Navigating a marriage though your 40s will no real role models.

[pippiLS]

So the DC are growing up nicely, one at senior school, one on the way there and another nicely settled in primary.

DH has a job that he loves and that pays a good enough wage for us all to live comfortably in a decent house.

I'm working part-time (very) and I'm less and less inclined to keep on top of the housework/chores, always preferring to do something else.

DH and I are miles apart at the moment (not literally) and our physical relationship is suffering because of it and I can't seem to make him understand what my problem is.

The thing is, when you look around for relationships to draw inspiration from there just aren't any, at least not in our families or circle of friends. I suppose I'm a bit despondent that he seems to be happy/content with what we've achieved and I just don't feel like that. I want us both to continue to grow as people and to keep having dreams and aspirations - nothing material, more spiritual/emotional.

Can anyone identify with this? Would anyone care to share how their relationship functions/functioned at a similar stage? All opinions greatly received.

When did you get together? How old were you? What were your dreams and aspirations then? Have these dreams changed over the years? Have you put yours on hold working PR and looking after DCs and feel you've missed out as a result?

Ultimately, you have to live your own life your own way and ideally, if you are compatible, your partner would support the direction you wanted to take. When couples have a very different vision of the future and fail to find compromise, that's when the problems set in. They start to live alongside each other rather than together.

We are both 49, been married for 22 years, quite different from each other, still getting on pretty well.
What do we do? We each have something we love - sailing for him, dogs for me - and we take an interest in the other's "thing" up to a point but give each other space to follow our passions individually. We try to be kind to each other. We do things together that we both like doing and do things separately that we don't both like doing. We try to support each other in the crappy stuff. If one of us has a gripe, the other listens to it. We compromise. We try to find stuff we both enjoy to share. We are far from perfect, but we make it work. I think it helps that we both try to make it work.

We got together in our mid to late 20s and our dreams then were to have a nice house, jobs that we loved and happy well-rounded kids. For our relationship we wanted to talk openly about our feelings and to be the best version of ourselves with each other.

I think I've grown intellectually in ways that DH hasn't (and refuses to) and I didn't really anticipate that happening. He's a clever guy and has an academic type job but he doesn't seek to develop himself outside the work arena.

He is generally supportive but even our eldest DC has described him as 'a bit absent' - he just doesn't really engage with family life I suppose yet he does his fair share of ferrying the DC round etc.

I'm hoping this thread will help me find some clarity as we are at a bit of an impasse.

Alice, that sounds pretty perfect to me. What stage are your children at?

"I think I've grown intellectually in ways that DH hasn't"

That makes it sound as though you see him as intellectually inferior. You mentioned 'spiritual/emotional' aspirations earlier. What exactly is it that you are getting interested in?

I think it's quite normal for women to feel a bit 'adrift' when their youngest gets to school age, as you are no longer so defined by being a full-time mother as when they are smaller. But men who are working fulltime don't have the same change in their situation, so don't always 'get' what your issue is.

In most relationships, you hit those 'unsettled' bits quite independently - he'll very likely go through similar periods, just not at the same time, so don't assume that he's simply 'static' and always will be, whereas you want more out of life.

Find a hobby that makes you feel you are doing something interesting and/or valuable with your time. And make time to have interests in common so you don't end up living separate lives in the same house.

Cogito, I don't see him as intellectually inferior, I just see him as 'settled' really.

I'm not into anything in particular but I try to eat healthily, keep fit (ish), dress nicely etc and read the odd book/have stimulating conversations with other people.

We don't do much together but he doesn't do much full stop. He loves music but would never think of booking tickets for a gig or anything or even buying himself a new CD. He started doing the odd bit of running but said yesterday that he was doing that for me.

What did you have in common when you first met? What drew you together?

Could you find a new project or activity that you could do together? Maybe it would give you something new to focus on, a bit more interest in your life and it would be something for you to do together.

I'd encourage him in the running even if he is doing it for you. Running is tough at first but when he gets over the first months, he'll be doing it for himself. It will also give him more energy for other things.

sonjadog, what I would really like is for him to come up with the idea of looking for a new project for us both to do.

I feel that over the years when we've hit those 'unsettled bits' that AMumInScotland referred to, it has always been me making the suggestions.

Congito, when we first met we used to go out to music gigs/comedy gigs/theatre/travel etc. Since being married, every holiday we have ever been on I have planned and any play we have ever gone to I have organised. And it's not because I'm a control freak, it just wouldn't happen otherwise.

Some people are leaders and others are followers. Some are happy to let others do all the running... even making such a hamfisted job of things precisely so that's the outcome. You say these social events wouldn't happen otherwise but you could set each other a challenge to organise an interesting week/end, fix a budget, and make a bit of a fun competition of it perhaps. See if that sparks him into life?

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone.

Cognito, I have challenged him in such a way previously and he gets on board, there is a one off event, but no momentum for anything else. He has taken me out a grand total of twice in our married life and one of those was within the last year.

He is a follower, but I wouldn't say I'm necessarily a leader. I want/have always wanted an equal partnership where we both contribute to our joint here and now/future.

When I feel at odds with him I' 'withdraw affection' according to DH. It's not that I do it consciously, it's just that it's difficult to be physical with someone that you don't like that much. Anyway, I know this is something that he is unhappy with as am I but we have sort of reached a stalemate I guess. What makes matters worse is that when he is at odds with me he is at odds with the world, including the DC. So you can see the vicious circle here of our own making.

I guess my role models are friends of my parents whose relationships I observed really working in the long run.

