Where do I draw the line?

[umbongoumbongo]

Been with my 'D'P quite a few years now. I'm that kinda age that everyone is getting hitched/having kids. Background is that I have no kids but he has several who we have every other weekend and odd days here and there. I get on well with the kids (although the youngest is hard work), with his ex and with his family. It is him who is the problem.

I went on a girls weekend this weekend and didn't know many of them. Had a brilliant time but what struck me was how different my relationship is from theirs with their OH's. Mine puts me down a lot. One of the comments when I showed him a photo from our trip was 'why does a 'certain part of your body' always look like that?' in a derogatory way. Not 'you look really lovely' or something pleasant. I showed him a photo of me wearing a new item of clothing and said 'I'm really pleased with how this looks on me' and his response was a big silence. Some of the girls I was away with were quite shocked when I said about his fattist comments. It's killing our sex life as I don't want to get undressed as I know what he's thinking. Also getting fed up with questioning about 'you guys have been together ages; when are you getting married then?'

His response to me when I got home yesterday was to be annoyed that I was home earlier than expected (he was hungover as had had the lads round so fair enough). I put it down to being hungover. By the evening he was still being off with me to the point of rudeness. I bought him a (tasteful and decent) present back from the weekend and he just said 'It's ok'. Thanks for the gratitude. Maybe I'm being paranoid due to the atmosphere he is creating but I feel like he's had a blokes weekend and probably been slagging me off to them all.

I was excited about my weekend as don't get away much and I felt like as soon as I stepped back through the door it was the usual moaning and negativity. I had a chat to his Mum a few months ago saying that I couldn't cope with his mean attitude much longer (she said they get frustrated with him too and can't understand why he seems to want to exist in selfish bachelor mode rather than move forward with me) She obviously had a chat with him and he had been better since then. Now I feel like I did a few weeks ago. Trapped, living somewhere with someone who makes me feel like shit half the time and is sapping my happiness. He is quite controlling. I'm not a big money earner or a stunning model but I do have creative talents (so of course I'm not in the same money earning sphere as him as creative stuff never pays as well) and I might not be Stepford wife type but I feel I try to be a good person and I make a lot of effort with his kids, cooking, his family etc. I try to contribute where I can financially but I can't keep up with someone in the higher earning bracket.

I've been looking at rental accommodation online this morning to think about what my options are should I decide to leave. I'm very stuck. My tenants are in no hurry to leave my house (I rented it to move in with 'DP') and my money is all tied up there. My tenant is life limiting ill so I don't want to push them out while they are looking to buy somewhere. I also have animals and a business which would make it difficult finding a room/small place by myself. I could move back in with parents but at my age I really would feel that is a huge step back and not fair on them. What to do? How much do I put down to 'everyone has ups and downs' and how much to 'actually he just isn't a very nice person some of the time and do I want to stay with him as the bad times are outweighing the good times'? Bit sad really. Sorry it's a long OP but didn't want to drip feed and I need to move this situation on one way or the other so could do with some good advice!

It doesn't sound much of a relationship at all, he sounds thoroughly unpleasant actually - I would get out as soon as you can. Even his parents admit that he is hard work.

Sorry to hear all that. He sounds horrible to be honest. No one should EVER put you down like that and make horrible comments about your appearance. A partner is supposed to care about you and want you to be happy and to feel good about yourself. He sounds like he takes you for granted and doesn't think about how you feel at all. You can find someone else who does respect you and makes you happy.

How much have you tried talking to him about this? Does he realise that he is out of order? If he won't listen then I'd say the best advice is to move on and find someone who can make you happy. Moving in with your parents doesn't have to be a huge deal, it can be a temporary solution until you can rent your place again. Speak to them and see how they would feel about it.

But you definitely shouldn't have to put up with this and it is NOT normal or ok for a man to belittle you like that.

I hope you manage to sort things and all the best x

Ok, I think you need practical advice not emotional support. You seem like a together, pragmatic and strong woman who knows this man will never change, and you deserve so much better. You know he just thinks you are a domestic appliance don't you!

So, why not think about how you can get back into your own property. I appreciate that the tenant has life limiting condition and you wouldn't want to see them out on their ear. Why not, talk to them if you can face to face. Agree to give them notice and their full deposit upfront so that they can use the money for a new deposit. This way, they won't have the usual financial headache of finding a property and having no deposit.

Eww, what a happiness zapper he sounds.

The time to draw the line is now I think. Could you live like this for many more years to come ?

This is not a normal loving relationship and I am sorry it took a weekend away with the girls for that to start dawning on you

if you have kids with this person, the lessons they learn about what constitutes a healthy relationship are going to get seriously skewed. I also reckon he will ramp up the emotional abuse when he has you tied to him further.

He sounds bloody awful to be honest.
From what you've said it sounds as though he doesn't like you very much never mind love or respect you, sorry.
Do you know why his previous relationships failed? (with dc mum)

I would leave. How you felt on your return should tell you lots. Do you really want to waste time, energy and love on someone who makes you miserable and puts you down.
You say you've spoken to his mum and she then spoke to him - he obviously hasn't taken that much notice so there's probably little point in sitting him down and telling him how he makes you feel.

Your tenants would have to leave if you gave them notice.
If you gave them a generous amount of notice (not that you have to), say 2/3 months to find somewhere else and you stayed at your parents until then - would that be doable?

you might be ''at that age' where everybody is getting married but stop for a minute.

and yeh you do have time to spare.

I made a huge mistake because I was at that stage and others around me were at that stage. My x went from not valuing me to be downright abusive in several ways after I foolishly had a child with him.

