 20:34

Sorry but that's rubbish. This behaviour is 100% about the OP and her stuff. She wouldn't magically stop being insecure and anxious with poor boundaries if she was with someone else.

sunbathe · 14/07/2014 20:38

Ehric, perhaps.

Personally, in a secure relationship, I find I'm relaxed and happy.

In a less secure relationship, I'm more on edge and looking for affirmation of us as a couple, iyswim.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/07/2014 20:48

He would have every right to dump her and involve the police if she doesn't leave him alone.
SOrry OP, you need to sort yourself out before you dare anyone, because dating a clingy, whiny stalker is hellish. Kind people might try to reassure the desperate type of partner, but it becomes clear that no reassurance is enough, so anyone with any sense runs a mile.

warysara · 14/07/2014 20:55

Some people are needy and some are not. It is great if you get two needy people, very bad if you get one that doesn't care and the other who needs constant attention / contact.

I text my partner every few hours and vice versa and it is normal for us, but would irritate lots of other people!

Neverknowingly · 14/07/2014 20:59

He probably did not text her because he was busy and then later because he was fed up with her barrage of texts and recent behaviour (this is clearly not new).

I can be a bit needy but I could always control the crazy. It is not about the relationship not being secure enough it is defintely about some insecurity within myself but yes with my DH this was something that I was able to talk about and he was able to deal with. Not everyone can and they are not bad people just because they expect their partner to keep a grip (and my DH does/did to a certain extent - while keen to reassure me and be proactive about initiating contact etc I doubt he would have put up with full on stalkerish behaviour from me).

You have probably ruined this relationship and I think you need to accept that and find a way to control your behaviour and preferably work on the route cause to make you less insecure.

Tryharder · 14/07/2014 21:22

Why are people blaming the OP?

They've been together for 5 months (have I understood that correctly) and seen each other very frequently. WhT gives the DP the right to suddenly blow hot and cold, not reply to texts etc. He might well be busy or stressed but a quick text takes seconds.

I would write him off OP. Decent men don't behave like that.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/07/2014 21:24

Why are people blaming the OP?

Because her behaviour has been outrageous.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 21:26

Gosh, OP, I would dump you from a great height in his position. No excuses for the stalking behaviour. If this were gender-reversed, you would get a right battering. Back off, or you will muck this up totally (if you haven't already).

daisychain01 · 14/07/2014 21:38

Eeek I feel people are being harsh. I can understand why, but all the same I have felt insecure in a relationship and it feels bloody awful. It can take over your every thought Sad

All the same Twinkletoe as the others have said, you do need to back away because your Bf needs space to sort out his life.

Sad that it is making you unhappy, try to busy yourself for a while and see if you can get back in control again...

Elizabeth120914 · 14/07/2014 22:06

I totally understand why you would feel that way..

If I was I your boat I would have done too although I wouldn't have sent all the texts or gone round but I'd be bloody fuming.

Take a step back it's not acceptable behaviour to ignore you anymore than it's for u to barrage him with messages. If he really cared he wouldn't let u get so wound up. Have a think about what u want because it doesn't sound to me like u know how he feels generally to be feeling this vulnerable, is this relationship what u want it sounds very complicated so soon to me..?

Cantbelievethisishappening · 14/07/2014 22:06

How on earth did people manage before texts became the yard stick against which to measure the security or otherwise of a relationship Hmm

Charley50 · 14/07/2014 22:16

Why did you start becoming insecure a couple of months ago?

I had a relationship similar to yours (someone with a child but separated from her mum) and the way he behaved fed insecurity in me. I'd never been insecure or clingy before but this guy was very passionate and full on with me and then would occasionally completely blank me for no reason. I should have ended it when it first happened but I didn't and I did for a while become quite clingy. Actually it transpired he was trying to get back with his ex who had split up with a year before, and wasn't as over her as he had made out.

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