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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moving in with boyfriend

30 replies

littlemiss269 · 14/07/2014 17:40

Hi,

I'm going to be moving in with my boyfriend soon. I own a flat that I will rent out and he owns a house.
My query is what to do with the bills? He earns about £12,000 more than me but wants me to pay 50/50 for everything except the mortgage as we will be keeping them separate for now.
When I move in I will be bringing lots of store cupboard food and frozen meat etc with me as he never has anything in the cupboards or freezer, so I feel it will be fair if he buys the fresh food for a while as I don't want to pay for food twice.
I feel like I shouldn't have to pay for things like Sky as he only wants it for the sports (I'm not interested) but I will pay for the council tax, gas and electricty.
Should I pay 50/50 as he earns more than me?
He says that I should pay him for the bills because I will be receiving the rent but I still have bills such as mortgage, ground rent, estate agent fees, service charge and storage fees to pay for on top of what I pay him.
Also, will it make a difference if I am not on any utility bills? I know that you need a utility bill to buy a phone for example but if I just pay him money then my name will not be on any utility bill as the tenant that rents my flat will own the utility bills.
I don't want to be taken advantage of but I want it to be fair.
Please help.

Thanks.

OP posts:

CatKisser · 14/07/2014 17:44

You NEED to be able to have these discussions frankly and without embarrassment if you're going to stand a chance at living together happily.
Why should you split things 50 50 when he out earns you so heavily? You need to split things proportionately according to your incomes.
Things like Sky need to be sorted through discussion and compromise. If he wont compromise, then frankly what hope is there?

Justrestinginmyaccount · 14/07/2014 17:49

He earns £12,000 more than you, but wants everything spilt 50/50?

I'm sorry OP, but I agree with Catkisser. His attitude does not bode well for your future. Unless the rent from your flat makes your incomes equal, the split of bills should be worked out according to income.

My ex fiancée insisted on splitting everything 50/50 (even thought I earned less) and it DID not end well. I would be extremely hesitant to move in with this man while he keeps an attitude like this. It is a bad way to start off, and you will end up resenting him.

umbongoumbongo · 14/07/2014 17:50

Lordy. Please discuss this properly; just one of the many things that is making me seriously consider leaving my partner (see my thread in here) is his penny pinching and the fact that he earns loads and I earn an ok amount but he makes me feel bad about contributions and that he is superior to me as my work is less important . It's meant to be a partnership not an accounting exam or one upmanship… Good luck I hope it turns out better than mine has!

Ragwort · 14/07/2014 17:52

Agree with Cat - you must be able to talk sensibly about money before moving in to ensure there is no resentment and complete understanding on both sides. It is all too easy to just drift into living together and perhaps having children without properly discussing financial matters.

You see so many threads on Mumsnet where there are major problems caused through different attitudes towards money.

To be honest it doesn't sound that good if you are already calculating the cost of store cupboard items & he is bickering over SKY.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/07/2014 17:53

Not that you are wearing them but you need to take the rose coloured specs off and look at all this with cold dead eyes. You have to be practical here and there seems to be some potential friction and flashpoints here already (the food, the Sky contract, his apparent wanting you to pay 50/50 for everything except the mortgage, his attitude towards you and the bills).

Are you moving into his house?. If so will your name be now added to the mortgage?. If you are not being added to the mortgage at that time then why is that?. It would be mad on your part to make his mortgage payments. Has he talked about this at all or has he gone on the defensive?. If so I would actually think twice about moving in together at all. Your legal position is poor if in the event it all goes horribly wrong so I would think about all this very carefully and a lot more before moving in.

Why is he insisting on you paying 50/50 for everything when his earnings are higher?.

I would actually seek legal advice beforehand about all this together along with having more than one honest and direct conversation with him about the finances before moving in with him.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/07/2014 18:00

Attila - I work for a legal firm.

To be honest the most I've seen done in cases like this is a Trust Deed (that relationship ended!).

Otherwise if her name is to be on mortgage then put it into both of their names etc... - tenants in common and I can't think of other one.

Not expensive but very likely the DP of the OP may not want to do this (legal stuff).

VanitasVanitatum · 14/07/2014 18:04

If he's still paying all his mortgage and yours will be covered by rent then that's a significant advantage to you, and suggests he's balancing out his increase in income.

Having said that, the fact that you're begrudging him the food from your cupboards is a bit worrying, do you feel like a partnership?

Original poster

littlemiss269 · 14/07/2014 18:21

Thanks for all the advice. The trouble is I usually find that I am the first one to put my hand in my pocket be it at a supermarket, bar or restaurant. If I do ask him for money then he does give it to me without an argument but I feel he should offer more. He knows exactly how I feel about this but is just useless at offering. It is the only thing we argue about but the topic is a big one I fear!
So I don't really feel like a partnership at the moment, no.
I want our relationship to be fair not one sided.
This seriously concerns me about the future, if and when we have kids what does that mean in terms of finances? I agree we need this finalised before I move in and will make sure we do so.
The rent will cover my mortgage but not all of the bills associated with renting my flat out such as storage (his house isn't big enough for all my furniture) and service charge, however, he wanted me to move into his house not him move into my flat.
We will definitely be keeping our respective properties and keeping the mortgages in our individual names. I got badly burnt once before by my ex husband. He stole money out of our joint account so I will keep our bank accounts separate this time. :(
What about the utility bills. Will I lose my credit rating for not having my name on any bills for example?
Thanks everyone, very helpful chatting to you all. :)

OP posts:

mindyourown1 · 14/07/2014 18:43

no - having your name, or not, on a utility bill makes no difference to your credit rating. But if you live in a property and your name is not on the bill you are still considered liable for half of any energy/water used.

