Ok I'm really feeling the guilt....

[SeriouslyConfusedNow]

I've been with my partner for about 18 months, not that long really but he is a very full-on person. He spends a lot of time at my house, it's easier as his kids are all adults, mine are young and I can't drive so it makes more sense for him to come to me. He has admitted he was diagnosed with OCD some years ago and I find this hard to deal with. He's obsessed with cleaning to the point where he sees dirt where there is none. I have pets and I constantly feel under pressure to rid the house of every single hair before he comes in from work. I'm a clean person but I can't match his impossible standards, one pet hair would be enough to put him in a stinking mood all night.

He's also so insecure, he will phone me every 20 minutes while he's at work which puts me under pressure, I'm trying to make the house spotless but I can't because he's on the phone. If I don't answer it he'll keep ringing and question me. He doesn't believe for one second that I love him.

I've been miserable for a long time, I love him, he loves me, but no matter what I do it doesn't convince him, I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

He was taken into hospital a few days ago. It's a common complaint but serious if not treated. He's very depressed. I feel totally selfish because although I'm worried about him....I'm loving time to myself.

It's so nice to be able to lie on the sofa, not keep getting up to get things for him, I'm exhausted mentally and physically. When he's here I don't get to sit down for ten minutes. I spend all day cleaning, then look after the kids and wait on him.

I'm not sure I want to continue this relationship.

I love him, he loves me....too much maybe. I can walk away, he can't, he'll beg and plead and cry.

Tonight has been great, kids in bed, mum on iPad, TV on, slobbing on the sofa. No drama. No one telling me to sort my nails, my hair .

Oh dear.

It's probably worth sleeping on it but yes, this relationship sounds intolerable. It will be a difficult break up too [helpful]

Does he have any family who could support him in this? You could suggest that he contacts them?

I really can't see why you would go on with someone who tells you to sort out your nails and hair and goes into a huge mood if YOUR house is not to his liking.

I feel for him but I get the feeling this will never work out (unless he gets serious help)... I'm guessing the kids are not his? I'd be concerned about the effect his OCD may be having on them (I had a wonderful aunt who suffered from OCD and anxiety badly so I am not being unsympathetic) Maybe you'd be better to break it off now... You and your chidlren deserve to be happy. Perhaps if you break it off it will be the wake up call he needs to get treatment. Btw, don't confuse 'love' with anxiety, insecurity, jealousy, manipulation... Honestly, begging, pleading and crying are very manipulative behaviours...

His family are lovely, and his mum tells him off, stop being hotheaded. But she's really the only person he listens to and respects. His blood pressure is through the roof. He's only 43, he's worked like an idiot 12 hours a day at least with no breaks, it's illegal for one thing, never work for friends...it makes my blood boil that his so called friend does this to him, he calls him out at night sometimes and he doesn't get paid for it, self employed. But guess who gets the crap? Me.

Yes Leo, my kids aren't his. But it breaks my heart. My son is a teenager so he just does his own thing but he loves my daughter to bits, he spoils her rotten, and will drive her anywhere she wants. He doesn't earn much but will just go out and spoil her. He loves her to pieces.

He sounds pretty ill. Is he getting help? If not (or if he is but isn't committed/engaged) there's no hope, at least not within any reasonable time frame. In your situation I would leave. Definitely. If he is getting help and wants it then there's hope and some people would carry on (I wouldn't, but I understand why some people may hold out).
It doesn't sound to me like hes committed to recovery (working 12 hours a day won't help)- so that would leave me with a "ltb"...I suppose. Who wants a mum who has no time for anything but cleaning all day long? You must be miserable (I hate cleaning. I'd be unspeakable unhappy).

He is and not pre, he's the most wonderful man. He's romantic, he'll buy me flowers, chocs, leave little notes around the house, in my purse. He's a gentleman, opens doors for me, pulls out chairs, carries the shopping, the luggage etc. which I kind of take the pee out of because I'm more than capable of doing that myself. He's just so overbearing. I was on my own 14 years and it aggravates the crap out of me. Watch the road, be careful going to the shop after dark, phone me when you're home. Ffs :D

Run.

Has he an actual diagnosis of OCD? If so, is he on any medication for it?

Oh op he sounds very very controlling. And like he us really starting to wear you down.

Do not mistake this control for love. It is not love.

Get away from him and fast. He sounds absolutely appalling.

He does sound really overbearing, as you have said OP. If he is really OCD, what is he doing to access treatment and makes changes to himself? Or is he just expecting you to 'deal with it, because that's just how he is'?

OCD is quite treatable and there are some very good treatment programs available to people these days. If he really has OCD, it is his mental issue to deal with and get treatment for, not yours to put up with. Don't put up with this, make it an expectation that he seeks medical treatment. Until then all bets are off. You will have to be prepared to stand by your ultimatum.

Can you not tell him a) not to criticise you b) that you will not be cleaning your house obsessively and if he doesn't like it, don't come and c) not to ring all the time and then don't answer the phone if he does ring

He sounds dreadful but at the moment, he is getting away with being dreadful. He may modify his behaviour if challenged or he may not and that's your answer!

He can't be working that hard of he's ringing every 20 mins either

Run, run, run and run somemore.

This man is controlling you. And worse he's showing your DD how to live the fantasy princess role he thinks all women should live.

He has no right to micromanage your life. He has to go.

End this before you're trapped and can't get out.

End this before he does too much more damage to you and your dc.

Why are you running around after him in the evenings after cleaning and answering the phone all day long? And when he tells you to do your nails and hair, tell him where to get off! The whole situation sounds ridiculous.

I agree with the run comments. Run, definitely.

The only guilt that would be healthy here would be guilt at putting yourself through this (being with him, not leaving him, that is!) and guilt at the terrible relationship style you're modelling for your DD.

