Navigating a marriage though your 40s will no real role models.

[pippiLS]

So the DC are growing up nicely, one at senior school, one on the way there and another nicely settled in primary.

DH has a job that he loves and that pays a good enough wage for us all to live comfortably in a decent house.

I'm working part-time (very) and I'm less and less inclined to keep on top of the housework/chores, always preferring to do something else.

DH and I are miles apart at the moment (not literally) and our physical relationship is suffering because of it and I can't seem to make him understand what my problem is.

The thing is, when you look around for relationships to draw inspiration from there just aren't any, at least not in our families or circle of friends. I suppose I'm a bit despondent that he seems to be happy/content with what we've achieved and I just don't feel like that. I want us both to continue to grow as people and to keep having dreams and aspirations - nothing material, more spiritual/emotional.

Can anyone identify with this? Would anyone care to share how their relationship functions/functioned at a similar stage? All opinions greatly received.

I think my mum probably feels that she has an extra child too, particularly now my dad's retired.

If they'd been from a later generation they probably would have just got divorced, but then again they are really fond of each other so I don't know.

I don't know what's best for you long term, in the short term I would focus on cultivating your interests and your own friends with whom you share interests - so you can read & discuss books, ideas.
If that part of you is stimulated you may get less irritated with him
for not providing that himself.

Also possibly think about retraining and getting a job that demands more of your attention, and potentially getting cleaner for housework.

Fwiw, I don't think you're being snobby, and I understand that you want your husband to read Mindset - you want him to change his lol. But, realistically you know he's not going to change even if he did read it.

As Gandhi said - 'Be the change you want to see'.

I think it's a bit off.

OP: surely if you're mentioning it, and then he consciously ignoring it, then it looks like he's trying to engineer a situation in which you're doing all the social "wifework"?

I mean, how much effort does it take to book/suggest something?

When I've observed this situation IRL, it's not that the wife is demanding dinner at the Savoy or anything really complicated or expensive- just "Right darling, we're having a night out, I'm co-ordinating, you just turn up". It could be Pizza Express and a drink afterwards. Or hell, just the drink.

Some indication that the man considers his wife an independent human being he is actually interested in spending time with.

Just comes across as somewhat passive-aggressive and wanting to turn your wife into your mother to organise the perfect life for you otherwise.

What's that SGB phrase "sees a woman as a cross between a pet and a household appliance". No needs of her own, just something to run the household and raise the children. Any 1-1 time as a "favour" to her that she has to wheedle out of him? fuck that!

"He's a good guy with a good sense of humour and he's smart."

Not having a go OP, but if he's such a good guy then why isn't he seeing "my wife is unhappy, I need to do something about it"?

Or putting those smarts into spending ten minutes looking on the Internet for something interesting you guys can do?

And using that sense of humour when he has a fun 1-1 conversation with you over the meal out he's planned?

Those qualities are useless (to you) if he only applies them in situations other than your marriage.

Just out of interest, what's his mother like? Not a blanket rule, but I have noticed sometimes domineering mothers turn out men like this: high achieveing, but wanting a woman to organise EVERYTHING for them and do all the social wifework.

allo, his mother is nice and he's not that high achieving .

I have nice friends, I'm in a book group and I've been a school Governor for the last 4 years. I've also managed to keep some semblance of a career despite relocating (for H's job) and losing a lot of contacts.

I'm running out of things to say to him about it all.

Yesterday when we had a talk it ending with me doing a quick verbal summary of both our stances and basically saying that we both had valid points, but because I prefaced it with "If we were to go and see a counsellor they would probably say…," he just didn't actually listen to what I said. That made me cry and I hate crying because when I do he drops his hard exterior and that makes me resentful - why do I have to have sex with him or break down into tears for him to seem like he is interested in me/us.