Hissy · 14/07/2014 18:53

Is it financially better for you to move in? Or would you be paying out more for the privilege of losing your own independence?

He sounds tight. I'd pass tbh.

Original poster

littlemiss269 · 14/07/2014 18:56

Ok, that's good thank you, but what if I want to buy a phone or something and I'm asked for a utility bill. I won't have a recent one. What happens in that instance please?
Thank you, sorry for so many questions.

OP posts:

mindyourown1 · 14/07/2014 18:58

you need to be on the electoral role for that. I have never had to provide a utility bill when buying a phone - is that common?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/07/2014 19:09

The rental-income might cover your mortgage payments for the present but will you see much profit once you've paid tax on it? Remember, only the interest component of the mortgage-payment can be offset for tax purposes. As you said, there will be additional expenses entailed in owning your property, so it's not as if you'll have absolutely no housing costs to speak of once you've moved in.

As for splitting the bills, I think that's pretty fair. You'd have to pay those wherever you lived, and living on your own is generally more expensive than sharing them with someone else.

Having said all that, once a tightwad, always a tightwad, so you should ensure you're not being taken for a ride further on down the road. Someone who doesn't readily get his wallet out when there's a bill coming up right in front of them at the supermarket, bar or restaurant bodes ill. And it's not that he "doesn't think", he's doing it on purpose. To a person who earns twelve grand a year less than he does. Think on that for a minute.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/07/2014 19:19

littlemiss - I agree with Bitter.

The man I'm seeing now, he doesn't eat dinner in evenings (big lunch, doesn't like cooking for one) - can be same when it comes to paying for meals out/drinks etc...

eg really tight and asks me to get the bill (not even split it!) - he earns double me and set to earn treble what I earn.

That's also one of the reasons why I'm ending my relationship, tomorrow, when not shattered from travelling!

SuperFlyHigh · 14/07/2014 19:20

OP - going on my mum's recent experience of buying a phone, yes, they do like to see bills paid, but also they refused her initially as she didn't have loans/unpaid credit cards etc! when the manager of the shop checked, it was ok.

You have a mortgage etc so you should be ok re credit for buying phones etc.

Original poster

littlemiss269 · 14/07/2014 19:29

Thank you so much everyone, I know he is tight, extremely tight but I'm not and I guess that's what he is taking advantage of.

Thanks again everyone, you're all so helpful. :)

OP posts:

Vivacia · 14/07/2014 19:31

I don't think it would be a problem if you were also "tight". The problem is the difference in attitude. To be honest, if you're still at the 50:50 stage, you're not at the "living together" stage.

coalscuttle · 14/07/2014 19:34

If you don't feel like you are in a partnership with him why move in with him? It honestly won't get any better op.

chaseface · 14/07/2014 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hamptoncourt · 14/07/2014 20:18

Seriously why are you moving in with this bloke when he has to be chivvied into paying his fair share for anything? I had an ex like this and the irritation eventually turned into me feeling I was being taken advantage of - and he earned about three times what I did.

Can you not stay where you are until you have had time to think about what you are getting yourself into?

You mention what it would be like if you had DC with him - I think it would be hellish.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/07/2014 20:21

Based on all what you've posted so far you have 2 options:-

See what happens if you move in together.
Don't move in together but keep your eyes open re the issues you mentioned.

The one thing I would be careful of, how easy would it be to move back out if things didn't work out between you? where would you move to etc?

Original poster

littlemiss269 · 14/07/2014 20:32

I've already said that I want to get this straight before I move so there isn't a rush at this stage.
Thanks Superflyhigh, I won't rent my place out straight away so I will give it a little time before I do.
I just want things to be fair. I don't want him to take advantage of me and vice versa. Once I do rent my place out I will more than likely be worse off than I am now, not by much but I'm happy to take that hit for a while. However, I feel he should contribute a fair share not me subsidising all of his bills that he will also still have if I wasn't there.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 14/07/2014 20:42

What exactly are your reasons for moving in with him? Seriously if it is that difficult at this stage it can only get worse.

Just carry on dating him and keeping your independence - it sounds as though all the advantages of you moving in are for him (half his bills paid, food and sex provided, will he expect you to do the housework as well?) - what do you get out of it?

Vivacia · 14/07/2014 20:42

However, I feel he should contribute a fair share not me subsidising all of his bills that he will also still have if I wasn't there.

But his bills will go up if you move in, you won't be subsidising his lifestyle. And you'd be paying for bills wherever you live.

His mortgage is the expense you don't want to be paying.

Original poster

littlemiss269 · 14/07/2014 20:50

Thanks everyone, we will be discussing this tomorrow. I'm going to close this thread now.

Have a good evening.

OP posts:

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