Please end it and spend at least a year on yourself. Lots of books on how to self esteem.

He sounds a total shit to be honest, and he doesn't appear to think much of you at all. Why are you with him? What do you hope will happen?

The only "good advice" you need is to start making concrete plans to leave this utter bastard. I'd move in with my parents in a heartbeat if it meant getting away from his pernicious presence in my life.

yes, do that, move in with your parents. From there you'll be able to make all the other arrangements. Your life-limiting tenant can move. You don't owe it to them to let your property to them forever. Or, maybe if you decide to, you could rent somewhere yourself.

you sound like you are too nice.

Thank you. No I don't have kids of my own. He already told his kids that we might break up after our last bad patch and his mum told me that the youngest had said she was sad about that as I do a lot with her. I don't think it's fair to drag kids into it and I was furious he had said anything to them especially as the eldest was just starting her exams.

Mini; I really like my tenants as they look after the place brilliantly and as well as this it helps my income when business is slow as my part time job doesn't bring in a lot. Business has really picked up recently so I am trying to save some extra money just in case though. If I gave them notice (which I'd feel awful about as I know they are househunting) she has severe mobility issues so moving house potentially twice in as many months is going to be very hard for her and I really don't think I can do it. I am also one of few landlords who allow pets so they would struggle themselves to find an alternative.

I'd rather live in a dump myself for a while if you see what I mean as it doesn't bother me. I guess I have been sitting on my hands waiting for them to give notice so I can be more free to decide what to do with myself. I could move back in and get lodgers again or sell and downsize to make it more achievable by myself but my part time job is not going to be easily commutable from my house. What a mess but this really isn't normal is it?

his kids will be ok because without you there to pick up his slack he might step up more.

It's not a normal relationship but it's not uncommon. Next time you have to prioritise being happy and not just doing things at the right stage.

You sound like your mind is already going over the practicalities. You can get through those. It's like a load of hassle but then when everything is sorted out, as it will be, then you're free to think about yourself. How you ended up with a rubbish man and a rubbish relationship when you're a good person. SOmetimes people confuse having no needs with being nice, and that can repel people that like to do things for other people and attract people who never do anything for anybody.

CarbeDiem; his previous relationship failed as he felt she wasn't good enough for him. She didn't work, had her first daughter very young and came from a background of benefits etc. She was slim and attractive and did lots of housework for him while he worked all week/weekend. I know this because we chat happily as get on well and she says she was miserable. The expensive holidays didn't make up for the bad bits but I guess she was stuck with him until he ended it. She is a weaker personality than me (well not now but I can see that she was in the past).

I don't have low self esteem as I feel I have lots going for me generally. Could lose a little weight but it doesn't bother me that much just only around him. And he wonders why I don't want to jump in bed with him!

I would move back in with your parents until the house is vacated by your tenants tbh. check it won't be long before they will be moving.

Could your tenants afford to buy your house? It obviously works for them. You could then go and buy something else closer to your job and away from this pathetic arsewipe.

My tenants are looking in a totally different area/county so I think that is why the process is dragging a bit. Think I'd rather be further from my job and commute in; my boss there is pretty flexible as relies on me a lot so I can negotiate terms/hours. Am already further from my friends/family living with him so being nearer them would be better. Appreciate the replies all; food for thought...

Oh yeah and DP has his office in the same building as me. If we break up it's going to be awkward to say the least!

You seem intent on finding as many reasons as you can to keep the status quo

Your choice, of course.

LTB sweetie... I've seen so many people, myself included, get to that stage in life where everyone's playing Settling Down and Having Babies Musical Chairs, the music stops, and the guy with the empty chair is someone who is a bit shit but tolerable at a pinch. So they convince themselves they are in love, marry the guy because they don't want to be left on the shelf and it turns out to be an utter fucking disaster.

This is as good as he'll ever be and it'll only get worse. You, OTOH, can do better.

No I don't want the status quo. It needs sorting out and am really thinking that I need to leave after this discussion too. Otherwise I am wasting my life on someone who it is clear now thinks very little of me. It's just the logistics and finances but that's not to say I can't get around that somehow. It's not as easy as just packing bags and going; I have business equipment in his house etc that I need access to to make my living!

his previous relationship failed as he felt she wasn't good enough for him. She didn't work, had her first daughter very young and came from a background of benefits etc.

Wow. What a prince. And this didn't throw up any red flags when he told you that he thought he was 'better' than someone - wasn't it his child she had very young? How was she to help her background? Wasn't she looking after his children and home during this 'not working'?

You realise his comments demonstrate he doesn't think you're 'good enough' for him either - I doubt anyone would be because his way of running a relationship relies on him maintaining his power by undermining yours.

Please do not have children with this dreadful person. Can you imagine how damaging this level of negativity would be to a child?

Sod the logistics! Move in temporarily with your parents. Hire a van for the work things at his house. Grab the momentum and get on with it, life is too short. This man is not making you happy nor will he ever, he does not respect you or even really like you, by the sound of it.

The youngest is his; the eldest is not his child but we treat her the same as the youngest due to her real dad being a total knob. I'm not massively bothered about having kids anyway but there is no way in hell I'd contemplate marriage or kids with him the way things are now. He's not likely to improve is he.

nope

It's totally understandable that plans need to be made for this reason:

I am wasting my life on someone who it is clear now thinks very little of me

It feels very much like you've come to a decision. He sounds utterly intolerable with every likelihood of becoming very abusive in time *shudder

You sound as if you're ready to make the move right now - so do it. Go to your parents, plan what to do with your house/tenants etc and in only a few weeks, life will seem so much better and by this time next year, you'll be wondering why you hesitated.