My parents are still together and seem perfectly happy but that wasn't always the case, and they are on the same wavelength for some things and definitely not for others.

My mum has the same issue that you do: she has changed massively, particularly over the last 20 yeas, developed existing interests further and found new ones, whereas my dad has exactly the same interests as he did 30 years ago: business and gardening.

He likes sightseeing but not enough to ever organise anything - my mum masterminds the holidays, sightseeing tours, books the tickets and the hotel. He likes classical music and theatre but not enough to buy a ticket or a CD, my mum has to do that if she wants to do or see anything. So she organises his whole life and he just turns up.

The reason I mention this is because your husband reminds me of my dad: apparently perfectly contented with a narrow samey life, with no real fire to expand into new interests, develop new projects etc. He also could be described as a bit 'absent'.

I don't know what the answer is, my mum's is to leave him to it and to get on with her interests whatever.

Given that you're working part time and bored of housework, perhaps you could consider doing more training, working longer hours, because if you're stimulated you won't mind so much if your husband gets up to.

My mum's theory is that women have to adapt so much in life - to their husband, their husband's families, each new child as it comes, that they're used to adapting & being flexible, whereas some can men can just get stuck in a comfortable rut of sameness.

x post with OP it's just that it's difficult to be physical with someone that you don't like that much

That is a bigger problem than anything you posted previously.

Do you actually not like him?

I can elaborate on the intellectual thing a bit: I'm reading the Carol Dweck Mindset book at the moment and I really feel that DH could benefit from reading it. Would he even bother to? No! He already feels he knows everything there is to know .

Twinklestein, I don't like this part of him that is 'settled' and reminds me (and you) of someone's Dad. There is nothing whatsoever sexy about it, the opposite. And I also don't like that he is making an effort but for the wrong reasons. We have had one or two of these no sex periods in the past lasting a month or so but he has on those occasions been able to reach out to me in a way that helped me to reconnect. He just hasn't managed to this time. I do kind of resent that he would rather grope my bum than make any attempt at a real conversation.

Our children are 19 and 16, so we are within sight of the empty nest but not there yet.
I've read here that men often use physical intimacy to reconnect with their partners while women often need to feel connected to their partners before they feel like physical intimacy. Certainly I have found that to be true, and being aware of it has helped me deal with it. The other truism is that you can only change yourself. You can't remodel anyone else to be how you would like them to be. You have to accept that they have attributes you would ideally change, and so do you, but work around them if they are essentially harmless. I wish my DH watched less TV sport, and we argue about it sometimes, but we work it out. Trying to focus on the good in them/the relationship, rather than playing the competitive martyr/blame game helps, too. And trying to see their point of view. If there is a dispute between two basically rational people, the fault is seldom all on one side.

So you don't actually dislike him as a person - just bits, well that's something.

Tbh if my husband tried to get me to read Mindset I probably wouldn't bother, not because I think I couldn't learn from it, I'm sure I could, but because I have so many books on the go that I'm really interested in, so it's not going to be my top priority.

But if my husband really wanted me to read something to discuss with me I would, and vice versa. That's fun in itself.

Your husband is a bit lacking in intellectual curiosity and get up and go. I don't know what you can do. My parent's solution is to have constant external projects on the go, which, I have to say, are always organised by my mum, and a lot of socialising, most of which is also organised by my mum. It does seem to work though, it means they always have something to talk about. And they're still together after 45 years.

" really feel that DH could benefit from reading it."

Do you appreciate how intellectually snobbish that makes you sound? I'm sorry but all I'm seeing here is the kind of grinding incompatibility that eventually leads to separate rooms and separate lives. Your DH does not appear to have changed personality, he seems to be a regular, steady sort ... satisfactory enough up to now... but you've deemed him dull and want him to change. It's OK to be different personalities. It's not OK or realistic to expect a person to change personality just because you're tired with who they are and have found new interests.

Agree with Cogito. If you need more intellectual stimulation than DH can provide, seek it elsewhere and share with him the things you both enjoy. I do not share my love of Victorian and pre war literature with my DH and he does not share his love of car engines with me. We talk about those things with other people instead!

Of course if there IS no common ground, that really is a problem

Thanks for the food for thought.

Even the children are interested in the idea of a growth mindset vs a fixed one, it just makes me sad that DH isn't interested.

Sharing the things that we both enjoy...at the moment I can't think of a single thing.

He continues to derive pleasure from his solitary music-making activities and his job and really all that he seems to miss is the sex. If he had that too his life would be complete it seems.

There has to be more to life than this.

I don't want to do what your mum does Twinkle, it wouldn't suit me. I think I'd prefer to be alone with the kids as it sometimes feels like I have a 4th kid the way we live at present - an extra mouth to feed and someone else to clean up after.

Can you think of things he contributes to the family? What attracted you to him in the first place?

You sound extremely bored in your own life, lots of housework which you don't want to do (I hate it too) and like you are in need of a more stimulating job/role- voluntary, writing, sharing your new interests, paid, whatever. He is already in a job he loves which gives him intellectual stimulation, you are 'very' pt and seem bored. I would work on that rather than getting annoyed with him he's not very stimulating (he may not be, but I don't think he will change and why should he, he has a job he really loves, a wife he loves and a hobby he loves). It is you that is discontent.

He is grumpy more often than not (although he vehemently denies this) so he contributes a tense atmosphere.

He is a good provider and allows me to spend money as I wish. He shares some chores and gives the DC lifts etc.

He's a good guy with a good sense of humour and he's smart.

Sorry it's short Alice, school run beckons...