This is not love. It's obsession. Sorry if he really has got OCD (as a pp said, has he got a diagnosis?) but MH issues do not give him the right to behave in such a controlling way.

And again, as others have said, if it is OCD then it's his responsibility to get treatment, not yours to suck up the fallout.

Your DD will not benefit from this treatment long term. She's learning that if a man showers you with gifts and tells you he loves you, he can control you, limit your freedom, make you walk on eggshells, and actually behave in a way that is not loving at all. But the grand words and baubles make it all ok.... Is that what you want her to learn?

You know that film Sleeping with the enemy? That's you, that is.

He is not a wonderful man. The nice things he does are perfectly ordinary, every partner I've had has done those.

Let's assume for a moment, he genuinely has been diagnosed with OCD. As others said, isn't he cooperating with treatment for it? And the worst thing anyone else can do is pander to it. It's not good for him because, as you've found out, it actually makes it worse and increases their anxiety. It's not good for you because it makes your life hell. Look at the ocduk.org website. Particularly look at the 'what is OCD' and 'What's not OCD!' pages. It sounds more like the Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder on that What's not OCD page? Also read the Family and Friends section which stresses that you must not collude with the OCD.

Now, everything else.

Calling every 20 minutes. You know this is not real love. This is control. You do know that, deep down, don't you. When you love someone you don't control their every waking minute and make them miserable and on edge.

Waiting on him all the time. Why? Is this how you agree relationships should be? Some couples do happily have relationships where the woman 'looks after' the man, it's old fashioned, but it works for them. But both people have to believe that's the right way for them. And you don't. So why are you doing it? And even in these types of relationships, I've never heard of one where the woman is up and down every ten minutes. It's another control thing, isn't it.

He couldn't cope without you. Tough.

No respect for you. You say he only respects his mother. He treats you like an inept child by telling you to watch the road, phone when you are home. So you know he does not respect you. Why do you feel you have to accept a relationship where you are not respected?

You are happier when he is not around.

Why do you feel you deserve such a shitty relationship with a control freak?

He is not going to change.

Make your choice. Live like this - and probably escalating and getting worse - for the rest of your life, or choose not to.

Love? Yes, I'm sure you love him. You can get over a disappointed/heartbroken heart and be happy again. You can't get over his behaviour - it will go on and on and on and on forever. Choose.

And I agree you are teaching your DD a horrible lesson about relationships and men. She sees her mother being treated like shit and accepting it. She sees her mother waiting hand and foot on a man. She sees her mother's appearance being criticised. She sees her mother exhausted and stressed from jumping through a man's hoops. She sees it's normal for the man to control the woman's every action and moment. She's learning that a few little treats entitle the man to do this.

It's not healthy. Needs to end otherwise you will be reduced to a whisper as will DD when he starts on her, which he will. he will not take it well, will probably threaten suicude etc, in which case you call the police rather than trying to handle it yourself. Then perhaps if he does need professional help he might get some. However I suspect with others above that he is actually mega controlling.

It won't only go on and on and on, it will get worse, because at some point, your dd will join you in pandering to his issues to maintain approval. How old is she?

This sounds like my second marriage, and one reason I stayed so long was because dd and dsd were very close, and I feared that if we split, they would lose their friendship. But in the end, I came to the point that the marital situation was going to damage her more.

Google coercive control. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more it will erode your self-esteem and confidence in yourself. If you had known at the start, this was how it would be, would you have gone on a second date?

He is obsessed with cleaning so you spend all your time doing it to meet his standards and he doesn't even live with you! His OCD is not your problem. He needs to deal with it.

He constantly calls what happens if you don't answer?

Run, run away

This sounds like hell

I don't care how many flowers this man buys you, he sounds ill or dangerous or both

get him away from your family and stop giving your kids the damaging lesson that it's ok to change your behaviour to hang on to a man at any cost

you cannot fix him

I think the fact that you've had such a lovely time without him and his stresses says it all really. You haven't missed him at all, have you. Not one little tiny bit.
I'd say that whatever positives he might bring to your life are too heavily outweighed by the negatives of his obsessive/controlling behaviour (I actually think the calls every 20 mins could be symptomatic of uncontrolled OCD but they might not be).
IF you think there is any mileage in it whatsoever, then insist he goes to the doctor for a review of his meds (if he's on any) OR actually get some (if he's not). Make that a condition of you even considering staying with him. If he refuses, then dump his sorry arse ASAP. If he grudgingly accepts then see if there are any positive changes - if not, then dump his sorry arse.

Or you could just dump his sorry arse because life is just too short to put up with that level of shit in your life.

Feel the guilt but dump him anyway. As a PP said, it's likely to be a messy break-up and he's probably not going to go quietly, but that kind of intense suffocating behaviour gets really old, really quickly. Even the flowers and gifts are just a different kind of suffocation. Pity when they seem nice but have a fatal flaw.... Good luck with the 'we need to talk' talk.

"He's romantic, he'll buy me flowers, chocs, leave little notes around the house, in my purse. He's a gentleman, opens doors for me, pulls out chairs, carries the shopping, the luggage etc. which I kind of take the pee out of because I'm more than capable of doing that myself. He's just so overbearing"

Overbearing and controlling are very much the same behaviours. He does not think you are capable at all of doing anything and belittles you through using control. His other stuff you write of is just standard and also just enough to keep you happy. Honestly what are you teaching your two children about relationships here?. The two words "damaging lessons" suffice.

He needs to be gone from your life before he further drags you and by turn your children down with him into his pit.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You were not put here to rescue and or save such men from themselves. He was never your project to rescue and or save.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood. This reads as more of an unhealthy copendency than "love".